How many people think this is crazy?

itisallaboutme

When I am with my current BF and we are just spending time together and we get food or go to the cinema ect.. I ll pay every other time. Please don't get me wrong I think this is fair, have no problem with this ect.. But I do think that when you go on a date the guy should be taking you and thus paying.
My last BF paid for every date we went on and to be very honest I miss it. Not because I am miserly or anything, I did pay for stuff like surprise weekends away, concerts ect but it;s mainly because in my mind when someone is willing to spend their hard earned cash on you, in this hard economic time it means they care and think a lot about you. I felt like an absolute princess, and it was nice, knowing that the reason behind it was because they felt like you deserved to be treated like this because you were in their eyes at least the most important person in the world. I also think it appealed to the cave woman in me, man hunter= man provide= man pay for dinner= man acceptable mate
When we went on dates it was an event! I would dress to impress, he would pick me up, Bring me beautiful flowers, compliment me, take me somewhere for a drink, then onto somewhere fabulous for dinner and finish by perhaps going dancing or something fun. He was doing all of this for me, as a result, subconsciously, I dressed better to look better for him, paid him more attention and was more cheerful towards him because I REALLY appreciated all he did for and spent on me and how that made me feel. I am not a gold digger, have my own money, good job ect..
When myself and the BF go on a "date" or have "date nights" it never seems like that, it just feels like we are hanging out later at night. It's not exciting. I don't really dress up, because I feel why should I bother dressing up for him when he doesn't bother making an effort and taking me out properly. I realized this recently, its like a passive aggressive punishment.
How many people think this is crazy?
Is it completely crazy to want a spectacular date where he pays for everything just once in a while, even once in every three months would be fine!

I am a friend

I actually do see where you are coming from... The dating part is supposed to be the exciting part and while initially I thought it was all about the money for you, I think a lot of it is about the effort he makes (or not as the case may be....)

My Oh is good for the big treats/ events so I knwo what you mean and the hard part is that its not actually something you can ask for... I think if it stays like this long term you will be very bored but how do you ask your bf to make more effort without looking greedy?? Dunno.

blatantrereg

at least the most important person in the world

at least huh?

Some guys like to flash the cash. Some guys dont. Some even think it's vulgar. It's not a reflection on how they see you. More a reflection on their own ideas about themselves really. I'd go so far as suggesting that a guy who treats you as an equal might respect you more not less.

Your current bf does pay for everything every other time by the sounds of things. The "once every three months" comment might not make sense.

Is it that you are only going to pretty casual kinds of places? Want to make more of an occasion of things? You could talk about how you love dressing up or that you have a fancy dress and you'd love a chance to wear it out somewhere etc.

Or you could just split up and meet a flashier sort of guy. Maybe you and your current bf aren't compatible.

The Lovely Muffin

This thing of guys being expected to pay for every date really really annoys me. That said I'm one of those girls who prefers to go 50/50, I would absolutely hate to have a guy constantly paying for everything. Not only would I hate it, I would find it mortifying too.

Dinner, drinks, cinema, etc, all add up. Maybe your boyfriend can't afford to pay all the time? Maybe he can't afford posh, expensive restaurants?

Just because your last boyfriend paid for everything and treated you like a princess does not mean every man should.

Just because a guy spends all his hard earned cash on you, does not for one second mean he's care's a lot about you. He could spend very little on you and love you more than a man who spends his salary on you.

To be frank, if you want spectacular dates and expensive restaurants etc. maybe you should split up with your current boyfriend and find someone who can provide you with what you want.

To be honest OP, you sound high maintenance, reading back over your post makes me feel sorry for your boyfriend.

LegacyUser

Maybe you should get back with your previous bf,,,,,

I'd love someone to take me out all the time but my gf doesn't have the cash for that. I don't have the cash to take her out all the time either.

So we compromise.

Personally, going out on a night out with her is excitement enough where ever we go. We do the special date thing every so often as well.

Different strokes for different folks I guess but as suggested, maybe find a guy who will spend money on you and will take you out to fancy places because you think that you're worth it.

Btw, have you ever taken him out and spent your own hard earned cash on him to show him how it's done / to get the ball rolling for him to do the same back?

itisallaboutme

blatantrereg wrote: »

at least the most important person in the world

at least huh?

