Mother coming back from rehab, don't know how to react

LegacyUser

My Mam has been in rehab for the past month or so and will be coming home at the end of April. The last two years she has been drinking and has done stints in rehab before.

I haven't had any contact with her since she went in and I know she will drink again (I know that sounds negative, but it's true) as she has a lot of mental issues as well as alcoholism.

She has no friends/hobbies. She is constantly in the house. She listens in on conversations, roots in our bedrooms...we are basically her life. My sibling and I will be done college at the beginning of June so it will be back to living full time at home.

I don't know how to deal with this. I can't believe I'm leaving student accomodation and will have to live back at home. It isn't until June but I think about it so much now...I just wish she was out of my life and wouldn't live at home anymore. I don't want her as a mother. She only brings me hardship and grief.

I know this might make me sound horrible, like the unsupportive child but we have gone through this so much, I no longer have any hope or respect for her. She doesn't try to help herself and constantly lies.

I don't know how to deal with her being home soon. I'm dreading it so much. Just the thought of summer with her constant presence and nowhere to escape to, leaves me feeling sick.

Thanks for reading and sorry for the long post.

username123

Dont beat yourself up, the way you are feeling is only to be expected.

She might drink again, she might not, either way its not your issue or your responsibility - its hers.

Why do you and your sibling have to go back home after college? Why dont you travel for the summer and work in a different country?

You dont sound horrible btw, you just sound worn out and disgusted by it all, which is a normal way to be feeling. Its worse when you hear people feeling over optimistic or worse, in denial themselves about what theyve gone through.

Are you going to Alanon yourself? If youre not you should be. It will help you address and deal with these negative feelings you have - understandable feelings of course, but any negative feeling can eat away at you inside and cause issues.

Try not to be too hard on your mother, mental issues, alcoholism etc... Im sure she doesnt want to be this way, Im sure if you went back in time and talked to her when she was young she would be horrified to know she would turn out this way. Who would want to be like that? And the fact that she goes to rehab - she must want to change, she just isnt able to. Alcoholism is a very very strong addiction. My own father never even tried rehab, he just kept on drinking despite losing everything in his life.

If you cant get away for the summer you need to do your best to find work so you are not at home all the time.

up for anything

If you have no other option but to live at home again why don't you try helping her to find a life of her own again. It's very easy to settle into a rut and then try to make that rut bearable with alcohol. It can't be very easy for her to be sober and to know the level of chaos that she has caused and I doubt she is blind to the fact that you, her child, wants nothing to do with her. The constant lying and inability to help herself are probably a product of her disease and not the woman she actually once was.

Do simple things, go out walking with her, knitting, crosswords, jigsaw puzzles, see is there something that you can join together - what was she like before she started drinking - if that is something you don't remember, ask people that do remember - was there something she enjoyed doing but that she might be too embarrassed to try again on her own. Go with her. It could be that if you put your energies into helping her start a new life that she could do it this time. She could have more in her life than just poking around in your and your sibling's lives which would free you up and offer you a measure of relief and you might even be able to start rebuilding your relationship with her.

To be honest, if I had a drink problem there is probably nothing that would send me back to drinking than having to live with ill concealed resentment and dislike and trying to bear the guilt that it was all my own fault.

EGAR

Watching a loved one turn into a lying alcoholic is soul destroying and it is especially hard for children of alcoholics. I can well understand where you are coming from, OP, and that you have to do what is right for you, simply for your own sanity.

I would suggest to find something to do for yourself, ie volunteer for a charity, join a club or any activity you enjoy and can afford.

I second what username123 said about Alanon as well.

R.D. aka MR.D

whatwhatwhat wrote: »

I know this might make me sound horrible, like the unsupportive child but we have gone through this so much, I no longer have any hope or respect for her. She doesn't try to help herself and constantly lies.

You don't have to be supportive if you don't feel like you can be. Please don't be feeling bad about that. There are a lot of people who have never been in this situation that have no idea what it is like and preach about what you 'should' and 'shouldn't' do. They don't know what it is like.

