Girlfriend has depression.

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm not sure if I have the right place to discuss this, if not I apologise.

I've been with my girlfriend for a little over 3 years now. She's in her mid twenties and basically she has depression. I'm not sure how severe it is but we both have talked about it and we both know its a big issue. It all started about two years before we met. She would just feel down for no particular reason, spend days in bed, miss college and not go out. She eventually got herself out of it. It resurfaced it's head then again about a year and a half ago. She fell out with a lot of her friends from school, she got really down about this which I can understand but she hasn't pulled herself out of it this time. It's actually getting worse and worse.

She gets irritated easily, very very indecisive, can't spend time alone and doesnt know whether she is coming or going most of the time. This has put a massive strain on our relationship. We both love each other but a lot of the time she doesn't really show it because of these factors. She gets really down and questions everything she is doing with her life. She cannot make decisions, sometimes she's not even sure about us, then the next day she will be madly in love again. It has just all left me in limbo.

I don't want out. I want to help her through this. Basically I was wondering what is the best way to deal with this? Where is the best place for help and should I read into her saying sometimes that maybe she doesn't want a relationship. She sometimes says, "how can I love someone else when I dont even love myself"? Any help or advice would be really great.

Thanks for reading.

Princess Peach

Has she ever gotten help for it, couselling, medication or seen a doctor? You said she has been suffering for a few years now so not sure what she has done about it.

If she is not getting help you should advise her to do so. Her GP would be the first stop. It might be hard if she is not ready yet, just assure her how supportive you are and how much you care. Maybe try a few websites that have info on family and friends of sufferers, aware.ie might have some?

I know its hard for you because you can feel quite helpless. The best you can do for her is to be supportive, listen to her, ask her questions.

I think from what she says she does want to be in the relationship, she just feels so bad about herself. Try and help her get through this and hopefully things will get better for her and your relationship.

The Lovely Muffin

Hi OP,

I myself suffer with depression so I understand how your girlfriend feels.

I had and still have those days when you feel so low all you want to do is stay inside and sleep or mope around.

To get help for your girlfriend, your girlfriend has to want to help herself, she needs to decide whether she wants help and if she does she needs to go to her GP and talk to them.

Her GP will then either give her medication or refer her to a counsellor/psychologist.

I know when my doctor first diagnosed me with depression, it scared me and when he referred me to a psychologist that scared me even more.

If your girlfriend doesn't want to help herself, there isn't much you can do really, you can't force her to go to her doctor or to a psychologist or anything, she needs to want to do that herself.

Just be there for her and reassure her.

I know it can be very, very draining and tiring, but the best thing you can do for your girlfriend is to be there for her, reassure her and encourage her to get the help she needs.

Also, if your girlfriend decides to go to a psychologist/counsellor privately she doesn't need a referral from her doctor/gp, she can contact her psychologist/counsellor herself and arrange to see them. It is quite expensive to go privately though, I was quoted €160 and I am based in a small-ish town in the midlands, if you are in Dublin or another big city you'd have a wider choice of counsellers/psychologists so could shop around for the best price.

If your girlfriend decides to go publicly, she is looking at a waiting list of one year, maybe longer.

I know when I was first referred I was told it would be eighteen months before I'd be seen. Recently when I asked my go for a re-referral I was told it'd be two years before I'd be seen.

Charlie24

I have being suffering with all the same things you decribe your girlfriend having. It's a struggle for me and my boyfriend also. I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years and I have worn him out metally, still he says he wants to make are relationship work he is a angle in my eye's. Saying that when I get depressed usually after drinking which makes it worse for me I would fight with him and tell him I did't love him and tell him i wanted to be alone. I think its because he is a conifdent guy who makes friends easily has a great social life because of his work. I am ok with people when I frist meet them but can't hold a relationship together. I have be on light anti depressants and had some counseling which helped a lot.
I stoped going after a month as I was feeling better. I would recommend you advise her to talk to her gp and he will advise he to talk to someone I was with Targat counseling which I will use again because I am down again it's a on going battle with my thoughts getting motivated I would also say if you could take her out to do some form of exercise one way she will feel you are helping her. Best of luck :-)

squishykins

Hey OP,
when you say your girlfriend got herself out of it, did she seek help or did things just pick up? I've been (and kind of still am) in her situation. I found it really hard to ask for help because my doc didn't listen to me, it took me years to go back to one. But my bf kept talking to me about it, and actually came to the docs with me and gave his account, explaining why he thought I needed help too because I found it hard to get the words out myself. Turns out I have a seratonin deficiency and it was so, so easy to fix.

Like The Lovely Muffin has said, you can't force her to go, it took my bf a few months to convince me to. Just keep letting her know you're there for her, keep her talking, and perhaps most importantly, don't let it get to you too much. It can be really tough supporting someone who is depressed, especially when you're the main/sole confidante. I hope things pick up soon

LegacyUser

Thank you for all the replies.

In response to a lot of your questions. Yes, she does want help. She just has never seeked it before. I suppose she is afraid that once she goes and the doctor confirms it then it is official. I just want to help her. I want my girlfriend to be happy in her own skin. I know it won't happen over night but I want her to get on the road to recovery.

