Brother issues

LegacyUser

Hi all,

To cut a long story short, I've not been speaking to my brother for over a year at this point.

Quick bit of background, I've been with my fiancé for about 4 years and we have a 2 and a half year old; my brother has been going out with his fiancé for about 7-8 years. Also I mention my parents quite a bit through this but they're almost their own story on their own so I'd like to focus on the brother aspect.

Back when we first started dating my parents took an affront as I started heading out more and staying over at her house, they didn't approve and so there were a lot of arguements with my parents at the time. Meanwhile my brother and his gf were around quite often on weekends (we''d often be around hanging out on weekends). roll forward a few months and things between us and my parents had improved and my brother and his gf were almost never around. Then we got pregnant and my parents went ballistic, immediately after this my brother and his gf we back on the scene hanging out again every weekend (despite the horrendous abuse my parents lashed at us we still would hang around a bit on weekends, I was still living at home too).

roll forward another few months and I was off on work placement as part of my college course then our daughter was born and as soon as this happened we moved in together. Our daughter was (and still is) an amazing kid and both families absolutely adored her, this took the attention away from my brother and his gf (who up until I met my gf was the only girl besides my mother around the family so she sort of adopted this daughter in law role in the family). So now my daughter was in the limelight and this seemed to push my brothers gf away even more.

Roll on another few months and we get engaged, my parents were not thrilled and then told my brother that I'd bought her a promise ring. But after we cleared that one up his gf once again shyed away and if she was around when our wedding was mentioned or if we were telling them what we'd like to do for our wedding she'd wear this awful scowl on her face. It really seemed to piss her off that we'd only been going out about a year and a half before we got engaged and that she'd been waiting almost 5-6 years for the same.

Roll on another year and he finally asked her to marry him (I still think he was cowed into it) and they tell us that they planned to wed three days after us. I kicked up a fuss and told him that wasn't on and to move their wedding far away from ours. They had even been asking us about our wedding the week beforehand and we told them exactly when we were planning to get married so there was no accidental stepping on toes. So he said no to changing the date and we stopped talking.

Roll on again and at a family event his gf had the cheek to snubb us and blanked the two of us. I text her the next day asking for an apology, and she then rang MY MOTHER saying that she didn't know what she'd done to upset us (rather than her husband to be). So I get a bollicking from my mother about it and I tell her to stuff it and we didn't speak to or see my parents for almost two months because of this. We eventually got back talking to them and they agreed this strife was none of their business and they backed off (with a sort of apology).

Then we find out from my Uncle that they had actually moved their wedding to before ours and didn't have the courtesy to tell us.

Until today I hadn't spoken to my brother as I refused to be the one to bridge the gap as we had done nothing wrong. His wedding is in less than a few weeks and I don't intend to attend. My parents are insistent that we patch things up before hand.

I finally received a phone call from him today, not an apology mind but he asked that I meet him, my Dad and my other brother at my parents house on Saturday to sort things out. I was caught off guard by the call and agreed to the meeting. The thing is it stinks of a trap and the only way this can ever be sorted is if his gf agrees to meet the two of us. My brother told me before that she wouldn't be able to meet us as she wouldn't be able for it (complete BS).

So I feel that I should ring him back and say that I want to change things and have it on neutral ground without my dad or my other brother. Just the four of us who are really involved in all of this.

What do you guys reckon? Does it sound like the trap it seems to be?

jimmycrackcorm

my brother is an ass wrote: »

they tell us that they planned to wed three days after us. I kicked up a fuss and told him that wasn't on and to move their wedding far away from ours.

I don't believe you have any right to dictate when they should get married.

Roll on again and at a family event his gf had the cheek to snubb us and blanked the two of us. I text her the next day asking for an apology

So I get a bollicking from my mother about it and I tell her to stuff it and we didn't speak to or see my parents for almost two months because of this. We eventually got back talking to them and they agreed this strife was none of their business and they backed off (with a sort of apology).

Until today I hadn't spoken to my brother as I refused to be the one to bridge the gap as we had done nothing wrong. His wedding is in less than a few weeks and I don't intend to attend.

So apart from demanding they change their wedding date, demanding an apology from his GF and ignoring your parents for two months, you think you've done nothing wrong.

I finally received a phone call from him today, not an apology mind but he asked that I meet him, my Dad and my other brother at my parents house on Saturday to sort things out.

The thing is it stinks of a trap and the only way this can ever be sorted is if his gf agrees to meet the two of us.

Reading your OP, I've picked out these indicators that make it appear you are being overtly difficult

My brother told me before that she wouldn't be able to meet us as she wouldn't be able for it.

I'd well believe that.

Anyway, your post doesn't make you out to have the high moral ground. Why even bring in the whole having a kid thing as part of this unless there is something else that is relevant.

I'd suggest you don't be petty about not attending your brothers wedding over literally nothing at all - life's too short.

