My boyfriends family in the way

LegacyUser

Everything is soooo wrong, I feel like im dying. Ive been crying since tuesday, and I cant stop. Its all to do with my boyfriend and his family. It all started on Tuesday. I really think we are properly over but I dont want it to be the end. I should probably start at the beginning.

Me and the boyf had plans to go back to my hometown with my family for a special occassion. He text me at 4am the saying he wasnt going cos he was ill, i was kinda annoyed that he would text me and not let me know over the phone, he wasnt even sympathetic. I rang him but he wasnt understanding and we kind of fought, I know I demanded from him to come and be with me and he felt bad so he decided he wanted to go because it meant so much to him. He went and said to his mum (he still lives at home) and his mum more or less said to him put your foot down with me, dont let her demand you. It was just so hurtful to hear her talk about me like that, because thats how she feels generally about me, that I make my boyf be with me and I manipulate him. I wasnt even doing that in the end I told him it was ok if he was sick. I got so annoyed with his mum that i got on the phone to his mum and i was so annoyed i gave out to her and she didnt try to understand or try to sympathise. So I just left it. Later on I called the boyf again later crying and his mum got on the phone to me and i was sobbing my heart out and i couldnt speak to her so i hung up. she rang my mum and she acted like i was being bad to her and niall on the phone to my mum, and asked my mum was it ok if he comes in a couple of days etc, kinda manipulating the situation. My boyfriend called me later and his mum took the phone off me and i literally lashed out on her and called her terrible names and called her out for all the bull to me and my mum. i was sooo hurt i didnt mean to be so mean.I totally regret it so much.

Later that night, his mum and sister came round here and literally said to me that me and the boyf arent meant to be etc and blaming everything on me, felt so bullied. It was an awful night, and they left me uncontrollably crying, barely able to breath.

since then niall and me have just been devastated and i said to him i would go through anything to be with him. We both really love each other and we do want to be together. I think the strain has gotten to both of us and this morning he told me he had all these doubts. this morning he said to me , his heart says stay with me but his head says to let it go, he cant imagine his family let it go etc. he txt me all these msgs saying that he doesnt see a future for us but he doesnt want to break up but he doesnt know what to think. and i just dont know what to do im so heartbroken.

I just need advice on what to do next. Its so hard but Ive decided to give him space so that he can think about what he wants? My mum said she will call and say that I am truly sorry etc I just wish it wasnt so juvenille, im not used to families getting involved. Please if anyone has advice I would really appreciate it.

Beruthiel

hurtingalone wrote: »

I know I demanded from him to come

Demands never work.

his mum more or less said to him put your foot down with me

Interfering bizzy body.

I got so annoyed with his mum that i got on the phone to his mum and i was so annoyed i gave out to her

Big mistake.

his mum got on the phone to me

I'm presuming her son is 14/15 years old?

she rang my mum and she acted like i was being bad to her and niall on the phone to my mum

So, you guys have to be 14/15 for both your mothers to get involved?

Sounds to me like you are better off without him.
Anyone who would allow such influence from their mother is to be avoided at ALL costs.
She would be there throughout his whole life sticking her nose in and it seems to me, he would do nothing to stop it.

Killed By Death

OP, please calm down. You are not doing yourself any good by getting so worked up.

Are you telling me you have yourself in this state because your BF fell ill and cancelled going to your hometown with you? OP, that is not normal. You have worked yourself up into total hysteria over something very trivial.

You also lashed out verbally at his family members and phoned up crying hysterically. That is emotional blackmail. You say his Mother is manipulative but I'm sorry OP, the truth is it's you who is being manipulative. You may not even realise you are doing it but you are.

Have you sat down and tried to think about why you got so hysterically upset over something so small? Do you think that is healthy?

I think if this is a pattern with you then you need to think about getting some counselling for yourself. If you carry on behaving like this not only are you causing yourself incredible suffering, but you will drive away everyone in your life. Please think about it.

