Think I'm with a loser

LegacyUser

Im so depressed. I have spent the past three days constantly crying, all because of a man I'm supposidly meant to marry at Christmas.

I've been in bed sick all day today with a chest infection. My engagement ring is off my finger and on my fireplace, all while my so called bf is getting twisted by himself in the front room.

I'll give you a quick low down of what is happening.

Since we started renting a year ago, I discovered the real side of my bf. I always new he liked a drink, having a laugh etc, but since we have moved in, I have found him passed out on the couch with an empty bottle of vodka in his hand. When we come home from nights out (usually 5 and 6 am) he goes straight for the fridge to drink some more. When I say stop, he either ignores me or tells me to **** off.

Last week, we had both just come home from a night out, and he started smoking in the kitchen. The rule of thumb is no smoking in the house so I told him to go out the back. He said no, and started laughing. This really annoyed me, so I told him again. He walked right up to me and started laughing and blew the smoke in my face and said go to bed, look at ya. To be honest, I smacked him across the face, the cheek of him to do that. He stayed up till 10am drinking, and I had to drive everywhere that day because he was still drunk. Embarrassing.

Things came to ahead last night when I found out he had lied to me about something quite important that was going back a year. It ended up that my parents and sister found out, I handed him back my ring, and my dad wanting to come get me to bring me home.

I have had my mother on the phone to me telling me to think strongly bout what I do. How I deserve much better than him and it's not to late. She doesn't want me to ruin my life.

My parents don't know the excess of his drinking but my mother did remark how he is quick to jump for his friends to get out drinking, but if I ask him to do something, he says yeah I'll do it in a minute, and it never gets done. If they new, I would be taken straight back home.

I'm really questioning our relationship at the moment. I mean, I had a big conversation with him today. He told me to put back on my ring. I said no because I wanted to clear things up, mainly his drinking has got to stop. He said he promised, but then came up to me stinking of drink and I can hear him downstairs drinking.

I'm heartbroken. He was my childhood sweetheart. Now I think he is an alcoholic. And to make things worse, his mother says, your perfect for each other and that I really help control him. It's crazy. I shouldn't have to do that.

He is in a dead end job that he hates and I know we are in a recession but I was always brought up to always try and better myself. He said he is waiting for things to happen for him and waiting for people to come to him. What fuucking planet is he on?

I'm sorry for the long post. I don't know if I need to vent or need advice, but I'm just so scared of what decision I will have to make.

Thanks!

Gyalist

Fortunately, you have supportive family members around who are looking out for your best interests. Don't be too proud to let them know what you are going through.

You need to get out of there as soon as you can, even if only temporarily, to gain true perspective of your situation. Once violence enters a relationship, and your slapping him was an act of violence, the relationship has become toxic.

Don't mind what his mother says. Why should a grown man need someone to control him? He is a grown man and should have learned by now to take ownership of his actions.

Clearly, you do not see a happy future together with this man.
It's time to look after yourself. His problems are not yours to solve. It's not clear from your post if he accepts that he has a problem with alcohol but you do, and that's all that matters as it is making you unhappy.

Get out of there asap and accept the support of your friends and family. It's not a disgrace if a relationship fails. At least you know now rather than down the line when you are legally tied to him.

johnr1

Hi Allcriedout, so sorry to hear of your situation.

You just have to tell your family the truth of the situation, and get their support in whichever hard decision lies ahead of you.
Yes, unfortunately, it sounds like your fiancé is an alcoholic - take it from one who drank too much himself in the past.
He can/will only stop when he decides himself to ask for help. He will not stop for you, for his work, for his family, - if he had his own children begging him with tears in their eyes, he still wouldnt, until he wants a different life for himself, and admits to himself that there is a problem.

Your one chance here, is to offer him help and support once, on the understanding that the wedding is postponed for a year, and that should he not succeed, that you will notbe married to an alcoholic.
If he accepts your offer of help, he must be fully honest about everything, and genuine about wanting help, with follow-through.

Be aware that he may refuse help, that he may not be ready yet, or ever, and that if this is the case, that you mustleave at that point.
You just can't marry an alcoholic, - they don't improve over time, they just get worse. If you did that, you'll never have a husband to be proud of, who puts you first, you'll probably never have a penny more than the bare necessities cost, you'll never have happy family social occasions, or a quiet house for your potential children to sleep in.

