Wife wants to give marriage another go for the kids sake

LegacyUser

My wife and I over the past few years had some big marriage issues, he was abusive for the past year and one day out of the blue I met another woman in a similar situation, I made contact with her and we started a relationship 

My purposely started to be cold towards my wife, she said herself that we should separate.  

My wife found out She told our kids that I was seeing someone else, I told her not to include them in it

she applied for a barring order on the basis that I was verbally abusive and scared her and the kids which I did not, she dropped it anyway then she got a 2nd one where she said a knife was missing from the home and she said she was in fear of her life, she found the knife and dropped the order

She refused to let me see the kids, our eldest daughter whose 12 does not want to see me

My wife has lost touch with reality she blames me for outrageous things, she blames her behaviours on post natal depression

She wants e400 a week maintanience including the mortgage and rent and bill 

Now she wants me to come back to the marriage saying that I'm to go to the gp and get medication for depression and not to mess up the kids

I don't want to go back to her at the same time I want her and the kids to be happy, if I was to go back for the sake of the kids it would be a false marriage, I just don't know what to do, we're living apart for 3 months now and I've only seen one of my two kids once in that period

She's making threats to destroy me if I don't go back to the marriage she's using the kids as leverage 

I'm very confused and stressed 

cooranig23

sounds like a horrible wife

why not meet someone else and start a new family

Abi

Veryconfusedandstressed wrote: »

My wife and I over the past few years had some big marriage issues, he was abusive for the past year and one day out of the blue I met another woman in a similar situation, I made contact with her and we started a relationship 

My purposely started to be cold towards my wife, she said herself that we should separate.  

My wife found out She told our kids that I was seeing someone else, I told her not to include them in it

she applied for a barring order on the basis that I was verbally abusive and scared her and the kids which I did not, she dropped it anyway then she got a 2nd one where she said a knife was missing from the home and she said she was in fear of her life, she found the knife and dropped the order

She refused to let me see the kids, our eldest daughter whose 12 does not want to see me

My wife has lost touch with reality she blames me for outrageous things, she blames her behaviours on post natal depression

She wants e400 a week maintanience including the mortgage and rent and bill 

Now she wants me to come back to the marriage saying that I'm to go to the gp and get medication for depression and not to mess up the kids

I don't want to go back to her at the same time I want her and the kids to be happy, if I was to go back for the sake of the kids it would be a false marriage, I just don't know what to do, we're living apart for 3 months now and I've only seen one of my two kids once in that period

She's making threats to destroy me if I don't go back to the marriage she's using the kids as leverage 

I'm very confused and stressed 

You made up your mind about your wife, you said you don't want to be with her. If you go back it will only confuse matters and you will be back to square one.

Go to your local district court offices and make an application for access to your kids. Her threats to destroy you are coming from hurt and the sense of rejection she feels. maintenance is decided in court both incomes and expenditures are taken into account, and the fairest contribution will be asked of you.

You need to get the ball rolling on this one, find out all of your rights. It sounds like your heading for a judicial separation, time to find yourself a good solicitor.

Ickle Magoo

coonranig23, please see the warning you have been given HERE and read the forum charter before posting again.

aujopimur

See a family blaw solicitor, if you can't afford one you may qualify for legal aid.
Judging by your marital history go straight for a divorce, a seperation will only involve more hassle and expense.

LegacyUser

She's now saying she loves me and begging me to come back to the marriage, I just don't love her anymore I want her to be happy and not upset

She's really messing with my head, calling me and saying to come back for her and the kids, she said she can't function without me, that if I come back things will be different she will do everything for me to make me happy

I'm caught as I'm in love with someone else and were planning a life together

I hate when she calls as she's so nice on the phone and begging me to return

I would prefer if she was nasty at least I would know where I stood

Taltos

Veryconfusedandstressed wrote: »

I just don't love her anymore I want her to be happy and not upset

This right here is the only reason you really need to stay away. Since you don't love her you should not even consider going back - that will just lead to a frustrated and angry life - horrible both for you and the kids

Veryconfusedandstressed wrote: »

She's really messing with my head, calling me and saying to come back for her and the kids, she said she can't function without me, that if I come back things will be different she will do everything for me to make me happy

Do you really expect her to say anything else?
Irrespective look back at the first quote - since you don't love her this really is a non-argument.

