A crush for everyone in the audience

LegacyUser

My fiance told me recently she basically gets crushes on almost every guy she meets - this doesn't include some random guy who serves her in a shop or anything. I'm talking any guy at work she has even minimal contact with her, guys in her college class (she finished a post-grad year ago), lecturers who would have had frequent contact with the class group, friendship circle etc.

This came up from a general chat we were having about a friend of hers flirting with someone else in a relationship and it just went down this road.

She says basically if a guy is either nice to her or makes her laugh she gets a crush... By crush she says this entails thinking about them sexually, gets that sort of "happy" feeling when they are around, gets a desire to hang around longer than maybe necessary after work to talk to them (we're talking 20-30 minutes not staying "late"), things of this nature.

She says it's perfectly normal but I say it's not something I feel comfortable about - partly as she has cheated on an ex in the past with a guy she had one of these crushes on and did tell me early on she was a drink away from kissing another crush of hers from work at an Xmas party - this at the time I was willing to move on with.

My uncomfortablness comes from it being pretty much every guy and not just once and a while. I know there is no definitive "normal" in relationship or in how a person thinks, but is this normal? Would you be ok with it?

Getting a crush on anyone who pays you a blind bit of non-romantic attention is not normal at all, no

Katgurl

When I am in a very happy committed relationship I tend to have indiscriminate crushes in a sort of "oh he's a great guy, if i was single i definitely would" on any guy who is nice. I think this is largely because there is no chance whatsoever of being with him so I can base supposed crushes on somebody being a nice bloke.

So when I began reading the op this is what I thought was going on with your girlfriend.

However what you went on to describe is completely unacceptable IMO. She hangs around waiting to talk to any man who shows her attention and thinks about them sexually. All of them?! And why on gods earth did she tell you she was one drink away from Kissing a bloke in work? Was she confessing and saying she was going to be more careful with her drink in future? If not, the only explanation I can come up with is nasty mindgames. That or taking naivety to a new level.

Either way I would not be happy in your shoes.

P. Breathnach

areyouserious. wrote: »

... Would you be ok with it?

No.

While I wouldn't expect a partner to be thinking of me all the time, neither would I expect her to be thinking of other men a great deal of the time. And I sure as hell would be unhappy about her seeking out their company.

_dublinlad_

Wow, what a thing to say to a guy. Sounds like she has the emotional intelligence of a potato.

If a woman said that to me I would find it impossible to trust her. I cant see someone that is 100% in love with you having those thoughts. Sure glance and have a momentary thought of "oh they are nice"... but waiting back after work to hang out with them because she has a crush on them?!

I know its very easy to say from an objective point of view, but I would run a mile away from that woman. Because she either dosent fully love you, or she is so needy that she needs validation from every guys she speaks with.

.... and then the telling you part!!? Wow, really don't know how I would react if that bombshell was landed on me. That is really really not normal of healthy.

Bodhidharma

Sounds like an idiot who is lying to keep you on your toes. What she probably doesn't realise is that she's underminning your trust in her. That, or she's telling the truth, either way its manipulative and/or worrying.

TheBegotten

Phychological explanation: Humans are, by nature, both polyamourous and monogamous. This means that, while you may have complete and utter adoration and loyalty to your partner, you can't help but fancy some of the people you come across. This is infatuation or lust. Both aspects are nessacery. Without the monogamous side, society wouldn't function at its core level, without the polyamourous side people would rarely reproduce or re-enter relationships.
In brief, your OH (sorry mods) is just clearing the air. This sounds more like an unclear margin between friends and potentials on her part.

analucija

I don't think there is any particular harm in having silly crushes or even sexual fantasies about someone (there would be no market for porn otherwise). However your girlfriend seems to be a bit too eager to act upon them sometimes and that would worry me.

Joey the lips

It sounds like something is wrong in her family history. ie mother and father broke up...

Taltos

Joey - as per our charter please ensure your posts are kept civil and constructive.

Making guesses on facts not in evidence is not what this forum is about.

Thanks
Taltos

P. Breathnach

There is a thing that bugs me about this matter. If, as I do, OP considers his fiancee's disposition and behaviour unacceptable, what can he do about it?

tbh

P. Breathnach wrote: »

There is a thing that bugs me about this matter. If, as I do, OP considers his fiancee's disposition and behaviour unacceptable, what can he do about it?

he can break up with her. It's pretty simple. She's told him how she is - he now has to make the decision if its something he can put up with, or not.

daisybelle2008

tbh wrote: »

he can break up with her. It's pretty simple. She's told him how she is - he now has to make the decision if its something he can put up with, or not.