Sorry if this isn't the answer you wanted, but it's the truth about alcoholism, and how it affects people.

You have only one life, - the circumstances you live it in are up to you alone.

Best of luck, - and strength, to you. You'll need it.

LegacyUser

Op here. Thanks for you reply. Well I had a night of hell in the end, that I had to ring to work sick as I cannot face that. I'm afraid I'll get upset.

His drinking last night was a disaster. He was having a cig and the back door and roared into me to **** off, that we are done etc etc. all grand by me, except it was 2am and I now say my neighbours hate us. I told him to be mindful of that, he said I will do what ever I like, **** the neighbours and **** you.

I stayed up until he went to bed. I had to lock our front room because he was trying to get back in to drink.

His excuse is it was his last night off before heading back to work so he was having a drink. I dunno what made it come into my head, but I started recording him on my phone. I have 1hr 10 min recording, as whenever I tell him the next day, he says no your wrong, I never said that.

So he gets into bed and here are a list of things he said.
- your family are ****ing drips, at least mine can have fun
- your dad, your auld fella, your pathetic father, the stupid old man. If he comes near me, I'll knock him the **** out. I hope he dies, the stupid prick. I despise him.
-your mother, if she comes near me, I'll plant a whopper one on her. I hope boh your parents ****ing die tonight. At least my dad has brains. What does your dad. The stupid old man.
-your sister is a ****ing bitch. Can't stand her. **** her as well.

This went on and on and then he jumps outta the bed, and says he is going driving. I had to run downstairs to lock and guard the door. Next minute I hear a pherocious bang. He fell and started saying oh my god, I think I broke me arm.

When he eventually came down the stairs, he said to me get the **** outta the way. I said no, your not getting into the car. He then starts to try and kick the front door to get out. He goes back to bed. Calls me a psychotic bitch.

Two minutes later, he snuggles up to me, licks and kisses my arm and I tell him to get away. He says he is truly sorry, he is drunk and he doesn't mean or doesn't know why he does this when he is drunk. I tell him to leave me alone and his reply was **** you. He jumps back outta the bed, and punches the light switch on. I eventually get him back to bed.

That 1hr recording is proof to him when he wakes this morning. I bet you he will say that's not ,e speaking.

I'm so messed up the past few days. I love this man with all my heart but I know he doesn't love me. He couldn't love me for the stuff he says or does. However he says I am the world to him blah blah blah.

I woke up during the night, I was freezing so I said to him can I have more covers please. iN HIS SLEEP he managed to say, your a ****ing moan :-(

I'm scared. My wedding dress is paid for, all the invitations sent out, bands booked etc. all of this with my parents money. I feel I'm trapped now.

Sleepy

OP - what the fvck are you up to?

Get out of the house, get out of the relationship and go live your own life. Don't shed a tear (unless you can see that getting rid of that gob****e before you married him would be cause for tears of joy).

The financial stuff regarding the house and all that can wait. For now, go home to your parents, then start looking for your own place.

If you need motivation: imagine explaining his actions as you've described them to any children you might have together. Or explaining to them that Daddy won't be home tomorrow, or ever again, because he got twisted and crashed his car and killed someone else's Mammy/Daddy/Son/Daughter/Sister/Brother too.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,
Call off the wedding, you need to move on. Most people say that after you get married a relationship gets even harder. you deserve better. He is not making any efforts to change.

Take your own advice and better yourself. Let him sort himself out, not your job. He is ruining his own life and his own health. he shouldnt ruin yours as well.

Taltos

OP - you are not trapped here at all.

The dress, band etc - it is all just money - to hell with it all.
I know this is easy for me to say - but going ahead and getting married to this guy just because you feel you should for whatever reason is not a good enough reason.

Please go pack your bags and go to your parents now. Isn't it much better that you get out of this relationship now with just the cost of the wedding than trying to pay for a separation and divorce in years to come.

I know right now it seems hopeless to you - but you shouldn't have to try to deal with this alone. Go to your parents and tell them everything. You need people around you now who love you - your partner - well who knows maybe he loves you but all of his actions paint a very different picture. I am sure he will promise you the earth moon and stars but personally I would have to cut him out of my life until such time as he sorted himself out.

