Make it offical or call it quits?

Taz1

My boyfriend of five years broke up with me last September. It was a huge deal for me as I was still utterly in love with him and totally did not expect it. I went out for the first time after the break up about a month later and got to know this guy. After our second our third meeting on a night out we started hooking up (kissing). My head was still all over the place at this stage and I suppose it was a bit of a rebound situation. A few short weeks after this we slept together, again my head still wasn't right but he I felt that he was good for me at the time, a distraction. Anyway, more than 5 months on and I'm facing a tricky situation. I suppose you can say I've been seeing this guy but I never wanted to confirm it as anything serious, we both came from similiar situations and neither of us wanted to go there again. Something happened with my ex that totally messed me over again and my friends all kind of abandoned me, except him. He was always there and is great. We hang out quite a lot, probably more than we should and as a result have become quite close to one another. He recently admitted that he had fallen for me and basically put it out there that he'd like us to be official, but that it was up to me. While we are so compatible (even more so than me and my ex) and I really enjoy his company and probably couldnt have gotten through the past few months without him, or the next few months, I still don't know. I regret getting involved with him so soon after the break up as I didn't really give myself a chance to experience the things I had missed by being in a 5 year relationship, and getting to know myself better. If I had have met him a few months down the line after I'd got to experience then I wouldn't be as cautious. I don't know if I'm just being subconciously cautious or what, but I really do like him and he does make me happy. The ultimatum is basically to call it quits so that I amn't dragging him along or go for it. I really don't know what to do.

P. Breathnach

Okay, you see that this involvement started in a rebound situation: it's good to be clear in your head about that. Five months on, and the relationship has developed, and it looks as if you have only good things to say about him and how you feel about him. I get the impression that you have cleared your head of the emotional baggage associated with your ex, but you need to reflect on that.

So what's the problem? That you didn't have a period when you were unattached. To do what? You mention experiencing the things you missed by being in a 5 year relationship, and getting to know yourself better. That's a bit woolly. If you really feel that having missed out on these things is important, then you are not ready to commit.

On the other hand, it looks to me as if this man has become the most important other in your life. If that is true, what's wrong with making it "official"?

Taz1

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Okay, you see that this involvement started in a rebound situation: it's good to be clear in your head about that. Five months on, and the relationship has developed, and it looks as if you have only good things to say about him and how you feel about him. I get the impression that you have cleared your head of the emotional baggage associated with your ex, but you need to reflect on that.

So what's the problem? That you didn't have a period when you were unattached. To do what? You mention experiencing the things you missed by being in a 5 year relationship, and getting to know yourself better. That's a bit woolly. If you really feel that having missed out on these things is important, then you are not ready to commit.

On the other hand, it looks to me as if this man has become the most important other in your life. If that is true, what's wrong with making it "official"?

To be honest I still don't think I'm fully over my ex but I suppose thats probably to be expected after such a long relationship. I do feel that I'm definitely getting there though.

I'm just a bit worried about the fact that I seem to be jumping from one serious relationship to what Im thinking (judging by the type of person this new guy is) will be another. Could I tell him that we need to take things slow or would that just be falling on deaf ears if he's already 'fallen for me'. I did experience the single life for about a month after the break up and while it was exciting I think I'm too much of an affectionate person to see it being for me for too long, probably another reason why I latched onto this guy the way I did.
He does make me happy and we do really enjoy spending tome together.
A piece of me doesn't want to hurt him by saying no either, because I've gotten to know that this has been all to familiar a situation in his life, and he told me not to make a desicion just because I feel sorry for him, which wrongly, is influencing me the tiniest bit.

Sleepy

It sounds to me like the problem isn't him, it's the lack of other things/friends in your life than him.

How about taking up a new hobby or dedicating a couple of nights a week to an old one that you let slide? Maybe try and rekindle some of your old friendships a little and see how you feel about things then?

Taz1

Sleepy wrote: »

It sounds to me like the problem isn't him, it's the lack of other things/friends in your life than him.

How about taking up a new hobby or dedicating a couple of nights a week to an old one that you let slide? Maybe try and rekindle some of your old friendships a little and see how you feel about things then?

I don't really have time to dedicate to other things/people at the moment as its my final year in college and I've a mountain of work to get through.
Seeing him at my discretion rather than dedicating myself to doing things with my friends actually suits my busy lifestyle at the moment but I do still see what you're saying.

I am a friend

I really dont get why you are allowing your ex continue to have such a hold on you... He is still impacitng on your day to day life i.e. this relationship... Time to move on and grab happiness by the goolies..

Taz1

I am a friend wrote: »

I really dont get why you are allowing your ex continue to have such a hold on you... He is still impacitng on your day to day life i.e. this relationship... Time to move on and grab happiness by the goolies..

He's not impacting this relationship?

I am a friend

Taz1 wrote: »

To be honest I still don't think I'm fully over my ex

Really - he is not affecting your relationship?????

Taz1

I am a friend wrote: »

Really - he is not affecting your relationship?????

I meant that as in I still wonder what he's doing and who he's with (thats why i said 'not fully' over him ) but it doesn't really bother me seeing him with other girls anymore. The only way that I could see him as affecting this relationship is that the amount of time I committed to him has put me off wanting to commit myself like that again.