Some guys like to flash the cash. Some guys dont. Some even think it's vulgar. It's not a reflection on how they see you. More a reflection on their own ideas about themselves really. I'd go so far as suggesting that a guy who treats you as an equal might respect you more not less.

Your current bf does pay for everything every other time by the sounds of things. The "once every three months" comment might not make sense.

Is it that you are only going to pretty casual kinds of places? Want to make more of an occasion of things? You could talk about how you love dressing up or that you have a fancy dress and you'd love a chance to wear it out somewhere etc.

Or you could just split up and meet a flashier sort of guy. Maybe you and your current bf aren't compatible.

I realise I ve come across as a shallow self obsessed girl who is only interested in guys for what they can provide. I am not. I also think you ve misunderstood what I meant when I said at least, It was at least in HIS eyes; I meant I know I am not, regardless of how I come across, but it was one way of showing me I was to HIM. Because with this guy it was a reflection of how he felt about me.

its really not about the money or the places, its about the effort, which does however cost. My point is I feel like why am I not important enough to my bf that he would want to make a big effort every once in a while, thats what I meant by the three months comment.

blatantrereg

itisallaboutme wrote: »

I also think you ve misunderstood what I meant when I said at least, It was at least in HIS eyes;

No I understood that. You misunderstood me a little tbh. I won't repeat the points though as that just starts to seem like browbeating sometimes.

You could just tell your bf that you'd like to make a big occasion about going out every so often. But you are pretty focused on the "he pays for everything" part of it so that bit sounds off doesn't it?

How about this: There's your birthday, your anniversary, Valentine's - and maybe some other personal cause for celebration every year or so. You could say "You know what I'd really like for my Birthday? -" and then describe the fancy night out etc. That would average out once every three months. Sorted.

holyhead

It sounds to me OP that you like the pattern your previous BF set. I can see your point of view. You appreciated the effort financial and otherwise that your BF put in, in taking you out. Each occasion felt like a special outing. This new guy is just that. He's not your old BF. He obviously has a completely different ideas in this regard. While you can hint at things you cant strong arm someone into replicating what a previous BF did. You see when you say you say your previous BF in the hunter gather mould, then you kinda told us that you like to the one treated ie paid for. I must say when I take a girl out to dinner friend or otherwise I pay. I guess I'm old fashioned that way but its my way and I enjoy the company of whomever it may be.

thefeatheredcat

I think you are only looking at it from one aspect of behaviour in how your ex valued you as a person, in treating you on dates and you reciprocated how you value yourself in dressing well to mirror his actions, boosting your confidence, security, self esteem, and your self worth... and matched in actions in doing nice things for him too.

With your BF now, you feel you are less valued because the behaviour is different to what you are used to and again, how much money was spent and efforts on going out is only one aspect of how an individual can show appreciation and value for another.... but there are other ways to value another person like respecting and valuing your opinions, thoughts, ideas, supportive of aspirations and goals, spending real time together with a focus on eachother engaging on personality, affections, activities and so on. Does your current boyfriend reflect any of that in his behaviour?

I wouldn't think it fair to expect your current BF to pay for everything or demand it, not in the sense of wanting to play the role of the kept girlfriend where a trade off is made where he spends money in order to secure his position with you by his side so that you feel more valued and can show your appreciation of him in dressing up... but why don't you show initiative and take him out, dress up and show him how much you value him in the way you are used to being treated? It is perhaps that he is not used to going out that way rather than laziness?

If the only way that you feel important to your boyfriend is through expense and lavish efforts, assuming that he shows this in other ways, perhaps you need to re-evaluate what you want from the relationship against your expectations and vocalise if you're unhappy in it

Edit: And no I don't think it's crazy to want a spectacular date to be pampered and feel appreciated through efforts made, and to mirror your appreciation and value, but it should not be the end-all to showing how much you are valued by another person but more to reinforce their feelings that should already be shown in other ways

event

maybe he hasnt the money?

itisallaboutme

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

I think you are only looking at it from one aspect of behaviour in how your ex valued you as a person, in treating you on dates and you reciprocated how you value yourself in dressing well to mirror his actions, boosting your confidence, security, self esteem, and your self worth... and matched in actions in doing nice things for him too.

