Really worried about depressed friend

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I could really do with some advice about a friend that I'm really worried about. I don't know what I should be doing and I was hoping someone reading this might have some good insight.

I'm living abroad in Canada for the last few years, as are some of my good college friends. One of these friends made a quick decision to leave and go back to Ireland in recent weeks, and will do so in just over a month. I know he's been feeling a bit low lately, so last night we met up and had a chat.

Just to paint a picture of my friend - he is a real live wire, a life-and-soul-of-the-party type of guy, really active, really funny and highly highly intelligent. He lives an active life, has many hobbies, lots of friends and is loved by everyone. He's also pretty sporty, works out a lot and eats well. He's creative and very talented.

However, he's deeply, deeply depressed and has been for some time now - on and off for years.

On some level I knew that he was prone to depressive episodes, I sort of read between the lines of some comments he's made over the years, but I had no idea it was to the extent it is.

When we started talking about it last night, the first thing he said to me was 'I don't want to be here anymore'. I asked, 'in Canada?' and he said, 'no, here'. As in, he doesn't want to live anymore. That scared the hell out of me.

He's been going through a really, really tough time in the last few months and he has been seeing a therapist but it doesn't seem to be having much of a positive impact. He's happy to be talking about it - as apparently he's been suffering with these episodes on and off for years, and never really dealt with it - but he said it's not doing anything to eliminate the dark, heavy feeling he gets every morning when he wakes up and that lasts all day. He told me he doesn't see the point in doing anything anymore, he's only going through the motions and doing what he thinks he should be doing, but getting no joy out of life whatsoever.

He's also recently been badly burned in the romance department - he really fell for someone in a short space of time but it turns out it was just a fling to that person, they didn't want anything more and he was mistreated a little in the end. He's obsessing over this and completely miserable being single. I should mention that he's gay - he's been out for years and this isn't an issue for him; what is an issue, however, is the prospect of meeting someone. He told me he's cripplingly lonely and sick of getting his hopes up with guys, only to have them knocked again. He hasn't had a relationship yet, lots of dating and flings etc but nothing meaningful, and this seems to be a major source of pain for him.

I don't know why I'm writing all of this down. I suppose I'm just worried to the point of not knowing what the right thing to say or do for him is. I feel a little out of my depth, but I also have this foreboding feeling about this and can't bear the thought of anything happening to him. I don't know how I would get through the day if anything did, that I knew the pain he was in and did nothing. I tried to reason with his thinking on things, being single for example, but he just seems to be so far gone in his thought patterns and depression that nothing I said had an impact. I'd like to think that listening and empathising helped, but in reality he's been doing that with a therapist for the past few months and getting nowhere.

I'm really worried and to be honest, a little bit scared. His time here is limited and once he's back in Ireland, I won't have the same opportunity to help him or keep an eye on him...but what should I be doing now? Calling and texting him regularly? Taking him out for dinner? Calling around to his place as often as possible?

Any advice would really really be appreciated.

tittle mouse

First and fooremost your friend should definately change therapist as the one he has doesnt seem to be doing any good.

Unfortunately people deep in depression often say they dont "want to be here anymore" what they really mean is they dont want to feel the way they're feeling anymore and see life as pointless.

Theyre are a number of treatments he can try such as cognitive behavior. Something i found brilliant was writting a personal diary. Id write how id be feeling that day and if i was having a bad day i would consider was there a trigger for the way i was feeling...sometimes there was and sometimes there wasnt. When i was feeling good id write down the positive things in my life and then on my bad days i could read it and realise the way i was feeling would pass.

I find going for a walk and appriciating my surroundings helped because it made me feel alive. Your friend needs to realise that depression is a number of horrible emotions sadness, anxiety, fear and helpnessness but the great thing about emotions is they can change so even though you could be at breaking point today, tomorrow can be better.

He should consider seeing a doctor, sometimes depression can be so overwhelming that its hard to see outside the fog of dispair. He needs to see that suicide is not the answer.

You sound like a fantastic friend and hes very lucky to have you All you can do is be there and set up skype to keep in contact. Have yee any mutual friends in Ireland that can be there for your friend when he comes back?

Sorry i couldnt be of more help but i wish ou and your friend all the best