Long term relationship over

LegacyUser

I've often read the posts here and now I find myself needing to post my own experience. This will be somewhat long, and vague in parts.

I have just broken up with my soulmate. That sounds so naïve and adolescent but please believe me, this man was my soulmate and I his. We had a very long term relationship which was absolutely wonderful in every way, that is up until last year when over a period of weeks he changed into a completely different person. It was depression and he eventually went to counseling for it. It was crushing to see him like this but more so that he cut me out so completely and quite horribly.

He had a quite stressful job and his family life had been troubled and was escalating unbeknownst to me. At the time we had been also planning to move country. It was my first reaction that maybe he was having doubts about the relationship and moving away. This was one of the first things I asked him when it all started. He said it wasn’t anything to do with me or us but he was unhappy in himself. This sounds self centered but I can’t differentiate being unhappy in yourself and this having nothing to do with your partner. Anyway we said we would try and work on it together but within 2 months he was saying he couldn’t move and wanted to move out of our place and be on his own.

We toed and froed over whether it was a break or break up. My bottom line was that we could have a break but there was no seeing other people, he said he didn’t intend on it but couldn’t guarantee what he would do if placed in that situation. Alarm bells ringing we went our separate ways and I decided to carry on with my plans to move. This was the hardest thing I have ever done. I would have stayed and did anything to help him through this but he made it clear he didn’t want my help.

Time went on, we were still talking and getting on well, really well. Two months ago he said he would like to come to this new country and see if we could try again. I wanted this too but we were aware how cautious and slow we would have to be in this. Neither of us had been involved with anyone else over the time apart.

Roll on this weekend, I suspected something was up as the last few weeks he hadn’t been answering my emails. He slept with someone about three weeks ago and had been working up the courage to tell me.

Devastation doesn’t come close. Yes we are in different countries and not technically together but we had been getting on so well, and I can’t understand how he could do this after we had a conversation basically agreeing to try and work things out. I’m not doing it justice but we had come through so much only to be felled at the last minute. I desperately need to know why and he can’t answer it, only to say he felt so lonely. So have I, and I have had the same opportunities, I just felt the potential to save our relationship outweighed a one night stand. I mean years gone, for someone who meant nothing to him. I guess women and men view sex differently, I cannot separate the emotional connection and the sense of betrayal I feel.

He was in tears telling me, he just sat there apologising and saying he knew this was the end and I would never forgive him. He didn't even beg/fight/try save us. I don't even know which I want, if at all, I just can't understand how he can just accept it.

I’m lost. If you truly love someone how could you hurt them like this, why would you throw away such an amazing thing. I don’t know what I’m looking for from this post - a chance to vent, advice, I don’t know.

I just feel this crushing sense of loss and rage at the same time, like all the colour has faded from the world. To put a melodramatic end to my rant, the below sums up so much how I feel.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

ihsb

I have always been of the opinion, that if you are meant to be with someone and they are your soulmate, then they wouldn't treat you badly. Whether you are still in a relationship with them or not.

Personally I feel the same as you. I cannot separate the physical from the emotional so I would feel just as betrayed as you. My ex treated me similar, always keeping me on the back burner for whenever he broke up with his latest squeeze for emotional (and physical) support. You don't want to be put in this situation. He will tell you what he knows will work to get you where he wants you. He might not even realise he is doing it, but it will hurt you.

You have to ask yourself two things. How would he have reacted if you were the one that had had sex with someone else? If he would have gone mental and that would have been it, over between you, then you have your answer.

And secondly. If you were to give him another chance, will you ever be able to get over it and get that picture out of your head?

Angeles

I'm sorry to hear that OP and I'm sure you are absolutely devastated.
There are a couple of things i think a person needs to see under your specific circumstances to resolve and get through this, because by your post you are already making this 10 times harder on yourself then it should be.

You claim your man is your soulmate, would i be right in saying "That because you believe in this, you also strongly believe there so that no other man in the world could ever match this man and that you will never find another to make you as happy and that your world without him is forever ended."

This is generally the meaning of soulmate to my understanding, so when someone says they are my soulmate, it immediately puts an invisible protective barrier up to say, nothing can ever go wrong and i can relax and be happy for the rest of my life with the man/woman of my dreams.

