Confused/traumatised about an incident

LegacyUser

This is hard to me to write but I don't really have anyone to talk to.
I have boyfriend of 1.5 years who is absolutely incredible, we live together and I love him so much. We have a strong honest relationship.

There was a guy in work who has been basically sending me signals for about a year that he fancies me. He stares at me with a look in his eyes that can only be described like he is undressing me with his eyes. He tries to talk to me but I always kept it short as he creeped me out. I ignored him for all this time but we would sometimes end up bumping into each other out having a smoke and would have a short chat.
We don't have each others numbers, he added me on fbook which i did accept. In short, apart from accepting his friend request i have never given a reason to think i was interested. He would sometimes finish his shift and sit at the bar in silence staring through the mirror at me working. I ignored all this thinking he would get over this crush. He also has a GF. My boyfriend asked me in passing did I get on with Mr.C and I said he made me feel uncomfortable.

So I was at a work do recently. I had been drinking and regrettably doing drugs which Mr,C gave to me (and others, pretty standard with the crowd i was with).
We were all leaving the party and we were both like 'Oh, I still feel awake'.
He suggested we go for a drink in the bar we used to work in as he had keys, with a thirst on me I thought yeah okay ONE drink.

I had expected to sit at the bar and have a drink or two maybe smoke a few cigarettes and share a taxi home (we live near each other).
We arrived and he led me upstairs to a small room saying we can't drink the stock that was there. I found this strange as I thought this was why we were there.

He pulled out an undrinkable bottle of wine from the back of his cupboard which was left untouched. We did more drugs and just chatted for a while in separate chairs, smoked a few cigs, which I was ok with. Then he gets out of his chair comes over to me and starts feeling me up trying to kiss me.
I turned my head from side to side and told him 'No, this is not right, you know this is wrong stop, stop' I was pushing his head away but he already was unbuttoning my jeans.
I felt sick and my boyfriend was going through my head. I said no to him, I've never even flirted with him and he just kept going. I NEVER initiated it. I thought we were just going for a drink (how naive of me)

I knew that nobody would hear me as it was just me and him there so i just let him carry on in the hope he would leave me alone if I let him finally have his way and I could never see him again.
I was awful, he was rough and I'm still swollen and feel bruised a few days later.
After the sex he started acting strange he sat down beside and me held my hands and rubbed my head. I was just numb, naked, staring into space.
He began to get turned on again so it happened again, I was frightened and wanted it to be over as quick as possible so I just went with it. (Im so stupid, in hindsight i should of ran out of there). He got me a glass of water and said lets go. So we went.
I got home and jumped straight in the shower. I feel ill I haven't eaten since apart from 2 slices of toast. My boyfriend suspects something has happened but I told him i missed my family and wanted to go home.
i'm home now and it keeps playing over in my head. i don't know what to do. I feel so guilty. Ive been depressed for months before this happened and I know how i will get over this, I first thought that i had cheated on my bf but I never gave MrC the green light to go ahead with kissing, let alone sex. Please somebody reply. Thanks mods.

Maple

OP, I am so very sorry that you have had such a traumatic experience and would please, please urge you to contact the Rape Crisis Centre and/or the Gardai.

To the posters of PI, please take this thread at face value and treat the OP with respect and compassion. Failure to do so will result in a ban.

Maple

fits

Please contact the rape crisis centre so sorry this happened you

ennis81

Like the others have said contact the Rape crisis centre NOW, you need help hun, you were raped and it is not your fault you poor thing. So sorry you are going through this xx

Lisha

All I can do is echo what the others have said, please get the help you need from the Rape Crisis Centre. I really do wish you all the best, take care, and please believe them when they tell you it was not your fault.

Meauldsegosha

OP what a horrible experience for you, my heart goes out to you. You are not at fault, please remember that. I agree with the others talk to the Rape Crisis Centre. Take care

Herrick

OP I'm so sorry

I strongly urge you to go to the Gardai and Rape Crisis immediately, especially before the obvious bruising and injuries entailed have had time to heal, in case your report would suffer.

What a terrible thing to happen to you. He's despicable and 100% to blame. It's not your fault in any way. Everybody above is right. You do need to contact the Rape Crisis Centre. You really will be glad you did.

