I went back to abusive relationship but am i now trapped?

willmunny1990

I was in an abusive relationship that came to a head some time ago which ended up with acts of violence and less than favorable actions by all involved.

I started a thread about it before, i basically watched porn and my girlfriend didn't like it which then lead her to get revenge in a horrible way therefore causing me to snap and lash out which was totally out of character for me.

It took a long time to get over the incident, my parents, some friends and a lot of people in my area wouldn't talk or associate with me because my Ex fabricated an elaborate ruse portraying herself as the innocent victim without telling all the facts. I wasn't believed by most people so was seen as the horrible woman beater.

Although it took a long time things did blow over and i started to get back on track making new friends and forgetting about my old ones, my parents did warm to me again although i keep them at arms length now.

Ok, so now you no some of the History my problem is this...I have being seeing my Ex from time to time for casual sex and she has now ended up pregnant which is a disaster. I never had any intentions of getting back into a relationship with her and she new this but now she is pregnant she wants to get back together. I have no idea if i was the only person she has been seeing so i cant be sure the child is mine although she is claiming it is and that she hasn't been having sex with anyone else.

At the moment nobody knows of the situation only us but my time is running out, i managed to convince her not to tell anyone yet but she is getting impatient and frustrated with my stalling, she also dropped the hint she was going to tell my parents who she is close to which i don't want as then it will be all out in the open. I don't want a relationship with her as i no it will only go back to the way it was but her being pregnant is a big problem.

At the start i suggested an abortion was an option, i also said i would fund it but this idea was dismissed in disgust. My fear is if i come out and say i don't want to be in a relationship with her she will use all these things against me, i.e the abortion offer, using her for sex and then probably make it difficult to see the child. I mean if you read the old threads you'd no this person is capable of doing horrible, hurt full things.

If the child is mine it binds me to this girl for life which haunts me TBH, I was thinking of just denying the whole thing as i cant be sure it is mine, i mean she has no proof of me being the father and could of slept with other people.

How do i work this out or can i? What are my options?

sambuka41

willmunny1990 wrote: »

I started a thread about it before, i basically watched porn and my girlfriend didn't like it which then lead her to get revenge in a horrible way therefore causing me to snap and lash out which was totally out of character for me.

Sounds like you never even took responsibility for what you for what you done, so I can see why people had a hard time getting past it.

willmunny1990 wrote: »

Ok, so now you no some of the History my problem is this...I have being seeing my Ex from time to time for casual sex and she has now ended up pregnant which is a disaster.

This speaks to the level of respect you obviously have for this girl :rolleyes:

willmunny1990 wrote: »

At the moment nobody knows of the situation only us but my time is running out, i managed to convince her not to tell anyone yet but she is getting impatient and frustrated with my stalling, she also dropped the hint she was going to tell my parents who she is close to which i don't want as then it will be all out in the open. I don't want a relationship with her as i no it will only go back to the way it was but her being pregnant is a big problem.

At the start i suggested an abortion was an option, i also said i would fund it but this idea was dismissed in disgust. My fear is if i come out and say i don't want to be in a relationship with her she will use all these things against me, i.e the abortion offer, using her for sex and then probably make it difficult to see the child. I mean if you read the old threads you'd no this person is capable of doing horrible, hurt full things.

Yeah like making her stay quiet about the pregnancy, using her for sex and encouraging abortion are just lovely things, clearly she's the monster here. :rolleyes::rolleyes:

willmunny1990 wrote: »

If the child is mine it binds me to this girl for life which haunts me TBH, I was thinking of just denying the whole thing as i cant be sure it is mine, i mean she has no proof of me being the father and could of slept with other people.

How do i work this out or can i? What are my options?

Your options, man up. I feel sorry for this girl being attached to an irresponsible man (child) who hits women. She'd be better off without you.

woodchuck

One minute you say you're afraid to break up with her because you're afraid she won't let you see the child. The next minute you're talking about denying the baby is even yours!?

