Distraught, at a loss

Adamantium

How you all doing there, I'm a 20 year old guy who'll 21 this week, At a total loss as to what to do with my life, heres a LOT of backstory, its long winded


Completed leaving cert in 2008 did a course in college, dropped in january 2009 and went through plenty of research to make sure the right choice

October 2009: in college studying another degree in Galway, having the time of my life FINALLY after so much uncertainity before that,

i genuniely could not have been happier, i was loving every moment and felt blessed my parents had given me a 2nd chance, great housemates, amy first real girlfriendfriends, a loving family, i'd finally come into my own after secondary school

everything was in place and then i work on morning with a feeling in my left eye ONLY as if a contacts lenses was out of place
went to doctor after doctor, opthmalogist prescribed drops couldn't find anything wrong, eye feels if it has pressure, HEADACHE,dry pain, disorientated, i'm always in pain, groogy can't hold a conversation because of it, can't wear lenses in that eye, one said it was all psychological, and well lets just say i felt angry

i used to be so bubbly and outgoing and this has totally stripped me of all energy, social life is gone to hell, people say"ah sure its just a headache" "you don't look sick"

I was exams cos i can't focus and study for them(august repeats) when i know i've the ABILITY to learn but amn't able and i want to repeat the years in
I feel the world just flying by people complain about the tiniest of problems, well i just think "jesus u have it so so easy, would you like chronic pain and see how you live with it?"

when i look at the famine in somalia, i think "wow, finally they're reporting real problems" you know?

Its made me doubt everything, god, life, society , the whole damn lot, i've pretty lost my faith in god,
I've so much to give the world and this problem is absolutely holding me back and i'm afraid i'll be some old man regreting life's missed oppurtunities.

Thank god i've supportive parents but i'm sure they're getting sick of my constant self loathing too and constant bills to consultants
Its not that i don't want too help myself, its just i can't!!! I can't make progress no matter what i do!

now i'm seeing a neurologist and he's prescribing pills to ease the pain and it does hep , ther are moments times of the day when the pain subsides eases and then in for maybe only a few minutes i feel momentary relief somewhat. Let me tell you appreciate how amazing life is pain free, its a gift that i appreciated before, but really didn't understand in a literal sense (id that makes any sense

I'm at home now, i took the year off as i SWORE I would not "just live with it", and go through another year of collegelike that, because its simply not a choice, yesterday i had a blood tests and i'll have an MRI tomorrow afternoon and even that is given me some hope, i'm currently doing a fetac in an area i'm interested close(i don't care if i pass or fail) but i find its very hard to relate to peers when you feel this way,

your mind is constantly at war with the physical pain (not being melodramatic) nobody can truly understand how powerful the human spirt is when you must wake up and go to bed feeling the same the whole time, you

But as awful as it is, it also taught me resevoirs of maturity,humility and i now really appreciate the extraordinary chances in every moment to be what we want and do whatever we can do (not being cheesy and I mean every word of it), I feel i have the wisdom of a 60 year in my 20 year old body and I REALLY will live every day as if its my last sunset

and I know one day soon I'l be free and I REALLY will live every day as if its my last sunset and i could write a biography a mile high because of it, climb mountains, travel

The only thing that really gets on my goat is the inability of people to appreciate boredom, "I'm bored", i appreciate all moments noweven if i can't participate fully in them , stop reaching for happiness in the future ! People have so much untapped potential and they don't realise it


Update as of 2012:

Neurologist beleives I have depression I'm being medicated for (but i only feel kinda high and empty after medication), which, my parents and I remain unconvinced, I'm still in in pain and We have often have fights, as I try to explain different options regarding treatment, they believe trying medication after medication will cure, as months just fly by, i feel my youth is slipping away, and that trying the same thing over and over again is insanity.

They threatened to throw me out on the street, and live independently, when I brought up the idea of medical cannabis (which I used, and it worked!)

They also have a weird, old fashioned view regarding depression, and would rather not hear about it! My mother often says "its all in my head", and then turns up the TV :rolleyes:


In my heart of hearts, Iknow The pain is causing the depression as opposed to the other away around! around

I'm 110% maxed out on effort and willpower, and I'm just so goddam tired at this stage.

I've handed in CV's in galway and hope to get summer work which is a shot in the dark these days, but I have move on, my life is severely curtailed, i just need a vision to work for/towards at the moment. I don't know if I'll go back to college in september, or just continue? I need to move away because the house atmosphere is poisonous, partly thanks to my problem!

My 21st is coming up and its reminder of how much I've done, and all I need to do

What to do?

Thanks for reading the above lifestory, I genuinely appreciate any feedback.

dafunk

I can't help you with your eye pain but I can sympathise with what you are going through. I had chronic pain for two years that got so progressively worse that it got to a stage that I became more aware of the pain when it stopped, like a really annoying noise in the background that, only when it stops, you become aware of how it was grating on you. Thankfully I have, for the most part, resolved the issue. I don't want to give medical advice but in my case it was going for acupuncture that kick started my road to recovery.

Constant and long term pain can be damaging to all aspects of your life. It can make you depressed, it can make it extremely hard to sleep or have restful sleep, it can make work or study difficult and it can make social activites hard or even impossible and can subsequently affect your social life and relationships. The build up of all of these things, as well as the frustration with feeling unwell for so long and not knowing what it wrong or when it will stop can make you irritable, also affecting your relationships.

My only advice is not to give up hope, stay positive about your recovery and if you cannot get a positive result through your hospital treatment well then consider the option of alternative treatments such as Chinese medicine / acupuncture or pain management programs.

Best of luck.

Adamantium

Thanks for the replies, oh to clarify that MRI was carried out a few months to ago and nothing was found.

Thanks for replying when you didn't need too, nobody wants to listen (myself included, ironically) to listen to somebody " whinging", and I'll endeavour to do the maximum I can to beat whatever this is.

I'll be visiting a local doctor, who I know personally for acupuncture treatment, to complement the medication I'm on

Thanks again

cafecolour

I'd check out: "All in My Head: An Epic Quest to Cure an Unrelenting, Totally Unreasonable, and Only Slightly Enlightening Headache" by Paula Kamen.

It's won't be much help medically, but it's an interesting book about a woman who has had a similar problem - she essentially woke up one day with a headache, and has never been able to get rid of it - with many people telling her that it's "All in her head". It's a little female/feminst-focused sometimes (ie from a women's pain being historically ignored, etc.), but you still might find it interesting.

Adamantium

That's funny, I had looked at that book on amazon only a few weeks ago and considered getting it, don't really care about feminist undertones! A human experience is a human experience! Thanks!