Bewildered

LegacyUser

Hi all

I have been married less than 5 yrs and my wife has decided that our marriage is over, we have 2 kids under 5.
No third party has been involved to my knowledge.
to give some background, my wife’s mother died 2.5 yrs ago and I feel that she has still not come to terms with her death, she doesn’t visit the grave anymore, there is still an item that she bought for Xmas in our house that never made it to the graveyard.
About a year ago i noticed a change in her as did her friends and family, she started to dress differently(as in better than she had done) she started to socialize more(without me)

She would be described as wearing the trousers in the relationship, she is a very strong character and like to be in control of all situations both professionally and personally.

In total we have been together 10 years and in all that time we never had an argument (true).

From time to time over the course of our relationship she would suggest that we "talk" as i am not one to ask to have a "talk”, she would explain what she feels are some issues that we would be having, as in me not supporting her enough etc. we have had a couple of these "talks" over the years and i would always try and improve and work on the items she raised.
we had our last "talk" in November and one of the items raised was me not standing up to my family when they would do something wrong(that’s a whole other story)
Anyway, an issue arose with my family 3 weeks after the talk, I took on board the discussion we had and tried to address the issue with my family, I did not do it aggressively enough at the time and acknowledge that, but, it seems to have been the straw that broke the camels back, my wife asked that we take a break from each other after Xmas.
Xmas came and went, she stayed with a friend for about 2 weeks(leaving after kids went to bed, arriving back before kids got up) while this was going on i was to find somewhere to stay, I didn’t really do anything in terms of finding somewhere as i found it very difficult to accept, I walked into the house one evening and she was looking at property to rent on the internet, she told me that she was taking the kids and moving into rented accommodation told her that the kids should not be taken from their home and that i would go there and then, I started staying with a friend a few days later.
7 weeks have now passed, I stay with my friend 2 nights a week and stay at home 2 night a week(she stays with friend the 2 nights)
She asked last night how I was feeling about things, I told her i was angry with her, that i felt homeless, that I felt uncomfortable in my own home now, this generated our first ever argument.
I told her that I didn’t think she was fighting for our marriage, I had previously suggested marriage counseling, grief counseling for her, she didn’t want either, I noticed last night that her wedding rings have been removed, I still have mine.
After I left the house last night to stay with my friend she sent me a text to say she was going to move into an apartment with the keys because I had told her that I felt angry towards her etc.I responded saying that i was only being honest with my emotions, I told her that our home is now her and the kids home and i will never take that from them, she then told me again that she was going to move out.

That kind of sums things up.
10 yrs of a relationship, less than 5 married,2 young kids, we were best friends, I have acknowledged that I probably haven’t always been there for her ,although I may not have done things right, I have never done anything wrong.
I have told her I cannot rationalize her reasons for our marriage being over neither can any of her family, my family or her friends.

Where do I go from here?

Taltos

OP - I am deleting your other thread on this.
Please don't post the same issue multiple times.

Thanks
Taltos

Lolajay

Sometimes arguing every now and again is good - I think this might be an example of why.

It sounds like your wife has some bottled up issues that for some reason she has never been able to bring up with you?

It's hard to answer this thread because I'm sure her version of events would be different but whatever is going on - it does sound as though she has made he mind up.

If I were you I would try as calmly as I could to get her to open up about

1) Why she thinks the marriage is over

2) Why she feels like it's not worth working on

3) Why she doesn't feel the need to discuss the ins and outs of this with you

I would absolutely respect her decision and let her take the full responsibility for this huge decision she is making without feeling like she has an out at any time.

I think you have a tough time ahead of you and based on your post I'm finding it hard to really understand what's going on because it seems a lot of the reasons might be in your wifes head only

LegacyUser

Her mum had an illness for over 20yrs which contributed to her death over 2 yrs,over the 20 years my wife's life revolved around her Mums as family members had to arrange holidays etc. around each other so that someone was always available.
When she died it created a huge void in my wifes life,my wife says that she has done everything for everybody all her life ans got nothing in return and it is now time for her.

she has tried to explain to some of her family and friends her reasons for the split and each of them has told me that they do not think her reasons are enough to end a marriage,she seems definite in her decision.

I am at the point now where i dont hold any hope,but i feel that myself and the kids are losing out on a future that could possibly be saved if she accepted that she may not be thinking straight,i firmly believe that it is related to unreleased grief over her Mum,she is now starting to fall out with her family about it,as they would be of my opinion
I have told her i think she is making a mistake and that she may wake up one day and realise that she has made a mistake,she told me that is just a chance she is going to have to take and possibly live with if it is true.