boyfriend told me he's not in love with me!

LegacyUser

okay! ill try make this a short as possible!
ive been going out with my boyfriend for 3 years. we've been living together for 2 and half years. we dont sleep in the same room for the past 6 months id say, because my snoring (i know im a girl!!!) has gotten too much for him! which i completely understand. and after being to specialists, im on a list for an operation, which was described to me as "barbaric" by my doctor, to try stop it! this has caused a big distance in our relationship! before, he slept with me, but because of his lack of sleep, we'd fight more!
also, we dont sit together in the sitting room, and this could be for hours at night. he at the kitchen table and im in the sitting room. they are seperate rooms but theres no door so we do say the odd word to eachother.

i became unemployed last december, and have been unable to find a job! i try fill my time, but its very difficult. i volunteer with a charity, i collect my nieces from school whenever im need (usually about once a week) and try do lots of excersizing! and there are some days that i do nothing, which can be very depressing.

we always had pretty seperate lives, i did my thing, and he did his. which was great because we both appreciated our time together and apart, and always had loads to talk about. he works part time. and the days we spent together we always had so much fun.
but recently our spark has just gone.

anyway today, we were talking about what was wrong with us. he asked me if i was still in love with him, and i said yes, because i am. i asked him, and he said no. obviously, i was extremely upset! i was balling crying. i told him, its ok if thats how he feels. id rather he be honest with me than to live a lie. but he apologised and said he shouldnt have said that, that he does love me and only wants to be with me, but the distance between us was really getting to him and our spark is gone and we need to get it back. i agreed with him of course, but i am still in doubt about his love for me! hes a great guy, and cares a lot about me, he gets on great with my family, and all my nieces and nephews love him!!!
what would you do if someone said this to you??? should i just move on??? i do love him but after he said that today, he hurt me a lot!!

Miss Fluff

Well I wouldn't just brush it under the carpet. You need to really thrash this out. Sounds like he said it, saw how upset you got and then backtracked in order to avoid hurting you further. Your relationship as it stands is desperately unhealthy (and unhappy by the sounds of it) and you both need to decide whether there is anything left to work on.

Sleeping in seperate beds and sitting in different rooms sounds like hell and unless you both think this is just a really serious "blip" then I'd be having a really serious conversation about whether there is anything to save. It doesn't bode well tbh...

Taltos

I too think he back tracked after seeing how upset you got.
don't see it as him trying to hurt you, see it as him trying to formally end the relationship. As much as you don't want to read this I think he really does want out and right now he is scared by how upset you got.

sorry

R.D. aka MR.D

I agree with miss fluff your relationship sounds very unhealthy to begin with.

I find it hard to believe that his 'lack of sleep' was making you fight more, but i would bet he told you that.

I shared a room with my best friend for years and she snored (nightly), slept talked (weekly) and slept walked (weekly/monthly). I never once held it against her or didn't want to share a room with her.

My current boyf sleep talks and although it took a while to get used to, especially because he is in the same bed but I wouldn't even dream of suggesting he sleep in another room.

I couldn't even say that it sounds like you two are just living like friends, it sounds more like acquaintances.

you really need to think about if this is what you want in a relationship. You could work on it if you are both willing.

snafuk35

confusedgirly wrote: »

okay! ill try make this a short as possible!
ive been going out with my boyfriend for 3 years. we've been living together for 2 and half years. we dont sleep in the same room for the past 6 months id say, because my snoring (i know im a girl!!!) has gotten too much for him! which i completely understand. and after being to specialists, im on a list for an operation, which was described to me as "barbaric" by my doctor, to try stop it! this has caused a big distance in our relationship! before, he slept with me, but because of his lack of sleep, we'd fight more!
also, we dont sit together in the sitting room, and this could be for hours at night. he at the kitchen table and im in the sitting room. they are seperate rooms but theres no door so we do say the odd word to eachother.

