Would you date a stingy guy?

LegacyUser

My beautiful sister is dating a dark, tall and handsome man with a good job but unrealistically stingy. That really annoys me. She doesn't think that is a major problem but I think it is.

Her dating story:

First date:
He asked her out, she paid for all her drinks plus one of his, he paid his own drinks (red flag number 1)

Second date:
He suggested to have lunch with her on their lunch break. He ordered coffee only instead and my sister ordered her lunch and he shared it with her when he was offered and of course my sister paid for everything since she doesn't like to go Dutch in this case(red flag number 2)

Third date:
He text her " I would love to take a beautiful lady out for a lovely dinner...." (fake fake) so they went for dinner. when she just sat down looking at the menu, he said " I will pay for your main course so just order whatever you fancy"(oh dear???). My sis ordered her three course meal, a bottle of wine and he had a main course. She only paid for herself this time. she forgot her house keys in work that evening. I was away so he offered her to stay at his that eve, they didn't have sex (I'm so glad). In the morning, he poured the last smoothies in his glass and had his cereal for breakfast but he asked my sis if she wanted a cup of tea( too many reg flags)

I'm going crazy when she told me all of these, this guy is not only stingy but lacks of moral decency. I don't know about tall and handsome and good conversations they had and how much he is into her (I doubt it) but this guy is far away from being a nice gentleman, he does not have a basic manner. My sister is a beautiful, generous person and she used to date guys who treat her well but this time she is loosing her mind.

I feel like to text him from her phone saying that" Mr Stingy, stay away from my sister". Would you go on more than one date with this guy ladies? and what other men think of Mr stingy? or am I overreacting?

Katgurl

i would absolutely not date the miser but your sister is a grown woman so its up to her, not you

Squiggler

He sounds awful, but it's really none of your business and your sister has to make her own mind up.

Sorry, but you're just going to have to stay out of it, keep your opinion to yourself and be prepared to help pick up the pieces if it all goes pearshaped.

Emme

He sounds like a nightmare. Your sister deserves better. I would sit her down and talk to her. Tell her it's her business if she stays going out with him but ask her to estimate how much has she spent on dates since she met this man in comparison to how much he has spent.

If she continues to date him her self-esteem will plummet, indeed, she mustn't have great self-esteem if she puts up with his behaviour. I presume she's relatively young. Older men on the dating scene can be very mean but there's no reason a young woman should put up with this behaviour.

wivy

what an a**!!!!
seriously what kind of a person eats their breakfast in front of someone and doesnt offer them something?
he takes stingey to a whole new level! no decency!
really really bad form! hate to think what he would be like down the line! :eek:

I am a friend

He is who he is...

My question would be - what the f is wrong with your sister who continues to date him??? That's the problem here - the fact she is willing to be treated like this.

Also don't see how it's a personal issue for you?

_dublinlad_

I have the same opinion as some of the above posters. It really is none of your business, if she asks for your opinion on the matter - give it, but otherwise stay out of it completely.

He is of course acting like a bit of a dick, but its up to your sister to choose to confront him about it if she wishes. Its obvious you have your heart in the right place, but your sister is a grown woman who should be able to deal with issues like this herself.

Miss Fluff

beauty and the beast wrote: »

when she just sat down looking at the menu, he said " I will pay for your main course so just order whatever you fancy"(oh dear???).

:eek: The cheeky, miserly tight-arse! If he's behaving like this after one or two dates imagine being married to the gob****e!! I think when someone is that tight it shows a very fundamental flaw in them and I'd be running in the opposite direction. As this is your sister however there is not much you can say. Voice your concerns to her (once) and then leave it, she's an adult and will make her own choices and you don't want to say anything too scathing lest she decides he's the one!

Idle Passerby

If your sister hasn't complained its nothing to do with you.

Personally I rather going dutch when dating. I don't like the idea that the man should pay for everything for the woman. We're not little 1950's housewives that need to be treated. Its always nice when the man offers but I do think the next meal should then be on the other person.

