Am lonely to the core

LegacyUser

I am lonely. I am so so lonely it is eating me up inside.
Am single almost 3 years, mid-30s. I just cannot meet anyone. To look at me from the outside, you'd think the complete opposite, well-groomed, pretty, good job, car, money, always out and about, good fun, lots of hobbies. Am lonely to the core of my being. Am actually getting really bad anxiety on almost a daily basis. I pray to God and ask him why he lets other people have happy relationships and family, but not me. Ive tried. I actually am starting to get a weird or strange or warped perception of myself. There must be something wrong with me. I tried internet dating and it was a disaster. Am ready to meet someone, but its just not happening. I have so much love to give.

Miss Fluff

You poor thing, your post is so sad It sounds like you are losing hope and you simply can't do that as losing hope is like giving up and you'll miss out on opportunities if you don't feel you still have the potential to meet that someone special.

And it has nothing to do with you as a person, you're not defined by your relationship status and people who are lucky enough to meet someone are just that - LUCKY! It's all about being in the right place at the right time if you ask me.

What steps are you currently taking in order to meet someone?

Sound Bite

OP there must be something wrong with me too so!

Seriously though, I'm in my 30s and single too. Yes, it probably would be nicer to have someone to share things with but its not the most important thing in the world.

Surround yourself with good friends, talk up some hobbies, plan days out or holidays so it eases the loneliness and gives you something to look forward to. It will also allow you meet more people.

Also, ask friends to set you up with someone. I've had 3/4 dates that way. Nothing much came of any of them apart from a good friendship with one of the guys.

ihsb

You cannot look to meet a significant other to make you feel less lonely. It is something that you have to do for yourself.

You suffer from anxiety, so I would suggest getting help for that. Maybe go to counselling. They can help you deal with those panicked feelings, and things in turn should improve for you. It is all about having someone to talk and vent to. This should maybe help you with the feeling of loneliness too.

Try to talk to your family and maybe your closest friends about how you feel too. You would be surprised by how many people feel like this.

I this helps OP. It sucks!

snafuk35

I am lonely. I am so so lonely it is eating me up inside.

Don't let it eat you then. Do something about it!

Am single almost 3 years, mid-30s.

So what? You are a young woman.

I just cannot meet anyone.

Do you live on a desert island? Aren't there men everywhere you go? If you see a man you like then go over and get talking to him?

To look at me from the outside, you'd think the complete opposite, well-groomed, pretty, good job, car, money, always out and about, good fun, lots of hobbies.

But are you any fun? Do you know what sexy is? Do you act sexy? Do you flirt? You make men know you want them?

Am lonely to the core of my being.

Boo hoo! So is everyone!

Am actually getting really bad anxiety on almost a daily basis.

People don't want to be around an anxious person so stop it.

I pray to God and ask him why he lets other people have happy relationships and family, but not me.

God doesn't exist. You think mumbo jumbo magic is just going miracle a man into your life? There are no such thing as happy relationships or families either. They are always in crisis. Far away fields are green and all that.

Ive tried.

Keep trying!

I actually am starting to get a weird or strange or warped perception of myself.

Men notice that. So stop thinking like that.

There must be something wrong with me.

You just think there is and people notice what you think by the way you behave and they avoid you.

I tried internet dating and it was a disaster.

Internet dating is always a disaster. Avoid it like the plague.

Am ready to meet someone, but its just not happening.

It's not a mathematic calculation.

I have so much love to give.

The universe doesn't owe you anything.

moe_sizlak

snafuk35 wrote: »

Don't let it eat you then. Do something about it!



So what? You are a young woman.



Do you live on a desert island? Aren't there men everywhere you go? If you see a man you like then go over and get talking to him?



But are you any fun? Do you know what sexy is? Do you act sexy? Do you flirt? You make men know you want them?



Boo hoo! So is everyone!



People don't want to be around an anxious person so stop it.