Don't kid yourself here - you can't help him. Only he can do that - so no matter what emotional blackmail he throws your way no-one deserves to be spoken to like that. How many days of work will his behaviour cost you until your job has enough and tells you not to come in? Seriously he is hell bent on destroying his life - don't let him ruin yours too.

P. Breathnach

Hi, Allcriedout.

When I saw your header a thought entered my head: even losers deserve love. I don't say this to be a smart alec. It's something I believe. A person who who has messed up many things in life can still be a good partner.

So I started to read with an open mind. That didn't last long!

You have given absolutely no reason why you should stay with this man - even what his mother said is more a case for getting out than for staying.

Most Irish people know the destructive impact of alcoholism on family life. When the drinking behaviour is in your face, I think it is worse: the drinker is telling you that the relationship with alcohol is more important than the relationship with you.

Set aside the sweet memories of your childhood romance. That's the past. Look at where you are now.

Pack your bags.

johnr1

Ok, your more recent post changes everything. My previous reply didn't take account of abuse/violence, and be in no doubt, they are just stages of the same.

Get the hell away from this man now, - take only your handbag, and get a bus/taxi or drive out of there to your parents - right now.

This story ends with you being beaten to a pulp at best, -dead at worst.

You can get your family or friends to collect your belongings later.


Go now.

ManOfMystery

As above OP ................................ have a look through this forum (or many others) and you'll read stories of women who have spent many, many unhappy years with men who drunk far too much and treated them like crap. Some may have been physically abused, some not ............ but virtually none of them will turn around and tell you they were happy.

The common denominator is that many of them saw the warning signs - which you're seeing now - but didn't do anything about it. Or thought that things would magically change when they got married, and this fairytale marriage would appear out of thin air.

Things will NOT change when you get married. If anything, they'll get worse as your partner settles into a routine convinced that now you're married, he can do what he likes and there's little chance of you leaving.

Get out NOW. This guy has absolutely no respect for you and this will not end well. There's major red flags being held up right in front of your eyes, you'd be crazy to ignore them.

Miss Fluff

Allcriedout wrote: »

I'm scared. My wedding dress is paid for, all the invitations sent out, bands booked etc. all of this with my parents money. I feel I'm trapped now.

No, you're not at all trapped, thankfully you're free as a bird. You'll be trapped in a bad marriage doomed to failure if you go ahead with the wedding though. Move out and call it off - I'd say your parents will consider it a small price to pay to see their daughter happy.

LegacyUser

My mother and father have been together 30+ years and my father is an alcoholic. It's so hard for me to see the way this affects my mother recently. OP, get out of that relationship while you still can.

holyhead

OP out of respect for yourself run. Its wonderful that you fell in love with someone. Its one of the joys of living. The sad part is the someone is just not a nice person. He is not treating you or your family with respect. This situation will most likely only get worse. I appreciate you feel obliged to go through with a wedding considering all the preparation work done so far and cash spent. The problem is you know in your heart you will be saying I do to a life of misery.
By what you say this man is not well. It is not your job to keep him on the straight and narrow. It is your job to protect yourself esteem, your physical being and your mental health. Return to your family. They will understand, because unlike this man, they love you. This man has no respect for himself so therefore is unlikely to able to have respect for anyone else. Best of luck OP!

hattoncracker

OP, my dad was the same as your fiance. An abusive drunk..

Get out now. Money can be saved, but if you marry this guy it's a lifr sentence. For your own sake and the sake of your future children, leave now!

Lolajay

I think you should move on...or

Since your thread seems to be searching for a resolution to the issue

I would cancel the engagement and any wedding plans and tell your fiancé that you will not marry an alcoholic - give him 6 months (with or without you) to sort himself out and then if he hasn't been able to shape up move on with your life.

You are lucky to have family members around you who seem to be on your side.

Nobody will ever judge you for having enough respect for yourself to walk away

Good luck x

tbh

Allcriedout wrote: »

I love this man with all my heart

ah now hang on a second. This can't be true, can it?

If I were to sit you down, and ask you to describe your perfect partner, how much of your current partner would be in there? Would your perfect partner call your dad a prick? Would he ignore you? would he blow smoke in your face?