Emme

Idle Passerby wrote: »

If your sister hasn't complained its nothing to do with you.

Personally I rather going dutch when dating. I don't like the idea that the man should pay for everything for the woman. We're not little 1950's housewives that need to be treated. Its always nice when the man offers but I do think the next meal should then be on the other person.

I'm all for going dutch when dating as well but if you read the OP's post you will see that this guy isn't going dutch. He is taking the proverbial. If money is tight with somebody I'd understand but his lack of hospitality (slugging smoothies and guzzling cornflakes for breakfast while offering his guest only a cup of tea) speaks volumes.

He bought his own drinks on the first date and she bought drinks for herself and himself. He didn't buy her a drink back. In Ireland this is very bad form.

He's not making any effort to impress her which is really bad. If he isn't making an effort to impress at the start, what will he be like later on?

Idle Passerby

Yeah, he does actually seem to be going beyond equal opportunities alright.

LegacyUser

OP here. Much Appreciated all your replies.

I know very well this is non of my business and its not my personal issue but she is my sister who I care for very much. She is concerned about this that's why she told me all about it. I have sat her down and have talked to her, she told me good things about him like he is a barrister in his thirties, very intelligent, good conversations and he made her laugh and so on...but for sure he is not emotional intelligence, he is not a caring guy, very selfish indeed and no decency. She is very independent girl with a good career and I am very surprised that how could she let herself to be treated like that. I start to worry about her self-esteem. I am thinking of showing her this threat this weekend and I hope she will see its time to run for the hills.
I'm just wondering if he has ever been told that he is rude and stingy.

niceoneted

Who's to say he is not up to eye balls in debt. If he is a Barrister he may have spent years in college (and now have loans) plus it takes a long time deviling before you start to make any money.
yes he does sound a bit cheap but this may be the reason for it. It may not be a case of him being stingy more broke, but still interested in your sister.
Perhaps she should try some cost free dates with him to see how they get on with out money being involved.

I'm sorry, but I don't really find a problem with a lot of these mostly, which is likely to not gain me any favour, but whatever -

First date: he paid for his own drinks, she paid for hers and one of his, which I'm assuming was offered by her somehow. I really don't see a problem with that. Just because he asked her out, does not automatically mean that he has to pay for everything. They paid for their own stuff. It makes sense

Second date: I'm not going to turn down a free food. If someone offers, I'll ask if they're sure - if they re-offer, I'm going to take them up on it.

Third date: he offered to pay for food, when he didn't have to. He was nice to. She paid for her stuff, he paid for his and her main course. Again, don't see a massive problem with this.

As for the whole breakfast issue - you said he poured the last of the smoothie - it's his, he should be allowed to drink it, and that he had his cereal - again, it's his. You never mentioned if he had any other breakfast stuff, so it's likely this is why he never offered.

Also, you said that he lacks moral decency without giving any examples as to where he is lacking this.

So yeah, he may be stingy, but it makes perfect sense to me. To me, you are overreacting greatly. It's not your place to get involved. Sister or not, she's a grown woman and let her make her own decisions.

LegacyUser

niceoneted wrote: »

Who's to say he is not up to eye balls in debt. If he is a Barrister he may have spent years in college (and now have loans) plus it takes a long time deviling before you start to make any money.
yes he does sound a bit cheap but this may be the reason for it. It may not be a case of him being stingy more broke, but still interested in your sister.
Perhaps she should try some cost free dates with him to see how they get on with out money being involved.

Thanks Niceoneted. We totally understand what you are saying about Barristers, we are working with them all the time and we know its not the case with this guy. He would spend a lot of money on a suit to look good for a date and many more but he wouldn't offer his date a drink. Again, its not my business, I will not interfere in her relationship but I would like to see others opinions.

aN.Droid

Too be honest op. A person who expects there date to pay for them is the one who is stingy. This is the 21st century. Maybe he was a little inconsiderate by not offering her breakfast but when it comes to drinks and dinner there is no way he should have to pay for both his and hers and expecting otherwise is quite stingy.