Overheal

I'm not going to say you're brother isn't being a dick. Because, he is. However as above, if he wants to plan his wedding at whatever time, theres nothing you can really command about it. It's also evident that for whatever reason however justified it may be, you don't support his relationship or at least you think theirs will not work because of your brother's seeming commitment issues. So those are your sources of conflict. What resolution would you like from this?

For something to be a "trap" - I don't even know how to finish that sentence. It's only a trap if it somehow forces you into an outcome you don't want. Trapping an alcoholic into an intervention, would be a 'trap'. By labeling it a trap you're alluding to some kind of negative outcome you don't want to happen but that you feel you are powerless to change. What's the worst that could happen, you both reconcile but he keeps his wedding plans?

LegacyUser

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

I don't believe you have any right to dictate when they should get married.



So apart from demanding they change their wedding date, demanding an apology from his GF and ignoring your parents for two months, you think you've done nothing wrong.



Reading your OP, I've picked out these indicators that make it appear you are being overtly difficult



I'd well believe that.

Anyway, your post doesn't make you out to have the high moral ground. Why even bring in the whole having a kid thing as part of this unless there is something else that is relevant.

I'd suggest you don't be petty about not attending your brothers wedding over literally nothing at all - life's too short.

hi guys,

i am the ops partner so im am biased but i just wanted to clarify a few things,

1: the problems between the brother and my partner could fill a book at this stage he just couldn't write everything that happened here.

2. again i am biased but if you actually knew him my partner is anything but difficult! his brother on the other hand has a bit of a bullying persona.

3. i agree they should make up but i do support my partner in whatever he decides.

4. the reason our daughter was brought into this as she is the only child cut from his wedding considering she is the brothers one and only niece (the boys cousins are children and are invited) and as we discovered when she was 3 months old his brother was implying she did not even exist. the brothers parents have even admitted they believe the problems have been caused by his fiancee's jealousy of our daughter, they do believe she is the one behind all this unpleasantness, so unless these issues are addressed with her she will keep causing these problems, she is adding fuel to the fire she started.

5. its not just the my partner (the op) involved here, the boys uncle (the mothers brother and the priest doing both weddings) has also agreed with us this is ridiculous what the brother/brother's fiancee is doing, and he is currently refusing to attend their wedding if our daughter doesn't go. the boys mother has also said she won't go either after witnessing how nasty they were to us. one of the boys parents have even said that the fiancee has 'changed' since they got engaged, i think bridezilla was the term used, they are cutting people left right and centre from the op's family. she even bullied the mother into going wedding shopping rather then visiting a very sick aunt, the uncle (the priest) was absolutely disgusted over this treatment of his sister. (i am only saying this to give you the idea of what kind of people are involved in this)

6. i agree they can marry when they want but deliberately organizing it 3 days later is a different matter, also after telling your brother you are not changing your date, then doing it without telling him is a dick move considering the circumstances. if he wanted to not upset him he could have told him he had changed the date and telling his parents not to tell my partner was just cruel on them too.

7. while a trap may be strong words i can see why he chose them, like i said the boys are very domineering while my partner was always the 'quiet one' who did what he was told, as soon as he made his own decisions, they didn't like that, they know he wouldn't have a chance to have his say with two of them ganging up on him, (he can stand up to me and other people he doesn't do it often but he can if he has to) but when it comes to his brother he just backs down then walks away after saying " i don't agree with any of that", its just the way its always been, big brother gets his way my partner relents , but i think thats the idea. this re-conciliation has only come about by the way from the brother because he knows now that his family are starting to see the bullying that is going on, and i think personally this an attempt to cover that up,


but then like i said i am biased listening to my partner go on about this, my partner is quite upset by all this and believe me wants it resolved, but at the same time he doesn't believe he should have to compromise after letting so much go before in an attempt to reconcile and having it thrown back in his face afterwards and repeatedly.

bubbaloo

Okay OP - as your partner said, you couldn't possibly put every detail here of what's gone on, but I think that no matter what has gone on, your brother made the effort to call you and to ask you to meet with him.
I think you should go along and hear what he has to say.

You never know what's been going on in their lives - maybe he'll apologise. If you don't go, you'll probably regret not having taken the oppotunity to hear him out. If you're not satisfied with what he has to say, then make your decision and keep your distance, but at least you'll be able to say you heard him out.

My brother is a dick aswell and we remain civil to each other but there is no real connection there. A lot has gone on over the years and I would be very interested to hear his side of the story if he ever wanted to sit down with me. Take the opportunity when it's offered - hear him out - and make your choice afterwards.

Beruthiel

my brother is an ass wrote: »

they tell us that they planned to wed three days after us. I kicked up a fuss and told him that wasn't on and to move their wedding far away from ours. They had even been asking us about our wedding the week beforehand and we told them exactly when we were planning to get married so there was no accidental stepping on toes.

If your brother knew in advance when the date of your wedding was, then it would appear that his g/f decided on 3 days afterwards to spite you.

However, I would suggest you not fight with him over this.
All you need to do is ask him why he picked that date when he knew ye were getting married 3 days earlier.
Be calm, you gain nothing by loosing your temper.