Esoteric_

Op, what happened to you wasn't sex. You did not consent. You gave in after saying no, out of nothing but fear. That isn't sex. You know what it is.

Please, PLEASE call the Rape Crisis Center. Do not think for even one second that drinking or drug taking made it in any way your fault, or okay for him to do. What happened to you was rape, and you need to talk to someone about it.

Speaking as someone who has experienced very similar, in a similar situation, I'm telling you now that talking to someone straight away, be it your boyfriend, the police or the RCC, is the best thing you will ever do.

Kimia

OP. I am so upset reading your post. You poor thing. I know you must be kicking yourself right now, feeling guilty over going back to the bar to have a drink with him and that you should have done more to stop him but believe me, you are not to blame here. You should not shoulder any responsibility for this guy taking away your right to have control over your own body. That's on him.

I completely understand how you got into that situation - I have been there myself. Thankfully I wasn't raped but close enough and like you, I blamed myself thinking that I must be the stupidist person in the universe to even be around this guy who I knew was into me. I shovelled the blame onto myself and was convinced that it was all my fault and completely didn't even think about his responsibility in the situation.

The fact of the matter is this. You have the right to do whatever you want with your body, be that go out, get hammered, take drugs, etc. Yes, you unfortunately ended up in a dangerous situation as a consequence, but the fact that the situation was dangerous in the first place is because of him. Don't lose sight of the fact that he knew you didn't want to have sex with him and he still did it, even after you said no repeatedly. He plied you with drugs and saw that you were in a vulnerable state and literally forced himself on you.

The worst thing you have to blame yourself for is that you ignored your instincts with this guy. If you've ever seen the Girl with the Dragon tattoo, you'll know what I mean - ignoring a dangerous situation because you don't believe it's actually happening until it's too late.

But be all that as it may, remember that he raped you. You did not consent. You did not want to have sex with him and you made him fully aware of that. Going silent and numb & then going with it to get it over with makes sense to me - it was a basic survival technique for you. Don't blame yourself for trying to deal with the situation as it was happening in the best way you knew how.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You'll get through it. x

ihsb

Tell your boyfriend and contact the Rape Crisis Centre. You did not consent to this, you poor thing. You need to go and talk to someone. xx

Janet1986, if you have nothing helpful to add to the thread then don't post.

msg11

Please contact the Garda, this guy needs to be taken off the streets before he dose it again. Very sorry too here your story, it's sick that people go on like this to other humans.

But seek support.

Rael

Herrick wrote: »

OP I'm so sorry

I strongly urge you to go to the Gardai and Rape Crisis immediately, especially before the obvious bruising and injuries entailed have had time to heal, in case your report would suffer.

OP,

Please report this matter to the Gardaí and get any injuries examined/treated medically & recorded as soon as possible. If you want to pursue this matter, the above is crucial at an early stage.

m'lady

Like all the people who have posted OP, I am so sorry to hear what happened to you, and I really hope you are ok?

Without getting into it, a similar incident happened to me a few years ago, and at the time I didn't have the energy to do anything about it and blamed myself and beat myself up over it. I told nobody, until recently.
Please believe you are not to blame for this, and if you do decide to go to the Gardai and rape crisis centre you will be treated with the upmost respect, also as far as I know, the rape crisis centre will provide an advocate to come with you to the Gardai, I could be wrong on this, maybe someone else reading knows??

I would also consider confiding in a good friend or perhaps your boyfriend, I am sure he would be more understanding than you are thinking right now.

I will always regret not taking my incident further, please don't do same.

<Modsnip>
And remember it WILL be ok xxx

SunnyDub1

OP so sorry to hear what happened.
You really need to report this to the guards, chances are he will do it again to another victim.

You should talk to your boyfriend , you need to speak to someone about this. Family or friend and maybe also speak with your doctor.

Stay strong

Overheal

As Kimia has said, you have the same right as anyone else to enjoy yourself. Don't let that distill the situation: this guy appears to have connived the entire situation. It was a premeditated sexual assault.

Contact Rape crisis immediately and have a medical examination done. Focus on that. Don't think about the other stuff right now. For the moment how your boyfriend might react, your job, etc. none of that matters right now. Just get the first steps done, as theres a finite amount of time to do so.