True, he needs to decide if this is a dealbreaker or not. You can't modify or change someones elses behaviour if they don't see a problem with it. Crushes and sexuality are a hard thing to supress for a partner.
If you can't accept it unconditionally then it is going to be a problem.

P. Breathnach

tbh wrote: »

he can break up with her. It's pretty simple. She's told him how she is - he now has to make the decision if its something he can put up with, or not.

But there are two things that I see, and I separated them in my post: her disposition and her behaviour.

He cannot reasonably ask her to change her disposition, but he might choose to put up with that. What she can change is her behaviour, things like seeking opportunities to spend time in the company of men with whom she is infatuated: that's the bit that I would consider more dangerous.

tbh

P. Breathnach wrote: »

But there are two things that I see, and I separated them in my post: her disposition and her behaviour.

He cannot reasonably ask her to change her disposition, but he might choose to put up with that. What she can change is her behaviour, things like seeking opportunities to spend time in the company of men with whom she is infatuated: that's the bit that I would consider more dangerous.

Well I would suggest that her behaviour is a direct result of, and inextricably linked to, her disposition, which as you say, he cannot ask her to change. It's like telling someone you're ok with the fact that they are gay, as long as they don't have sex. Kind of, I guess

The other thing is that she is who she is, she can't deny it forever. She could try to stay away from every man she's attracted to, but it doesn't sound practical, given how easily she gets crushes. If she was my girlfriend, I don't think I could ever trust her 100%.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.

Yeah to me it’s not “normal” – I know I don’t do it but I suppose normal for one is not normal for another.

I understand we don’t just turn off the ability to notice a good looking person and appreciate beauty but, as has been mentioned, it’s the behaviour of taking things beyond her thoughts that is worrying me to say the least.

My trust has shrunk significantly now – I find myself constantly wondering who she is talking with at work (and why), waiting for that text from her to say she’s on her way home knowing she finishes at six, but as ten past, twenty past and so on approach with no word I’m just tearing up inside wondering if she’s hanging back to chat with a male co-worker.

I'm absolutely petrified of her upcoming work night out now...

That said, I’m not sitting here thinking she is “wrong” per se (each to their own) or angry at her for this – but I can’t help but feel her thoughts and follow on actions are not conducive to a healthy relationship with me, given I cannot understand her thought process and don’t think I want to become accepting of the follow on behaviour.

I think people can change – but only if they recognise they need to and I don’t get the impression she does. I think I need to lay my cards on the table about this and see where things go.

LegacyUser

areyouserious. wrote: »

I think people can change – but only if they recognise they need to and I don’t get the impression she does. I think I need to lay my cards on the table about this and see where things go.

Hi op, I thought I would give my perspective on this in the hope it might help. I am kind of the male equivalent of your girlfriend. A difference with me is that in my case it is not so much that I get a crush on every girl that pays attention to me, but I get them on close female friends. Most if not all female friends. This is not in my control and never has been (I am almost 30) and it is something I have come to accept about myself. I tried to change it myself because I felt guilty when I was in long term relationships even though I never acted on them.

It took me awhile to accept it I will admit, but for some reason that is how I am. What it boils down to is whether you really think she would do something about it. But I will say this, be prepared for her to not be able to change. Note I said able to rather than want to because it is possible, like me, that she wont be able to.

I wish you all the best whatever happens.

I am a friend

She is an attention junkie and seems to need that guys are attracted to her as it validates her.... Dunno how you can deal with this one but better now than after the wedding

Herrick

areyouserious. wrote: »

My trust has shrunk significantly now – I find myself constantly wondering who she is talking with at work (and why), waiting for that text from her to say she’s on her way home knowing she finishes at six, but as ten past, twenty past and so on approach with no word I’m just tearing up inside wondering if she’s hanging back to chat with a male co-worker

I completely understand while you feel this way, I think most would. But that's not good for your emotional health at all. You'll end up emotionally crippled being mind melted like this.

I think your right laying it all on the table with her. I couldn't handle being with someone like that.

blatantrereg

No I wouldn't be ok with that.

Not sure you'll get any positive result from trying to get her to change. Not sure it's your place to do so. I think trying to do so is likely to create a bad dynamic in the relationship. She's more likely to adapt her behaviour to appease you, rather than genuinely change her way of thinking [ie - bad dynamic and some underlying resentment]. She might well be offended and angry that you dont accept her for who she is.

You might be better off just ending things tbh, though your commitment and emotional investment will probably make you try to fix things. Dont exhaust yourself trying to do so though. Remember you can always just walk away.