Cant confront friends , is that normal?

LegacyUser

Hi
I just said Id post here to see can anyone else relate to this, or better still, give me advice on dealing with it.

Basically, Im not a push over in general, I will also stand my ground if confronted by a stranger, or someone I dont know that well. I just dont feel too much fear or discomfort in that situation. Especially if the person is particularly aggressive, which sounds ironic. But I guess its easier when they're like that, because its a bit funnier and less awkward.

However, when it comes to friends, if its not something serious, I have terrible trouble bringing it up . Now I only mean small things, but its the small things that feel like a bigger deal, because you are unsure whether to bring them up or not.

Overall I am happy to have solid friends , where none of us take advantage of each other. I have two good friends, one of whom I live with, and whenever that awkward thing needs to be said, i.e. any form of genuine confrontation, I just find it difficult to do it, and I refuse to go down the passive aggressive route which so many people end up doing.

In this particular example, Hes a great mate, we have lots in common, we are probably too alike, but if theres something that needs to be addressed that is somewhat accusing etc, I just find it really really hard. Its possible we have been too bloody nice to each other our whole lives. The rare times I do its not easy, he gets awkward , theres also a level of stubborness which is impossible to penetrate. Even though he doesnt react agressively, Theres no "ok yea fair enough"

But as tempting as it is, to blame him, Its not just him, theres others too, Id even say its the same with my family, theres never confrontation amongst us. Not since we were kids.
I find it difficult with certain mates, especially the more "nice" mates. (I say that cause me and my mates in our job have absolutely no trouble giving out to each other even though we get on well)

Is it normal? Or have I just set myself up throughout my years to make things like this difficult for myself by simply not doing them enough?

Thanks in advance for the advice

Pebbles68

Stop thinking about "confronting" people. Just because you have a different opinion or want something different doesn't mean things have to become confrontational or end up in a row. Stop being afraid to express your view. If they really are your friends they will listen to you and respect what you have to say. And remember, how you express yourself is very important. If you come across aggressive that's what you'll get back. So calmly state your case or ask for what you want. You may be surprised with the outcome.

blatantrereg

It's not abnormal anyway. You're probably wary of upsetting them or upsetting things between you. You dont care about things like that with aggressive strangers.

LegacyUser

Pebbles68 wrote: »

Stop thinking about "confronting" people. Just because you have a different opinion or want something different doesn't mean things have to become confrontational or end up in a row. Stop being afraid to express your view. If they really are your friends they will listen to you and respect what you have to say. And remember, how you express yourself is very important. If you come across aggressive that's what you'll get back. So calmly state your case or ask for what you want. You may be surprised with the outcome.

Agree completely with the above.
If you start off with "You are always..." you'll end up in an argument as they pull out instances of when they did not do something and you pull out instances of when they did.
However you can address the exact same issue by phrasing it as "What you did there made me feel...."
Someone can't argue with how you feel. You are the only one who knows how you feel! You are not asking for an apology or trying to force them to change. But if they continue the annoying behaviour you know clearly that they are disregarding your feelings.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks the advice folks
Pebbes and agreed: Maybe "confront" is a bad word about the situation, because its not that Im expecting a big row, as a matter of fact its the opposite, it would be nearly easier if rows were the norm.
The people I find hardest to do this with are people who I never row with. As I said, me and my mates in work have no issue arguing from time to time, 2 hours later we dont give a crap and all is forgotten.

Its more like the situation is far more "sensitive" in my own head, and my fear is that thing will be really awkward.
Its an unhealthy aspect of some of my friendships. Ive no one to blame but myself, but what can you do!!


blatantrereg: Thanks, you are right, thats my fear, buts its a ridiculous fear,but yea I dont think its abnormal.


Sunflower, thanks for the tips,and theres some solid advice there, i.e just do it, but tbh I really really dont like this advice:
"but sometimes you need to say something - and making a joke out of it and making them feel somewhat foolish is a nice little technique."

Its incredibly passive aggressive, I HATE when people do that to me, because all I see is someone who is trying to make their point, but doesnt want to have to deal with it themselves. So instead they just leave the other person hanging and feeling like crap.
The reason I dont like it is because I have another friend who is 10 times worse than me when it comes to not confronting people, and from time to time he'll do something like that instead of just saying it, or worse still , he'll carry out an action that sort of "tells" the person its bothering him but wont just say it, so your left sitting there confused, and frustrated.
Its just not on, its kind of the reason I started the thread, because Im just not able to do that to someone else, Id rather deal with the fear of just bringing things straight up.

bain_triail_as

There is some information on assertiveness if try here: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/assertive/SR00042.

There are books on assertiveness available as well - enquire at your library or bookshop.

Would you believe that paying a compliment to a person involves assertiveness ?

You don't have to be in a conflict situation to be assertive.

And expressing an opinion that goes against the accepted opinion is a good way to practice this skill - I think the whole subject should be taught and practiced at school.