Veryconfusedandstressed wrote: »

I'm caught as I'm in love with someone else and were planning a life together
I hate when she calls as she's so nice on the phone and begging me to return
I would prefer if she was nasty at least I would know where I stood

The cynical side of me thinks that the fact that you are with someone else now and clearly happy is the only reason she is getting in touch.
Worst case it is to mess with your head and ruin your current relationship. Best case she misguidely thinks she has changed but dollars to donuts in 6 months time she will be back to her old tricks and you will be in the horrors at what you have agreed to....

Stay calm - let no-one force you into doing anything you don't want. And actually once she starts this emotional blackmail I would just either stop listening or just hang up. Eventually she will get the message - but you cannot for one second show any weakness here. Stay strong and for gawds sake try to live a happy life without her, time really does fly - do you really want to be stuck back in a marriage that you couldn't bear so much?

LegacyUser

Thank you for your replies

I feel very guilty over the whole thing, have I made the right decision should I go back for the kids and to make her happy

My head is all over the place

Taltos

Her happiness is her responsibility - not yours.

She chose to behave the way she did that prompted your exit from the relationship.
You are with someone else now that makes you happy with none of that messing.

It is totally natural to feel guilty due to the kids - but don't. Imagine the hell you will put them through if you go back - and then find out she is the same old abusive self - either you will stick it out for them (they will be miserable) or you will leave again (and they will be miserable).

Do all you can to give them some stability - keeping appointments for custody etc and letting them know they are loved but you have to clearly draw a line under that failed relationship and let her know that nothing will change your mind - for one it is not fair on your current partner...

Abi

Taltos is correct OP, it would be a big mistake to go back. You wouldn't be the first to feel guilty when there are children involved. I don't think you'll be doing them any favours in the long run if you go back.

Do not give into her emotional and financial blackmail, she needs to get counselling because she is not dealing with the break up rationally, and this will effect the kids. Why is your daughter not speaking to you by the way? I assume it was something the mother has said to her?

Payton

I agree totally with Taltos, you really need to focus on you. She is playing mind games, but if you know you done nothing wrong in the relationship well you cannot be held responsible for what she done.
Walk away from her, you seemed to have moved on and found love again.
You have made the right move, just give it time and when the waters clear you'll understand.
Best of luck.

Juza1973

Consider carefully your position. Going back would be a big sacrifice, if you want to do it you have to make sure that it not a useless one. She would need to accept to change her attitude and find with you a way to go on. At the moment she doesn't seem to be willing to do that, and the risk is to create more suffering. Don't accept any threats, moral or otherwise.

Morag

Please get in touch with Amen.ie

LegacyUser

I met my wife yesterday with the kids, she taking the seperation very bad, she's lost weight and she's very stressed, she told me she's sorry for all the things she said and did

She wants me to come back to the marriage

I feel very guilty and sad I just don't know what to do, I want her to be happy but im seeing someone else and were serious and I don't want to hurt her

This is very messy and I wish I could stay with them both I know that can't be done, there are times I wish I stayed at the marriage despite all when I see her this way

Taltos

Guilt is a huge motivator. Something alot of people use to get others to do something they want.

Lets break it all down for a minute.
1. You are in a new relationship.
2. You are happy in this relationship.
3. Your wife is still the same person you left - i.e. history will repeat itself.
4. Going back now and later breaking up again or staying for the children will just mess those children around.

Look - I am not sure how else to say this but for a second just think of the kids and only the kids. Children need (demand) stability.
Staying separated - this is something you can give them.
Going back - in the long run my belief is when it falls apart again and I think it will you will just mess those kids around.

Guilt is natural - what you have to do now is accept that guilt.
Accept that you are only responsible for you and your children and the relationship you are in now.
Your wife's inability to deal with you standing up to her and leaving is something she will have to deal with herself.

Can I suggest that you cut all contact with her - pick up / drop off the children but do all you can not to have to meet her again - why - well she knows exactly how to push your buttons - clearly it is working.