Come on now OP. You don't love him. You're just used to him.
You know yourself what the score is here. You wouldn't have started a thread here if you didn't.
You're not asking us if you should leave him, you're asking us how to leave him.
The answer is - just leave him. Pack your stuff and go. The rest of your life is at stake here. Please don't waste it. Get out, and one of two things will happen: he'll get a wake up call, change and you get back the guy you originally fell for, or he won't care and you'll save yourself about 50 years of grief and hassle.

Emme

Walk away now while you're still free. Never mind the dress, the invitations, his mother, him being your childhood sweetheart etc.

Get out now while you can still walk because by the sounds of this man he'll cripple you in every way if you stay with him.

ihsb

OP, your post fills me with fear for your safety and happiness. I really think you need to run! You have a lovely and supportive family and soon your relationship will turn into him punching your face, not the light switch.

You have a family that will help you with everything, even if you lose so much money in the wedding I can guarantee they wouldn't put a price on your safety.

If I were you I would leave and never go back. Even if he does change his ways, there is always going to be this in your past. Run away!

LorraineMcFly

Ok my feeling on this is that there is 2 of you in it

You say you go out till 5-6am, im goina presume drugs are being taken? as well as drink?
If you have an alcoholic partner, and you love him, you need to clean up your own lifestyle too. Remove alcohol from your house and do not go drinking with him. If your drinking stay away with friends. You need to do this until his alcohol problem is resolved. You need to curb the party lifestyle if you want to help him.
However it does not sound like he realises he has a problem. And i would urge you to move home, call of the engagement and see what happens. Either he will get worse or better. Do not stay with him if he is continuing drinking as his behaviour is vile.
Imagine bringing kids into this mess, your better off on your own for the present.

ihsb

LorraineMcFly wrote: »

You say you go out till 5-6am, im goina presume drugs are being taken? as well as drink?

The OP mentioned nothing about drugs! That is one major conclusion to jump to. I sometimes stay out that late, just chatting with my friends and dancing the night away... sober at that point and I do not touch anything other then alcohol. How do you know the OP isn't the same?!

LorraineMcFly

ihsb wrote: »

The OP mentioned nothing about drugs! That is one major conclusion to jump to. I sometimes stay out that late, just chatting with my friends and dancing the night away... sober at that point and I do not touch anything other then alcohol. How do you know the OP isn't the same?!

I said i assumed. And used a question mark therefore waiting for a reply. If no drugs fine. But you cannot support an alcoholic by drinking with them till 5-6 am. If you want to help an alcoholic you need to get serious and remove party lifestyle and drink. Not that i think she should stay with him. But if she does stay then she needs to help him. No point continuing going out drinking with him then moaning he is treating her bad. Alcoholism is an illness, a serious one.

Ickle Magoo

Can posters give advice based on the information supplied, rather than dragging the thread off-topic with assumptions please.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.

As per site policy, if you have an issue with any moderator instruction or request please contact a relevant moderator via PM - DO NOT drag the thread further off-topic by responding on-thread

LegacyUser

LorraineMcFly wrote: »

I said i assumed. And used a question mark therefore waiting for a reply. If no drugs fine. But you cannot support an alcoholic by drinking with them till 5-6 am. If you want to help an alcoholic you need to get serious and remove party lifestyle and drink. Not that i think she should stay with him. But if she does stay then she needs to help him. No point continuing going out drinking with him then moaning he is treating her bad. Alcoholism is an illness, a serious one.

Hi. Op here. Where did I mention drugs at any stage in my post? I appreciate your advice to an extent. That is a huge assumption you made and also to say I am moaning. Thanks for your contribution, but you have it majorly wrong.

To everyone else, thank you all for your kind advice. When he woke up to go to work, I played him the recording. He started crying and saying we had to end things because it's not what I deserved. He says he does not know what has happened to him and he needs help etc. I said that's fine, but I won't be there to support you. I know that was harsh, but the level of hate I have towards him right now is unbelievable.

For the record, I wasn't drinking with him last night. I've been in bed dying with a chest infection and cold. Now I know why he kept on bringing me hot drinks yesterday telling to stay in bed and get better. He was obviously getting twisted by himself. Silly me.