Would you have the same view if the story was reversed?

I am a friend

Op are you posting here to 'out' him? There can't be too many talk, dark and handsome, mid 30's barristers in the country?!?!?

johnr1

Emme wrote: »

He sounds like a nightmare. Your sister deserves better. I would sit her down and talk to her. Tell her it's her business if she stays going out with him but ask her to estimate how much has she spent on dates since she met this man in comparison to how much he has spent.

If she continues to date him her self-esteem will plummet, indeed, she mustn't have great self-esteem if she puts up with his behaviour. I presume she's relatively young. Older men on the dating scene can be very mean but there's no reason a young woman should put up with this behaviour.

Get your stupid cut into every post anyway, - we all get it at this stage Emme,- you hate older guys.

OP, Yes, stingy people are horrible, - but it's really none of your business. Just be there to pick up the pieces as someone else suggested.

Emme

Limericks wrote: »

Too be honest op. A person who expects there date to pay for them is the one who is stingy. This is the 21st century. Maybe he was a little inconsiderate by not offering her breakfast but when it comes to drinks and dinner there is no way he should have to pay for both his and hers and expecting otherwise is quite stingy.

Would you have the same view if the story was reversed?

I pointed out earlier that they aren't going Dutch. The man is too rude to buy her back a drink when she buys him one, he said he would pay for a main course on a dinner date but she ended up paying for herself. If he had said "we'll go to dinner but is it ok if we go dutch" it would have been more polite.

I don't know how they treat guests in your neck of the woods boneyarsebogman but if I had someone to visit or to stay over I would at least offer them what I'm having. It's manners. If you can't do that then don't have guests, you don't deserve company of any sort.

This man is intelligent, educated and in a profession where emotional intelligence is key. There is no excuse for his behaviour. Perhaps he has an overinflated opinion of his worth (tall, dark, handsome, intelligent barrister) that he thinks women should pay for the privilege of being in his company. Maybe he worked as an escort to put himself through law school and this has warped his views of women somewhat. If he did I'm not judging him but he should ditch the habit of making the woman pay now and at the very least be willing to go dutch.

I hate to say it OP, but this man sees your sister as a doormat and is walking all over her. If she stays with him it will get even worse. I suspect he doesn't want a woman who has healthy self-esteem and he gets a kick out of humiliating your sister.

Tell (ok advise) her to get rid. Just because this man is tall, dark, handsome and paid to flap around in a wig and gown doesn't make him a catch.

niceoneted

niceoneted wrote: »

Who's to say he is not up to eye balls in debt. If he is a Barrister he may have spent years in college (and now have loans) plus it takes a long time deviling before you start to make any money.
yes he does sound a bit cheap but this may be the reason for it. It may not be a case of him being stingy more broke, but still interested in your sister.
Perhaps she should try some cost free dates with him to see how they get on with out money being involved.

Hang on now, if that was me and i was "up to my eyeballs in debt" i wouldnt be asking anyone out on dates until i could afford to contribute my share. Id rather sit home alone for the rest of my life than have people think i was "tight", but thats just me

Emme

johnr1 wrote: »

Get your stupid cut into every post anyway, - we all get it at this stage Emme,- you hate older guys.

OP, Yes, stingy people are horrible, - but it's really none of your business. Just be there to pick up the pieces as someone else suggested.

John, I don't hate older guys. I was making an observation that some older guys on the dating scene can be very mean. Perhaps this is why these men are still single. I'm sure some younger guys can be mean too, just as women of all ages can be mean.

I don't think that this man should be allowed to chip away at the self-esteem of the OP's sister. I believe that it is negligent to sit back, say nothing and let her be treated badly. If this man was beating her sister black and blue what should the OP do? OK, he isn't beating her black and blue but he is definitely battering her self-esteem with his behaviour.

