Girlfriend hanging around with her ex a lot of the time...

LegacyUser

I just need some insight in this.Girlfriend hanging around with her ex a lo

My girlfriend of just over 3 years is seeings her ex nearly every second day. We're in our mid twenties and I'm studying abroad but due to finish soon.

I know he has feelings for her and she has said she doesn't have feelings for him. They're spending a lot of time together; going for late night walks, dinner and drinks together and going to the cinema together.

He always instigates these meetings and she obliges but says to me that she isn't always interested in going out with him.

When on the phone to her, she mentions him at least once (one time too many).

Lately, she's been going on about how I don't care about her and not interested in what sh has to say. I completely am interested etc. It's just that I'm not there for her in person and she makes me feel guilty for that.

The thing is, is that I completely 100% trust her. She's a kind individual and I know she wouldn't want to hurt me. She's so good to me etc.

I know that he wants to get back with her, but I'm afraid that she will develop feelings for him again. Maybe feel sorry for him at some point and one thing leads to another. These feelings do happen when you spend time together.

She mentions to me first that they're about to go out together for food, drink etc. and I act on as if it's cool. But in reality, I'm a bit insecure about it. I know that if I was to see one of my ex's just for a coffee for 30 mins, she'd be devastated and really hurt. I wouldn't do this to her and have broken ties with my ex's for this very reason.

What do I do? I don't want to mention it to her that I don't trust her ex. I don't know what to do, I'm nearly finished Uni. and we'll be seeing each other possibly for the rest of our lives (which I'm hopeful for). I just hope that her ex isn't playing mind games with her and sees these last few months as a window of opportunity to get back with her.

Any insight into this or has anyone been in a similar situation?

Thanks.

Virgil°

Dinners,movies and drinks on a regular basis with an ex is unacceptable behaviour. That's what we call dating. Do not entertain this any further.

Put your foot down and see how she reacts. You can't obviously control who she sees(As an aside I expect this card to be played) but she should have the common f***ing decency not to be seeing so much of someone who has feelings for her and in this fashion.

Herrick

Whats she is doing is wrong on so many levels.

The amount of time and activities she spends with him is completely disrespectful to you. As Virgil said, it more like their dating. How long have they been seeing each other nearly every second day? Then she keeps talking about him on the phone to you.

She's getting his hopes up (if shes as innocent as you think) ffs. Did she break it off with him? It sounds like shes loving the attention, but then plays the oh poor me I'm not interested in meeting up with him, but does it anyway?! Unless she is a complete dope, there is no way she doesn't know whats going on here.

Can you be sure they aren't doing more than meeting up?

To be honest OP, I'm not sure her ex is the one playing the games here...

LegacyUser

OP Here

I'm just off the phone speaking to her. She mentioned that he's now getting dressed up when they both go out together. She also mentioned she feels sorry for him.

I agree that she's bored out of her mind because I'm not there, but I suppose I'm bored out of my mind too and I stay at home 99% of the time I'm here.

I know it doesn't seem right with what she's doing, but she never see's the bigger picture or thinks outside the box when it comes to many things. She's so kind to me, I know she loves me, I just don't think that she's aware that I'm thinking like this as I seem "ok with it".

She's definitely not a player or anything, and wouldn't hurt a fly, let alone me. She's just not aware of it.

We are always in touch though. I'm willing to wait until I finish Uni. and see if he still keeps in touch when I'm with her. I can't imagine him wanting him to be third wheel all the time. He's also a bit of a loner/recluse with nearly no friends, so maybe she could feel sorry for him in that instance.

I guess I'll see when I get back... but for now, I know I can trust her and she trusts me. I'm not a fool or anything and I can spot things a mile off, it's just that she doesn't properly understand... completely innocent as to what he (her ex) has in mind.

Thanks for the replies.

blatantrereg

whatsherexat? wrote: »

She's a kind individual and I know she wouldn't want to hurt me. She's so good to me etc.

Consider whether she actually is kind, or if that is just her image/self image. Your description of her is not of a kind person at all - to you nor her ex. Of course she knows she's hurting both of you.

whatsherexat? wrote: »

She mentions to me first that they're about to go out together for food, drink etc. and I act on as if it's cool. But in reality, I'm a bit insecure about it. I know that if I was to see one of my ex's just for a coffee for 30 mins, she'd be devastated and really hurt. I wouldn't do this to her and have broken ties with my ex's for this very reason.

Why pretend it's cool when it's not? Why a different rule for her than for you? That attitude is arrogant and silly rather than commendable tbh.

An ex of mine suggested to me that there's such a thing as having too much male pride - I never let on when things bothered me either.