God doesn't exist. You think mumbo jumbo magic is just going miracle a man into your life? There are no such thing as happy relationships or families either. They are always in crisis. Far away fields are green and all that.



Keep trying!



Men notice that. So stop thinking like that.



You just think there is and people notice what you think by the way you behave and they avoid you.



Internet dating is always a disaster. Avoid it like the plague.



It's not a mathematic calculation.



The universe doesn't owe you anything.

thats just about the most unhelpfull multi quote reply ive ever read on this site , each reply more sarcastic than the one preceding it

ihsb

snafuk35 wrote: »

People don't want to be around an anxious person so stop it.

I disagree with almost everything that you have said. People cannot help being anxious. You cannot just "stop it". It is something you need help with to get over.

But are you any fun? Do you know what sexy is? Do you act sexy? Do you flirt? You make men know you want them?

Seriously?

God doesn't exist. You think mumbo jumbo magic is just going miracle a man into your life? There are no such thing as happy relationships or families either. They are always in crisis. Far away fields are green and all that.

Who are you to say what the OP should and shouldn't believe in?

Internet dating is always a disaster. Avoid it like the plague.

You just have to look at a lot of threads on boards to see that internet dating is not a disaster.

I just do not believe that you have anyones best interests at heart in this post.

gypsy_rose

snafuk35 wrote: »

Don't let it eat you then. Do something about it!



So what? You are a young woman.



Do you live on a desert island? Aren't there men everywhere you go? If you see a man you like then go over and get talking to him?



But are you any fun? Do you know what sexy is? Do you act sexy? Do you flirt? You make men know you want them?



Boo hoo! So is everyone!



People don't want to be around an anxious person so stop it.



God doesn't exist. You think mumbo jumbo magic is just going miracle a man into your life? There are no such thing as happy relationships or families either. They are always in crisis. Far away fields are green and all that.



Keep trying!



Men notice that. So stop thinking like that.



You just think there is and people notice what you think by the way you behave and they avoid you.



Internet dating is always a disaster. Avoid it like the plague.



It's not a mathematic calculation.



The universe doesn't owe you anything.

That is really mean and unhelpful, there's no need to sneer, how would you like if you were upset and someone just laughed at you and told you to suck it up?


It's OK, OP, it'll come, like Miss Fluff said, it's luck, and also being in the right place at the right time. Everyone freaks out about being single at some point, hell, no wonder Sex and the City was so popular! It sounds to me like you're doing a lot right, you keep yourself looking well, you have a job and friends and you socialise. In my opinion the best thing to do it is to try and meet new friends all the time, statistically this gives you better chance of meeting someone you click with. I haven't used it myself, but this website http://www.meetup.com/cities/ie/dublin/ seems to be good, (I apologise if you're not in Dublin, I think it works for other parts of Ireland too.)
Most importantly, don't give up hope! Everyone has good and bad days, I feel ****ty today but I know it'll pass and I'll be content again in the next few days. Don't let it get you down too much and don't freak out, just do things that are fun for you and don't be so hard for on yourself, it'll be OK

Beetlebum

I agree that reply was very unhelpful.

I understand how you feel OP. I'm single too and go through phases where it doesn't bother me one bit, in fact I often love being free and not tied down to anyone. However there are other times when I feel just like you do and it's a horrible feeling.

Being in a bad relationship is even lonelier then being on your own though which is why I'm picky about who I choose to let into my life. I think the key is to have patience and faith. Worrying about being alone will only make you feel anxious. You will then project those anxious feelings and people can pick up on them.

Learn to love yourself again. Think about your top ten attractive traits and focus on these instead of the warped negative ones. You deserve to be loved and you say you have alot of love to give - well start by giving it to yourself!

Are you a good listener for example, or a really great friend/ Are you funny, intelligent, kind? if so commend yourself for this and try to build up your confidence.

Life is precious and beautiful. Appreciate that with or without a man in your life. Trust that one day he'll come along and when he does you'll wish you hadn't wasted so much time freeting over it.

