Am I over-reacting?

LegacyUser

I am married 2 kids , 5 and 15 months.
Wife breastfed and sleeps in another room ,1st child for 2 years and is still breastfeeding the second.
While this works well for them I feel neglected.
Sex is infrequent maybe twice a month and always at my asking.It feels like a chore to keep me quiet.
I feel that any affection is spared for them and my role is the breadwinner,cleaner, taxi man all round dogsbody not loved husband.I have given up a lot of my social activities to look after my kids and don't deny them anything.

Wife gave up work to be a mother, at which she excels.
I have tried to talk but am just pooh poohed and told it is normal to be jealous when a mother is breastfeeding....read in a book apparently....
I work early in the morning and have complained that I am woken too often by the night feeds and have asked for change but am told that I will have to put up with it until self weaning starts!!!

Am fed up... any advive

Neyite

So your wife is on the clock 24/7 with regard to feeding, and has been for the last 15 months??. And you complain about getting woken too often during the night?? I can only assume that she moved into the spare room to accomodate feeding while trying not to disturb your precious sleep.

I would suggest that you offer to help her out more with your own children but you seem to feel like you are doing plenty, in terms of working and cleaning and driving. If she is exhausted by the hours she puts in with the children I dont blame her if sex is the last thing she is thinking of.

Sorry, but if you were married to me, you'd be very lucky to be getting the ride off me twice a month.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

Sorry, but if you were married to me, you'd be very lucky to be getting the ride off me twice a month.

Dear oh dear....words fail me.

Annnnnyway....OP you're caught between a rock and a hard place here. My wife breastfeeds our boy too and I take the spare room, but we have a decent sex life. This arrangement is transient for us...until our boy is a year or so, so I can hack it.

It's just easier for her to have the bed for the two of them. Sure I miss the cuddles but we make up for it at weekends. She's a full-time mum too and I couldn't bear for her to be in work and our lad to be in a nursery.

You really need to talk to her. One thing I realised after having our boy is that most people are idiots. Most people are wrong and make a balls of feeding/raising their children. It's difficult to choose the right way of doing things and problems like this can come up, but embrace it.

Sit down and tell your wife your concerns. I would say she has no idea you are troubled.

LegacyUser

Why not get a breast pump? This is what I did when I had my children. It gave me some much needed rest and also gave my husband the opportunity to feed/bond with them. I think actually breastfeeding children at over 6 months is too much. But understanding the importance and benefits of breastmilk, I pumped until they turned about 2 years. I do not think this situation is fair for both of you, really. 1. You feel neglected 2 Your wife is probably always knackered.

I am sure your wife moved into the other room for your own sake as it is disturbing to be getting up every few hours. I know you work during the week but why not over the weekends help her during these feedings? Sleep in the same room and hand your baby to your wife so she can feed him. Once she is finished you can burp him and change his nappy and put him back to sleep. My husband did that for me and it helped a great deal and he actually loved doing it. Why not take the children over to their grandparents for the day and arrange something for the two of you? Get a babysitter once a week?

I agree with Neyite about maybe helping more. Sorry to say this but some husbands don't realise the work and fatigue associated with breast feeding and child care. My husband at one time was very guilty of this. It was when I decided to go away for the night to go to a hen party. He thought it was going to be nothing. When I got back home he was haggard and the house was upside down! We had to get a cleaning lady and it took her almost a week to clean the entire house! So he never made sly comments about me staying at home again. He acknowleges the work I do and and he understood why I was not always in the mood. But on the other hand, some mothers are so busy with the children that they end up neglecting their relationship. So this is why it is important for two things: husbands help more and schedule a date night once a week. I always look forward to date nights. Getting dressed up and go out and the topic of our discussions is everything BUT the children. It helps you reconnect and gives you all a much needed break.

Neyite

John Coffee wrote: »

Dear oh dear....words fail me.

I dont understand your point- Maybe you are more hands-on than the OP, thus your wife is more rested and therefore has time for you and her. Raising children is a team effort, but I see no team here in this OP.

The OP says that he has get up early to go to work, come home and do a bit of cleaning and things around the house, and the odd lift here and there. Surely no different than before his 2 very young children came along? Plenty of people do this daily without making a big deal of it. I’m doing it daily and I’m heavily pregnant. He mentions not one single thing that he helps her with regarding the children, so presumably its left totally to her.

What he does do is complain that these children break his sleep occasionally (even though she has moved to the spare room- where else does he want her to go?) and that his wife does not put out as much as she used to. If he can complain about the effect an odd night his own children wake him up, has he not even spared the thought that his wife has had that every.single.night for 15 months? And get up early with the children, and look after them all day, and do housework. Yeah, the last thing on my mind would be ensuring a partner is sexually satisfied if I had all that on my plate.

Sleep deprivation for parents is par for the course. My partner and I have our first child due in 7 weeks, and that’s all any parent has warned us – get the sleep in now because it will be years before we get a decent nights sleep. I think the OP expects that his wife has swapped work for being a mum and that life should go on as before, and maybe even do everything around the house since she is home all day –and I don’t think that is realistic.

Yes, he does need to talk to her. But first he needs to give himself a bit of a reality check. I have a friend who was a stay at home mother, and her husband had a similar view to the OP – often he would imply that she did nothing all day. So she went off for a long weekend with her friends and left him with the kids, and he was not long finding out what “nothing” entails.

