Anybody got unmarried parents?

missnemo

My parents were never married, my mother wasted a few years on him, she now lives alone, dosnt go out , hasnt been in a long term relationship for as long as i have known. i am 32.

i have only ever met 1 other person whose parents wernt married and i have never really talked about it much to anyone.

basically i think it has had a profound effect on my life. i actually have a child myself , myself and the father are not together anymore.but i find myself putting up with a lot of crap from the father because i dont want him to leave her the way my father left me.

i feel like im turning into my mother and i will never actually get married myself.

just wanted to hear from any other people with unmarried parents...has it effected them at all?

LegacyUser

I have unmarried parents and I think it is actually had a very positive effect on my life. Leaving my father, before I was born, was possible the best thing my mother ever did for me.

My situation is probably very different from yours but my father did not want to have a child, couldn't cope with a child and wasn't prepared to step up to the mark in any respect. He treated my mother, and I know now other women who he was with, very badly. My mother decided to leave him and bring me up alone and it was a great decision for her. I didn't have contact with my dad until I was 19, his decision not hers as she never stopped his from seeing me and he was invited to attend various things in the first few years but never bothered. I do have a half sister from him who I am now close to and he treated her and her mother terrible and was never a proper father to her, I thank god my mother didn't take us down that route.

Like you mother,mine was single for many years while she was bringing me up. She has only started a new relationship over the last few years, although she wound NEVER marry and I doubt she's ever live with a man. Although I think life was a struggle for her when I was young, I had a great upbringing all things considered and would bring my own children up the same.

Do you think maybe the reason you feel you have to put up with stuff from the father of your baby is more because your own father wasn't a good father to you rather then it being about being married or unmarried. I know a good few people who had great relationships with unmarried fathers separated from their mothers. Either way I don't think you should put up with crap from him that you shouldn't, it's not giving your little girls a good example of what to accept in relationships or from other people in general.

David09

missnemo wrote: »

My parents were never married, my mother wasted a few years on him, she now lives alone, dosnt go out , hasnt been in a long term relationship for as long as i have known. i am 32.

i have only ever met 1 other person whose parents wernt married and i have never really talked about it much to anyone.

basically i think it has had a profound effect on my life. i actually have a child myself , myself and the father are not together anymore.but i find myself putting up with a lot of crap from the father because i dont want him to leave her the way my father left me.

i feel like im turning into my mother and i will never actually get married myself.

just wanted to hear from any other people with unmarried parents...has it effected them at all?

My mother is a single parent and by the sounds of it in a similar position to yours. My father ran off when he heard my mother was pregnant and has never acknowledged me so far to this day after 29 years. I know who he is and he knows about me but for what he's worth he's not worth bothering with.

Meller

I don't see how the problem is anything to do with your parents not being married - would they not have been the same people had they been married? Why would things have magically been different just because they were married? Do you think your parents would've felt obligated to stay together, no matter how much time your mother thought she was 'wasting' on your father? Why do you think that that would be any better than the situation that existed?

Whether people are married or not is irrelevant; how good they are as parents is what's important.

It sounds as if you are trying to find a scapegoat for all of your fears/worries about yourself and your life. Your parents not being married is not the root of your problems. Every person and every situation is different and complex, and it is not automatically better for people that their parents are married. You have to decide what's best for you in your circumstances, in your life.

Also, having unmarried parents is common nowadays - your child probably has many peers whose parents are not together or were never married. I'm very surprised you've only ever come across one other person in that situation, ever.

banie01

I find it incredibly hard to believe to believe that you have only met 1 other child of unmarried parents?
Maybe you know many, but they don't make an issue of it?
I myself am a single parent(Not by choice, I'm a Widower)
But I am the child of a single parent. my own mother and father split up when I was @8y.o and I'm thankful for it....
Not only was it the end of a toxic and abusive relationship for her, but if anything rather than compounding my 'footsteps of the parent path'
It showed me the mistakes to avoid, the pitfalls...
You seem fixated on married parents bring something extra to a childs upbringing?
While in ideal world a child will have 2 parents who love, care and provide for them(married or otherwise)
Its much better for a child to be raised by a single parent, than it is for them to be exposed to toxic and possibly abusive relationship(emotional/physical)
Than it is to struggle on as a couple for the sake of the child....
It does much more harm than good if a child grows up seeing that as 'normal' behaviour!