He isn't even willing to go dutch on dates which is giving the sister an implicit message "you are unworthy of me and have to pay to be in my company".

Taltos

johnr1 - we welcome opinions however we do not welcome posters who abuse other posters. As per the charter - argue the post but don't attack the poster.

Continued posting in this manner will result in a ban.

Can I remind everyone if you have an issue with a post / poster use the report feature if you feel they are in breach of our charter.

Thanks
Taltos

bodyandsoul

Emme wrote: »

I pointed out earlier that they aren't going Dutch. The man is too rude to buy her back a drink when she buys him one, he said he would pay for a main course on a dinner date but she ended up paying for herself. If he had said "we'll go to dinner but is it ok if we go dutch" it would have been more polite.

I don't know how they treat guests in your neck of the woods boneyarsebogman but if I had someone to visit or to stay over I would at least offer them what I'm having. It's manners. If you can't do that then don't have guests, you don't deserve company of any sort.

This man is intelligent, educated and in a profession where emotional intelligence is key. There is no excuse for his behaviour. Perhaps he has an overinflated opinion of his worth (tall, dark, handsome, intelligent barrister) that he thinks women should pay for the privilege of being in his company. Maybe he worked as an escort to put himself through law school and this has warped his views of women somewhat. If he did I'm not judging him but he should ditch the habit of making the woman pay now and at the very least be willing to go dutch.

I hate to say it OP, but this man sees your sister as a doormat and is walking all over her. If she stays with him it will get even worse. I suspect he doesn't want a woman who has healthy self-esteem and he gets a kick out of humiliating your sister.

Tell (ok advise) her to get rid. Just because this man is tall, dark, handsome and paid to flap around in a wig and gown doesn't make him a catch.

Very true and very well said Emme. I agree.

Mickey Dazzler

Its all good and well being thrifty but pure stinginess is just unacceptable.

Johnny_BravoIII

Be careful of how high you're setting the bar here........

Date 1 - they spit the drinks.
Date 2 - he wasn't hungry.she picked up a coffee for him
Date 3 - he paid for her main-course.
(who has the price of a 3-course meal these days?)

In the morning, he poured the last smoothies in his glass and had his cereal for breakfast

Boy's don't share food unless its a survival situation.

but he asked my sis if she wanted a cup of tea

pretty friendly I say

I'm going crazy when she told me all of these, this guy is not only stingy but lacks of moral decency.

IMO your expectations are unreasonable and more than slightly pretentious. The guy may be broke, in negative equity, buried in bills & secretly panicking each time your sisters eyes wander down the wine menu. He may have calculated he had just about the extra €20 quid for her meal and prayed she didn't go duck!!

But ya know what, he may like your sister very much & hope he can wing it until the day he can buy her whatever she wants.

Life is not an episode of sex in the city. Every "tall, dark & handsome" man is not necessarily loaded and available for VIP partying all night.

You have your sisters head riddled. Leave her alone to make a correct judgement call as to this mans CHARACTER and as to whether it suits hers.

ps

" I would love to take a beautiful lady out for a lovely dinner...."

That's some flinch-worthy cheese right there!

Emme

Johnny_BravoIII wrote: »

Be careful of how high you're setting the bar here........

Date 1 - they spit the drinks.

Shouldn't that be split the drinks? Actually, they didn't. This is the OP's view of things:

First date:
He asked her out, she paid for all her drinks plus one of his, he paid his own drinks (red flag number 1)

Johnny_BravoIII wrote: »

Date 2 - he wasn't hungry.she picked up a coffee for him

If the OP is to be believed he was hungry after all, and he ate half of his date's lunch! She paid. See what the OP said below:

Second date:
He suggested to have lunch with her on their lunch break. He ordered coffee only instead and my sister ordered her lunch and he shared it with her when he was offered and of course my sister paid for everything since she doesn't like to go Dutch in this case(red flag number 2)

Johnny_BravoIII wrote: »

Date 3 - he paid for her main-course.
(who has the price of a 3-course meal these days?)