OkayWhatever

You should talk to your boyfriend,he's not gonna hate you or blame you for what happened. He, or a close friend, can support you with what you need to do next.

I'm so sorry this happened to you and I hope you're okay.Keep your chin up and don't blame yourself for what happened, it was not your fault. You don't deserve to feel the way you feel, and things will be okay.

katisha

Oh hun, my heart went out to you reading this. Please, please don't blame yourself at all, you did nothing wrong. Particulary if you were taking drugs your head just goes and you wouldn't even have been able to react pet. People freeze in these situations, I would have been terrified so I can't even imagine what you've gone through. Get yourself to the rape crisis and the gardai. Lots of love your way xx

tbh

you found yourself in a situation that you'd never been in before, you didn't know what to do, so you did what seemed best to you at the time to give you the best chance of getting out of the situation safely. There's not a person in the country that would judge you harshly for what happened, and although I know it's easy for me to say, the last thing you should do is feel guilty.

As for what you should do now? you should tell your boyfriend and then both of you should go to the guards.

Fox McCloud

Like everyone else I would just like to say how sorry I am that this happened to you.

Also, there was a thread recently in the ladies lounge forum on sexual assaults.
Your experience sounds very similar to what a lot of other women have experienced, particularly going along with the situation in order to protect yourself and get the hell out of the situation. Its something which may confuse you afterwards as to whether or not it was rape. In reality it was a survival method and you survied.

I thought you might like to read the thread if you felt up to it and that it might help you to see that your are not alone in your experience.

LegacyUser

Hi its the original poster thanks for all your replies ive been reading them everyday.
I told my boyfriend what happened but i wouldnt tell him who it was/where it was and he left me.

Lollipops23

alias999 wrote: »

I told my boyfriend what happened but i wouldnt tell him who it was/where it was and he left me.

Sorry, he left you after you told him you were raped? If that is the case you are certainly better off without him.
OP I would press you to please report this man to the police- you have nothing, i repeat nothing to be ashamed of. What this man did was wrong and he needs to be prevented from doing it again.
I know it's hard, but please go down to make a statement, ask for a female Garda if that would help make it easier.

Kidchameleon

Why would you not tell your BF who or where it was? If you were raped you should have gone to the guards by now.

Herrick

OP I'm not giving out to you here just to be very clear.

But why wouldn't you tell your bf who it was or where it happened? From this I also assume you didn't report it? Your are letting that scumbag get away with this and he most likely will do it again.

Did your bf leave you just because you got raped or was it because your refused to tell him who it was and then refused to report it? If he left you simply because your were raped, then yeah, he's no loss. But if its because you more or less said to him you were raped but then point blank refused to say anymore or report it, then its a different matter, in my opinion at least.

I'm sorry but if I was your bf and was told a that a guy raped you but you then point blank refused to say anymore or contact the Gardai, I would find it very hard to deal with.
I can understand if you are maybe afraid to open up about the experience with him at this moment in time, but you have to go to the authorities with this.

You can't keep something like this quiet. Not only will it give the guy a chance to do it again, but you will need some sort of counselling to help you through this.

I really really urge you to go to the Gardai OP.

LegacyUser

Hey thanks for your input. I'm writing this on phone so there mayb be some typos.
The reason why I didn't want to tell him who it was is because I'm afraid of what he will do to him. Also the guy that did it is strong and would definitely have access to a gun if he wanted. I don't want my boyfriend or me to get hurt in retaliation.

I just want to forget about the whole thing, I was in counselling before this happened I havent told her yet but I will.
My mam and a close friend also know. I feel ok now and am coming to terms with it.

Re: the gards. Because the incident Is in the 'grey area', ie it wasn't a stranger in a dark alley, it's literally his words against mine. I have washed the clothes and I'm not in Pain anymore so I don't see a basis for evidence, let alone a strong case.
I don't want to go in the gory details in the station, have him called in and give his statement and the case be dismissed or not brought to Court.

If it did go to Court (statistics on RCC website it can takes months, if not years to get a date) it makes me sick to think that I would be cross-examined(? Can't remember the word)

His defence would be saying 'oh why did u go back with him?' and all this stuff that would be horrible having to answer to all those questions in front of an audience.