missnemo

my father was good for nothing...im not saying that my mother should have stayed with him.i wish my mother had have taken control of her life, moved on and found someone else. i have never had any kind of father figure in my life.i grew up with the embarressment of that, going into many friends house for the first time, their parents asking whats your daddys name?..and me having no reply. even doing a family tree at school used to fill me with dread because i only had 1 side to fill in.people with married parents will never know how that feels. it is different these days because its become normal...back then it wasnt normal.my mother always told me that nobody wanted her because of me and my brother so that was always a burden that i still carry til this day. i have a half brother...5 years older(who also dosnt give a damn about me). despite this, i had a fairly ok childhood

im not using it as a scapegoat for my own problems. i have never really dwelled on this before ever,ive just fallen into a depression lately where ive started to question everything and why i am the way i am.. my inabilities to trust and form long lasting relationships.

i just wanted to hear other peoples experiences. its not something ive ever talked openly about before.

banie01

missnemo wrote: »

my father was good for nothing...im not saying that my mother should have stayed with him.i wish my mother had have taken control of her life, moved on and found someone else. i have never had any kind of father figure in my life.i grew up with the embarressment of that, going into many friends house for the first time, their parents asking whats your daddys name?..and me having no reply. even doing a family tree at school used to fill me with dread because i only had 1 side to fill in.people with married parents will never know how that feels. it is different these days because its become normal...back then it wasnt normal.

Absolute crap....I'm 32yrs old myself(same as you) and apart from myself, a fairly high proportion of my friends would have been in a similar position parent wise.
And as for the family tree and the embarrasment, Do you not know who your father is?
As unless he is unknown to you. and your mother refused to name him....
Then married or not, there is still a family a tree there to be filled in.
Unless of course your Mam refused to tell in that case you really need to ask yourself if your own definition of a normal childhood is correct!

missnemo wrote: »

my mother always told me that nobody wanted her because of me and my brother so that was always a burden that i still carry til this day. i have a half brother...5 years older(who also dosnt give a damn about me).

So your Mother spent your childhood blaming you and your brother for her lack of a relationship and any prospect of a relationship?
Your half Brother? Who is 5years older......Yet despite that relationship with a different man to your own father also not working out(Before you were even on the scene)!
Your mother made her kids carry the can for her failed relationships?
That is toxic, emotional blackmail bordering on child abuse IMHO, and yet despite that you claim that you

missnemo wrote: »

despite this, i had a fairly ok childhood

Really? If you think any of the above is part of an 'ok' childhood, you really need to reasses your definition of 'ok'!

missnemo wrote: »

im not using it as a scapegoat for my own problems. i have never really dwelled on this before ever,ive just fallen into a depression lately where ive started to question everything and why i am the way i am.. my inabilities to trust and form long lasting relationships.

i just wanted to hear other peoples experiences. its not something ive ever talked openly about before.

While you may not be blaming your current prediciment on your upbringing or looking for a scapegoat, your post is redolent with a sense of 'it happened to me' and 'its outside my control'
I don't mean to be harsh... or to oversimplify!
But life is what you make of it....
Recognise the mistakes your mam made in how she treated you and your brother.
Work on your trust issues and take your time in any new relationships..
The loss of a social outlet through fear will lead to isolation, resentment and pain in the long haul, maybe even worse than the broken heart earned by making a wrong relationship choice.
Its better to try and fail.....Than to stay alone because of fear

missnemo

First up....could you calm down??

this is a personal issues forum, i didnt come on here to feel under attack.

i did say in the first post.....i only know of one other person around my age whose parents wernt married and i only met that person last year....why would i lie about that? maybe it was normal in your area....but it wasnt in mine. and believe me, id have loved to have known of others so i wouldnt have felt like the only one.

my mother wasnt ALWAYS telling me that...maybe that was the wrong choice of word. she mentioned it once when i was younger...and again when i had a child of my own, warning me to be careful not to be having anymore. i suppose it stuck in my own head. my mother wasnt abusing me in any way with her words. good god, you shouldnt reach to such conclusions.

why would i put down on a family tree a family that never gave 2 damns about me? i would have been the talk of the whole community.

i had a perfectly good childhood....these are just random examples ive given of the times i hated ....but overall you dont miss what you never had.

it was a can of worms that i wish i had of kept closed because talking about it on here is not helping 1 bit.