i became unemployed last december, and have been unable to find a job! i try fill my time, but its very difficult. i volunteer with a charity, i collect my nieces from school whenever im need (usually about once a week) and try do lots of excersizing! and there are some days that i do nothing, which can be very depressing.

we always had pretty seperate lives, i did my thing, and he did his. which was great because we both appreciated our time together and apart, and always had loads to talk about. he works part time. and the days we spent together we always had so much fun.
but recently our spark has just gone.

anyway today, we were talking about what was wrong with us. he asked me if i was still in love with him, and i said yes, because i am. i asked him, and he said no. obviously, i was extremely upset! i was balling crying. i told him, its ok if thats how he feels. id rather he be honest with me than to live a lie. but he apologised and said he shouldnt have said that, that he does love me and only wants to be with me, but the distance between us was really getting to him and our spark is gone and we need to get it back. i agreed with him of course, but i am still in doubt about his love for me! hes a great guy, and cares a lot about me, he gets on great with my family, and all my nieces and nephews love him!!!
what would you do if someone said this to you??? should i just move on??? i do love him but after he said that today, he hurt me a lot!!

You clearly don't have any relationship anymore. It's over.

rbag

Sorry to be harsh but it's over.

gypsy_rose

God, that must have been such a horrible thing to hear, I hope you're alright. Like the other posters say, it doesn't sound good, you're obviously been knocked by him saying that quite a lot. But if he is willing to work on things maybe your relationship can be saved,but you both have to really, really want it. Have you had any constructive talks since about how to solve things? It's only when one or both of you stop making any effort to save or help your relationship that things are over.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for the replies.
well, it is hard to read alright, but its probably just what i need to hear. we've barely spoken since yesterday. he came in last night from work with biscuits for me(which he used to do all the time), but i can barely even look at him. he even got up extra early this morning and cleaned the whole house before i got up(very unusual for him) . i went for a shower after breakfast and when i came out i had tea and lunch ready for me.
he asked me last night if i minded he slept with me in our bed. i asked why and he said because he wanted to. and it was the one night i was looking forward to the bed all to myself, but i said no, i didnt mind. i went to bed about 2 hrs after him so he would be surely asleep.
not sure if im willing to try get over this, cos i dont want to have a thought at the back of my mind saying "is he only with me because hes afraid he'll hurt me"... even right now, hes in the kitchen on his laptop, me in the sitting room...

tbh i do believe him about him not getting sleep over me. anything wakes him up, our neighbours dog barking inside their house, high heels walking outside our front in the morning, traffic noise... anything!! and ive been told before how bad i am, not just by him...BUT im doing something to stop it...its just i havent heard anything from the hospital yet about my surgery!! and he said he was going to research into meditation etc to see if he can train himself to be a heavier sleeper - but i havent seen him do much about it yet.

but i really dont have anywhere to go! i dont have any friends that would be in a position to let me (and my cat!) stay with them (they have kids and families),, i cant afford to live by myself, if i move home to my parents house i may not be entitled to any social welfare and may not be able to find work (i havent been able to so far!!), ive no car and they live fairly far out of the city. at this stage, i feel that id stay with him and try and make it work, because theres nothing else for me to do... now if i ever heard of the most wrong reason to stay with someone, that would be it!!!

dellas1979

For the love of God, will you just not talk to the man and ask him what is going on in his head/heart and sort it out?

So instead of you sitting there on your couch complaining, will you not just get up and do the old fashioned thing of verbal communication to find out from the actual person in question what is going on.