Also, with that much drama and grief going on, I believe I would just decide to go off and elope. Maybe just bring two or four friends with you if you'd like the company.
Dead cheap, totally stress free and a lovely holiday and memory.

daisybelle2008

oprelated1 wrote: »

my partner is quite upset by all this and believe me wants it resolved, but at the same time he doesn't believe he should have to compromise after letting so much go before in an attempt to reconcile and having it thrown back in his face afterwards and repeatedly.

All this drama, fighting and ignoring people and demanding apologies is crazy. Yet ye both seem so caught up with it. There are many sides to every story and the past is the past. Just build a bridge and get over it, for the sake of your daughter. Why on earth would you want all this drama and hostility in your life?
You say you could fill a book, well seriously it is time to get over it and make some peace within your family. Let the girl do what she wants with her wedding and invite who she wants. Don't let it bother you so much. Jesus, you people are really addicted to getting your backs up over something that can be easily ignored.
I'd say ye spend hours talking about all on this negative crap and get pissed off/and or involving other family in this nonsense (I can't keep up with Uncles and children, who is ignoring who etc...).
BTW this...' she even bullied the mother into going wedding shopping rather then visiting a very sick aunt, the uncle (the priest) was absolutely disgusted over this treatment of his sister. (i am only saying this to give you the idea of what kind of people are involved in this'….this absolutely ridiculous comment says to me ye are all just as bad as each other.

Why not just go to the wedding and speak to your family FFS, no-one is asking ye to be best buddies with this girl. Just be polite and keep a friendly distance going forward. I don't understand why ye are letting her bother ye so much. Are ye not happy with your own lives?
Seriously enjoy yer lives and get over all this childish petty BS.

Starokan

Put the past behind you, it seems to me that you wont be happy unless you get some sort of big apology , that happens between friends but in my experience rarely happens in families. The olive branch has been extended by your brother, accept it, go meet them and put an end to this. If you feel its a case of you being ganged up on then ask your brother to meet you on your own first, clear the air with him and then meet the others.

I appreciate the wedding 3 days after yours was unusual to say the least but sure how bad would it really have been to have two happy events within a few days of each other. I honestly cant see the big problem, yes you both would have been the centre of attention but sure how bad would that have been. It could have been so nice to have family gathered like that for an extended period of time.

I hope you sort it out, if it seems after the meeting that you cant then you may have to consider cutting them out of your life completely. You can get caught up dwelling on issues like this for years. Good luck with this and with your own wedding too.

LegacyUser

I would love to put the past behind us but it's just all wreaked of pettyness on their part. I met my brother around a year ago to confront him about the wedding being three days after and not being happy with it. So we met and talked and seemed to come to a resolution and agreed to let bygones be bygones between us, even though he wouldn't change the wedding date. He said that his gf would not be able to meet the two of us to apologise or even talk. So we said that at least lets all just be civil to each other and be polite in each others company and that was agreed on..

That was grand (ish) until the family event where his gf blanked us the whole night, thats why I went in search of an apology as I felt her attitude was unjustified. It was shortly after this that we learned they had changed their wedding to before ours.

To be honest after the fuss we had kicked up over the original wedding date, and him insisting there was no way they could change their date, it was a big blow to find out that they'd moved. Maybe it suited better, I don't know. So surely they could have approached us and said, look we know we upset ye first time round but it turns out we want to move the date. I would have been happy because he would have shown an interest. The timing of their wedding doesn't bother me like it did when it was three days after but the fact they don't want to calm things is quite offensive.

So that's why I'm still annoyed and I have a niggling feeling that my Dad is and has always been on his side. So I'm nervous of being outgunned tomorrow and I'm generally crap when it comes to arguing with my family.

I wish this could all go away and sure I could just let it all go an move on, but that would be me having to give in and concede defeat when I know I'm right. I don't often stand up for myself but I won't back down on this. We deserve an apology from both of them, but I don't think I'm going to get it and at this point I think I'd rather not have either of them in my life anymore anyway.

Ickle Magoo

My advice? Rise above it. Stop demanding they change the date of their wedding and demanding apologies - it makes you look every bit as petty as they are. You've got your wedding date, if they want to be rude and silly, let them - it's only going to look badly on them if you turn the other cheek. If you get dragged into the bitching and pettiness - and tbh there's a fair bit of it in you/your partners posts - then you are going to look every bit as bad as they do and the family is, justifiably, going to lay at least half the blame for all this drama at your door.

What's to argue about, really? Get on with your wedding plans, let her sulk if she wants and just get on with things with a big smile on your faces. Life's too short to be tying yourself in knots over silly stuff like wedding dates and people you don't even like ignoring you. If it is causing too much hassle, just take yourselves off and have a lovely day on your own somewhere exotic or just share it with close friends.

All the best.

Graciefacey

I remember your posts on this topic in the past but my god its ridiculous. It seems that the pair of Ye are sitting behind a screen waiting for somebody, anybody, to say oh Ye poor darlings your brother is a prick how dare he etc. Sorry to be harsh but yere all as bad as each other