The negative and strong effects of believing this are when of course something does happen, This belief can be strong enough to shatter your entire world and hit you hard enough that you can never be happy without your soulmate and you would be willing to do anything to make sure it remains.

Now while that may or may not be the truth in you eye's, I believe you really need to look at your partner as the man you fell in love with and take soulmate out of the equation, look back and realize that this man over the course of time has made his own priority's very very clear.

He did not want to share important parts of his life with you
He did not want to move with you
He eventually wanted a break, to break up point
He then went and slept with someone else
He is now emotionally blackmailing you because he has now felt the sting of being alone again.

I'm sorry to say this darling, but this guy is/has being taking you for a ride over the last year.
I think its time to put some priority's into perspective and cut him out, just know that your heart will mend in time and that you deserve someone who will not only stand by you, but also work together through life decisions like moving and at the very most will treat you right.

Best of luck op.

Miss Fluff

crushed wrote: »

He was in tears telling me, he just sat there apologising and saying he knew this was the end and I would never forgive him. He didn't even beg/fight/try save us. I don't even know which I want, if at all, I just can't understand how he can just accept it.

OK hon, I'm going to try and be as gentle as possible here as you're evidently in pain about this but it's quite obvious this man has been trying to extricate himself for some time now and you haven't been able to accept it at all. Would you say that's the case? That's what I'm getting from my reading of it all so it seems like the above was his attempt to finally end it rather than talk of breaks and the going around in circles etc etc. You have been getting on well but seems like you interpreted this new status quo in an entirely different manner to him. Sounds like he bailed out of this relationship a long time ago and it's only dawning on you now.

Have you got good friends around you? If so surround yourself with them and talk through it. A cliche I know but time is a great healer, you'll realise in time that he isn't/wasn't your soulmate.

I am a friend

crushed wrote: »

IMy bottom line was that we could have a break but there was no seeing other people, he said he didn’t intend on it but couldn’t guarantee what he would do if placed in that situation.

This was a hint of what was to come and on the basis of his actions and the above statement, I am not surprised he slept with someone.

OP, I am sorry but his tears are not genuine as this was in his mind all along... You have had a lucky escape here as he was leading you on. If you truly love someone you dont sleep with someone else, mess them around and ask to be on a break!!!

enceladus1

crushed wrote: »

I've often read the posts here and now I find myself needing to post my own experience. This will be somewhat long, and vague in parts.

I have just broken up with my soulmate. That sounds so naïve and adolescent but please believe me, this man was my soulmate and I his. We had a very long term relationship which was absolutely wonderful in every way, that is up until last year when over a period of weeks he changed into a completely different person. It was depression and he eventually went to counseling for it. It was crushing to see him like this but more so that he cut me out so completely and quite horribly.

He had a quite stressful job and his family life had been troubled and was escalating unbeknownst to me. At the time we had been also planning to move country. It was my first reaction that maybe he was having doubts about the relationship and moving away. This was one of the first things I asked him when it all started. He said it wasn’t anything to do with me or us but he was unhappy in himself. This sounds self centered but I can’t differentiate being unhappy in yourself and this having nothing to do with your partner. Anyway we said we would try and work on it together but within 2 months he was saying he couldn’t move and wanted to move out of our place and be on his own.

We toed and froed over whether it was a break or break up. My bottom line was that we could have a break but there was no seeing other people, he said he didn’t intend on it but couldn’t guarantee what he would do if placed in that situation. Alarm bells ringing we went our separate ways and I decided to carry on with my plans to move. This was the hardest thing I have ever done. I would have stayed and did anything to help him through this but he made it clear he didn’t want my help.

Time went on, we were still talking and getting on well, really well. Two months ago he said he would like to come to this new country and see if we could try again. I wanted this too but we were aware how cautious and slow we would have to be in this. Neither of us had been involved with anyone else over the time apart.

Roll on this weekend, I suspected something was up as the last few weeks he hadn’t been answering my emails. He slept with someone about three weeks ago and had been working up the courage to tell me.