Now, having said that, at 15 months, the child should be sleeping through the night, and not needing night feeds. This is something that the OP could look into and discuss with his wife. Expressing milk is harder to do than feeding, and is a wasted effort if the OP does not offer to do his share of parenting.

Daisy M

un reg wrote: »

I am married 2 kids , 5 and 15 months.
Wife breastfed and sleeps in another room ,1st child for 2 years and is still breastfeeding the second.
While this works well for them I feel neglected.
Sex is infrequent maybe twice a month and always at my asking.It feels like a chore to keep me quiet.
I feel that any affection is spared for them and my role is the breadwinner,cleaner, taxi man all round dogsbody not loved husband.I have given up a lot of my social activities to look after my kids and don't deny them anything.

Wife gave up work to be a mother, at which she excels.
I have tried to talk but am just pooh poohed and told it is normal to be jealous when a mother is breastfeeding....read in a book apparently....
I work early in the morning and have complained that I am woken too often by the night feeds and have asked for change but am told that I will have to put up with it until self weaning starts!!!

Am fed up... any advive

How did your wife feed a 15mth old for 2 years? If you are in a separate room how does the night feeds disturb you?

I am a friend

I strongly recommend ye dont have any more kids or else ye will barely know each other. Any reason she cant express milk? IMHO its not healthy for a couple to spend years in separate bedrooms, no matter what the reason / excuse.

ifElseThen

Suck it up man and don't be so selfish. Your wife is giving your kids the best start they can have. Your priority should be them and not your sex life. We have a 2 year old breastfed for a year and a 3 month old who'll also be breastfed for a year. I'd never ever think of whining to my wife about not getting any or the fact that she is loving her children more than me. That's her job as their mother. And your job as the husband and father should be the breadwinner,cleaner, taxi man all round dogsbody not loved husband. Its a short fleeting time that children need such intense care and then after that you'll have all the time in the world for sex.

P. Breathnach

I think it is unhealthy when motherhood greatly interferes with a couple's sex life over a prolonged period. Yes, it can greatly interfere for shortish periods, and marginally interfere for longer periods, but a couple should find a way to look after their own relationship as well as their parental responsibilities. They should both be accommodating - they are supposed to be a partnership.

It should also be borne in mind that some women have a lower libido after childbirth or while breastfeeding. That possibility should be openly acknowledged by both partners, and dealt with with consideration by both of them.

LegacyUser

Op a few things that stand out to me from your post

i am a mother of one for the record.


for the first 6 to 12 months after having a baby i had zero libido, nada, zilch, was not interested in even kissing as i was so tired, my oh did night feeds (bottles) for me and i was still exhausted, as was he. but both of us were on the same page.

you have had two children in a short time which i imagine is twice the length of time we went through with zero libido,and with a 5 month old its to be expected, you went out of one dry period into pregnancy and another. (i am assuming it was a mutual decision to have another child)



while i agree you need to be more understanding of your wifes apparent decision on this (hence your post) i don't believe you should be feeling neglected in the relationship either, it is your relationship too and if you feel neglected it is up to your wife to acknowledge that and help you put it right or at the very least reach a conclusion that suits you both.

when you say "I have tried to talk but am just pooh poohed and told it is normal to be jealous when a mother is breastfeeding"

that is ridiculous, having children does not give her the right to dismiss your feelings like that, its not easy on any parent, and i have heard having two is three times the work, she should be looking for your help or allowing/encouraging you to participate more not dismissing you,

maybe counseling would be an option for you two otherwise you may have lasting problems when the children are grown up.

LegacyUser

Isn't 15 months really old to be requiring night feeds? That child is a toddler.

OP, you;re wife can continue to breastfeed if she likes but supplement with formula. My SiL did that and the babies slept through the night, (long before they were 15 months old).

I am a friend

ifElseThen wrote: »

Your wife is giving your kids the best start they can have.

I personally would think 2 happy parents would be a better start at this stage.

The_fever

I work full time My misuss breast feeds our kids in bed beside me, I would t dream of moving to spare room it's all part and parcel of it, call it bonding.

missis aggie

I believe that your wife did not have a whole night sleep since babies are born because she choose to give them best start for a life? Breastfeeding is normal way of feeding babies and she certainly need support in what she is doing. I would not feed formula for convince of whole night sleep ..

I am a friend

missis aggie wrote: »

I believe that your wife did not have a whole night sleep since babies are born because she choose to give them best start for a life? Breastfeeding is normal way of feeding babies and she certainly need support in what she is doing. I would not feed formula for convince of whole night sleep ..

Why is an 15 month old still waking for night feeds?? Is the baby still sleeping in the room with the mother? How many times a night can a toddler wake for food??

Seriously, something is amiss. I wonder if he / she is actually waking or if there are bigger issues in the marriage i.e. the mother not wanting to share the marital bed.

missis aggie

As I understand she feeds the 5 month at night any way its normal to breastfed at night even 15 month old ... and also for me it looks like sleeping in other room its not only for wife's convenience...

I am a friend

missis aggie wrote: »

As I understand she feeds the 5 month at night any way its normal to breastfed at night even 15 month old ... and also for me it looks like sleeping in other room its not only for wife's convenience...

5 years old and 15 months old.

There are ways around it aka expressing but seems to me like she chooses to sleep in a separate room.