In my opinion - based on the little information you have given us I think it would be a huge mistake to go back. Easy for me to say I know - but I really believe it. However - only you can make this decision for yourself - do you mess up your current partner to "try" at this marriage again - and risk messing your kids and yourself about even more or do you stand firm and say "no - this is now our life"....

hondasam

Veryconfusedandstressed wrote: »

I met my wife yesterday with the kids, she taking the seperation very bad, she's lost weight and she's very stressed, she told me she's sorry for all the things she said and did

She wants me to come back to the marriage

I feel very guilty and sad I just don't know what to do, I want her to be happy but im seeing someone else and were serious and I don't want to hurt her

This is very messy and I wish I could stay with them both I know that can't be done, there are times I wish I stayed at the marriage despite all when I see her this way

Your wife might deserve another chance and it seems to me you still have some feelings for her. This other woman, how long are you seeing her?
I would not recommend going back for the children or because you feel guilty or sorry for your wife but if you think there is some hope then give it a chance.
I'm not sure moving back home is the right thing but maybe meeting for a few hours every day and helping out with the kids and see if your wife has changed.
I would suggest counselling for both of ye to see if there is some hope of saving the marriage. Every one deserves a second chance but if there is no love there, then you have to accept it and move on.
good luck with what ever you decide.

LegacyUser

My wife has accused me of stealing from her house so she has made a summons for a barring order, etc

She has changed the kids school, moved house without me knowing and our daughter made her communion last week and I was not invited

She send me a text saying that she is getting guardianship and if I try to get it she will report me for something illegal I did 8 years ago it was a minor thing

I've decided to give up, I'm going to give up my guardianship, custody and not look for access or visitation I'm not going to court and for the barring order summons I'll get a sick cert u just can't go to court

I just don't care anymore and want to walk away from them all

Taltos

OP - please don't make any rash decisions here, they will haunt you for the rest of your life. Just think say what 15 or 20 years down the line your daughter is getting married and doesn't invite you because she thinks you just didn't care enough...

Take today and tomorrow to think things through, but then meet with a solicitor and make a full disclosure on everything - get their advice on whether this is a battle you can win or if you will come out worse.

Log it all down - go in prepared - dates, times everything - include anything you think she can use against you; also include all of the recent correspondence where she begged you to come back to her....
Right now she is behaving in an extremely cruel and unreasonable way just because you stuck to your guns. A clear message if one was needed that you made the right choice.

Now - seriously try to get out for some air, make out a plan and do what you can to get some visitation rights.

By not turning up to court all you are really saying is "yes I am guilty" - don't be that guy - turn up with your current partner - well presented and with legal representation - judges are not fools - they know a made up story when they hear one - but only when they get a chance to hear both sides.

LegacyUser

Ive contacted my wife and told her I'm giving up my guardianship and access rights to the kids I just can't go on like this any more

I'm past the point if carring I've told her I'm not going to court, she can have what she wants I just don't care

Morag

Again please, please for your own sake get in touch with Amen.ie

Amen Helpline: 046 9023 718, Email: info@amen.ie
AMEN, St. Anne's Resource Centre, Railway Street, Navan, Co. Meath

friendlylady

Please don't walk away from your precious children, your wife is a different matter and sounds very cruel, do you want her to have sole rights in rearing them? They need someone more balanced. Write letters to them explaining your position and tell them how much you love them, it's important. Remember they have done nothing wrong. Don't give up on them they are worth fighting for, as for your wife, walk away and stay away.

Payton

Sharrow wrote: »

Again please, please for your own sake get in touch with Amen.ie

Amen Helpline: 046 9023 718, Email: info@amen.ie
AMEN, St. Anne's Resource Centre, Railway Street, Navan, Co. Meath

I have dealt with Amen, they are fantastic, give them a call please.
Don't give up, your children need you now more than anything. By the sounds of it your wife is not coping too well with thing and your children NEED someone stable and strong to be there for them and I believe that person is you. You have a responsibility to them, don't give up because in years to come they will thank you for being there for them.
Life is never easy but we do the best we can with what we have. Don't let your children slip away from your life and leave them in a horrible environment.

cgh

OP. the chips are down and you are at a very low point right now,
you feel like giving up. listen to all this good advice your been given.
take a a few days to think this through.
it seems to me your wife is manipulating you and its working.
you need to take back control of your life. your kids are part of your life.
trust me see a solicitor and go from there.
they will be a great help and will probably show you that your wife is completely in the wrong with plenty of what she is doing.
dont throw your kids away. you will regret it in time to come.

Abi

This is such a sad situation for both you and your children. But please please listen to others advice and fight for your kids! You will only regret it if you don't. What a truly awful mother she is, to alienate a doting father from his own children. The manipulation and bribery is just sickening.

Fight for those kids, call her bluff on her threat. What a truly foul human being she is.

Sleepy

OP, find a mirror, look into it and ask the person you see what sort of man abandons his children to someone he knows is abusive.

Then contact amen.ie and learn how to fight for them.