LittleBook

missnemo wrote: »

it was a can of worms that i wish i had of kept closed because talking about it on here is not helping 1 bit.

Ok, if you want the thread closed a mod will do this for you immediately, no problem.

But before you go I want to mention a couple of things.

Depending on where exactly you grew up, I think it's perfectly possible to have been one of a few (if not the only) child of unmarried parents in that area, so I'm taking that at face value.

You seem to have a lot on your mind and a lot that you haven't processed properly from your own childhood. You say you feel you're suffering from depression. You need to find a counsellor and start talking these things through. If this is the first time ever you're addressing these issues (because, I'm sorry but you do appear to have issues that need to be resolved) then I highly recommend looking into getting some professional help.

My daughter is the child of unmarried parents. Even her "step father" and I aren't married and we've been together for years and years. It's made no discernible difference to her, but who knows, things can affect us in ways that aren't visible to the naked eye.

The fact of parents being married or not has less affect on a child than the behaviour of those two people and, in your case, there seem to have been some unfortunate circumstances that possibly affected you more deeply than you realise.

The point is that now you're an adult with a child of your own so you need to face up to what it is that's bothering you and causing this depression.

ash23

OP my parents were married but separated just before I was born so my dad was never around. I didn't meet him until I was much older.
I knew one other person whose parents were separated (although a lot of kids I grew up with, their parents have since separated).
It probably has had an affect on the relationships I form with people. I have no sense of shame about it as it wasn't something that was in my control. But it has impacted on my trust in people, men in particular. This has since been compounded by an ex doing a disappearing act when I told him I was pregnant (he's never met our daughter who is now 9) and also another long term relationship ending dismally with him cheating on me.
I find it quite hard to believe that not all men are like that and I have found it hard to form a relationship in the last few years. not because I am a single parent and not necessarily because of my father. Just because of a series of events have left me doubting my own judgement.

We all have baggage and its up to us as to how to deal with it. And blaming other people won't help you out of this frame of mind. It's not your fathers fault that you let your ex treat you like crap. Your father not being around may have affected how you deal with relationships but again, it's up to you to change it.
You have to accept that you can't control other people and their actions. You can only control your own.

meganj

MY parents weren't married. My Father decided that he couldn't continue the relationship with my Mother when she told him she was pregnant with me, this mostly had to do with the fact that he had another family.

missnemo wrote: »

My parents were never married, my mother wasted a few years on him, she now lives alone, dosnt go out , hasnt been in a long term relationship for as long as i have known. i am 32.

i have only ever met 1 other person whose parents wernt married and i have never really talked about it much to anyone.

Is this because of (unwarranted) shame? Growing up, and even sometimes to this day, when saying it to people that my Father isn't around I do worry sometimes that they are going to judge me. This is in spite of knowing several people who also have unmarried parents, but not in the same way as I do.

missnemo wrote: »

basically i think it has had a profound effect on my life. i actually have a child myself , myself and the father are not together anymore.but i find myself putting up with a lot of crap from the father because i dont want him to leave her the way my father left me.

I used to find myself doing things like this. I would rather have been unhappy in a relationship then have them leaving me. Much of my life decisions and relationship decisions have been based on the over-arching need not to have people leave me. This is not just evident in sexual relationships but also in friendships and other family relationships.

missnemo wrote: »

i feel like im turning into my mother and i will never actually get married myself.

missnemo wrote: »

I wish my mother had have taken control of her life, moved on and found someone else. i have never had any kind of father figure in my life.