Sometimes people will keep pushing until they get a reaction. Clear boundaries are good.

Wester

whatsherexat? wrote: »

I know it doesn't seem right with what she's doing, but she never see's the bigger picture or thinks outside the box when it comes to many things. She's so kind to me, I know she loves me, I just don't think that she's aware that I'm thinking like this as I seem "ok with it".


I guess I'll see when I get back... but for now, I know I can trust her and she trusts me. I'm not a fool or anything and I can spot things a mile off, it's just that she doesn't properly understand... completely innocent as to what he (her ex) has in mind.

For your sake, I hope you're right because you sound like you really love this girl but I think you're being played big time and you need to wake up to that fact. OP, this is a make-or-break issue, either your girlfriend stops seeing her ex (and she is seeing her ex, even if there is no intimacy involved) or you and her are finished - you need to make that clear.

Neyite

whatsherexat? wrote: »

I know that if I was to see one of my ex's just for a coffee for 30 mins, she'd be devastated and really hurt. I wouldn't do this to her and have broken ties with my ex's for this very reason.

So why the double standards for her then?

If she would not like you having time with an ex, why does she think its acceptable that you'd put up with it? You can approach this two ways - either talk to her and say the above, then say that she should treat you how she would like to be treated, or call up an ex and meet for coffee and then bore the ears of your girlfriend about your ex the way she does with you. See how she likes it.

Sounds to me like she is playing the both of you and attention seeking - getting an ego boost from the ex fancying her (and leading the poor fecker on) , and then from you because she wants you to get jealous and wrecking your head.

blatantrereg

Neyite wrote: »

or call up an ex and meet for coffee and then bore the ears of your girlfriend about your ex the way she does with you. See how she likes it.

It's usually better not to engage like this. It validates the behviour a way, and is likely to lead to escalation. Either way, dont be surprised if you are called petty for it, or told you are playing games yourself. Doing this would be playing games, and you'd be using the ex too.

She can quit it with a good grace [without making out she's indulging you being unreasonable]. Or you can ditch her. If something's unacceptable then just dont accept it. Dont get into mind games and silly crap.

Johnny_BravoIII

If it bothers you, why not say?
No girl wants a man to be a complete walkover.
Put the foot down. Its ok to maintain a relationship with an ex but this pseudo-dating lark is just not on.

Caraville

OP, if she's bored then she should get a hobby, not hang around with her ex. Feeling sorry for him is all well and good, but she's doing him absolutely no favours. If she has no feelings for him, and there's no hope of him ever being with her again, then hanging around with her is only going to put off the fact that he needs to get over her, and also he'll have no chance to met someone else if he's with her all the time.

She's taking the piss with the amount of time they're spending together. If, as you say, she wouldn't be ok with it if things were the other way around, then she'll just have to start saying no to these "dates" (for that is essentially what they are) with her ex.

LegacyUser

whatsherexat? wrote: »

OP Here

I'm just off the phone speaking to her. She mentioned that he's now getting dressed up when they both go out together. She also mentioned she feels sorry for him.

I agree that she's bored out of her mind because I'm not there, but I suppose I'm bored out of my mind too and I stay at home 99% of the time I'm here.

I know it doesn't seem right with what she's doing, but she never see's the bigger picture or thinks outside the box when it comes to many things. She's so kind to me, I know she loves me, I just don't think that she's aware that I'm thinking like this as I seem "ok with it".

She's definitely not a player or anything, and wouldn't hurt a fly, let alone me. She's just not aware of it.

We are always in touch though. I'm willing to wait until I finish Uni. and see if he still keeps in touch when I'm with her. I can't imagine him wanting him to be third wheel all the time. He's also a bit of a loner/recluse with nearly no friends, so maybe she could feel sorry for him in that instance.

I guess I'll see when I get back... but for now, I know I can trust her and she trusts me. I'm not a fool or anything and I can spot things a mile off, it's just that she doesn't properly understand... completely innocent as to what he (her ex) has in mind.

Thanks for the replies.

I think you're deluding yourself as to what is really happening here. She is essentially going out on dates with her ex. Dinner, drinks, movies? Come on OP.

The amount of times my friends have told me about how naive and innocent their girlfriends are and how they would NEVER cheat only to find out they were ****ing other men on a regular basis a few months down the line.

I think the only reason shes even telling you is because shes afraid that one of your friends or family will see them out together and tell you. So instead she says 'oh I feel real sorry for him and were friends'

ManOfMystery

OP, she is really ripping the p**s here. Open your eyes. It's one thing if she was meeting the ex once a week for a casual coffee, but dinner/dates/cinema/dressing up/etc? She is showing a complete lack of respect for your relationship, and you're giving her a green card to do so by emphasising that she's so trustworthy and not a player, etc.