I wrote a text to send his best friend to tell him exactly why last night was the final straw etc and my oh nearly took a break down, saying he will have no one left etc if everyone finds out the real reason.

He is gone to wok and tried to kiss me on the forehead saying please forgive me. Let's work on things. I've come to the conclusion, he knows it's over

P. Breathnach

Allcriedoutlion wrote: »

... I've come to the conclusion, he knows it's over

Good for you. I'm sure that it was a step that was both hard and easy to take at the same time.

Stay strong. Whatever else you do, stay strong on this, or you could be destroyed.

johnr1

Allcriedoutlion wrote: »

Hi. Op here. Where did I mention drugs at any stage in my post? I appreciate your advice to an extent. That is a huge assumption you made and also to say I am moaning. Thanks for your contribution, but you have it majorly wrong.

To everyone else, thank you all for your kind advice. When he woke up to go to work, I played him the recording. He started crying and saying we had to end things because it's not what I deserved. He says he does not know what has happened to him and he needs help etc. I said that's fine, but I won't be there to support you. I know that was harsh, but the level of hate I have towards him right now is unbelievable.

For the record, I wasn't drinking with him last night. I've been in bed dying with a chest infection and cold. Now I know why he kept on bringing me hot drinks yesterday telling to stay in bed and get better. He was obviously getting twisted by himself. Silly me.

I wrote a text to send his best friend to tell him exactly why last night was the final straw etc and my oh nearly took a break down, saying he will have no one left etc if everyone finds out the real reason.

He is gone to wok and tried to kiss me on the forehead saying please forgive me. Let's work on things. I've come to the conclusion, he knows it's over

Sad as it is to have to walk away from your childhood sweetheart, you've done the right thing - for both of you.
The important thing now is to stick to your decision and stay away. If in the future, he has sorted his life out, that's another thing, but it's a long way off.
I'm not sure it's a good thing to text his friend, unless there is some other reason to, - his drinking is no longer your problem.

Gather your family and good friends around you, cos the coming weeks and months will be hard.
Best of luck.

Emme

Well done, now move out ASAP for your own safety. If he gets drunk and you're in the same house as him he could be very nasty. I'd advise you to go stay with your family tonight and don't go back to the house to pick up your stuff on your own.

squonk

Well done OP. I felt so sorry for you reading your posts. too many times you see people just trying to hold on in the face of something like that. I'm delighted to see you're a lady who can stand for herself and do what needs to be done. I know it's tough but you have to look out for yourself right now. This might be the bottoming out your fiancee needs to turn things around but that's going to take a lot of time and work on his behalf and you've your own life to live in the meantime.

to hell with the dress an the band. You're renting you say so just move out and move back to your family. Please don't stay any longer. It'll only make things tougher for you really and it's very clear to your fiancee now that he brought things to where they are so there's little more you can do.

Finally, I have to say I really admire you. It takes guts and strength to do what you did. You're an inspiration to me, and to maybe others here. You deserve to be with someone who really treats you very well and no doubt that will come in time but, for now, the hard work is over and it's time to take a break and decide how you want to move on. You're lucky to have your friends and family on your side and I'm sure they'll be delighted to see you away from the situation you were in. I wish you the very best!

Mickey Dazzler

Get out now.

:eek: Well done for walking and stay away OP.

Your role in life is better than to be his emotional punch bag. He is not the person you fell in love with any more and he an abusive bully.

im sure your parents if given the choice would prefer to be stung for the wedding money than see you tied to an abusive alcoholic.

You love who he was probably, but surely not who he has become.

OP well done on the recording. That was like a mirror for him and now his behaviour is exposed. That's all you can do for him.

Now that you're leaving and planning to get on with your life, be very proud that you stuck around long enough to honor him with that revelation but not long enough to turn into his punching bag.

As said already above, you are to be admired and are an inspiration to others in similar situations. Wishing you well.

Zen65

Allcriedout wrote: »

I feel I'm trapped now.

You are only trapping yourself, Op. Please forgive me being blunt but this man will not make you happy; he will grind you down and make every day of your life a misery. You know this too.

It's time to get out of this engagement, out of this relationship, and away from this man. Don't be swayed by people telling you that you are right for each other; you are not.