He didn't pay for her main course after, she did. According to the OP:

Third date:
He text her " I would love to take a beautiful lady out for a lovely dinner...." (fake fake) so they went for dinner. when she just sat down looking at the menu, he said " I will pay for your main course so just order whatever you fancy"(oh dear???). My sis ordered her three course meal, a bottle of wine and he had a main course. She only paid for herself this time.

Johnny_BravoIII wrote: »

Boy's don't share food unless its a survival situation.

This clearly wasn't a survival situation so:

she forgot her house keys in work that evening. I was away so he offered her to stay at his that eve, they didn't have sex (I'm so glad). In the morning, he poured the last smoothies in his glass and had his cereal for breakfast but he asked my sis if she wanted a cup of tea( too many reg flags)

Johnny_BravoIII wrote: »

pretty friendly I say

Yeah, offering your guest a cup of tea (probably made from recycled tea bags) is really friendly, especially if you're knocking back a smoothie and guzzling cornflakes. The height of chivalry and sophistication, just what you would expect from the legal elite of this country!

Johnny_BravoIII wrote: »

IMO your expectations are unreasonable and more than slightly pretentious. The guy may be broke, in negative equity, buried in bills & secretly panicking each time your sisters eyes wander down the wine menu. He may have calculated he had just about the extra €20 quid for her meal and prayed she didn't go duck!!

But ya know what, he may like your sister very much & hope he can wing it until the day he can buy her whatever she wants.

Life is not an episode of sex in the city. Every "tall, dark & handsome" man is not necessarily loaded and available for VIP partying all night.

You have your sisters head riddled. Leave her alone to make a correct judgement call as to this mans CHARACTER and as to whether it suits hers.

ps

That's some flinch-worthy cheese right there!

Manners cost nothing! The poorest people from the humblest of origins wouldn't behave like this man. If this man was from an old fashioned working class background there is no way he would be brought up to behave like this.

Maybe he had to work hard and do without to get through his studies and has a chip on his shoulder. That might explain his behaviour but any woman who gets him will have to be prepared to foot 100% of the bill 80% of the time.

cafecolour

I think everyone should pay their own way in a date (or alternate one pays one time, and the other the next time), but he's over the line in terms of general politeness. If I had any house guest - whether I was dating them or they were just a friend, I'd offer them something for breakfast if I was having anything.

My god, I recently crashed at a mates who is on the dole after a night out and he gave me friggin cereal, toast, tea, and we split a banana in the morning.

Well, to be honest, if he is used to spending a lot of time with himself, especially in the mornings, then he might have not connected the dots and realized he should have gotten her something.

So, if your sister had a problem with it, then she should say something.

Emme - I don't see why you're so hung up on the whole drinks thing.
She bought her drinks, he bought his. She bought him another drink. Why didn't he buy her one? Well, we don't know the circumstances because the OP hasn't told us. It could be just that the bar had closed and he couldn't.

As for the whole food thing - I have been that person that would go out to lunch with someone and only get a cup of tea, while they would get a meal. I might just not be feeling particularly hungry, but still wanted to come along. On numerous occasions the person I was with would offer me some of their food and on numerous occasions, I would turn this offer down, only to have the other person think me strange. So, once again - we don't know the circumstances - maybe this woman offered to share her food. Also, we don't know the circumstances behind this guy either - he offered to go out to lunch, maybe his cup of coffee is his lunch.

I just genuinely think the OP is overreacting and expecting waaaaayyy too much.

omega666

I think guys get a bit of a hard time of it when it comes to dating,
It seems unless your flashing the cash around like confetti then your a stingebag. Yet you never heard a girl being called a stingebag even when they are expecting to get everything for free.

In this case the drink things is not that bad, it's the same as going on rounds.
So she paid for one extra drink, so what!