With your BF now, you feel you are less valued because the behaviour is different to what you are used to and again, how much money was spent and efforts on going out is only one aspect of how an individual can show appreciation and value for another.... but there are other ways to value another person like respecting and valuing your opinions, thoughts, ideas, supportive of aspirations and goals, spending real time together with a focus on eachother engaging on personality, affections, activities and so on. Does your current boyfriend reflect any of that in his behaviour?

I wouldn't think it fair to expect your current BF to pay for everything or demand it, not in the sense of wanting to play the role of the kept girlfriend where a trade off is made where he spends money in order to secure his position with you by his side so that you feel more valued and can show your appreciation of him in dressing up... but why don't you show initiative and take him out, dress up and show him how much you value him in the way you are used to being treated? It is perhaps that he is not used to going out that way rather than laziness?

If the only way that you feel important to your boyfriend is through expense and lavish efforts, assuming that he shows this in other ways, perhaps you need to re-evaluate what you want from the relationship against your expectations and vocalise if you're unhappy in it

Edit: And no I don't think it's crazy to want a spectacular date to be pampered and feel appreciated through efforts made, and to mirror your appreciation and value, but it should not be the end-all to showing how much you are valued by another person but more to reinforce their feelings that should already be shown in other ways

This post really helped me to think a little clearer, thank you, genuinely.

analucija

There is a very well known anthropological theory around Kula Ring that basically says giver of gift (or the one that gives bigger gift) has an upper hand on receiver and higher status. I for one think there is a lot of merit in that and I think your previous partner liked to validate his superiority. This one treats you as his equal. I know in which relationship I would prefer to be.

Or you can invite him out for a special night and pay for it. Because you two seem to share he should soon return the favor with his own invitation.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kula_ring

Novella

itisallaboutme wrote: »

because in my mind when someone is willing to spend their hard earned cash on you, in this hard economic time it means they care and think a lot about you. I felt like an absolute princess, and it was nice, knowing that the reason behind it was because they felt like you deserved to be treated like this because you were in their eyes at least the most important person in the world.

Why should he always be the one to spend his 'hard earned cash' on you? If you care about him and think a lot about him, why don't you splash out every single time you go out together? Maybe he can't afford it, OP, and tbh, even if he can, why should he? Dating isn't all about how much money someone spends on you, and it seems that's what you think it is.

I'm going to be frank here - the fact that you place such huge emphasis on money and feel special etc., only when your boyfriend is flashing his credit card around is, in my opinion, a majorly unattractive personality trait.

How many people think this is crazy?

Absolutely crazy.

Is it completely crazy to want a spectacular date where he pays for everything just once in a while, even once in every three months would be fine!

You've said he pays every second time you go out so I don't understand this.

MissFlitworth

I earn sort of a normalish wage & I couldn't afford to buy someone flowers (€30-€50), then dinner (€100 ish) then out for drinks & on dancing (another €100 ish) once every 3 months & I'd be hurt to the point of dumping a partner who was upset because I didn't do it. I'm a girl but I don't think guys magically have more disposable income than me. Unless the guy you're with is on serious money it's pretty unreasonable to want him to bring you out and pay for everything for a night (outside of a special occasion like a birthday) especially when he already pays for half of what you do. It's not crazy to miss or want that type of thing (who doesn't like being spoiled?) but to pay less attention to or be less cheerful around someone who can't/won't spend that kind of money on you than you would around someone who did pay for more things is pretty awful

tinkerbell

OP, to be very blunt about the whole thing, you are acting really shallow. If your ex boyfriend was SO GREAT well why aren't you still with him? If he was that wonderful, then why did things end between you two? You're obviously not together with him anymore for one reason or another so stop looking at this with an obstructed view of things.

Regarding your boyfriend, eh why should he pay for all your dates? You've got such double standards that you say if he cared for you, he'd be spending his hard earned cash on you. What about you, do you not care for him at all since you don't want to spend YOUR hard earned cash on him? Whatever happened to treating partners as equal in a relationship? I would never dream of demanding my OH of paying for every meal or cinema trip. We share! We don't keep track of it like "oh I got the last one, you get this one", just either one of us will pay, whichever! It all balances itself out.

You seem to equate "making an effort" to spending a truckload of money. You can make an effort by planning a nice day out together by going for a romantic walk somewhere, cooking a nice meal at home together or having a movie night at home complete with popcorn and the usual cinema snacks. All this for not a lot of €€€.