Now if i could only take my own advice:)

Overheal

lonelytothecore wrote: »

To look at me from the outside, you'd think the complete opposite, well-groomed, pretty, good job, car, money, always out and about, good fun, lots of hobbies.

Serious question: are you doing all of that because it's what you want, or because you think it will help you find someone? What I mean by that is do you sometimes obsess about your looks, your car, your career, do you select your hobbies etc. just as means to impress other people or anything like that? Most important thing is to do things for you. Do things that make YOU happy.

I am a friend

lonelytothecore wrote: »

I am lonely. I am so so lonely it is eating me up inside.
Am single almost 3 years, mid-30s. I just cannot meet anyone. To look at me from the outside, you'd think the complete opposite, well-groomed, pretty, good job, car, money, always out and about, good fun, lots of hobbies. Am lonely to the core of my being. Am actually getting really bad anxiety on almost a daily basis. I pray to God and ask him why he lets other people have happy relationships and family, but not me. Ive tried. I actually am starting to get a weird or strange or warped perception of myself. There must be something wrong with me. I tried internet dating and it was a disaster. Am ready to meet someone, but its just not happening. I have so much love to give.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I have lots of fab friends who are single and find it hard to meet guys.

I was single for a long time in my 30's and did wonder what was wrong with me... Have you tried a dating agency (internet dating can be hard going) or taken up any passtimes?

the sad part is there are no guarantees anyone will meet someone and then on top of that there are no guarantees it will work out so the only thing we can do is make the most of the stage of life we are at.

Do something proactive about it and it will help. Also talk to a friend about your concerns - there are many people in the same boat and there is nothing wrong with most of them.

daisybelle2008

lonelytothecore wrote: »

I am so so lonely it is eating me up inside.
I actually am starting to get a weird or strange or warped perception of myself. There must be something wrong with me.
I have so much love to give.

Ok, if you have so much love to give, why not give some of if to yourself first? You are really not ready for a healthy relationship if you don't love and value yourself first and foremost.
The anxiety and warped perception are all signs that you need to sort your self out now. A relationship is not going to do that for you. Happiness is an inside job.
The fact you believe a relationship will fix your lonliness means you will put too much pressure, expectation on a relationship and your insecurity will allow you to put up with sh*t.
If you cannot be happy with yourself first and foremost, how do you expect someone to be happy with you. Is there job going to be to
A healthy relationship is an enhancement to your life, not a crutch to stave off lonliness. It should be something you can do with or without and stick in only if it is healthy, fulfilling and enjoyable.
Look at ways to enjoy your life just for yourself, for your own contentment. It is freeing and empowering to know that you can be happy regardless of what your relationship status is, or what life throws at you.
You are not seeing the wood for the trees, you have a lot of positive things in your life that you are not enjoying or appreciating.
You are already depending on a relationship to make you happy and you are not even in one! Can you see the insanity of that?
Be happy with yourself first and then you will attract a healthy relationship, it never works the other way round.

Lolajay

I might be able to make you feel a bit better....

I'm 30 - I spent years in a very consuming relationship, it wasn't a great relationship but certainly took up all my time analysing and justifying and crying. I'm not really sociable but I have 3 best friends since I was a teenager.

One of them moved to Canada just before my relationship broke up, another got in to her own serious relationship and disappeared and then a year later another friend joined the first in Canada AND my relationship broke up.

I only had one friend left in the country who was always busy with her new boyfriend and I thought I was going to die of lonliness, I was calling over to my parents all the time because I genuinely felt like I had nobody else and I had never made the effort to make friends because I always felt like I had my core group and I didn't need too. So that was about 18 months ago.

I moved to a new house (as me and my ex had been living together) with new people who I clicked with straight away. I enjoy running so I joined a running club, I like animals so I volunteered in the DSPCA and - when I really felt like life was almost complete I went online and found a really great guy.

I think you just need to make a decision NOT to allow yourself to be lonely, and I agree with some of the previous posts - a man will not fill any void you have - you have to be content in your own life and then you will make a much healthier relationship.