I get this to a certain extent. My Mother never re-married or entered into a long term relationship in my memory. I think it is tough, especially if as you say you had no father figure in your life.

missnemo wrote: »

I grew up with the embarressment of that, going into many friends house for the first time, their parents asking whats your daddys name?..and me having no reply. even doing a family tree at school used to fill me with dread because i only had 1 side to fill in.people with married parents will never know how that feels. it is different these days because its become normal...back then it wasnt normal

I know some people have rejected the OPs version of events, but I think some children to feel embarrassed or ashamed. It used to really upset me when I was a child around Father's day. I used to have to do 'different' art work for Father's day while the other children were making cards for their Dads. I think it was less common then, or less acceptable then, now I imagine teachers are prepared for situations like this.

missnemo wrote: »

my mother always told me that nobody wanted her because of me and my brother so that was always a burden that i still carry til this day. i have a half brother...5 years older(who also dosnt give a damn about me). despite this, i had a fairly ok childhood

I have a half-brother and sister who don't know I exist. If your Mother told you this, OP that's her issue. My Mother never EVER said stuff like this to me, although in my mind it seemed that it was my fault. I took that on myself, unrelated to my Mother's words or actions, so I can't even imagine how you feel if your Mother actually said this to you.

missnemo wrote: »

im not using it as a scapegoat for my own problems. i have never really dwelled on this before ever,ive just fallen into a depression lately where ive started to question everything and why i am the way i am.. my inabilities to trust and form long lasting relationships.

I also struggled to form lasting relationships, or to trust people. My biggest problem was honesty with people. I found it very difficult to be honest about myself to people because I thought if my own Father didn't love me enough, how would anyone else love me?

OP have you considered counselling? I've found it to be extremely helpful, and often found when talking to my Mother or friends etc, they didn't understand the effect that my Father not being around (although he did subsequently come into my life) had on my daily life. Maybe it's something you might consider.

saa

Marriage doesn't make a difference, my parents were never married but lived separate miserable lives in the same house for legal reasons and it made life very difficult and I would of been better off living with one parent because at the end of the day you would of been more messed up if you had to live with a parents that weren't in a relationship or if one was abusive or neglectful.

I knew a girl whose Dad walked out and it really affected her but from what I've heard he would have been horrible to her if he was in her life.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is yes it probably had a very negative affect but if it didn't work out with the parents it couldn't have worked.

Bottom line is you're not your parents, its doesn't mean you won't meet anyone but if all those bad feelings and low self worth issues are there possibly that makes it very hard to meet and sustain a relationship, I think talking to someone could be an option the goal is to feel okay with your past not try and reinvent it or wish it was different.

Maple

Banie01, dial it back a little please. You're coming across as hostile whether you mean to or not. I understand you mean well but your delivery leaves a little to be desired.

Maple

The Corinthian

missnemo wrote: »

this is a personal issues forum, i didnt come on here to feel under attack.

They were giving you a different perspective and not an altogether unwarranted one.

I have two friends who essentially grew up in a single parent household. With one the parents split when the mother essentially through the father out of the house (his alcoholism) and with the second, the parents were never married, but remained together before splitting sometime during her childhood - she doesn't really blame either for the split as there was good and bad on both sides.

My father also grew up in a single parent household, when his parents split when he was still an infant, although they never divorced. He grew up in the belief that his father had essentially run out, which was not helped by the fact that his father lived abroad and so ended up with zero contact. Much later in life, however, he discovered that many of what he had been told or led to believe untrue.

The point I'm making is that children end up growing up without one of their parents around for many reasons. Sometimes it's principally due to one or the other, sometimes neither is more culpable than the other and sometimes the reasons that you grow up believing to have prompted the split, end up not being the full story or completely wrong.

In short, these things happen and as someone else pointed out, none of us are our parents. And part of growing older is the realization that parents are human and prone to selfishness and other flawed behaviour which ultimately is baggage that we should not have to carry to the next generation.

missnemo

i really dont mind being given a different perspective but i dont appreciate my story being called bullcrap...and my mother being accused of borderline child abuse.

my mother wouldnt have meant for me to take it in the way that i did....it was more that she was aware that she had damaged her own reputation and it wouldnt have helped her in finding future love, she didnt want the same thing to happen me.my mother adores us and has seen us both through college and has always been there for us. this is more a burden i carry myself because i wish she had someone to share life with and get the love she so deserves. its not even a burden ...its just somthing ive thought about often and i worry about sometimes.

i am not blaming this for the reason that i am depressed.i have loads of other things on my mind! it was just when i got to a bad low at the weekend , i wanted to talk about it and explore it a little.i was feeling a bit poor me, ive had a hard enough life. maybe i do need to talk about it more, i will see how i progress.

thanks to everyone who replied and shared their experiences.