Be at peace,

Z

I am a friend

How do you know when an alcoholic is lying? Their lips are mOving!!! He is a bull**** artist of the highest order and is manipulating you very well. You sound like a very clever girl so what would make you think twice about cancelling wedding plans given the way he has spoken to you?!?!? Whatever the cost now, a divorce will ultimately cost more. Don't marry him until he has cleaned up his act - if he can..,

PrincessDee

At least theres no kids involved hope things work out

jellyboy

i have a major problem with the post/ers..
this is only one side/view point of the situation,

Not once have i read about seeking help for him or with him..
your wedding and worrying about what others paid etc shows a lack of awareness your role in this..

Stop the finger pointing and bringing family friends into the circle of abuse,they are enabling you not to face your role in this,

Maybe going to see a counsellor/doctor/ who will give non judgment on the situation and provide clarity..

LorraineMcFly

jellyboy wrote: »

i have a major problem with the post/ers..
this is only one side/view point of the situation,

Not once have i read about seeking help for him or with him..
your wedding and worrying about what others paid etc shows a lack of awareness your role in this..

Stop the finger pointing and bringing family friends into the circle of abuse,they are enabling you not to face your role in this,

Maybe going to see a counsellor/doctor/ who will give non judgment on the situation and provide clarity..

100% agree. OP i only asked where drugs involved as there was a ?, apologies.
However drinking and enabling an alcoholic is not love either. Have you seen your own part to play in this at all?

I am a friend

He is the one raising the glass. People in this country are always looking for someone else to blame so they don't need to take personal responsibility.

Maybe she didn't realise how bad it was til he started this abuse ?!?!?

LorraineMcFly

I am a friend wrote: »

He is the one raising the glass. People in this country are always looking for someone else to blame so they don't need to take personal responsibility.

Maybe she didn't realise how bad it was til he started this abuse ?!?!?

No i agree he is vile and she should leave him. 100%.
But i have experience with alcoholism and I know if your with an alcoholic, you simply cannot go out drinking till 5-6 in morning with them. And then complain when they turn on you. You leave, you get counselling for you and them. You help them by removing alcohol, by never drinking yourself around them while they are in recovery.
We do not know if this man is normally a nice person, ie without alcohol. It really is a disease and can change people. Thats all im saying.

Zen65

jellyboy wrote: »

Not once have i read about seeking help for him or with him..
your wedding and worrying about what others paid etc shows a lack of awareness your role in this..

Stop the finger pointing and bringing family friends into the circle of abuse,they are enabling you not to face your role in this,

Ending the engagement and leaving this man also ends any enabling role Op may have had (and frankly it's another assumption to suggest she has played any enabling role).

Op's primary duty of care is to herself. The abusive treatment she has received from this man places her in danger and she needs to get out of this situation quickly. The alcoholic partner has only made a verbal acceptance that he needs help; it is up to him to follow with actions. You cannot "seek help for him" and expect any change in behaviour .... he has to seek it himself or it simply becomes part of the charade that alcoholics go through to avoid changing their ways. I am not saying this man cannot be helped, but he first must help himself and not simply speak about help. An alcoholic can speak about getting help for years in order to buy acceptance from those close to him.

Op, do not succumb to this tactic on his part. If he genuinely gets help from professionals then by all means be prepared to support him if you wish, but from a distance and not from within a doomed marriage. Do not accept a token gesture on his part as being true contrition for his lifestyle and the abuse he has subjected you to. Abusive and controlling partners are masters of the art of illusion, and he could easily string out the "I need help" ploy so that it becomes "you must help me by accepting my ways" and "you must stay or I cannot ever hope to change". You are worth more than this.

End the engagement and get out of the house.

Be at peace,

Z

jellyboy

I have only her words to go by,i have read how her family are playing a role (telling her to think about getting out etc) ..

how she is texting his friend with the reasons why..

How she has phyiscaly abused him

How She recorded his words.
but what was the conversation to lead to his words?

I tend to think of solving the problem than creating them.
Again its one side /view point of what reads to be a very difficult situation..

you can also help at a distance op,by helping yourself understand that people who are ill with addiction need help with compassion ,love ,and awareness..

