Porn on phone

LegacyUser

I would be glad of some opinions on this issue please.

Would you be upset to accidently find porn on your H phone, using the phone at his bequest?
Knowing your DD was using it earlier? (drawing app)
AND that there is a history of use and requests from myself to not leave it for me to find?

Thanks.

I am a friend

I dont understand what you are saying Op - sorry. Would you mind rephrasing the post please.

Juicyfruit

I think what the OP is trying to say is that she accidentally found porn on her husbands phone which he had given her permission to use, her daughter had been using it earlier and that she has previously asked him not to leave evidence of his porn use around for her to find...

LegacyUser

Sorry in my attempt to keep post consise, left it unclear.
Juicyfruit your right.

I was adding details to a shopping list while he was driving.
Closed list, hit some other key to see the "delightful photos".
My 6 year old uses his phone, to draw, scribble.

This is old news, I get he watches, uses porn, and has reserved the right.
But I have asked not to have to see it....

This might seem small. BUT instead of just saying sorry about that....
He went on attack, I was accused of being inept at using his phone, causing trouble,
refused to accept it would have been possible for DD to also have accidently found photos,
and when i said "so its tough cookies" he agreed.

I am weary of fighting and of feeling low on his list of priorities.

Please don't use those acronyms as not everyone understands them, H DD and so on
thanks

skinsuit

Settings-Safari-Private Browsing-On and, voila! Everybody's happy.

Oh and you mentioned cookies, he should clear them too to be on the safe side.

Johnny_BravoIII

Don't use your daughter to force him to change habits you disagree with.
At least be straight enough to say you take personal issue with this behaviour.

LegacyUser

Bluewolf sorry about acronyms.

Skinsuit thanks for reply, I would have hoped he was using private browsing already.
I guess he does not.

Johnny Bravo - I have been straight about my distaste for his porn pleasures.
IT has been discussed at length over years, with agreements of his not leaving it in my face.
And these agreements have been arrived at after our little girl found the telly on porn.
After I opened the laptop at 10 one Saturday morning, while he was up minding the children.
(he has head phones on and they were watching cartoons.)
After finding him numerous times mid transit (not around children) enjoying the pleasures of porn.
He also says he doesnt view it much.... it appears I am just unfortunate.

I know its "not cool" to not be into porn. But I don't like it.
I have tried watching soem with him... wouldn't do much for me...

However my question was... would you be upset if after previous agreements...
I still find it.
AND it is valid that I try and protect a 6 year old from pornagraphic images.
For the record sex is not porn.

Taltos

Hi OP

a close family member went through similar issues with her now ex over a number of years.
Going from - the PC history not being cleared and the kids both young teenagers finding all manner of porn sites there - from soft porn to hard, including sites specifically advertising teenagers (who happened to look the same age as the daughter). Same with the TV - but he actively watched it while the children were in the house and they both walked in on him.
Most of this happened while the mother was travelling with work (happened rarely but there were some trips).

Finally after years of asking him to stop or at least be discrete and sensitive to both her and the kids she had to call it a day. Please don't misunderstand me here - I am not advising you to do this - I am just letting you know the path disagreements such as this can take. Her ex is still years later obstinately of the view that he did nothing wrong and that "sure all men watch porn, it's only natural." He also blames her and her "puritanical views on sex" for the breakup.

Hopefully you are not dealing with someone like that who has no respect for you or your child. In my view this is something you both need to tackle now and come to agreement on. If he enjoys porn and it is not hurting anyone or your relationship then great - however once it starts impacting on how you feel about him or worse on your child then he needs to wake up and cop onto himself.

As above there are loads of steps he can take if he wants to use porn - safe browsing, phone locks. You can even remove/block these stations from your telly...
Can I suggest you list out everything you are afraid of here, for example.
1. Your daughter being exposed to any of this material.
2. The TV being left on any of these stations
3. Internet history
4. Safety of some of these sites - eg which ones use consenting adults and which perpetuate all that is wrong about the sex industry.
5. Impact to your sex life, use of porn can affect you both, it can desensitise some men and have the effect of making the other partner feel less sexual (just like those images of the perfect airbrushed celebrity).

Then ask for a compromise. I think edicts or threats rarely work here - let him know the emotional effect this is having on you - sometimes seeing the effect of your decisions is a good argument. And then just tell him the way it needs to be - ie with a child in the home he needs to take all necessary safeguards to ensure that neither she nor any visitors are put in a position where they will "find" this material. And I mean that in the hardest way - kids have a way with computers, for example if you clear your browsing history unless you have also cleared your cookies that material and sites are still there...

Best of luck - do your best to work through this - but remember - it is your home too and you need to be able to relax there too without worrying what station will appear on the telly when your daughter brings a friend home from school...

LegacyUser

Thanks Taltos... you have covered a lot of the issues.

Thanks for all replies.