I can understand the mood swings, the up and downs. What gets me is when she thinks that maybe we're not right for each other, when she thinks maybe she should be single and then turns around the next day or a few days later and says she loves me. I just don't knwo whether this is the depression or what it is. It makes me feel really insecure about our relationship. If it is just a side effect then I can deal with it.

LegacyUser

Hey OP.

My wife occasionally gets a bit down. I wouldn't say she gets depressed exactly and it doesn't last a long, long time most of the times. But the one time it was particularly bad, all I did was supported her like you're doing now. She got a referral from her GP for some counselling and I paid for the sessions as one of the things that stresses her is thinking about money.

So if she's willing to get help, you're well on the way. Try to gently prod her to take that step and go to her GP and just continue to support her. It is hard to be on the other side and feel under-appreciated but you have to keep reminding yourself that it's not really what she thinks, it's just a byproduct of the illness. Also, don't beat yourself up for feeling bad about being treated that way sometimes. You have feelings too and it's important not to completely bottle everything up yourself because your OH has problems.

squishykins

worriedbf wrote: »

Thank you for all the replies.

In response to a lot of your questions. Yes, she does want help. She just has never seeked it before. I suppose she is afraid that once she goes and the doctor confirms it then it is official. I just want to help her. I want my girlfriend to be happy in her own skin. I know it won't happen over night but I want her to get on the road to recovery.

I can understand the mood swings, the up and downs. What gets me is when she thinks that maybe we're not right for each other, when she thinks maybe she should be single and then turns around the next day or a few days later and says she loves me. I just don't knwo whether this is the depression or what it is. It makes me feel really insecure about our relationship. If it is just a side effect then I can deal with it.

It is scary, but for me anyway, it was such a relief when I knew that it wasn't just who I was, and there was something that could be done. If she is worried about the label/what others will think, just keep reminding her that the most important thing is that she is happy, and it does get better. She sounds like she has great support anyway

I can't speak for your girlfriend, but from my own experience I did the same thing. It was horrible and mean and I never meant a word of it. Not once. I did think he'd be better finding a more "normal" person because I was so much to handle, but by God I never actually wanted him to leave!

Princess Peach

worriedbf wrote: »

Thank you for all the replies.

In response to a lot of your questions. Yes, she does want help. She just has never seeked it before. I suppose she is afraid that once she goes and the doctor confirms it then it is official. I just want to help her. I want my girlfriend to be happy in her own skin. I know it won't happen over night but I want her to get on the road to recovery.

I can understand the mood swings, the up and downs. What gets me is when she thinks that maybe we're not right for each other, when she thinks maybe she should be single and then turns around the next day or a few days later and says she loves me. I just don't knwo whether this is the depression or what it is. It makes me feel really insecure about our relationship. If it is just a side effect then I can deal with it.

It will be so much easier for her to work through this with your support, trust me on that! I had a boyfriend before who just didn't want to hear about so I would never talk about it. It was awful for me to feel like I had to hide it or something. My new boyfriend is so supportive, always asks how I am, how counselling is going, wants to cheer me up when I'm down. You should be proud for making the post in the first place, she is lucky to have you

squishykins wrote: »

I can't speak for your girlfriend, but from my own experience I did the same thing. It was horrible and mean and I never meant a word of it. Not once. I did think he'd be better finding a more "normal" person because I was so much to handle, but by God I never actually wanted him to leave!

I have said the same thing so many times before! Get yourself a "normal" girl! Again only making assumptions here but she probably just feels like a burden to you. The fact that she says other days she wants to be with you probably means she does. Talk to her about it. Reassure her you want to help her through this, ask her if she really wants your help. She is probably feeling just as insecure in the relationship as you are, just because she thinks she is dragging you down. Ye should both talk about it and tell each other how you really feel, and what you both plan on doing for each other while she works through this.

LegacyUser

Again, thank you for the comments, appreciate it.

I have no problem helping her through her problems. I'd like to think she'd do the same if the shoe was on the other foot. My only concern, and it's a big one, is that when she says she doesn't know what she wants and that maybe she wants to be single, how much of that is the depression talking and how much is her. She's very indecisive because of the depression, but is she being indecisive about this or is she speaking from the heart. It's tearing me apart to be honest. I don't want to pressurise her but I can't keep being on and off all the time.

knowit12

Hi op.
I have someone close to me with depression and it's not nice , it can be really hard to deal with and sometimes you feel like the victim.
You are a very decent & nice man for standing by her through this, cause I know myself it can be difficult.

Has she seen a doctor and is she on medication ?

If she's not maybe try get her to see a doctor, another idea is a councillor.
The person I know who suffered with depression went to a councillor and it's amazing what talking to people about your problems can do. It helped her a lot.

Try bring her out and do things with her like plenty of walks in the park, cinema etc. if you have mates , try include her in your night out - I understand your mates are YOUR mates but even just every now and again bring her with you.

It might also be a good idea to get her to make her family aware of her illness if they don't already know.
It's good to talk about problems & seek the right help.