Anyway, I know loneliness sucks but it really is a state of mind

Good luck x

moe_sizlak

Overheal wrote: »

Serious question: are you doing all of that because it's what you want, or because you think it will help you find someone? What I mean by that is do you sometimes obsess about your looks, your car, your career, do you select your hobbies etc. just as means to impress other people or anything like that? Most important thing is to do things for you. Do things that make YOU happy.

car , career , looking well , hobbies , theese are pretty standard wants which most people strive for and usually enjoy , i doubt what she has is what has her unhappy , its what she doesnt have that is getting her down , their is no great mystery here

Johnny_BravoIII

I moved to a new house (as me and my ex had been living together) with new people who I clicked with straight away. I enjoy running so I joined a running club, I like animals so I volunteered in the DSPCA and - when I really felt like life was almost complete I went online and found a really great guy.

2nd this

dodderangler

snafuk35 wrote: »

I am lonely. I am so so lonely it is eating me up inside.

Don't let it eat you then. Do something about it!

Am single almost 3 years, mid-30s.

So what? You are a young woman.

I just cannot meet anyone.

Do you live on a desert island? Aren't there men everywhere you go? If you see a man you like then go over and get talking to him?

To look at me from the outside, you'd think the complete opposite, well-groomed, pretty, good job, car, money, always out and about, good fun, lots of hobbies.

But are you any fun? Do you know what sexy is? Do you act sexy? Do you flirt? You make men know you want them?

Am lonely to the core of my being.

Boo hoo! So is everyone!

Am actually getting really bad anxiety on almost a daily basis.

People don't want to be around an anxious person so stop it.

I pray to God and ask him why he lets other people have happy relationships and family, but not me.

God doesn't exist. You think mumbo jumbo magic is just going miracle a man into your life? There are no such thing as happy relationships or families either. They are always in crisis. Far away fields are green and all that.

Ive tried.

Keep trying!

I actually am starting to get a weird or strange or warped perception of myself.

Men notice that. So stop thinking like that.

There must be something wrong with me.

You just think there is and people notice what you think by the way you behave and they avoid you.

I tried internet dating and it was a disaster.

Internet dating is always a disaster. Avoid it like the plague.

Am ready to meet someone, but its just not happening.

It's not a mathematic calculation.

I have so much love to give.

The universe doesn't owe you anything.

That has to be the worst post I've ever seen ever
Look ignore this clown who posted that and keep your chin up something will pop up just don't rush it
And relax is the main thing don't worry or stress
Dunno if any other blokes can tell but I can tell when a woman is stressed out or worried it doesn't show confidence and that's what a bloke wants to see in a woman
Chin up and atb

LegacyUser

The understanding here has been great.
I was only describing myself from the outside-as in if anyone saw me, they wouldnt be thinking that girl has issues. No one can see me in the inside except me.

I have had a few relationships over the years, longest was about 4 years, but I was not happy in it. I could have done the marriage and babies thing then, but I chose not to. I wasnt ready and it did not feel right. I always thought I would know when it was right or if the right person came along, but they havent. More recently I met someone I really liked in so many ways, but he mucked me about and I didnt deal with it very well (became a bit clingy-something I didnt even know I could do). I think I have some personal issues-I would be a deep thinker and quite an anxious person. I can be quite introverted at times, but usually outgoing.

I go out (pubs etc), I do do activities (someone commented recently I have my fingers in many pots-that how many activites I am involved in). I am on committees, I have a high performance job, I get on with everyone at work. I do these things to make myself happy as I enjoy them moreso than to meet someone, but regardless I never meet anyone.

If I do attract guys, they are usually wrong for me, but sometimes Ill try make it work. Or maybe I think they need my "help" and things like that. Maybe that is linked back to self-esteem.