Devastation doesn’t come close. Yes we are in different countries and not technically together but we had been getting on so well, and I can’t understand how he could do this after we had a conversation basically agreeing to try and work things out. I’m not doing it justice but we had come through so much only to be felled at the last minute. I desperately need to know why and he can’t answer it, only to say he felt so lonely. So have I, and I have had the same opportunities, I just felt the potential to save our relationship outweighed a one night stand. I mean years gone, for someone who meant nothing to him. I guess women and men view sex differently, I cannot separate the emotional connection and the sense of betrayal I feel.

He was in tears telling me, he just sat there apologising and saying he knew this was the end and I would never forgive him. He didn't even beg/fight/try save us. I don't even know which I want, if at all, I just can't understand how he can just accept it.

I’m lost. If you truly love someone how could you hurt them like this, why would you throw away such an amazing thing. I don’t know what I’m looking for from this post - a chance to vent, advice, I don’t know.

I just feel this crushing sense of loss and rage at the same time, like all the colour has faded from the world. To put a melodramatic end to my rant, the below sums up so much how I feel.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

i know how it feels to lose yur soul mate and i honestly dont kno what to say im still in bits all the time 5 months on and no one else wud compare there is no way i cud just get wit another person but i think girls must grieve differently ,, everyone tells me get over it and there is no way to do that if yu believe he is yur soul mate then maybe yu cud forgive him ? i kno i cudnt if i knew my ex had done that to me that sense of betrayal would ruin everything just becaus i kno how much loss i feel all day everyday and to think maybe while i was in bed alone again he was out sleeping wit some one else i just cant imagine it but if yu do believe he is yur soul mate then mayb over time yu wud forgive him ? if yu truely believe he was the one yu were ment to spend yur life with should yu really let a one night stand ruin yur future yu had planned wit this person ? i feel sick for yu i cant imagine what yu feel becaus i hardly feel like i cud ever feel worse than i do now , my doctor and counseller have sed im in extreme grief and sed im dealing wit the loss of my ex as if he has dies as he refuses to talk to me it kills me because its all my fault and i really have done everything i can to change that i hurt him but i had terrible family issues that made me the crazy insecure person i was and i cut contact wit my family lived alone for months spent christmas alone crying ... he tells me to move on that we may or may not be together but all i can do is wait .. i hate my family for ruining everything but i have made it through it this far as **** as life is things have to get better in my life sooner or later . at the end of the day yu are the same ... yu have been thru **** and things have to get better .. things will never be over unless yu decide they are if he was ment to be in yur life forever then its up to yu if wat he had done is something yu can forgive . if not then maybe a change of scenery might do yu good im moving country also as i cannot bear living here with out my family or him so bring on the sunshine and a new life at least for the summer.. but i believe in soul mates and there is reason yu completly believe as i do that they are yur soul mate .. if yu made a **** up like he did maybe in a drunken miserable state im sure yu wud do anything for him not to write yu off forever ?????? i will be in a relationship wid my hot water bottle haha i hope yu feel better and think hard about forgiving him .. im sure he hates himself as much as yu hate him or feel betrayed !!

Taltos

enceladus1 - welcome to PI/RI.

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Thanks
Taltos

daisybelle2008

It looks to me like you were way more dependent and invested in this relationship than was healthy for you (or him). You have a big expectation of how he 'should' behave in the relationship (and even an expectation of how he should behave when ye are not together). He clearly cannot and does not want to behave the way you need him to. The fact he was not sharing with you about work stress and family trouble, means there was already a communication gap.

Your post is full of expectations you put on him that he cannot live up to. You don't seem to accept him for who he is, rather who you think he should be for you to be happy.

You are romanticising how your relationship was a long time a ago and how he should beg/fight and try to save it. Just take a step back and just let him be who he needs to be.
You maybe need to understand and accept that your relationship is not as important to him as it is to you. That is no-ones fault. He has it made that clear through words and actions, your lack of acceptance of this is what is causing you pain.

You are acting very needy and dependent and have convinced yourself of some romanticised soul mate thing with a guy who clearly needs some space and freedom from the weight of your expectation.

People on here will tell you that he is an assh*le stringing you along etc. etc.… No one can 'string' you along, unless you grab the strings for dear life and refuse to let go regardless of how bad things are going.

Things will change dramatically when you don't hold him responsible for your happiness. It is very empowering to do that.