Is it just for the months over the summer until you go back to college?
If so then try to find something to focus on. I know its near impossible to get a job but you could do some volunteer work or take up a hobby. Even something like learning a language or an online tefl course. Something to focus on.

But if you are finished for good then try your best to make other arrangements for getting out of there for the long term.

Is your father still around? You say you wish she wasn't at home any more, is there anything he could do to facilitate this?

The main thing is to stay strong and focus on yourself and don't let her annoy you. Work on yourself to find ways to deal with her.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here again. Thanks everyone for the replies.

"why don't you try helping her to find a life of her own again"...I have tried before. I lend her books she doesn't read, used to go to the cinema with her the whole time and the odd time lunch. She actually used to be into knitting when I was younger, and taught me how, but wouldn't be into it now even though I have asked her to help me with this scarf. I have just given up now though because I have had evenings where I have gone to the cinema with her and spent most of the day with her and then the next day I wake up and realise she is on the booze again, started when I went to sleep. I can't take on the responsibility of trying to ensure her happiness and help her anymore, it has always been thrown back in my face. She is a grown woman and I can't take on her mental issues and problems.

I don't have money to go away to a different country working for the summer but I think the volunteer work/job hunting is a good idea. I'm just going to have to keep myself really busy and avoid her.

The thoughts of her being around though is making me sick. I know I should go to something like Alanon but I hate admitting how much it has all affected me. I really wish she would just go away and I could forget about everything. She has made life hell for everyone, torn the family apart. I have forgiven her time and time again but I can't do it anymore. Sometimes I feel so scared and upset when I think about how much my relationship with her has deteriorated and how I just don't want her in my life anymore. I never thought things would turn out this way.

I think I'm going to search for an online group or something to talk about things. The notion of Alanon really doesn't appeal to me even though I have heard good things about it, i just don't want to

"Is it just for the months over the summer until you go back to college?" Yes,thank heavens. But it seems like an awfully long time right now

LegacyUser

Before she comes home, does this rehab assist with her post treatment planning? There is no physician or psychiatrist at the facility that may have diagnosed and treated her? These are primary reasons why relapse is evident after treatment. There is no planning and not many facilities are equipped to treat concurrent disorders. Most rehabs only treat the addiction and forget the mental health issues that may be driving them. People leave without even an appointment made or activities organised and because of this many return home and fall back to old habits very quickly. One month is not enough to change to be frank and many rehabs are essentially a temporary solution to a lifelong problem. In order for her to succeed in recovery she has to continue with support and therapy after rehab. This can be from attending AA meetings or other recovery support groups in addition to weekly visits with a counsellor. Perhaps if she is prone to relapse that she finishes rehab and then goes to out-patient when she returns home? That can be another option where she has continuing care. Also with out-patient it will give you the break you need because there are daily therapy sessions with activities and it's almost like going to a full time job.

Now back to you. You need to live your life and not be preoccupied with your mother's. You are not being negative or unreasonable you probably just had enough and I don't blame you really. You are supposed to be the child (I know you are older and no longer a kid:p)but by no means ever change this role and become the parent. You sound very frustrated and annoyed and I advise you to speak with someone for your own sanity and well-being.

If you are not happy with Alanon, I really suggest Smart Recovery (http://www.smartrecovery.org) They are another alternative to 12 steps that uses Cognitive and Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy (CBT & REBT). They offer support and suggestions to family members too and have a 24/7 hour chatroom, a forum where you can post your concerns and solicit advise and even online meetings. All the facilitators are professionals that work in the addiction and mental health fields. It would not only be good for you but also your mother. They teach tools and techniques on how to maintain sober, deal with stress and anxiety. Most of all they will teach you how to handle someone with an addiction and offer support. Their services are free and don't cost a cent. They ask for donations only.

You are not responsible for your mother's sobriety. She is. There is nothing in the world you can do to prevent her from relapsing, that is entirely up to her.

I wish you luck and hang in there.

