Have I messed up big time?

LegacyUser

Ok, I've a bit of a problem with sombody who in the past has been a friend but recently im not sure.

I've known this girl for many years, we met in collage and throughout the years have driffed in and out of each others lives, but still remained in contact. She was always good craic to hang round with and go out with and numerous times it was just me and her going somwhere. I would have said we were pretty close. As time progressed we both went off to do other things and our social circles would have went different ways, but as before we still met up every now and again. When we finished collage I got a job, she didnt. Nothing to do with the fact she couldnt, mainly she just felt like she didnt want to. Fair enough, its hard to get work. But she never really bothered to look and when I suggested she try get a job (coz she always complained she was broke)her response was that it would mess up her chances getting the doal. I just left it.

Anyway, in the last few years i had to move home from the city I was living in due to family issues. She was very good, visited me lots and always asked me to come up to see her if I need a break. Things were very tough at home and I really appriciated her friendship while that was going on. When things got better I agreed to go out with her on a couple of nights and we said we could stay in a hostel, she didnt want to really coz she was broke, but i convinced her to stay for one night. Hostels arent a fortune. Anyway, I met up with her, went and stayed in the hostel she was very ratty about it all. She said she knew a few people that were going out and she was going to meet up with them, I thought, 'grand, she'll be in good form' so I said I was going to get food and I'd meet her and the others later. Then she just disappeared. nothing. so I was left wandering round the town on my own all night. I rang her, I txt her, I went back to the hostel, no sign of her. I hadnt a clue what to do, I pretty sure she would be ok as shes sensable enough, but I still heard nothing after constanly ringing her. at about midnight I got a text from her saying she was fine and having a great time with her friends. I asked her where she was, she told me and said "come down" but I was too tired and pissed off I said i'd see her in the morning. we had said we would do a few things round the town the next day, so I figured things would be ok then. I was woken up the next morning at round 10 by her coming in. we chatted a bit and then she said she had to lye down for a bit, so she did and slept til about 6 that evening. so nothing was done that day. I though, aw, leave her off, shes just used to this, im over reacting. She never really appoligized, just went on about how much craic the people she was hanging out with were.

It then came happened on 2 more occassions, one of which was on a weekend away which I had paid for as a thank you for helping me when I was at home. There always seems to be a group of her new friends hanging out somwhere nearby which she heads off to visit, stays there for ages and comes in the next day and sleeps all day and we never do anything. I feel so stupid for spending money on a hotel and tickets when she went off with other people and ditched me. I felt awful days after, wondering, jesus, what did I do to this girl that she constantly asked me to go to things with her and then just pisses off and leaves me there. I know plenty of people are up for all night partys and I am too, but you dont wander off to other people, ignore your friends call's and txt's all night and then fall in the next day and sleep alll day. Anyway, much as I liked the girl when we were young, the trip away in the hotel was the straw that broke the camels back. Seriously if she wanted to go <mod snip> drinking with her mates for a weekend she could have just not taken the ticket.

I decided, what is the point of hanging out with sombody if they are going to ignore me, so I decided not to pay much attention to her. A few weeks ago she txt me to see what I was up to for the weekend, i didnt reply, this was followed by txt after txt,call after call, which I didnt reply to. I felt very bad about it and had gone to a counciler before becouse it was upsetting me. Her txt were very "I've always been kind to you, why are you ignoring me" and bringing up stuff we did together when we were students. I really felt the need to tell her how being so ungreatful and never even appoligizing is a pretty ****ty thing, but I just cant. Is ignoring sombody a horrible thing? I feel so horrible for doing it, but I I'm so pissed off with her. This is what a 13 year old acts like, not a 32 year old.

anyway, sorry if i sound like a dry ****e, maybe I am one, but this has been upsetting me for months and no mather who I talk about this to they never have an answer to how I can deal with her. Is the not answering her a horrible thing? she did it to me

danslevent

You need to explain to your friend about the hurt you felt in the past over her actions. You can't go on ignoring it, I know how unpleasant confrontations are but at times hey are just inevitable.

Since you are finding it so hard to talk to her I recommend that you send her a letter or an email. A friend and I have this problem too, where we find it so hard to verbally express our problems and annoyances, but sending it via the written word makes it so much easier.

But you really do have to respond to her soon. It is unfair to not explain the situation to her to give her a chance to explain herself and apologise. Closure will never be put on the issue if you never get the chance to release your anger and upset by explaining it to her.

Agent J

Ignoring a problem doesnt make it go away.

1)You haven't done anything wrong
2)Friends don't act like that
3)You don't owe this person anything.

If you want & only if you want i would suggest trying to have a direct face to face conversation about it.

Personally i'd talk to her and tell her i think her past "kindness" notwithstanding her behaviour is unacceptable(and make sure to note spefici example) & i am hurt by it. See what her reaction is and take it from there. If she doesnt see anything wrong then that's it im afraid.

Losing a long term friend is very hard but sometimes they stop being friends & it takes a while for you to see/accept it.

Good luck