Its just that over the years, it has become harder to meet decent guys, and I also feel a bit lost, terribly lonely, and a bit lost as to who I am. So I put all this pressure on myself. Most of my friends are married or settled or kids, and while it is something I think I would like, I dont envy them, I just miss the way it used to be. Everyones lives seem to be moving on, yet mine seems stuck. I know a guy isnt the solution to all my problems, but it sure would be nice to meet someone who I could trust and love. Also i think people take for granted with partners as you can use them for a social crutch, where as I have to try that bit harder all the time, ALL the time to have a sembelance of a social life. Am just tired of it all. In my 20s I was so carefree and fun and everything I want to return to. In my 30s my mindset changed and all I seem to have become is a sufferer. I dont look forward to things like I used to. I could be standing on everest and Id still have this sad feeling in the background. Like a shadow behind me. Sure this cant be normal.

One thing I did do today for myself was I decided I want to try a councellor. I rang and made an appointment. I was terrified (such a stigma isnt there), but I did it. I dont really know what they can do for me or how they can help me, but my mind wont switch off at this stage and I need some respite. I have to wait a month, but i figure what is another month in a sad life.

ihsb

lonelytothecore wrote: »

One thing I did do today for myself was I decided I want to try a councellor. I rang and made an appointment. I was terrified (such a stigma isnt there), but I did it. I dont really know what they can do for me or how they can help me, but my mind wont switch off at this stage and I need some respite. I have to wait a month, but i figure what is another month in a sad life.

Good for you! Honestly, once you have found a counsellor that works for you it will help quite a lot. I wish you all the luck OP!

rainbows7

I just want to send you some big warm (((((hugs)))).
Believe that all you need will happen and if not it's okay, it was meant to be.
Love yourself, believe in yourself more, be kind to yourself.
Easier said than done, but try not to look for a man, as that's when you'll meet him.
Hope you're okay. You are not alone.
Most important thing is, you've got the gift of life, best gift of all. And your health.
May your angel help keep you smiling

johnr1

Extreme loneliness is absolutely horrible and debilitating, when you add in fear of getting older and not having a partner and family in your life, if thats what you want, it becomes almost unbearable. The friendships and relationships you have in your life seem somehow not enough, and smaller.
I've been there, in my thirties, and it's just awful.
The things I found helped were what others suggested, joining in hobbies I liked, - meeting new people, even if they weren't potentials, they validated the fact that I was an ok guy, their surprise that I wasn't attached helped me believe that someone I wanted to be with would, sooner or later.

I have great admiration for people who are truly happy while single and living alone, but it's not a state that suits everyone, or that everyone can be happy in.
I see and agree with the point that someone else cannot make you happy alone, but the worldwide obsession with dating and meeting partners is evidence that there are a huge number of us for whom having a partner we love and who loves us, is one of the most important things in life.

For me, online dating eventually worked, after copious amounts of rejection and numerous dates where one or other of us had no interest. It happened just as I had decided to delete my profile for the last time. Almost missed her. :eek:

Keep the faith, and do everything to meet new people, when someone who is running in the same direction as you appears, and whom you like, it'll be very easy to fall into step.

In the meantime, keep busy with new people and interesting experiences, it's what we all try to do till more important stuff arrives to fill that time.

daisybelle2008

It is not that it is hard to meet a decent guy. There are plenty of them. But they generally don't want to be with someone who is using them to feel better about themselves, who needs them to change or wants to help them, who can't accept their needs and clings to them when it is not going well and does not accept their choices. That is not flattering to them or healthy.

Decent, well adjusted guys (and girls) want to be with people who like themselves, why would they want to be with someone with low self-esteem?

You first and foremost need to trust and love yourself. In fact that is all you have to do. When that happens you attract the right relationship because you are not using someone else to fill the void in your self esteem.

You are basically looking for someone else to love you and to prove to you you are worthy of love. Love yourself enough that you don't need anyone outside yourself to prove it to you.

When you say you are terrified of going to the counsellor because of the stigma. Remember, you are doing this for you, seriously stigma or what others think, should not even be the slightest consideration. Care less about what people think and more about how you feel about yourself.