Am I heartless and unsocialized?

LegacyUser

Hi,

I would be delighted to get some feedback on a difficult situation I have been going through with my partner, a word I use loosely.

I found out he was having an affair with another woman for years. I knew there was problems in our relationship but due to embarrassment and feelings of loneliness I stead quiet and allowed him continue his relations with this woman without interference from me. At times I did ask him to stop, he always promised he would, but never did.

At the time, I felt I was unworthy of anybody finding me attractive and felt that I couldn’t blame him for seeing another woman. I had, and still do, have problems with food and subsequently have become less attractive because of constant fluctuating weight which has taken its toll on my body.

Last year he came home and promised he would never see her again. He was beside himself with guilt and wanted to resolve our difficulties. For the past couple of months things were starting to look up again . . .

A few weeks ago when I was at home he got a call from a relative of hers to say she was in hospital and was extremely ill and the Doctors were unsure what was wrong. She is at home now and is still awaiting more test results.

With all of this going on, he has decided to spend Saturday and Sunday evenings bringing her for a meal to get her out of the house. When I protested he said I was heartless and needed to get out there and socialize more and see how people interact with each other!

I was at my local shop the other day when I got a tap on the shoulder from this persons’ sister. She said she was mortified by the behavior of himself and her sister and wanted to apologise. She said her sister was very ill but was still going to work so could not understand why he needed to take her for dinner.

I feel trapped, don’t have money and feel there is nowhere to turn too. I am merely existing.

deemedheartless

deemedheartless wrote: »

With all of this going on, he has decided to spend Saturday and Sunday evenings bringing her for a meal to get her out of the house. When I protested he said I was heartless and needed to get out there and socialize more and see how people interact with each other!

OP, deflection is a very common tactic from someone who is cheating or abusive. They will tell you either you're imagining it, you're crazy etc, if cheating, and tell you you're worthless and nobody else would ever want you etc in the latter case.
As you see here, he is doing something wrong and going on the attack by undermining you so you will put up with it and continue to not question it, and he will continue having the best of both worlds, i.e. two women interested in him and neither likely to leave.

I strongly suggest that you firstly talk to a counsellor for self esteem issues, and that you leave him. He does not respect you as you have let him walk all over you, and he's not going to change, because he's having the best of it now - why would he change?
I imagine he came home "racked with guilt" because the other woman dumped him, not because he was actually feeling bad.

If you have any relatives or friends to stay with, go to them asap.

As for your weight, there are plenty of adults in relationships who will encourage their partner to lose weight, or sit down and discuss it if it's a genuine problem. In the worst case they may leave. It is not an excuse for him to cheat on you and put you down, and you should never accept it as one.

_dublinlad_

Jesus!

Its all well and good for me as an outsider looking in to say; dump him right now, get out and meet new people, improve yourself on a daily basis.

You may be thinking these things arent possible but let me tell you they ARE. You do not deserve this, you are better then this, and you can do better.

Even if you feel like you cant dump him right now, go out to a spa and pamper yourself, go to the gym and work out, get a new haircut, buy some new clothes. Just make yourself feel better and more attractive. Contact old friends and go out on the town maybe. All these things will help.

But at the end of the day dump this guy!! How could you marry or see any long term future with this guy after what he has done to you??

I know you think you will never find another guy, but that is bull****, there are plenty of great guys out there willing to love you and treat you with the respect you deserve.

dellas1979

Your post makes me so sad. How HOW have you endured this? You must have some crazy coping skills woman.

It seems to cope with this, you switched off, also switching your self-esteem off with it. Thats like in a way a defense mechanism cause if you are switched off then it wont hurt. But it will and it always will hurt as long as you are willing to put up with it.

Time to switch yourself back on and fight for yourself. You do have options to leave him if you really want to. Just open your eyes. Hoping this situation is going to get better is not good for you. The best indication of a person's future behaviour is their past behaviour, and by God he is rotten.

Neyite

If she is going to work, then she is not that sick. From the description given by your OH I expected something terminal. Her sister has confirmed that while its a concern, its treatable and they will be fine.

So your partner is using this as an excuse to see her, and guilt-tripping you into it - why one earth should you be compassionate towards her? An illness does not wipe the slate clean and make someone a saint or martyr. I'd be tempted to say Karma came around, and while I know she is not the one that cheated -your partner is, I'd have zero sympathy for her.

The next time he wants to go and "comfort her" pack his stuff and tell him he can become a full time carer. You can do so much better than this horrible man. Please consider ways to end this - you could have a wonderful future ahead of you that you are denying yourself by staying here in this mess.

lace

Hi OP!

If I were you, I'd be running for the hills (or the nearest house of a friend/relative willing to take me in for a few days)!

You need time and space to clear your head so, if you can at all, try to get away for a few days to visit family or friends. This should help you to step back and look at how you view him, yourself and the relationship and to examine the effects it has had on your self esteem and confidence. At the moment, you are in a relationship with someone who obviously doesn't respect you or care about your feelings and you're feeling trapped.

If you don't have enough money to get out of this toxic relationship then I would suggest going to the local citizen's information/social welfare office or clinic of a local counsellor and find out what you would be entitled to and what kind of support you could get if you do leave him.

If you need to save to be able to leave him then make a plan. Start saving money. Start going out for walks or take up a new and inexpensive hobby. Exercise will make you feel better about yourself and taking some time out of the day to go for a walk alone will help you get your thoughts in order. You could also join a local club or group (drama society/book club/walking club/charity organization). This will give you an opportunity to make new friends and give you something positive to focus on.

Try not to get involved with this woman or her family. I know her sister contacted you first, but don't let them drag you into this. This woman and her illness are not your concern. The fact that she is ill does not excuse your husband's decision to carry on seeing her after he had promised he wouldn't.

At the moment, he is trying to make you doubt yourself and undermine your confidence. This is bullying and emotional abuse and you absolutely should not stand for it. You deserve better. You can find better. You just need to get away from this man. Soon.

LegacyUser

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. All your posts have been an eye opener.

Your responses are common sense to the average person, but when in a situation like mine you become blinded and cocooned by your own emotions.

I agree that I have switched off emotionally, feeding myself to the point of feeling ill and then other days not eating all day, seems to be the only thing that makes me happy. I understand I will need to get help for this.

Sexually there has been no chemistry. The subject was brought up twice and in the heat of the moment and twice it was a disaster. I blamed myself for this.

It has taken me a long time to put my feelings down on paper, but there was a very bizarre episode that somewhat frightened me. This was around the time he had left her. We tried getting intimate, he started sweating profusely and hiding himself down below and said he couldn’t get an erection and we should just leave it. He was visibly aroused but prevented us going further. He jumped from the bed and started acting erratically, rushing back and fort to the toilet.

At this stage, I began realizing that this situation was getting out of hand but again blinded myself and kept up the pretense that everything was ok, when clearly it hasn’t been for some time.

dellas1979

Well. ask yourself this then. Why are you with him?

Seems to me you are with him because you are scared of being on your own?

Is it not better to be on your own, and working on yourself (to get better after all this mess), than simply putting up with this?

The fight has gone from you to keep going in this relationship. And thats ok. Thats why you are posting now because you know you want to walk away. You havent done anything wrong. But you need to walk away now. Enough has happened. You need to create something better for yourself.