I could lose my job (we work for the same company).
And if he was found not guilty- honestly I would kill myself because everyone would assume I had made it up!!
My boyfriend is very much pushing me to go to the Gards..

Thanks to the poster who suggested the thread in TLL it's a good read.

Kimia

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Why would you not tell your BF who or where it was? If you were raped you should have gone to the guards by now.

Herrick wrote: »

OP I'm not giving out to you here just to be very clear.

But why wouldn't you tell your bf who it was or where it happened? From this I also assume you didn't report it? Your are letting that scumbag get away with this and he most likely will do it again.

Did your bf leave you just because you got raped or was it because your refused to tell him who it was and then refused to report it? If he left you simply because your were raped, then yeah, he's no loss. But if its because you more or less said to him you were raped but then point blank refused to say anymore or report it, then its a different matter, in my opinion at least.

I'm sorry but if I was your bf and was told a that a guy raped you but you then point blank refused to say anymore or contact the Gardai, I would find it very hard to deal with.
I can understand if you are maybe afraid to open up about the experience with him at this moment in time, but you have to go to the authorities with this.

You can't keep something like this quiet. Not only will it give the guy a chance to do it again, but you will need some sort of counselling to help you through this.

I really really urge you to go to the Gardai OP.

Guys, bad form. Stop shoulding the OP - she'll go to the guards if she wants. Everyone knows how a rape victim gets treated (victim blaming) so I can completely understand her hesitation so lay off trying to guilt her into speaking with the guards and then saying that you understand why her boyfriend left her because of it! Bloody hell, some people.

OP I totally get where you're coming from. Right now, concentrate on healing yourself and coming to terms with what happened, you have a lot to process.

Unfortunately although we should be able to rely on the guards in this situation, I can see why you're hesitant. I would be too. I don't know what to say other than I'm sorry this happened to you. I wish you all the best.

Herrick

Kimia wrote: »

Guys, bad form. Stop shoulding the OP - she'll go to the guards if she wants. Everyone knows how a rape victim gets treated (victim blaming) so I can completely understand her hesitation so lay off trying to guilt her into speaking with the guards and then saying that you understand why her boyfriend left her because of it! Bloody hell, some people

I'm not trying to guilt her into anything, I'm simply stating the truth. He very well may be likely to do it again, in fact the OP may not be the first poor girl he has done this to. I was simply saying it would be important to report it, the same as everyone else here. For all we know he is known to the Gardai already.

But the OP has made her decision not to pursue this any further, she has stated her reasons, which I can understand and is fair enough. All we can hope is she will get through this and receive whatever help she feels she may need.

Also, in regards to her bf, I simply said I can kinda see why he has made such a rash reaction. His gf was attacked in the most horrible way and he probably feels powerless to make it better and hasn't a clue what to do. All he knows is the person he loves has suffered and the person responsible is out there and getting away with it and there isn't a damn thing he can do about it. Lets face it, as much as we can understand the reasons why the OP doesn't want to take this further, her bf is most likely very frustrated, angry and upset that nothing will be done about it, that in his eyes she will get no justice.
I never said her bf was right to leave her, in fact, I bet he will come back once he is thinking clearly. So you can leave your high horse in the stable.

All I can say OP is I hope you will be ok. At least you have a counselor that you can talk to. Whenever you eventually decide to bring it up with her, hopefully she can help you work through it.

I wish you all the best.

Overheal

Kimia wrote: »

Everyone knows how a rape victim gets treated (victim blaming) so I can completely understand her hesitation

Big difference between people who run around half naked with their bits falling out of their top and no sense of self awareness or personal security (whom I do criticize for want of such people to be better educated about and prepared for their own self defense) and someone who as TBH rightly pointed out gets caught up in a situation thats completely foreign to them where some strong guy (with access to a gun?) forces himself on you and you have no idea how to react.

OP all I can say is based on many cases of past abuse I've read about on here, it's very hard to just 'forget'. Some people go for years with unresolved sexual abuse issues and it ruins their lives, because they can't trust anybody after that. Think thoroughly about how this affects you. I would still try to pursue the matter, personally. As for your boyfriend you either trust him not to fly off the handle or you don't, and if you don't then you may need to consider where your relationship is at. But keep in mind you might be better off with someone in your corner.

