Advice about friend who wants to take her own life

JoJoK

My friend has confided in me that she has a plan to take her own life. Suicide isn't something I would normally agree with - permanent solution to a temporary problem .. but she makes a compelling argument. She has been such a fantastic friend to me that I have gladly put off my own plans for the next few months to support her but I don't really know what to do.

A few years ago she was involved in an accident that has left her incontinent and in unbearable pain most of the time, despite medication, surgery, pain management and all sorts of other therapies and alternative healers.

Before the accident she was an energetic, kind professional with everything to live for - highly respected professional career, great marriage, grown up kids, couple of grand children and they all seemed to get on very well.

She had to leave her well paid job, and now her illness benefit is finished, her husband's work is almost gone because she needs almost full time help so they are going to lose their home, she is distressed about not being able to play with the children or help out her adult children - she was the sort of mother who would do yoga when she got up in the morning, walk the dog, work all day, go to one or other of her kids houses to clean one of their ovens, wash their floors or cut their grass, before going home and cooking dinner for them all, play with the grandkids before going to do 40 laps of the pool while finding time for charitable work too!

Weekends she took the kids off on adventures - she loved all the action, used to say they gave her a new lease on life.

She had had a serious, almost fatal illness a few years ago but bounced back and returned to work in record time, and as a couple they have had their losses but have always worked through and picked herself and got on with life. She is somebody I have deep admiration for and upon whom I and many others used to depend for advice and support.

Now she can barely walk with rollator, can't dress herself, is unable to exercise other than tiny physio moves, hates going anywhere because travelling hurts and the incontinence is a real issue for her.

She says that if she was a dog she would have been put down by now.

We have discussed the great relationship she has with her kids and grandchildren, she's with her husband over 30 years and loves him dearly so have focused on his distress if she kills herself, of as yet unidentified possible cures for the pain she is in, of seeing her grandchildren through school, of all of the people who would be upset if she goes through with it.

She asked her GP about assisted suicide - so GP referred her to a psychiatrist, who put her on strong anti-depressants and referred her to a psychologist, she has also been attending counselling with a well known service who have all been brilliant according to herself. However she still feels that she is just a nuisance and those around her will get over her death and move on. In some ways I suppose she is right about that, although if she goes, I for one will have a huge hole in my life and I know her husband and kids will be devastated, but she is underestimating that.

She says she sees her body now as a trap, that she has spent the past 3 years looking for ways to kill herself that won't stigmatise her family so that they will get the support they need afterwards, and will cause the least distress to whoever finds her. She says when she's lying in bed at night, in agony, or in the morning unable to get up, it's all she thinks about. She says she thinks about it almost constantly and now sees the world as full of suicide possibilities, and has found the perfect way to take her own life while leaving it ambiguous enough that suicide could not be put on the cert and that no-one would know for sure.

She doesn't want to go until her second grandchild has settled into school in September, so says it will be in October. My dilemma is that she has told me what her plans are. She hasn't entrusted the GP, Psychiatrist, Psychologist, or Counsellor with this as she knows they would have to do something to prevent it.

Is she right about this? Can I just be there to support her for the next 6 months and keep my mouth shut when it looks like her death was an unfortunate incident? Or should I give her husband or GP the heads up? I haven't been able to sleep for weeks thinking about this so any advice would gratefully be received. Thanks.

KyussBishop

That is a truely awful and sad situation; I'm sorry she and all of you are faced with that

I can't say with certainty, but it seems possible that if GP's etc. knew they may be compelled to act on it, and possibly section or closely monitor her.


This is certainly a tricky dilemma you are in though, having knowledge of what she plans; I don't think there's a morally foolproof way of evaluating this.

From my point of view, the decision on intervention comes down to whether or not she is in a healthy state of mind to make that decision (EDIT: which on re-reading I don't think she is), but in the end she has the right to make that decision.

Legally, I don't think you are compelled to act (but I am not a lawyer), however, advocating/advising suicide is definitely a crime.


While I have my own opinion on her condition, I'm not sure it's appropriate or right for people to discuss or share their opinion on whether or not she should go ahead with it (especially as it may be legally ambigious if advocating).

Perhaps it would be appropriate to ask her if she would confide with her husband as well?

Victor

I think mention it to the GP.

Sometimes being depressed can be very hard to bear, especially when there are other matter.

Some regular low- to mid-level support will be useful for her.

Taltos

Hi JoJoK.

I am sorry but due to the nature of your issue we have to close your thread.
The posters on the PI forum are not qualified to help with issues of this nature. All we can do is direct you to some of the resources listed on our Charter.

As another poster above pointed out above this could be viewed as a very dangerous grey area for you. It might also be useful for you to get some professional advice.

Please inform your friend's husband and GP immediately.

Sorry we cannot be of more help.
Taltos

Suicide
http://www.nosp.ie/ (national suicide prevention)
1Life Suicide Prevention Helpline - 1800 247 100

Depression / Mental Health
http://www.irish-counselling.ie/
http://www.dublinsamaritans.ie/
http://www.mentalhealthireland.ie/
http://www.grow.ie/
http://www.aware.ie/
http://www.shineonline.ie/
http://www.recover.ie/ (Schizophrenia Ireland)