The lunch is also acceptable seeing as he only had a coffee, you would not really expect him to pay for the whole lunch if that's all he had.

The dinner i'll admit is a bit stingebag if he really meant that he would only pay for her main course. Strike me as someone who is lacking in social manners.

All in all i think your blowing it all out of proportion.

Completely agree, omega666. To me, any girl that expects to have everything paid for her is just a freeloader.

woodchuck

Personally I think it’s mostly circumstantial evidence.

First date:
He asked her out, she paid for all her drinks plus one of his, he paid his own drinks (red flag number 1)

They paid for their own drinks. So what if she bought him one and he didn’t buy her one back. We don’t know enough about the situation at the time to comment fully. But to be honest this is just nitpicking.

Second date:
He suggested to have lunch with her on their lunch break. He ordered coffee only instead and my sister ordered her lunch and he shared it with her when he was offered and of course my sister paid for everything since she doesn't like to go Dutch in this case(red flag number 2)

He ordered coffee and she offered to pay for it. She offered him some food from her plate and he accepted. I don’t see anything wrong here either.

Third date:
He text her " I would love to take a beautiful lady out for a lovely dinner...." (fake fake) so they went for dinner. when she just sat down looking at the menu, he said " I will pay for your main course so just order whatever you fancy"(oh dear???). My sis ordered her three course meal, a bottle of wine and he had a main course. She only paid for herself this time.

This to me is the ONLY potential red flag. And even then, if someone offered to take me out to dinner and I knew they were paying, there’s no way I’d be ordering 3 courses and a bottle of wine if they were only having a main meal!! So I think there’s blame on both sides here.

she forgot her house keys in work that evening. I was away so he offered her to stay at his that eve, they didn't have sex (I'm so glad). In the morning, he poured the last smoothies in his glass and had his cereal for breakfast but he asked my sis if she wanted a cup of tea( too many reg flags)

Unmannerly, sure, but I wouldn’t say stingy. Again, we don’t know the circumstances. Maybe she said no to the cup of tea and he assumed if she didn’t want that she wouldn’t want anything else. Maybe like me his brain just isn’t fully engaged in the morning. Who knows.

If this is all you/she have to go on then I don’t think it’s much at all. If she likes him she should stick it out longer and see where it goes. I wouldn’t be breaking up with him because of the ‘evidence’ presented here.

Emme

Deleted User wrote: »

Well, to be honest, if he is used to spending a lot of time with himself, especially in the mornings, then he might have not connected the dots and realized he should have gotten her something.

I live on my own but if I have a guest, planned or unplanned, I offer them the same as what I'm having for breakfast. I'm a coffee drinker but I always offer them tea if they prefer it.

Deleted User wrote: »

Also, we don't know the circumstances behind this guy either - he offered to go out to lunch, maybe his cup of coffee is his lunch.

The OP said that this man has no problem spending a lot of money on a suit. Unless he's anorexic a cup of coffee shouldn't be his lunch. Maybe he eats a sandwich out of his desk drawer when he thinks nobody is looking.

Deleted User wrote: »

I just genuinely think the OP is overreacting and expecting waaaaayyy too much.

I don't think so. She's expecting her sister's date to show her a bit of courtesy. The point isn't that he should be treating her to expensive dinners or paying for everything, he should just consider her sister's presence and show appreciation for her company. If ye boys think that's too much then I give up.

An earlier poster said that an unemployed friend offered her breakfast when she stayed over with him. That proves my point that income, socio-economic background etc. has no bearing on manners. I would think far more of the unemployed guy than this high-flying barrister.

The guy seems to have some good and not so good qualities. Maybe he is totally unaware of it! As adults, one would expect your sister to at least talk to him about what she perceives to be his negative qualities. At best they will have a good laugh about it and he will be aware of it. At worst he will be offended and they will split up.
Either way its always best to talk about it together.

Taltos

OK - as this thread is not relating to the OPs relationship we feel more than sufficient advice has been provided at this stage.

Thread closed.