The Corinthian

missnemo wrote: »

i really dont mind being given a different perspective but i dont appreciate my story being called bullcrap...and my mother being accused of borderline child abuse.

Aye, he was less than diplomatic in his execution of his point.

my mother wouldnt have meant for me to take it in the way that i did....it was more that she was aware that she had damaged her own reputation and it wouldnt have helped her in finding future love, she didnt want the same thing to happen me.my mother adores us and has seen us both through college and has always been there for us. this is more a burden i carry myself because i wish she had someone to share life with and get the love she so deserves. its not even a burden ...its just somthing ive thought about often and i worry about sometimes.

That's not really how it came across when you wrote about your mother originally though.

Just because your mother may adore you doesn't make her any less flawed than anyone else and it is fairly clear that some of the culpability that you now feel for her remaining single you hold to yourself. Parents can sometimes do that to their children, often without realizing; but that doesn't make her a bad person, just a person.

As I said, you need not carry her, or your father's, baggage into your own life and that this is something you raised here (indeed the question of being raised in such an environment is the topic) does betray that it is an issue for you.

You just have to accept that in reality it's not your issue; it's theirs. You are not to blame for the choices or misfortunes of your parents, only your own.

meganj

The Corinthian wrote: »

As I said, you need not carry her, or your father's, baggage into your own life and that this is something you raised here (indeed the question of being raised in such an environment is the topic) does betray that it is an issue for you.

You just have to accept that in reality it's not your issue; it's theirs. You are not to blame for the choices or misfortunes of your parents, only your own.

This OP is exactly what you need to be hearing. It's very easy as a child to imagine (through simple logic) that it's your fault. Because, at least to me, it seemed as if a) they were happy and then b) I came along and c) He left, therefore a+b=c.

The best gift you can give to yourself is that none of this had anything to do with you. What happens between two grownups is their business and in no way is it your fault or responsibility to take this on your shoulders.

banie01

The Corinthian wrote: »

Aye, he was less than diplomatic in his execution of his point.
That's not really how it came across when you wrote about your mother originally though.

True, my diplomacy filter was a tad off in my 2nd post, I apologise if i caused you offence by the tone of my post.

The Corinthian wrote: »

Just because your mother may adore you doesn't make her any less flawed than anyone else and it is fairly clear that some of the culpability that you now feel for her remaining single you hold to yourself. Parents can sometimes do that to their children, often without realizing; but that doesn't make her a bad person, just a person.

As I said, you need not carry her, or your father's, baggage into your own life and that this is something you raised here (indeed the question of being raised in such an environment is the topic) does betray that it is an issue for you.

You just have to accept that in reality it's not your issue; it's theirs. You are not to blame for the choices or misfortunes of your parents, only your own.

+1, Its a hard part of growing up, realising that our Parents are only human after all and learning that we as adults can't fix their problems.
Thats not to say we shouldn't help them, of course.
More that our own health and happiness and that of our own kids start to take precedence.

meganj wrote: »

This OP is exactly what you need to be hearing. It's very easy as a child to imagine (through simple logic) that it's your fault. Because, at least to me, it seemed as if a) they were happy and then b) I came along and c) He left, therefore a+b=c.

The best gift you can give to yourself is that none of this had anything to do with you. What happens between two grownups is their business and in no way is it your fault or responsibility to take this on your shoulders.

+1, Those 2 pieces of advice from Corinthian and MeganJ are very apt, I hope they can be some use to you OP.

missnemo

Op here...just revisited tonight to say that I received a letter from my estranged dad saying sorry etc etc and I'm wondering how am I going to deal with it. But spookily the letter arrived exactly 1 year later to the date I started this thread. Very strange.

I went to write a letter back tonight but couldn't find any words. What is the point to being mad after all this time? But I can't just do small talk either. He still lives in england but i would like to pursue some kind of relationship.I can't really talk to anyone else about this.

looksee

You don't have to do small talk, neither do you have to write back full of mad enthusiasm to meet him. Write (since you say you would like a relationship) just exactly how you feel. Keep it brief, say it is going to take time to get used to the idea of having contact with him, say that you appreciate his contact and that you are going to think it through. Don't commit yourself to anything until you are sure you are ready.