Whatever about your 'relationship' with this women, the child is innocent in all of this. You have no reason to believe the child isn't yours (do you?), so man up and do the right thing! Be there for your child. Your (ex)girlfriend can't force you to be in a relationship, so don't be in one with her if you don't want to. You're both going to have to become a lot more mature if you are going to raise a child together.

willmunny1990

woodchuck wrote: »

One minute you say you're afraid to break up with her because you're afraid she won't let you see the child. The next minute you're talking about denying the baby is even yours!?

Whatever about your 'relationship' with this women, the child is innocent in all of this. You have no reason to believe the child isn't yours (do you?), so man up and do the right thing! Be there for your child. Your (ex)girlfriend can't force you to be in a relationship, so don't be in one with her if you don't want to. You're both going to have to become a lot more mature if you are going to raise a child together.

I would never deny a child if it was mine. My relationship with my Ex has been casual for some time which she was fine with everyone, we were free to see other people and this was understood. I saw other people so she could of a as well. I don't trust this girl, i never have so i will be honest and admit i don't no if this child is mine, how can i be sure.

I don't want to bond with a child and then a few years down the line find out it's not mine or something..i couldn't live with that and this girl is capable of terrible and hurt full things.

Herrick

willmunny1990 wrote: »

I don't want to bond with a child and then a few years down the line find out it's not mine or something..i couldn't live with that and this girl is capable of terrible and hurt full things.

Demand a DNA test then.

woodchuck

If you genuinely doubt the baby is yours then get a paternity test (maybe someone else knows more about these? I'd imagine you'd have to wait for the baby to be born first)

If you don't trust her, then definitely don't be in a relationship with her.

username123

I actually had some sympathy for you before despite your violence towards your ex because I was horrified at the act that led to the violence.

All I can say is my sympathy has vanished at this latest thread. Both of you must have serious issues to have been having sex with each other again.

Now youre whining in case she is pregnant, well guess what, when you use women for sex sometimes they get pregnant. I feel sorry for any child that would have both of you for parents to be honest.

Here are some tips for the future:
Dont hit women.
Dont use women for sex.
Dont have sex with women you neither trust nor respect.
Dont make a woman you have impregnated keep quiet about the pregnancy or offer her an abortion.

I would seriously doubt that you are capable of manning up to your responsibilities here, I just feel sorry for the poor child in this - both you and your ex are capable of behaving in disgusting ways and are not mature enough to be parents.

EGAR

If I remember correctly, OP offered his GF's younger brother money to take the blame for the porn watching. So I am not surprised at this development, disgusted but not surprised.

Man up, OP, any boy can make a baby, it takes a man to raise a child.

newuser30

You dont love each other so do not consider a relationship. You dont trust the child is yours so get a paternity test. Be there 100% for your child up to the test, and after (of course) if it's yours, pay all that you need to pay towards care of child. Who cares what stories she makes up, you'll know yourself whether you are doing all you can for the child, and people will see through her. Do not put your head in the sand about this, it sounds like you are a bit scared of her. No need, just do the right thing for the child.

willmunny1990

Just want to clear a few things up...

I never used her for sex, we used each other and it was fine, no complaints from either party as she new i never wanted anything serious and at the time she didn't either. I was also very careful which is why my suspicions are heightened on me not being the father

People are using the fact i hit her against me whilst forgetting it was totally out of character and that it was down to her committing a vile act.

All this "man up" and "any boy can make a baby, it takes a man to raise a child" sh*t is sickening. I have every right to no the child i will be raising is mine.

I am not proud of the part i played in this, i mostly regret me hitting her.
The abortion was a suggestion, i wasn't demanding one so i don't regret bringing it up as an option as i believe a ALL options should remain on the table.

I think the suggestion of a DNA test is my best option but the problem is i no she wont agree and i don't no how she will react to the suggestion as it will come across as me calling her a liar, i will how ever ask for one any way as it has to be done.

Should i bring up the paternity test topic now or wait until the child is born?

EGAR

OP, you wrote in your first post that you used her for sex, verbatim.