I would agree, beruthiel, except:

He text me at 4am the saying he wasnt going cos he was ill, i was kinda annoyed that he would text me and not let me know over the phone, he wasnt even sympathetic

He was the ill one and OP thinks he should be sympathetic?

I got so annoyed with his mum that i got on the phone to his mum and i was so annoyed i gave out to her

You are in a relationship with your boyfriend, not his mother. Why on earth would you ring her out of the blue to give out to her?

i literally lashed out on her and called her terrible names

Frankly I think you're all as bad as each other. and you need to grow up a bit.
getting into hysterics because he was sick and couldn't make a family event, ringing up his family to hurl abuse... this is just not normal behaviour

LegacyUser

Oh I know it was a big mistake, I had been crying for over 12 hours straight, my head was fried and I regret it more than anyone can imagine... I hate that I demanded anything from him, I was upset and unreasonable.

No, we are 22, which is ridiculous. My mum absolutely never wants to be involved. I dont tell her anything about our relationship I was so annoyed they called my mum, thats what made me snap. We have been together for two years, I love him so much and I just wish his family werent so involved. Any time he is upset, down , anything its my fault. Even when he does something wrong, its my fault.

I just find this so hard I dont want to give up at all

why are you complaining that his family were involved when you were the one ringing them up to give out to them in the first place?

crying for 12 hours straight?!

is there something going on here that you are unhappy in general in your life or something?
you need to get some counselling

prinz

hurtingalone wrote: »

No, we are 22, which is ridiculous.

Dear lord end it now. Neither of you sound ready for a relationship.

daisybelle2008

OP, Killed by Death is right, you should see a counsellor. It might help you handle this situation and feel better in general.

Beruthiel

hurtingalone wrote: »

I was so annoyed they called my mum, thats what made me snap.

You called his mother first OP.
So, ye are 22, yet both of you are acting like 14 year olds and I would politely suggest that neither of ye are mature enough to be in a long term relationship.

His mother is definitely a problem.
However, it is up to him to sort her out. Not you.
The fact that you got involved in his relationship with his mother tells me that she has a point, you are too demanding.

He should not be allowing her to interfere in his relationships and he will continue to have relationship problems until he puts a stop to that.

You either put up with that fact or call the relationship off.

Personally, I would have nothing to do with a man that much under the influence of his mother.

Starokan

at your age its crazy that your mothers are dragged into this, your boyfriend should not have allowed his mother to call yours , it was just a stupid thing to do and it creates a whole world of issues to deal with. He needs to cop on and show some sense, take him off the pedestal you have him on and call him up on that.

Re the whole problem that started it , he was sick for gods sake, why try and guilt trip him into going to the function, if my partner is sick, i feel sympathy for them not anger that they cant do something with me, put yourself in his shoes would you have liked that being done to you. In this regard you need to cop on and show some sense. Think before going off on one.

Lastly if you are having consistent problems with his family bear in mind that its possible that this is not because they are bad people who are out to get you, its more likely that he is at home whinging and moaning about you. If he was talking you up all time, they would not be having a go. So if you stay together sort that out with him.

Neyite

hurtingalone wrote: »

Oh I know it was a big mistake, I had been crying for over 12 hours straight, my head was fried and I regret it more than anyone can imagine... I hate that I demanded anything from him, I was upset and unreasonable.

No, we are 22, which is ridiculous. My mum absolutely never wants to be involved. I dont tell her anything about our relationship I was so annoyed they called my mum, thats what made me snap. We have been together for two years, I love him so much and I just wish his family werent so involved. Any time he is upset, down , anything its my fault. Even when he does something wrong, its my fault.

I just find this so hard I dont want to give up at all

Why were you annoyed that they involved your mother? You did that yourself on his side when you were abusive to his mother. So you started that behaviour.

She only did what any mother would do -be concerned that her sick son should stay home and be annoyed that he was being forced to go somewhere by his girlfriend, and told him that. You were the one who escalated the whole thing. Nobody likes seeing family members being manipulated into doing something they dont want to do. Mammies are protective - thats why I never tell mine about disagreements I have with my partner, because I know that long after he and I resolve our issue, she will remember it.