He doesn't need to hear how much you hate him (I'm not suggesting you have told him)

johnr1

jellyboy wrote: »

i have a major problem with the post/ers..
this is only one side/view point of the situation,

Not once have i read about seeking help for him or with him..

Really, - obviously you didn't read this then.

johnr1 wrote: »

Your one chance here, is to offer him help and support once, on the understanding that the wedding is postponed for a year, and that should he not succeed, that you will notbe married to an alcoholic.
If he accepts your offer of help, he must be fully honest about everything, and genuine about wanting help, with follow-through.

Be aware that he may refuse help, that he may not be ready yet, or ever, and that if this is the case, that you mustleave at that point.

Then the OP posted this, - re read it maybe.

Allcriedout wrote: »

Op here. Thanks for you reply. Well I had a night of hell in the end, that I had to ring to work sick as I cannot face that. I'm afraid I'll get upset.

His drinking last night was a disaster. He was having a cig and the back door and roared into me to **** off, that we are done etc etc. all grand by me, except it was 2am and I now say my neighbours hate us. I told him to be mindful of that, he said I will do what ever I like, **** the neighbours and **** you.

I stayed up until he went to bed. I had to lock our front room because he was trying to get back in to drink.

His excuse is it was his last night off before heading back to work so he was having a drink. I dunno what made it come into my head, but I started recording him on my phone. I have 1hr 10 min recording, as whenever I tell him the next day, he says no your wrong, I never said that.

So he gets into bed and here are a list of things he said.
- your family are ****ing drips, at least mine can have fun
- your dad, your auld fella, your pathetic father, the stupid old man. If he comes near me, I'll knock him the **** out. I hope he dies, the stupid prick. I despise him.
-your mother, if she comes near me, I'll plant a whopper one on her. I hope boh your parents ****ing die tonight. At least my dad has brains. What does your dad. The stupid old man.
-your sister is a ****ing bitch. Can't stand her. **** her as well.

This went on and on and then he jumps outta the bed, and says he is going driving. I had to run downstairs to lock and guard the door. Next minute I hear a pherocious bang. He fell and started saying oh my god, I think I broke me arm.

When he eventually came down the stairs, he said to me get the **** outta the way. I said no, your not getting into the car. He then starts to try and kick the front door to get out. He goes back to bed. Calls me a psychotic bitch.

Two minutes later, he snuggles up to me, licks and kisses my arm and I tell him to get away. He says he is truly sorry, he is drunk and he doesn't mean or doesn't know why he does this when he is drunk. I tell him to leave me alone and his reply was **** you. He jumps back outta the bed, and punches the light switch on. I eventually get him back to bed.

That 1hr recording is proof to him when he wakes this morning. I bet you he will say that's not ,e speaking.

I'm so messed up the past few days. I love this man with all my heart but I know he doesn't love me. He couldn't love me for the stuff he says or does. However he says I am the world to him blah blah blah.

I woke up during the night, I was freezing so I said to him can I have more covers please. iN HIS SLEEP he managed to say, your a ****ing moan :-(

I'm scared. My wedding dress is paid for, all the invitations sent out, bands booked etc. all of this with my parents money. I feel I'm trapped now.

Now is it any clearer to you why people are saying "Get out" ?

I am an ex heavy drinker/ alcoholic. Thankfully I wasn't with a partner at the time, as I would have made her life difficult if I was. She can't help him. In fact, leaving him may be the best thing ever for him as it might force him to face what his drinking has done.
Also, her personal safety and wellbeing trumps his potential recovery in importance. After all, she didn't create the problem, he did.

P. Breathnach

jellyboy wrote: »

i have a major problem with the post/ers..
this is only one side/view point of the situation...

This point is irrelevant, as is the discussion that ensues from it.

Allcriedout came here to seek help in dealing with her problem, not his.

Taltos

As the OP has made a very difficult and painful decision we are closing this thread before it continues to descend further into a discussion.

Can I remind folk - no discussions - no assumptions based on facts not in evidence.
We are here to provide civil and constructive advice to the OP based on the information at hand. Posters who continue to ignore our charter may receive warnings/infactions and/or bans (even without a warning).

OP - if you want this thread re-opened please contact any of the mods.

Well done on making a difficult choice, please ensure you surround yourself with family and friends over the coming days and weeks.
Taltos