Worried About Tension At Wedding

LegacyUser

Hi all.

I'm 28 years old and I'm getting married to my childhood sweetheart in October. We're on Cloud 9 at the moment and we've been planning everything out together and it's all looking well.

When it came to picking my best man, I couldn't decide between my two closest friends, so we agreed to make both of them a best man. They were both thrilled to be asked and both accepted and I'm so delighted and proud to have them as my 'best men'.

However, there is one problem with the guest list: a very close friend of both my fiancée and I is obviously going to be invited. The problem is, she treated one of my best men very badly in the past (they never went out officially, but she strung him along for ages and they both fought a lot, and I got dragged into it; I didn't speak to her for over 3 months at one stage over the way she was treating him) and his own fiancée cannot stand her and there have been fights at events where they have been present.

We obviously want a perfect, happy and peaceful wedding and reception, and I'm now worried that if my friend is there, it could kick off. She is a wonderful person and I love her as a friend, but she can get very mouthy when she drinks. She also overindulges in alcohol at times, and as we're having a free bar at the reception, I'm worried she'll just go bananas and there'll be trouble.

I can't not invite her, and there's no way I'm changing my best man (and even if I did, he would have been at the top of the guest list for my wedding anyway). My fiancée is very worried now, and I'm starting to get worried too. In the past, I've tried to talk to both my friend and my best man when they were at other events, but it does not work. He still feels quite bitter over the way she treated him and she (for some reason) feels equally bitter towards him.

I really don't know what to do, and I don't want my wedding ruined by a fight, but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by asking them to not come or to be forceful and tell them to 'control themselves' either. I really don't know what to do.

Ken.

Seems easy to me. I wouldn't be inviting the one who gets rowdy with too much drink in them. Leave aside everything else she done to your best man she seems like a loose cannon. Ask yourself this, If your best man couldn't make the wedding for some reason would you still worry about this woman being near a free bar? Personally i would and for that reason she would not get an invite from me.

Starokan

Don't waste any time thinking about, no one is going to want to ruin your big day. Chances are it will all go off smoothly. If you feel its warranted have a word with your best man to ensure that neither he nor his fiancee get involved in any argument, likewise have your fiancee have a word with her friend.

Honestly im sure it will be fine, no one wants to be remembered as someone who caused trouble at a wedding.

Enjoy the run up to your big day

woodchuck

I’d just make sure that they both know the other is coming and say something along the lines of ‘I hope that won’t cause any tension on the day’. They should get the hint that they’re to be on their best behaviour! Obviously make sure they’re not sitting near each other at dinner.

I might make the chief bridesmaid and other best man aware of the situation aswell so that they can keep an eye on things eg make sure to keep them apart if the girl starts to get drunk/rowdy at all (drag her onto the dancefloor, outside for a smoke, whatever it takes). You shouldn’t have to worry about that stuff on your big day!

Miss Fluff

I'd explicitly give her the choice. Talk to her in person and tell her you'd like her there but on the proviso that she actually behaves herself. She will either be mortified and say of course she will behave herself and timidly sip at her babysham behind the biggest potted plant she can find or she'll have an unmerciful strop and say she doesn't want to be at your wedding anyway. I'd definitely say it to her....(why ON EARTH do people bother to drink if they can't conduct themselves in a civilized manner, seriously??)

OS119

OP, i'd go with Miss Fluff.

the way you've explained it suggests that its definately the girl with the drink problem who's the varible - i'd propose that you both talk to her before the wedding (possibly in the hope that she's be so embarressed by the experience that she'll find herself unable to attend the wedding?..), and that if she is to be there, you designate people you trust to be her minders for the day who'll be able to 'steer' her away from any potential trouble.

the big lesson, from my own horrificly embarrassing wedding, is not to bury your head in the sand and hope that people who act like c0cks suddenly won't. be proactive in risk reduction/prevention - if theres doubt, then theres no doubt.

Neyite

You'd see more mature behaviour at a Sweet Sixteen party :rolleyes:

If they are true friends of yours and your bride to be, then both of them should be willing to put their (quite frankly juvenile) differences aside for the day. If they dont and are more interested in getting a bitter dig in then I'd say neither are welcome, if they cant behave like adults.

There are many families - some where members of the bridal party have divorced parents and new spouses, and if they can manage to put their differences aside for their loved ones for a day, then surely two adults who had a short fling should be able to.

rainshine

You'd like to think that everyone can get along for one day, be happy for you and just enjoy what the days about. I underestimated one of my in-laws at mine and they offended me, my family and quite a few of my guests. It took me quite some time to get over it. Go with your gut, the last thing you or your fiancée want is bad memories from the day. I agree with OS119 about taking precautionary measures.

I am a friend

HusbandToBe wrote: »

I don't want my wedding ruined by a fight

Why are you friends with people who you suspect may fight at your wedding? If they do, then they are just yobs!!!

Nyan Cat

Absolutely agreed that you need to talk to her. She might be mortified that you were worried. Or she might throw a strop. But either way it's resolved and less worry for you.
If she DOES throw a strop i'd suggest telling her that you know she might feel offended but she's done things before that no one wants happening at a wedding. She will either see sense and agree to behave or say she isn't coming to the wedding. The latter might hurt but it's your wedding day and you don't need stress like that from friends on your big day.
She could still calm down and apologise after the strop.

It's still worth mentioning to the lad that while you realise he isn't the one who would start it, you hope that he wouldn't get drawn in to her dramatics and the same for his girlfriend.
It doesnt have to be a big talk with the lad. But it might well help.

iguana

As well as following the advice here do you have any friends who you can ask to 'run interference' between the friends in question?

LegacyUser

Hi, all.

OP here again.

Thanks for all the advice.

I also want to clarify; my best man is 99% blameless in all of this. His only part in the feud is that he was a horny guy and he was being led on. He was hopelessly infatuated and he just wanted to get together with this girl, and she just led him on.

Anyway, I had a talk with this girl. We met up over coffee and I told her my concern. Needless to say, she will not be invited to the wedding. I knew she was volatile, but her reaction was unreal. It was the proper "WHAT DO YOU MEAN??!?!" reaction. I calmly tried to explain my situation. She reacted incredibly badly. I was embarrassed by her in this café. She could not see my point of view at all. I tried calling her after, but she would not answer.

I talked to the other best man, and he was pretty frank, telling me to just not invite her and let her contact me if she wants.

I'm a little upset, but seeing her reaction to such a non-confrontational and calm situation, I'm actually kinda glad that she most likely will not be at my wedding...

tinkerbell

You did the right thing. She's clearly a drama queen and if her track record is getting plastered and then creating a big hullabaloo then she could ruin your wedding. As a bride & groom, you don't want ANY drama at your wedding, you don't want to have to worry about it.

You've spoken to her now and she reacted over the top again. Don't invite her, leave it be.