Irrespective of what she said about you being demanding (and lets be fair, you were) did not warrant a torrent of abuse and name calling down the phone from you. In my book that would be dumpable behaviour.

The fact that he even tells her all this is a separate issue. He shouldnt do that, but you shouldnt have done what you did either, and I think his mother and sister were right - you are better off apart, if you are not capable of being respectful to each other or each others families.

He comes with a package - his family. If you cant get on with them, there is no future for you both.

Killed By Death

I agree that in general Mothers shouldn't get involved in their adult childrens relationships but in this case I agree with Neyite, you started it OP.

Besides that if this behaviour is a pattern for you she is probably worried about her son being mixed up with you. You've behaved very controllingly by trying to force the fella to go to your place when he was sick, then you went nuclear on his Mother so if this is typical behaviour by you, you can't blame the Mother for being sick of seeing her son being controlled and manipulated.....

Only you can answer that anyway OP, whether you have a pattern of doing things like this regularly?

Your best bet for getting a second chance here OP is to back off a bit and let the dust settle. Seek some counselling for yourself. Don't do anything else dramatic for Gods sake. If you are still feeling unstable go to your GP or speak to a trusted responsible person close to you who can help you.

R.D. aka MR.D

I don't actually get along with my mother that much but if my boyf ever rang her and gave out to her I would break up with him in a heart beat. It is completely unacceptable behaviour.

You need to stand back and look at your issues.

Set this boy free and let him find happiness with some one else.

LegacyUser

hurtingalone wrote: »

He text me at 4am the saying he wasnt going cos he was ill, i was kinda annoyed that he would text me and not let me know over the phone.

Did he know you would be awake at 4am to take the call? If I had plans to go away with my BF but woke up during the night ill I would send a text so they would get it first thing in the morning and know. I would most likely call and talk to them at some point the next day or being my BF they would most likely call me when they woke in the morning to check I was feeling ok but I see nothing wrong with texting at 4am rather then calling.

When you say you rang him OP please tell me you rang him the next day and not at 4am. If you rang him the following day did you at least ask if he was feeling ok before ripping into him? Did you think he was making it up about being ill? That his mother told him to say he was ill so as not to go? I'm trying to understand why you got angry with him because your main beef seems to be that he opted not to call you at 4 in the morning but send a text. You say he wasnt even sympathetic, sympathetic to what OP, he's the one thats sick.

Everything that happened after that was a totally over reaction on your behalf OP, did his mother and sister act the best, nope, but I'll be honest I might have reacted the same myself if it was my son you were treating him like this. You cried for 12 hours? At 14/15 I see that as sad but understandable, at 22 it's not on at all.

Katgurl

This is really bad behaviour on all sides tbh.

You - It doesn't seem to have registered that your boyfriend sick, so do you not believe him or can you only think about things with respect to how they affect you? Anytime I'm sick which is rare, I'd not be in any state to be phoning or being sympathetic. You'd wanna learn some empathy. And then you rang his mother because you heard a thirdhnd insult. Are you for real? Most men would dump you straight out.

Boyfriend - what kind of a coward is he whining to his mother and then instead of telling you straight out you are behaving in an unreasonable manner he hides behind a "mum says..." passive aggressive tirade. And what man would allow his girlfriend phone his mother and call her names? He sounds completely whipped by both his mother and girlfriend.

Families - eh phoning up each other and getting involved in the relationship of two supposed adults. Completely inappropriate.

Frankly I think you need to call it a day because the whole situation sounds too juvenile for words. Break up, cut the apron strings, move out, go travelling, concentrate on you career or whatever it takes to make you both grow up.

Herrick

OP, why did you get so annoyed that he couldn't go with you to the event? Is it because you think he was using being sick as an excuse to not go with you? Have you been worried lately that he is going off you by any chance?