No one mentioned you hitting her. I understand that you are hung up about it, especially since you say it's out of character for you. However, it takes two to tango, hence the man up.

Tell her you want a DNA test and speak with your GP about the options, ie when a DNA test can be done.

The Lovely Muffin

willmunny1990 wrote: »

Should i bring up the paternity test topic now or wait until the child is born?

I would say, ask her now for a paternity test, they can be done during pregnancy and obviously after pregnancy.

http://www.paternitytest.ie/prenatal-paternity-test.html

I have no idea of the cost though, as far as I know Blackrock clinic do paternity testing so if you ring them, they should be able to advise on the cost.

Best of luck with everything, hope it all works out for you.

willmunny1990

EGAR wrote: »

OP, you wrote in your first post that you used her for sex, verbatim.

No one mentioned you hitting her. I understand that you are hung up about it, especially since you say it's out of character for you. However, it takes two to tango, hence the man up.

Tell her you want a DNA test and speak with your GP about the options, ie when a DNA test can be done.

It takes two people, she used me as much as i used her TBF, talk of a relationship was never mentioned up until she said she was pregnant.

Username123 and Sambuka41 mentioned hitting. Usename123 said "don't hit women" and Sambuka41 said a "man (child) who hits women" as if i am some savage woman beater.

blatantrereg

I typed willmunny1990 porn site:boards.ie to find the thread describing what you did.

Fact of the matter is that your dog's life was in peril where it was. I've worked in an animal shelter with a no-kill policy and individual kennels, and still disease was rife and plenty needed to be put down.

An friend of an ex of mine found a stray and wanted to adopt him. She made the mistake of putting him in a pound in the meantime. He was only there a couple of days max and my ex and I took him temporarily instead. He was filthy when he came out of it and wouldn't eat anything. We took him to a vet and they said explained he had a pretty gruesome disease which he probably got in the pound, and he was dying. He had to be put down too.


I've never hit a woman in my life and I never would. I'm really not someone who thinks lightly of people doing things like that. Nonetheless when your actions are put in context, it reads to me as you protecting your dog moreso than attacking your ex gf.


You dont need me to tell you how stupid it was to meet her since that. She's dangerous and just ****ing evil tbh. Seriously, I've met some real headcases in my time, but none of them would ever do that.


If she is capable of doing that, then there is not even a tiny doubt that she is capable of lying about paternity, or faking a pregnancy. Dont get into a relationship with her. Do insist on a paternity test, and dont be ashamed about doing so. If you let her control you with mental **** then she'll control you with mental ****. Try to open your eyes a bit and develop a suitable sense of revulsion for people like that, instead of hopping into bed with them.


All that said, there's one thing you really need to get through your head here. If she is pregnant with your kid, then that's your kid there. That's who it's about - the kid, not her. That's where your responsibility is. Running off or refusing to acknowledge them wont make them any less your kid. And believe me, abandoning him because his mother is a psycho is one of the most reprehensible motivations for doing so. You'd be abandoning him to the mercy of an evil psycho. You need to be more of a father to him not less.

I tell you with absolute certainty that you wont ever forgive yourself if you dont find out the truth here, and (if you do turn out to be the father) take care of your child.

Gyalist

Has she shown you proof that she is actually pregnant or are you trusting her word?

sambuka41

willmunny1990 wrote: »

Username123 and Sambuka41 mentioned hitting. Usename123 said "don't hit women" and Sambuka41 said a "man (child) who hits women" as if i am some savage woman beater.

I mentioned it as a way to highlight what I believe is you not taking responsibility for your actions. I am not familiar with the cruel/horrible act that was involved in your act of violence; in my opinion nothing justifies violence. There is always another option, you raised your hand, thats on you. You may regret it, it may have been out of character but its still on you, no excuse covers it.

I felt that it ties into the lack of responsibility that you are displaying regarding the pregnancy; your response to this is to deny the possibility that its your child just so as you are not tied to this person. It all comes across as incredibly childish carry on.