Personally I think your idea of your date arriving at the door (for all your dates) with a big bouquet of flowers, picking you up, going for drinks, going for dinner somewhere posh, going dancing etc sounds completely fake and over-the-top. You might do that for the first few dates but that's completely ridiculous to do for every single date!! When I hear of something like this it makes me think that your ex was just flashing the cash all the time and compensating for something lacking in the relationship.

Feeling "looked after" and "cared about" are the things in life your partner does for you such as looking after you if you're sick, being there for you when you need them, etc etc, not arriving at the door with some ridiculous bunch of flowers and bringing you on expensive dates. If all you care about is money, then your current bf is not right for you. But in fairness, it's the year 2012 - you are a woman who should be more than capable of standing on your own two feet rather than expecting to be treated like some 15th century princess.

Lolajay

Oh goodness...

I can related to this a little bit but It wasn't so big a deal for me.

I would be a girly girl too so I also like to be "looked after" and spoilt - HOWEVER....in my experience the guy is ok to stop paying for everything as soon as it becomes a relationship or he has stopped proving himself...

I know some guys get very offended if a girl pays for them because it makes them feel demasculated or something - One of my exe's insisted on paying always and if I insisted he would only allow me to pay half....It made me feel uncomfortable on a long term basis because your supposed to be a team I suppose.

I also dated a guy who was from a very wealthy family but was still in college when I was working and I got stung paying for everything!

I think it depends on the situation but I would have thought taking turns paying for dates puts everyone on an even platform and has a nice fair balance! If you go out with your friends you don't expect them to pay for you like?

That's just me, I don't know

ihsb

I do see what you mean, up to a point. I like the man to pay for the first dates, when you are getting to know each other. Especially if he earns more.

I work part-time and my OH works full-time. We are saving for a holiday (which I am paying half of) and a deposit (which we are basing on how much we can afford each). So we are in that comfortable stage. So whoever has the money pays when we go out. At the end of the month, I am paying and at the beginning he is paying more. It equals out and both of us are happy like this.

Honestly? I would love to be wined and dined once in a blue moon somewhere really posh but I know that what we are saving for is more important to both of us. If he was spending money on him and his mates when we are struggling, and not me and us then I would be pissed off. I have to be number one too!

ProfessorWeeto

Op, you are in a RELATIONSHIP with this guy. You aint in the first few dates with him. He is your boyfriend. Not some guy trying to impress you on the second date by paying the bill.

This aint about wanting to feel "special" by what your BF does. This is about wanting to be pampered. To 'recieve' so much, but 'give' so little. You used your ex as an example and wish that your current BF was the same. THAT is high maintenance.

And how far will this go, op?
What if you moved in with him (or any other man) That he should pay the €800p.m. rent while you pay the €75 bi-monthly UPC bill?! and that anything less would be seen as 'unsuitable' by your standards? :rolleyes:

For me, I couldnt date such a woman. Maybe its just me but I rather not be taken for a fool

cafecolour

I generally think couples should split the costs. However, I think the money thing is basically a red herring.

You liked the excitement and the effort put into planning something. With your current boyfriend, if I read btw the lines, maybe its become a little to routine or domestic. There's no flair.

How many surprise weekends away have you done with this guy, for instance? Perhaps you should plan one (on your dime), and then if he doesn't take the hint and reciprocate, explicitly tell him to.

Or maybe decide that every second weekend/Saturday night you will alternate - one person does all the planning and it's a surprise, and then reverse. Trying/doing new things with a partner is very important.

MistyCheese

How many people think the fact that your boyfriend doesn't spoil you like a princess is crazy? A few people will agree with your point of view. What I think is closer to crazy is just how much you yearn to be spoiled and how very much value you place on this. You seem to feel impoverished that you are not being given flowers, taken out to dinner and on to dancing on a regular basis. Even worse, you seem to feel that you are entitled to this scenario. You're annoyed that your partner can't/won't do this for you and you think it's crazy.

It's unfair people asking "Why did you split with your previous boyfriend, then?" I wouldn't be surprised if the previous boyfriend got sick of spoiling his little princess. Or ran out of money.

