Devastated

littlesista

I just broke up with my partner of 19 years.
He is my best friend. As soon as we broke up all the tension between us went and we started getting on well again together. the majority of our friends are mutual and we do a lot of the same stuff so not seeing him ever again is impossible. Its so painful right now its hard to get through the day. He has moved out and this is my first week alone in the house we bought together.

We weren't getting on well at all. My job makes me miserable and lonely whereas his is his dream job. I was sick for the last 2 years which made me fatigues and tired and didn't help matters.

We both agree that the spark is gone and that we became pals rather than lovers.

I wonder if after 19 years together this is inevitable and its companionship that's the crucial thing rather than the physical aspect. I don't know if either of us will meet anyone else that is just so easy to be with.

I feel that we could make a go of it if we changed a few things in our lives..and maybe if i was happier in work and life in general. I know that he does not feel the same and is all talk about his future and saving to buy a house for himself. He still wants to see me and hang out with me as a friend but im finding it painful to see him.

Question is......whats a relationship supposed to look like after 19 years ? Should we still be thinking of each other as best friends ? Should we not see each other at all ?

OakeyDokey

If there is no hard feeling then you should make a go at being friends. As times passes by you might find that you still want to be together and then give it a go. The only problem I can see is if one of you started seeing someone new, whether it's you or himself I think it's best to be subtle about it. The best thing you can do is give it some time.

There is no real way a relationship has to look after an amount of time! It's how both you feel that should decide what to do.

littlesista

Thanks for your replies. It does help a lot.

This morning I'm thinking I should stop seeing him as a friend, no matter how painful or lonely that'll be for both of us.

I don't know is he seeing me to keep me from being lonely, if he feels guilty, if he's using me for company or what, but I might say to him today that I don't want to see him for a while. Very hard for me because that leaves me alone 24/7. We were always by each others side which didn't leave much room for other friends.

Smashhits

Hi OP

So sorry you're going through this.

I know exactly how you're feeling, broke up with my ex after 18 years. Only difference is we had kids so the lonliness isn't as bad for me.

I want to tell you that things do get better. Now is a time for you to concentrate on yourself. Get back in touch with your friends, start going to groups/clubs. Fill your time so you won't be wondering what he's doing.

I totally agree with what Sunflower said about counselling, it helps you cope with this huge change in your life. It may also throw up some suggestions on how you can fix this feeling about your job and how you can change it.

Accept how you are feeling, you need to leave all these emotions out.

Look after yourself.

Daisy M

I dont think there is any set rule for what a relationship should be like after 19 years but I think the one thing that is a must is that both people are happy with the relationship and where its at. It doesnt sound as if either of you were happy.
Can you get away for a while or stay elsewhere? I cant imagine that you living in the house you both shared is easy on you, you are surrounded by memories whereas your ex is making a clean start. Keep seeing your mutual friends and start trying to develop your own interests. Its early days be kind to yourself. Take care.