The Ex and Mutual Friends

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I was broken up with over a year ago and strung along (like a complete fool) for a few months after the initial break. We kept meeting up and ended up having sex and a vicious cycle started. Eventually we both agreed to stop communicating, which is easy because he's living in Oz at the moment (he left two months ago - boozing every night it seems!).

The problem is mutual friends. I've gotten to the point where I don't even love him anymore, I actually hate him. The very thought of him, and how silly I was to go along with his abusive (yes, abusive - verbal - constant criticising, constantly poking fun at my dress sense, my intelligence, my profession etc.) nature makes me SICK. I blocked him from FB, deleted all e-mails, deleted his number and any texts, deleted him from everything. No chance for me to contact him.

But I got wind that he's fun out of funds and is coming home in June. We are from a small town and have loads of mutual friends. I introduced him to most of them as he was a blow in when we first got together. I haven't told our mutual friends much about our situation. They know he broke up with me because he got a job in Oz (which was last July), but he kept postponing his flight after the opportunity fell through and ended up leaving in late Jan. They know we were broken up but still havin sex and texting and all the rest, and I was still madly in love with him and happy to have a half-relationship with him (stupid me). When he left I finally got my head together and feel like I'm properly healing, and now I hear he's retunring.

I haven't been back biting and filling our mutual friends heads with ideas about him, but I sometimes feel like I want to. One of the lads out of the group is a great friend of mine, one of the best, and he knows that we cut contact but they remain friends on FB (although they rarely interact on it). They would have got on grand when I was with him.. But I would have been much closer to my mate than my OH would have been. Is it cheeky to ask him to delete him too? They haven't spoken in ages and this friend is still a big part of my life.

How the hell am I going to maintain this group of friends when he gets back? I literally just don't want to see him...

I know this post seems incredibly immature, but it's basically desperation. I just got to a point where I feel like myself again.. and I just don't want to hear or see him ever again.

I am a friend

asdasdasd wrote: »

Is it cheeky to ask him to delete him too?

Abso-frickin-loutely and it would make you look a bit cuckoo...

asdasdasd wrote: »

They haven't spoken in ages and this friend is still a big part of my life.

But you dont own your friend and you cant tell them who to be friends with. I acknowledge you let this guy treat you badly BUT maybe he is not a bad guy all round. Maybe he just treated you badly and maybe he is a good friend to everyone else... I dont mean that as an insult to you but most people are generally not bad but do act badly sometimes.

asdasdasd wrote: »

How the hell am I going to maintain this group of friends when he gets back? I literally just don't want to see him...

Maybe he wont want to see you and will avoid these people...

asdasdasd wrote: »

I know this post seems incredibly immature, but it's basically desperation. I just got to a point where I feel like myself again.. and I just don't want to hear or see him ever again.

Impossible as you live in the same town.. You need to work on yourself in the meantime to make sure he means nothing to you.. The bottom line is you cant control the situation so you need to control your own feelings about it. I personally woudl take the high ground and make sure he never knows he upset me. you may get an oscar for your performance but I would not get into the whole bitching to your friends thing as it only makes you look bad.

LegacyUser

Hi there OP,
Immediately after my ex broke up with me.. we ended very very badly.. I asked my very close friends to delete him from fb and they were more than willling to. They could completely see why... Their only link to him was me which was well and truly over..
I wouldnt have said they were good friends with him... more acquaintances probably as he never really got to know them as such..
They were also very angry with how he had treated me...

However if they are good friends maybe I wouldn't say anything...
If they are close friends I'm sure they would very much understand your concerns...
Best of luck OP

LegacyUser

I definitely agree, but the problem is this. I won't beat around the bush here. There's zero communication, but I know I could find his blog if I wanted to creep on him, and knowing that my good friend is still on his FB is making me uneasy knowing I could ask him things for answers. This is incredibly immature, I know, but even though I'm 22 this is the first proper relationship I've had and I'm a bit down in the dumps - mostly angry.

The other question I'd have for you is what you mean by working on myself? I definitely am doing that. I've started a few new courses and I've become really interested in photography, and I've slowly started changing my fashion sense too (random). These are all making me feel a bit better, but there is still an anxiety there... I just don't know.

I keep dreaming about my ex, I think I did love him, and now I just want him to kind of disappear, if that makes sense. It's very possible (and probable) that I'm going about this the wrong way.

I know I should know... but how long will it last? Until I can just see him as one of the other lads and not as someone who hurt me?

it sounds like a horrible relationship tbh and well done your well rid of him . Unfortunately it seems like it still hurts or there are feelings there ? the truth is you will never be able to get back at him or hurt him no matter what you do .

Be happy your not with him you deserve so much better than what you had with him and you will get it . take the relationship as a lesson learned .

I love the saying hating someone else is like taking poison yourself and expecting the other person to die .

Idle Passerby

I don't think you should ask your friend to delete your ex on facebook, it just looks petty. Well done in not bad mouthing the ex to mutual friends. You could however have a quiet word with the closest ones just saying you don't intend to interact with him when he returns. That way they'll know where you stand and I'm sure if they're good friends they'll understand your position and respect that.

Its probably not what you want to hear at all but you will probably just have to wait and see where the chips fall when he gets back. As in see which of your friends still want to hang out with him and which don't. Trying to steer people in that way will not work out well for you.

Herrick

OP, you could always tell your close mates what he done to you, so they know the score. Its not badmouthing if you tell them the truth and not purposely put a bad slant of things just to win points or such.

I mean if I was your close male friend and had become mates with your ex, but then found out he was acting the piss with you, I wouldn't give him the time of day anymore.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice, guys. I'll keep you posted. I know he's coming home soon, but not sure when, so this is bothering me a bit. I'll let you know what happens when the time comes.