G-Money

I don't believe in the guy paying for everything. I reckon it should be approximately 50/50. I'm not saying people should nitpick over every cent but I guess if you place a lot of emphasis on wanting to feel taken care of and treated it sounds like something is missing, either in your relationship or how you view yourself possibly.

The last girl I was with we pretty much split things evenly and neither of us had a problem with it. The first time we went out for dinner, she insisted on it being 50/50 which I thought was fair enough. I have no problem in paying for things completely myself, like if I wanted to treat the girl or something. But it should be when I feel like doing it, rather than a constant obligation on my part.

lostandfearful

itisallaboutme

Obviously, a lot of advice has already been given here. Not sure if mine is even worth throwing into the mix.

Anyway, you are setting yourself up for disappointment if this is what you expect from a loving relationship. You may always be this sort of girl and if so and say this is what you want then I suggest you re-evaluate your relationship seriously. If you enjoy and love being with the guy it shouldn't matter what amount of money he spends on you. Buying you lavish gifts and flashing the cash does not in anyway show how much a person respects, regards, cares, or loves you. If this is what makes you feel worthy as a girlfriend you really need to work on your own self-esteem, really. How he treats you personally is what matters.

Personally, I think this is a slightly dated way of viewing a relationship. Old fashioned I suppose. I think it's important to go half and half, split things equally, treat each other as equals. That way you are not placing all the importance on money, who spends what on who, keeping tabs on each other. That's not a relationship. That's just games.

However, if you are unhappy and it bothers you that much that it is going to affect how you start to see him, just move on. I don't think you should. I think you should just cop on a bit in a way and realise what is important. I don't mean to come across rude. Realistically, will you be happier in a relationship where someone else does flash the cash all the time??? I doubt it... Seriously it's the person that matters, not the money, I hope you realise that

I should say I am a girl, not that it matters but I would never expect guy to lay the cash on the table to make me feel worthy. I think this is a little high maintainance..don't you think?? However maybe some guys go for this and will want to be like this for you and if so go find them. You can't expect your boyfriend to change for you. I'm sorry he ain't gonna change. He is who he is.

Backstreet Moyes

I could add but most people have already said what i would say. Just looking at your username tells me all i need to know you say your not shallow and your username is its allaboutme. To be honest you sound spoilt and shallow. With my ex we went out maybe once or twice a month and had good time. Other times would cook a nice meal at home candels and a dvd maybe few drinks. Not everyone has the money to splash out and i feel sorry for your boyfriend. I doubt he knows how you feel or he would probably be gone.

Lorna123

itisallaboutme wrote: »

When I am with my current BF and we are just spending time together and we get food or go to the cinema ect.. I ll pay every other time. Please don't get me wrong I think this is fair, have no problem with this ect.. But I do think that when you go on a date the guy should be taking you and thus paying.
My last BF paid for every date we went on and to be very honest I miss it. Not because I am miserly or anything, I did pay for stuff like surprise weekends away, concerts ect but it;s mainly because in my mind when someone is willing to spend their hard earned cash on you, in this hard economic time it means they care and think a lot about you. I felt like an absolute princess, and it was nice, knowing that the reason behind it was because they felt like you deserved to be treated like this because you were in their eyes at least the most important person in the world. I also think it appealed to the cave woman in me, man hunter= man provide= man pay for dinner= man acceptable mate
When we went on dates it was an event! I would dress to impress, he would pick me up, Bring me beautiful flowers, compliment me, take me somewhere for a drink, then onto somewhere fabulous for dinner and finish by perhaps going dancing or something fun. He was doing all of this for me, as a result, subconsciously, I dressed better to look better for him, paid him more attention and was more cheerful towards him because I REALLY appreciated all he did for and spent on me and how that made me feel. I am not a gold digger, have my own money, good job ect..
When myself and the BF go on a "date" or have "date nights" it never seems like that, it just feels like we are hanging out later at night. It's not exciting. I don't really dress up, because I feel why should I bother dressing up for him when he doesn't bother making an effort and taking me out properly. I realized this recently, its like a passive aggressive punishment.
How many people think this is crazy?
Is it completely crazy to want a spectacular date where he pays for everything just once in a while, even once in every three months would be fine!