I am a friend

sambuka41 wrote: »

I am not familiar with the cruel/horrible act

she put his dog in the pound.

OP, what were you thinking having sex with her.... If she is pregnant then you have no one to blame but yourself.

Neyite

I'm not going to comment on your previous PI, only discuss the situation as it stands now.

You say you used each other - I think you may have been happy to avail of the no strings sex, I wonder if she had another motive, which was to aim to get pregnant to force you into a relationship you didnt want? Either way, you are 50% responsible for this by having unprotected sex with someone you neither love nor trust.

Firstly, establish beyond everything else if she is actually pregnant. Then look into ways to establish if the baby is yours.

A positive pregnancy test will confirm it. But bear in mind that some women who are manipulative enough may get a pregnant friends test and pass it off as their own.

Next, establish if the baby is yours. She may not agree to a DNA test until the baby is born - with valid reason - some tests can increase the risk of miscarriage.

The important thing in her decision making process at this moment will be the way you intend to be involved. If you have no intention of being in a relationship with her -STOP HAVING SEX WITH HER!!! Make it crystal clear that you will support the child, subject to proof that the baby is yours, and be clear as to the extent of your involvement.

Then you can look into ways that you can support the child. I suspect it may get ugly if her intent was to "trap" you (which tbh you walked right into) into a relationship and you refuse, then the child becomes a tool to manipulate you.

I dont think many would think that badly of you for suggesting abortion as a possible option in an unplanned pregnancy - its a valid choice for some, especially since you are not together, its not a stable environment for the child, and you both seem very young. You were discussing options, thats all. Even the fact that she dismissed the idea shows that she has thought about it and has ruled it out.

Mickey Dazzler

I would play along and get back together with and play happy families. When the child is born rejoice.

However when you are alone with the child take a swab from its mouth and find out if you are the father through DNA testing.

If you are the father you look like a good guy who stood by her. If you are not the father tell the world what manipulative slut she is. Throw her out on the street and be rid of her forever.

Stavro Mueller

I just went and googled your previous posts. Both of you behaved absolutely despicably and really should be giving each other a wide berth. The carry on with the porn was extremely nasty. But as a dog owner, your girlfriend putting your pet in the pound and you resorting to punching her in the face so you could find out where it had gone just churned my stomach. I'm not sure which of you is worse than the other.

No child deserves to grow up in an environment where its parents are incapable of behaving like civilized human beings. You've not been able to do it in the past and it's unlikely that is going to change.

As for the pickle you're in now. It's your girlfriend's decision whether to keep the baby or not. Insist on having a DNA test done to establish if you are the father. If you are, face up to your responsibilities. Don't get back into a relationship with this woman again because you will cause so much damage to that poor kid. You can be a parent without being in a relationship with the other person.

lace

1) The two of you should absolutely not consider getting back together. Ever. You should stop seeing each other and STOP HAVING SEX! Particularly if you don't trust one another.

2) Go to the doctor or take a test together. You need to be 100% sure she is actually pregnant.

3) Bring up the point that, because the two of you were having casual sex and were not "committed" when the child was conceived, you cannot be sure it is yours and you would like a paternity test. You may have to wait until the baby is born if she refuses to have it done before then.

4) Unless you are sure (and have DNA test proof) that this baby is not yours then you need to be responsible for it. Help her out with costs before and after the birth.

5) Go through legal routes if you have to, but agree on child support payments, visitation etc. If you have treated this woman badly in the past she may decide to make it difficult for you to see the child.

6) Please, please, if you are going to be a father then begin to make more responsible choices. Be 100% sure that, if you are having casual sex, you're both using the right protection against STD's and pregnancy. Stop having sex with people you don't respect or trust. It will never end well.

For the sake of this child, I hope the two of you grow up a bit.

Taltos

All - please no more dragging up the old thread.
Please keep your replies to the issue at hand and above all else civil and constructive.

Any more posts bordering on the abusive or likewise off topic may result in mod action.