Honest, sorry if am being harsh here, but come on. You have a brain, a mouth, feelings, an opinion. Will you start using them??

indough

to be honest going by your last post it sounds like he does want to make things work but i cant work out for the life of me why you went to bed 2 hours after him when he asked could he sleep in the same bed as you. the way i see it you can either be annoyed with him and act passive aggressively to get back at him or you can try to get over what he said and start making a go of it. maybe im wrong but i think he was making an effort there and if it were me id feel like you had just thrown sand in my face or something. i hope this doesnt come across as me having a go but you need to decide whether you actually want this to work because it sounds like theres a bit of point scoring going on at the moment

I am a friend

Buy him earplugs - they work!!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the honest (and snarky) comments. of course i was mad, i was worried about what i was going to do. if someone says they dont love you, you do question why you are together, and you do get mad and confused. thats perfectly natural!
i didnt want to talk to him, because i didnt know what to say to him, while still being angry and confused, i didnt want to say anything i would regret and make things worse than they were!

"for the love of god, will you just not talk to the man and ask him what is going on in his head/heart and sort it out?
So instead of you sitting there on your couch complaining, will you not just get up and do the old fashioned thing of verbal communication to find out from the actual person in question what is going on. "

what is with the attitude im picking up from this? I hope you dont say thngs like that to your friends when they are upset about their relationships. People come on here looking for sound advice, and expect a bit of support, not a shoot down like that. to be honest, everything i explained i was feeling, is perfectly natural in a troubled relationship. you can be harsh, but in a constructive and supportive way!

@I_am_a_friend - why did you even bother comment?

LegacyUser

Oh, also, we did talk the other night, and we are making another go of things. he past nearly 2 days have been going very well so far, and we are both going to make more of an effort with eachother. So, yes, our relationship was very very unhealthy the past few months, but we both realise it, and we both can admit it, and talk about things that make us happy and unhappy. I think if we can be open about it and if we communicate better, we can save the relationship. I do believe he does love me as insists now, but its finding the spark between us again that is the goal now.

I am a friend

confusedgirly wrote: »

@I_am_a_friend - why did you even bother comment?

I am sorry - I actually wasnt being sarcastic. They do work... I started using them with my ex who sounded like a JCB and they worked. Sometimes the simplest solutions are the best ones... No way I would have moved into a separate bed without having tried everything..

dellas1979

Excuse me now lady-back in your box-my post was said in frankness because your basis for not talking to the person in question was, quite frankly, ridiculous. You sitting on your couch posting on a forum about him, while he sat in the kitchen.

If you had said he told me all that that he didnt love me and then he fecked off and you couldnt get a reply out of him, Id be alot more sympathetic. Next time maybe make like an adult and pipe up and talk. Sounds like he is frustrated.

And I rescent the fact that you called some of the advice here snarky. Especially when you actually followed it, and it worked for you. Now that is upsetting and snarky, and not very clever of you.

LegacyUser

"excuse me now lady, back in your box"

Really? you shouldnt talk to people like that. do you realise how condescending and extremely aggravating that is? im not looking for your sympathy, nobodies perfect in a situation like this, not me, not him.. But i am looking for advice and thoughts on my situation. im not a person who says "i dont have to explain myself to anyone". i dont have to, but i want to, especially when im spoken to like that...

to you, the basis for me not talking to him was ridiculous, but to me, it wasn't. As i said in an earlier comment, I didn't want to say anything that would make the situation worse and push him away. I waited til I cooled and thought about our relationship in depth, so i could be reasonable and more accepting of the situation, and i think that is a much wiser thing to do rather than the pair of us screaming at eachother - and it worked, we had a conversation (not a fight!) where we both got to explain how we were feeling!

I was posting here, because it is maybe a bit more discreet than calling a friend and talking aloud to her with him in the house.

so not wanting to talk to my boyfriend for a few hours after he told me he doesnt love me is in your eyes wrong??

the snarky comment i was referring to was you! i came here looking for advice, and i got it, good advice too. and i am grateful of that. My boyfriend and I had talked about things hours before you first commented, so it's not exactly your advice im taking! but i didnt post on here to be spoken to like a child. So please, don't come back clapping your hands in my face. I only listen to people when what they are saying is somewhat respectful, and everyone here was, bar you!