I just feel myself that this relationship is lacking in romance. You don't feel cherished for whatever reason. It was the tradition for a man to treat a woman and so you are basing the romance in this relationship on the fact that your man doesn't treat you enough. I would feel like that too. We are old fashioned women. I don't think you are crazy. You like the attention that this man is not willingly giving you, so I would question if he is the right man for you. If he was you would not be talking like this. This relationship sounds boring to me, so get out and find someone who will tick all the boxes for you.

Sleepy

Are there some self-esteem issues at play here OP? Feeling valued because money is being spent on you is a strange reaction in my eyes. In the past I've dated women who earned multiples of my salary and, personally, I'd have felt like a prostitute if one of them was insisting on paying for everything and fawning over me with gifts.

Would romantic gestures that didn't cost anything or very much mean as much to you? I've always been of the opinion that a single red rose on an idle Tuesday holds more romance than 12 dozen on Valentines Day. Would you feel as valued if your other half were to take you for a walk on the beach with a picnic / cooked his best three course meal for you by candle-light / recorded a stupid mix-cd for you as if he were to blow a couple of hundred taking you for a good meal?

If so, maybe you just need to ask your boyfriend if he could make a few more romantic gestures for you (assuming, of course, that you're making similar gestures for him). If not, well then I'm afraid I'd have to question your perception of value and perhaps recommend professional help for it.

Da Shins Kelly

To be honest, I think this boyfriend treats you more as an equal, and I think he'd probably be pretty hurt to know that you're comparing him to your ex-boyfriend on the basis of money. I know I would be.

bouncebouncey

A lot of good advice in here so far.

It seems to boil down to this. Despite the few attempts, after the fact and in light of some responses to you, to state that money wasn't the issue in all this, it clearly is. I'd have said you just wanted a little more effort from time to time if you hadn't gone out of your way to fixate on money.

It sounds like you get self validation from a man spending money on you and treating you like a 'princess' from some hollywood movie/tv series. Honestly it sounds like a set piece routine. Turn up with a boquet, then off to dinner in a flash restaurant then off to dance and drink the night away. You know exactly what it is that you need to impress you and it's all predicated on spending money.

It sounds to me that you like being chased and courted by men much more than you actually like being a 'normal' relationship with this one. You like the pizzazz and the showing off by the man. That's fine and its your own perogative but it's not very fair on your OH.

When relationships settle down after the first flush of excitement and dating then feeling loved and valued, in my experience, should and does go beyond spending money on your OH.

Also, as said before, you can feel free to instigate any of this yourself. If you want a big night out to dress up then why don't you organise it? Why this incredible double standard that he is the one who has to organise and pay for it if truly all you want is a night out once in a while?

in my mind when someone is willing to spend their hard earned cash on you, in this hard economic time it means they care and think a lot about you

You can protest all you want that theres a spark lacking or you just want a night out but these are your own words and this is the standard you have set.

Is it crazy? Yes absolutely.

A persons level of disposable income has no relation to how the feel about you. As MissFlitworth pointed out the nights out you are talking about could run to €300 and upward. Not having that money to piss away on one night out doesn't mean they don't care about you. It just means they aren't a moron who is going to end up saddled with debts just because they wanted to flash the cash and play at being mr big shot.

I mean I could be madly in love with you but I can tell you now I wouldn't spend €300 on a single night out with you because I simply don't have that kind of money to fritter away on one night out.

miec

You don't feel cherished for whatever reason. It was the tradition for a man to treat a woman and so you are basing the romance in this relationship on the fact that your man doesn't treat you enough. I would feel like that too. We are old fashioned women. I don't think you are crazy.

So I guess that those who miss that 'tradition' have no problem giving up their careers, being baby factories, saying yes dear no dear and three bags full dear, will give sex on demand because he is the provider, clean the house, mind the kids without any assistance from the husband / other half because that too is tradition.

I'll be honest Op, I cringed reading your post, you have met a man who treats you as his equal, not his doll, women now live in an age of choice and I for one am grateful, do you really want to go back to the bad old days of women being paid for and having to kow tow because the man had the money, or is your behaviour hypocritical where you want female rights but also the man to pay for everything?

Okay guys at this stage it's turning into a bit of a witch hunt on the OP. So I think the point has been made and I'm going to lock this now.
OP if you want this re-opened for further advice on your issue please PM me
thanks