Its my personal belief that rape and sexual abuse are more serious in Ireland than people yet realize because of how often it goes unreported. You are fortunate though that in even just the last 2 or 3 years awareness of the issue has been growing exponentially. Do not be afraid to pursue this, and don't be discouraged just because you've lost some ground on time and evidence, there are still plenty of ways it can play out. You should still attempt to have bloodwork analyzed for any foreign substances that might have been spiked into the wine that he had. That part of your story seemed suspicious, like this might be something he is used to doing, his own private nest with intoxicants to subdue women with.

He pulled out an undrinkable bottle of wine from the back of his cupboard which was left untouched.

NFH

Overheal wrote: »

Big difference between people who run around half naked with their bits falling out of their top and no sense of self awareness or personal security (whom I do criticize for want of such people to be better educated about and prepared for their own self defense) and someone who as TBH rightly pointed out gets caught up in a situation thats completely foreign to them where some strong guy (with access to a gun?) forces himself on you and you have no idea how to react.

Ah here come on now! Look I read this post when it went up first but I didn't post a reply cause my opinion of the situation was not in line with the other replies soI figured it wouldn't be too popular, but I think some of these replies are a bit much, now the guy has a gun like!

Look some very obvious points - why was she drinking and doing drugs with the guy she said creep'd her out alone in a private room above the bar, if I found out my gf did that I would probably dump her. And she said she LET HIM have sex with her in the end so that he might get over his crush, THAT IS MENTAL! I'm sorry but if you don't want to have sex you do everything in your power to stop it. From the situation depicted it is very plausible for him to say that he thought it was consensual.

The situation they were in, 99% of men would have thought that she was interested in them. Ye were both drunk and doing drugs and the effort you made to stop him from your original post did not seem to put up much of a resistance at all and when you eventually said you let him have sex with you he might have thought it was consensual in his state. And him hugging and getting you water afterwards is not the actions of someone who thought they raped you.

My problem with some of the replies is that they are almost comparing this situation with actual violent rape which IMO is a very different thing to what happened here.

I do feel for the OP as she is very upset but this to me is more of a very unfortunate situation than rape. And there is literally nothing the guards can do here. As to the OP, I think the best thing you can do is speak to your councilor about the situation and get her professional advice.

Just to conclude, I am completely basing my opinion on the exact details depicted by the OP, she might have left out some details etc that actually make this rape but solely from the original post I don't see this as rape.

Meauldsegosha

NFH wrote: »

Ah here come on now! Look I read this post when it went up first but I didn't post a reply cause my opinion of the situation was not in line with the other replies soI figured it wouldn't be too popular, but I think some of these replies are a bit much, now the guy has a gun like!

Look some very obvious points - why was she drinking and doing drugs with the guy she said creep'd her out alone in a private room above the bar, if I found out my gf did that I would probably dump her. And she said she LET HIM have sex with her in the end so that he might get over his crush, THAT IS MENTAL! I'm sorry but if you don't want to have sex you do everything in your power to stop it. From the situation depicted it is very plausible for him to say that he thought it was consensual.

The situation they were in, 99% of men would have thought that she was interested in them. Ye were both drunk and doing drugs and the effort you made to stop him from your original post did not seem to put up much of a resistance at all and when you eventually said you let him have sex with you he might have thought it was consensual in his state. And him hugging and getting you water afterwards is not the actions of someone who thought they raped you.

My problem with some of the replies is that they are almost comparing this situation with actual violent rape which IMO is a very different thing to what happened here.

I do feel for the OP as she is very upset but this to me is more of a very unfortunate situation than rape. And there is literally nothing the guards can do here. As to the OP, I think the best thing you can do is speak to your councilor about the situation and get her professional advice.

Just to conclude, I am completely basing my opinion on the exact details depicted by the OP, she might have left out some details etc that actually make this rape but solely from the original post I don't see this as rape.

She said no and it doesn't matter how much drink and drugs were had. No means no. Attitudes like yours are the reason so many rapes and sexual assualts go unreported in this country. Rape is rape whether there is violence involved or not. Are only people who are held at knife point and forced to have sex allowed say they when raped.

Op I'm going to lock this as it's getting into semantics which are not helpful and I think from your last post you're done with it.
Please do PM me or the other mods if I'm wrong & you want it re opened for further advice.