Lisha

HI Worrier,

I get that you re not into porn, personally I cant stand it at all myself.
I just wanted to say that you are not alone in not liking it. It is considered so acceptable now that you'd nearly feel like a freak for not being into it:rolleyes::(
Taltos did make some excellent point in his post.
Best of luck, I really hope you can find a way through this that suits you both.

I am a friend

worrier.... wrote: »

My 6 year old uses his phone, to draw, scribble.

well this is what needs to stop... Your husband is entitled to do what he wants with the phone as he is a grown adult... The issue here is the child using his phone so stop that habit...

Elmidena

Hmmm seems to be a few issues at play here all right. Not meaning any offence, just quite tired so please don't take anything the wrong way!

* Your husband didn't leave porn for you to find; he asked you to add things to a list and you chose to close it and hit another key which accidentally brought it up. That's quite different to saying "can you unlock my phone" and then the wallpaper being hardcore imagery etc.

*I'm quite old fashioned in the sense that the idea of a six year old messing with such an expensive piece of electronics repulses me, but as you are ok with it then my opinions are irrelevant. If she is going to be using the phone frequently, is there any way of setting up a password on "unsuitable" folders and whatnot? No matter how trustworthy she is to use an app, there'll come a time when she'll fancy a nose through personal stuff most likely.

* If your husband has files saved on phone, you could see if he'd be agreeable to storing them on the SD and popping it out when your daughter gets the phone? If cookies/history/cache etc are wiped each time then there would be no reason for her to stumble across anything pornographic.

* You don't agree with or like porn, but that's his choice. A word of advice, the more you make it out to be something vile the bigger a wall you're putting between ye. He's not hiding explicit pictures in your books or changing your homepage to redtube or something. These are accidental instances from what I can gather, he's not rubbing your nose in it but because it's distasteful to you it feels more frequent and devious than it actually is. Respect his privacy and the odds of discovering such would be limited substantially; if there's a risk of him pleasuring himself then he should lock the door so you knock or something instead of wandering in unprepared. Even if you know what he's doing and seethe inside or whatever negative feelings you do experience, it avoids the possibility of you seeing him enjoying content you despise.

* Make some mutual boundaries for the habit and then both stick to it, and ensure your daughter is shielded from such imagery. But make sure you do something that you enjoy OP, it sounds like you need to take your mind off things by unwinding and finding joy, rather than feeling bitter or hurt etc at your partner's activity. Take an hour out for a long soak in the bath or something, and just forget about the outside world for a while and focus on the positive not the problems

LegacyUser

Elmidena wrote: »

Hmmm seems to be a few issues at play here all right. Not meaning any offence, just quite tired so please don't take anything the wrong way!

* Your husband didn't leave porn for you to find; he asked you to add things to a list and you chose to close it and hit another key which accidentally brought it up. That's quite different to saying "can you unlock my phone" and then the wallpaper being hardcore imagery etc.

*I'm quite old fashioned in the sense that the idea of a six year old messing with such an expensive piece of electronics repulses me, but as you are ok with it then my opinions are irrelevant. If she is going to be using the phone frequently, is there any way of setting up a password on "unsuitable" folders and whatnot? No matter how trustworthy she is to use an app, there'll come a time when she'll fancy a nose through personal stuff most likely.

* If your husband has files saved on phone, you could see if he'd be agreeable to storing them on the SD and popping it out when your daughter gets the phone? If cookies/history/cache etc are wiped each time then there would be no reason for her to stumble across anything pornographic.

* You don't agree with or like porn, but that's his choice. A word of advice, the more you make it out to be something vile the bigger a wall you're putting between ye. He's not hiding explicit pictures in your books or changing your homepage to redtube or something. These are accidental instances from what I can gather, he's not rubbing your nose in it but because it's distasteful to you it feels more frequent and devious than it actually is. Respect his privacy and the odds of discovering such would be limited substantially; if there's a risk of him pleasuring himself then he should lock the door so you knock or something instead of wandering in unprepared. Even if you know what he's doing and seethe inside or whatever negative feelings you do experience, it avoids the possibility of you seeing him enjoying content you despise.

* Make some mutual boundaries for the habit and then both stick to it, and ensure your daughter is shielded from such imagery. But make sure you do something that you enjoy OP, it sounds like you need to take your mind off things by unwinding and finding joy, rather than feeling bitter or hurt etc at your partner's activity. Take an hour out for a long soak in the bath or something, and just forget about the outside world for a while and focus on the positive not the problems

How distasteful. And what a rotten way to have to live.

Your husband is the one that chooses an 'activity' that doesn't sit well with family life. So it's up to him to organise a way that doesn't cause friction.

But yes, I'd agree that you shouldn't be using his phone or laptop, and neither should any children. Phones and laptops are private things, like diaries, and other people should stay out of them. Lists can be written on a piece of paper!

Also, I'd agree that children are inquisitive and will try to use/read stuff they're not supposed to. So his phone and laptop should have passwords that only he knows.

Much cheaper for you to have your own laptop and phone than for the family atmosphere to turn sour.

And the TV should be off limits for porn viewing. The laptop is more than sufficient.