different needs

LegacyUser

I'm a single mother in l 30s and for past few months have been dating really nice funny guy.get on great etc. Recently though hes said hes bothered that we don't see that much of each other,once a week but on the phone every day. The thing is I work full time,then have kids when come home so I don't feel like can give much more to the relationship.I also like my own space and get pretty stressed out so when kids are gone to bed I need to wind down and not talk to anyone etc. He can't understand why he can't just call over during week and veg with me.Problem is he lives almost an hour away so when does call, it makes sense for him to stay over-because I haven't had my essential winding down time I just get a few hours sleep and find it hard to cope the next day.I like him so so much and know he feels the same.however he can't help but feel put out that we don't meet up more. Hes very good about respecting my need for space and relaxation but understandably is concerned about where this is going. I've explained that its nothing to do with how I feel about him. I'm also fiercely independent and used to doing things on my own so maybe that's partly reason why don't have constant need to meet up. Are we incompatible?

P. Breathnach

It looks to me as if you don't have room for him in your life. Or don't want to make room for him.

Leitrim lass

You don't sound incompatible. You sound more like you are being a bit too precious with your YOU time.
We all need winding down time but you sound like it is a strict regime with you.
What's the harm in him coming over and relaxing with you. maybe you only want to meet him for 'dates' while is is at the stage where he just wants to spend time with you without it being a big deal( like most couples).
If you want the relationship to progress I'd suggest relaxing your rules about you winding down on your own and invite him over, unless of course he hasn't met your children yet. Then that would be a different story.
Otherwise I could see him losing interest as he probably feels he is not a big consideration in your life.

R.D. aka MR.D

From what you've said it doesn't sound like you're making much time in your life for him.

I suppose you just need to decide if you are willing to put more effort into the relationship. If not then set him free to find some one who will spend time with him.

LegacyUser

We have only been dating a few months so surely once or twice a wk is enough for now? I suffer from bouts of insomnia and its through years of experience that I've learned that unless I relax 100% for a few hours before going to bed,I get 3 or 4 hours sleep. I've always been like this so that's why I've made this regime during weekdays where I follow routine at night. As I get to know him better and feel more relaxed,this will sort itself .at moment though , when he stays over midweek I cannot function the next day due to lack of sleep. I just want to take it slowly and get more comfortable with him around so that I can veg equally with him there as when alone. With my ex it took a while to get to this stage but I was able to cope then as was pre kids and didn't have to get up at 6am.

LegacyUser

The joys of single motherhood! I commend you as it is very hard work and can be exhausting.

My question to you is how long have you been single before meeting this fellow? Sometimes being single for a long period of time gets comfortable and it can be harder to "give up" certain freedoms to accommodate others. I know I have been guilty of this in the past. But being a single mam can create another obstacle because you are occupied with the kids and the stresses behind it. And we all know the kids’ needs are always going to come first.

There are a number of questions you need to ask yourself before determining incompatibility. I totally sympathise with you about the weeknight scenario. I know it must be very tough coming home from a full day of work to cook, clean, help the kids with homework and putting them to bed routine. I know it’s exhausting. I happen to have three neighbours that are single mams who I help out quite a bit with the after school stuff as I work from the home and I know how tough it is for them.

I understand that you want your own personal time and space for sure. But what happens if this relationship or any other relationship is going to or wants to advance? The fact that this guy seems accommodating about your personal space sounds great because it doesn't show signs of neediness or clinginess. Relationships do take work and if you are not willing to compromise and make time to see him more than I would second guess that your heart is not really into it. I am quite independent myself and I love my "me" time but personally once a week is not a relationship, imo. If you cannot really make the time because of your duties and responsibilities, then this is not a compatibility issue it is more of a lack of time issue. If you want more “me” time, than I would be frank with you. It is not a compatibility issue it is that you don’t want or not ready for a relationship issue because once a week is not going to be a long term relationship. No matter what the issue, you need to be upfront and honest with him. If you are not willing to give him the time for either reason, end it. He has the right to be with someone that is willing to make the time for him as much as he was for you.