Thanks
Taltos

willmunny1990

sambuka41 wrote: »

I mentioned it as a way to highlight what I believe is you not taking responsibility for your actions. I am not familiar with the cruel/horrible act that was involved in your act of violence; in my opinion nothing justifies violence. There is always another option, you raised your hand, thats on you. You may regret it, it may have been out of character but its still on you, no excuse covers it.

I felt that it ties into the lack of responsibility that you are displaying regarding the pregnancy; your response to this is to deny the possibility that its your child just so as you are not tied to this person. It all comes across as incredibly childish carry on.

I think i am being very responsibly actually. I am entitled to no if the child is mine and am seeking ways to find that out. It wouldn't be very responsible to just blindly raise a child if you have legitimate concerns over whether it's yours or not, raising another mans potential child and putting your head in the sand over the incident should not be seen as "manning up" it should be seen as idiotic.

By the way how does saying i am an " irresponsible man (child) who hits women" highlight me not taking responsibilities for my actions?

I'll tell you what your statement highlights, it highlights your ignorance to the whole situation and that you have wrongly tagged me as a woman beater which is totally absurd.

If you aren't familiar with her horrible act then don't comment on my actions as you have no idea what went on. We are all human, we all have limits and are capable of lashing out, if you've ever suffered physical or mental abuse you would no that.

I have not denied anything yet but i admit i was thinking of it due to the fact she has more than likely seen other people other than myself plus we were always careful. I refuse to raise a child with out knowing if it s mine. I will ask every question i can in order to find out the truth, if the child is mine i will be there however getting a DNA test with her on side will be near impossible.

LegacyUser

willmunny1990 wrote: »

I will ask every question i can in order to find out the truth, if the child is mine i will be there however getting a DNA test with her on side will be near impossible.

You have the right to ask for one and if she denies it then you would have to go to a solicitor and get one court ordered.

Gyalist

Never mind the DNA test - cross that bridge when you come to it. Have you established beyond all doubt that she is actually pregnant or are you trusting her word?

Jaysoose

willmunny1990 wrote: »

I think i am being very responsibly actually. I am entitled to no if the child is mine and am seeking ways to find that out. It wouldn't be very responsible to just blindly raise a child if you have legitimate concerns over whether it's yours or not, raising another mans potential child and putting your head in the sand over the incident should not be seen as "manning up" it should be seen as idiotic.

.

Your missing the point completely, manning up could also be talking directly to your ex about all the options. Tell her you want a DNA test to make sure its your child and the reasons you want it, its the only mature way to approach this at this stage.

You are both in this and have created this flipped up situation but this is no longer about you or your ex there is a child to consider so you need to get your **** together. Wether you like it or not the pair of you have to sort this out quickly and the only way is to be honest with each other if you cant do that then no amount of advice is going to help you.

Moonbeam

Presume that she is telling the truth..

You need to know -
Show an interest,this will also help you know if she is telling the truth.
What hospital is she attending?Is she going private or public?has her gp confirmed the pregnancy?
Do the dates mach up?

Sit down together what is done is done now,discuss things civilly maybe over dinner in an open space like a restaurant.

You sound like you may need to see a counciller too so go make an appointment with one.

Congrats you are going to be a dad:) It is not easy but is brilliant and now is the time that it starts.

implausible

Moonbeam wrote: »

Show an interest,this will also help you know if she is telling the truth.
What hospital is she attending?Is she going private or public?has her gp confirmed the pregnancy?
Do the dates mach up?

This.

A lot of men are very ignorant of cycles and dates etc, so it's very important that you educate yourself and find out how far on she is (remembering that doctors count the two weeks (approx) before conception as weeks pregnant). Go to the GP with her to confirm it if necessary. As already mentioned, if you were seeing other people, it's not unreasonable to ask for a DNA test.

If the baby exists and is yours, then you can be involved in his/her life without having to be in a relationship with your ex. You can get joint custody, have the child living with you part-time etc. Your parents could act as go-betweens if necessary.