Wakeup call : very few would people call their partner untrustworthy until something happens to make them think otherwise. I'm sure she isn't as naive as you think.

Big Bag of Chips

Why are you afraid of telling her it bothers you?

This is one thing I never understand in relationships. In a relationship people need to be comfortable with each other. That means be comfortable enough to discuss "problems" without fear of how the other person reacts.

If you are keeping quiet about something that genuinely bothers you, then your relationship has a limited future, I'm afraid.
You are not being honest. You are putting her feelings ahead of your own, and that can't last. One day you will get fed up.... no matter how lovely she is.

Tell her. Be honest... and see what happens.

Maple

Jarofcoins your post has been deleted. You have also been infracted for unhelpful posting. Read the charter before posting again.

Maple

tinkerbell

OP, your girlfriend isn't as innocent as you think - she is not stupid, she knows full well what she's doing. Anyone with a quarter of a brain would know that what she's essentially doing is dating her ex. You're the bigger fool to let her get away with it. Tell her it's got to stop or else it's over. And why should it be a double standard too for if you wanted to meet your ex for a drink? She's being completely out of line here.

LoganIn

whatsherexat? wrote: »

Any insight into this or has anyone been in a similar situation?
Thanks.

Hey mate,
We all know whats going on here and you do too deep down (hence why you made the thread)

Your girlfriend is dating your ex while you are away abroad. Thats hard to swallow. I know. But for the sake of yourself (self-respect) you gotta cut all contact with her.

Finish Uni and start your new post-uni life. You'll meet someone else.
Oh and a tip, when you confront her of her actions she'll 99.9% lie and say you got it all wrong. You dont. Heck we all don't from reading your thread.

Katgurl

Tell her it bothers you. Sitting in / dating her ex are not only two options, she can make some other friends. If she refuses to stop, dump her. So far she has done nothing wrong as you have pretended you are fine with this. The fault lies with you to a certain degree.

Nabber

A bit of a farce.

Tell her it's him or you. To be honest from the sounds of it you are just the freind in this relationship. All this drinking, dining, cinema... He must have made a move on your GF by now. If she is rejecting him and then going out again, she is just telling the ex he needs to try harder.

Dump her would be my advice. Harsh, but then lessons always seem to be.

ihsb

She knows what she is doing. She is leading him on. She knows how he feels about her, he keeps her company while you are away and she gets an ego boost from a man that loves her.
In exchange, this man thinks he has a chance with her.
She is being manipulative. If I were you I would deffo call her up on it. That behaviour is not right.

Da Shins Kelly

She may not be cheating, but she's definitely crossing a line here. As has already been said, she's essentially going on dates with him. I suspect she just craves the attention, and knowing that he likes her feeds her ego. It's not fair to either him or you though. You need to deliver her an ultimatum on this behaviour. She's toying with the other lad, while being pretty disrespectful to you. It's not on.

Balmed Out

whatsherexat? wrote: »

I know he has feelings for her and she has said she doesn't have feelings for him. They're spending a lot of time together; going for late night walks, dinner and drinks together and going to the cinema together.

Their dating, shes telling you about (some of ?????) whats happening to ease her guilt.

whatsherexat? wrote: »

He always instigates these meetings and she obliges but says to me that she isn't always interested in going out with him.
When on the phone to her, she mentions him at least once (one time too many).

She says that he instigates all meetings (i doubt) she doesnt want to go but goes anyway (bull, shes proving herselt to be very selfish and a selfish person wouldnt do this), and even though she cares nothing for him she brings him up in every conversation - this is either a way of attacking you or she cant help it cause she likes him so much.

whatsherexat? wrote: »

Lately, she's been going on about how I don't care about her and not interested in what sh has to say. I completely am interested etc. It's just that I'm not there for her in person and she makes me feel guilty for that.

This sets off alarm bells in my head that things have stepped beyond emotional to physical cheating. Shes making out that you are guilty of something to assuage her own guilt.

whatsherexat? wrote: »

The thing is, is that I completely 100% trust her. She's a kind individual and I know she wouldn't want to hurt me. She's so good to me etc.

Read everything else you wrote.

whatsherexat? wrote: »

I know that if I was to see one of my ex's just for a coffee for 30 mins, she'd be devastated and really hurt.

Which should open your eyes to her actions.


I wouldnt be giving out about the ex, its your girlfriend playing the mind games. He wouldnt be doing this if he wasnt getting any encouragement.

Ask yourself whether someone who treats you as your gf is and makes you feel as you do is the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with. If not dont prolong the agony.