Lollipops23

up for anything wrote: »

To be honest, if I had a drink problem there is probably nothing that would send me back to drinking than having to live with ill concealed resentment and dislike and trying to bear the guilt that it was all my own fault.

What a terrible lack of understanding of what it's like to be a family member of an alcoholic.

OP, I completely see where you're coming from and there's only so many times you can be supportive and trusting to have it thrown back in your face.

I would try to focus on getting your own stuff together-give your mum some encouragement but don't let it be the focus of your life. Try your best to get on the job's market and secure something, then move out etc. Put distance between yourself and your mother.

username123

up for anything wrote: »

If you have no other option but to live at home again why don't you try helping her to find a life of her own again.

Its not the OPs responsibility to make her mother happy with who she is, or to help her to find a life.

up for anything wrote: »

To be honest, if I had a drink problem there is probably nothing that would send me back to drinking than having to live with ill concealed resentment and dislike and trying to bear the guilt that it was all my own fault.

Its obvious that you havent a clue what alcoholism in a family does to the family. If the OPs mother does not take responsibility for her actions then she can never hope to recover from her alcoholism. Of course there is going to be resentment and dislike, there will be a lot of anger, frustration and hurt as well. Thats the effect that a persons alcoholism has on their family!!

whatwhatwhat wrote: »

I know I should go to something like Alanon but I hate admitting how much it has all affected me.

I used to feel like this as well. In fact, I used to be more along the lines of 'it has NOT affected me, Im not the one with the problem!'. But the truth was, I grew up with it, I was exposed to it, it affected me. It wasnt my fault, but once I admitted to myself that it affected me a lot (and I hated admitting that!!!), well, it would have been irresponsible of me not to address my own issues. Its irrelevant what caused a persons issues, addressing them is the important thing right?

whatwhatwhat wrote: »

I really wish she would just go away and I could forget about everything. She has made life hell for everyone, torn the family apart. I have forgiven her time and time again but I can't do it anymore. Sometimes I feel so scared and upset when I think about how much my relationship with her has deteriorated and how I just don't want her in my life anymore.

Even if she disappeared right now in a puff of smoke, you cant just forget about everything. Its not like that. Youve been exposed to massively dysfunctional behaviour and it takes work on your part to 'unlearn' the bad stuff youve learned. I can only use examples from my own life, but my idea of conflict resolution was that you shouted at someone until they either gave in, or if they didnt give in, you cut them out of your life. Thats what I learned from my parents. Thats how conflict was resolved in my house. It was a bit of a shock to me that you could in fact talk reasonably without resorting to abuse in order to resolve conflict!

whatwhatwhat wrote: »

I think I'm going to search for an online group or something to talk about things. The notion of Alanon really doesn't appeal to me even though I have heard good things about it, i just don't want to

There are some good books you can get as well, if you had a library nearby you could go there to both read and get out of the house - double win! Look up stuff like ACOA (Adult Child of Alcoholic) - there is a lot of well documented research.

Or check out Smart Recovery as suggested by another poster.

It may be that youre just not ready for Alanon, Smart Recovery or whatever. I wasnt ready for years. If youre not ready, or the time isnt right, thats fine too. Just knowing that there is help out there is sometimes a help in itself. I was recommended Alanon for years before I went, what finally sent me was an horrific drunken crisis where my father collapsed outside the house, smacked his head off a concrete pillar and 3 neighbours carried him into the house. Blood everywhere, neighbours looking embarrassed, my father now conscious and staggering about, shouting, spraying blood about, then he fell over again and smashed the kitchen table to bits. Next morning the kitchen looked like a bomb site, my fathers head needed stitches and he had no recollection of any of it and told me I was a liar for suggesting any of it. I knew I needed help for myself at that point.

whatwhatwhat wrote: »

"Is it just for the months over the summer until you go back to college?" Yes,thank heavens. But it seems like an awfully long time right now

Yeah I hear ya, your best bet is to just try and get busy and stay busy. Out of interest, is there any relations or friends that you could go and stay with for even part of the time?