@i_am_a_friend - believe me, we have tried everything, from throat sprays to mouthpieces and even to acupuncture. spent a fortune on products, doctors and specialists! absolutely nothing works. im tellin you, im pretty bad!! and theres a 20% chance the surgery wont do anything. but he has been wearing earplugs for two years (he even wears them when he sleeps in the spare room on his own, so he is an extremely light sleeper!!). we have kept BioEars in business but thanks anyway

Johnny_BravoIII

Weight directly affects snoring due to a build up of fatty tissue in the back of the neck. It's a personal question but what shape are you in?
Personally before going for a "barbaric" operation I would be the shape of my life!!

i asked why and he said because he wanted to. and it was the one night i was looking forward to the bed all to myself, but i said no, i didnt mind. i went to bed about 2 hrs after him so he would be surely asleep.

This I don't understand......ye fight, he tries to make things right by showing affection, you reject him flatly?

we dont sit together in the sitting room, and this could be for hours at night. he at the kitchen table and im in the sitting room.

even right now, hes in the kitchen on his laptop, me in the sitting room...

Are you happy to just co-exist?
A strong relationship requires creating funtimes & memories, experiences shared..................etc etc

Is it common that ye just individually sit staring at a Tv or laptop?

Sounds like awfully, boring, depressing, negative, mindless stuff tbh

curlzy

Hey OP,

God that must have been horrific to hear. I can't imagine the pain it must have caused you.

The more I think about your situation the more I wonder; are you with him because there's nothing else you can do because of your financial situation? You can't get a job and can't move home and can't live with friends. Are you only with him because you can't financially live without him?

If you still really and honestly love him and are in love with him, then give it 110% to make it work again, that means no more ignoring and no more staying up when he's asked to share the bed with you. Yeah you must have felt emotionally vulnerable after what he said but you need to be brave at the minute and fight for what you want.

However if you aren't in love with him anymore then put that 110% into finding a cheap houseshare that allows cats. I feel your pain on that score, I've 2 cats, a turtle, a snake, a pygmy hedgehog and 2 guinea pigs so you can only imagine the hassle I'd have if I had to find a houseshare! But I'm sure if you spend every minute looking you'd find a houseshare that allows a cat.

So yeah, I'm sorry you're going through this, it's awful. But you really need to figure out your motives, your real feelings for him and then you need to plan from that.

The very best of luck OP, I hope you get what will make you happy.

squonk

OP the impression I got also was that you are just there because there's no better alternative right now. For me the fact that you mentioned that you had no friends and didn't want to lose your welfare by moving home spoke volumes compared to your assertion that you loved your bf. I'm a big believer in the first comment is the true one, so when you're bf said he didn't love you, that was the truth. He sounds like a nice guy however so is probably trying to give it a go. At the end of the day, when I read your posts, they don't scream chemistry, just more of an arrangement. Heck, I've had better rapport with some housemates! To be honest, you sound more like that couple from the film 'The Field'. They had serious problems but stayed together because of the times they lived in. To me, the very fact that you're totting up the financial reasons why you must stay just strikes me that it's more about convenience now than being a couple. Yes, there's probably the dying embers there that you can cling to but you're both in a rut so it might be better to get out of that.

Sometimes a blazing row can actually clear the air. They're not always that bad. though sometimes we'd wish we kept our head and let things settle before we spoke, that can only cause things to fester and prolong the reconcilliation at the end. I can only speak for myself but I'd prefer to have a storming row for 20 minutes followed by some reconcilliation than a creeping discussion that goes on over a week, or weeks. To me, that lacks passion. You may as well be negotiating the bailout with the EU and the IMF at that rate.

Be sure you're together because that's really what you both want. Don't be a couple just because it's handy and you have some feelings but otherwise it's a passionless, chemistryless arrangement. Both of you deserve something special. Anything else and you might as well be living apart because at least then you can suit yourself rather than compromising just for the sake of the arrangement.