Can't move on from the past, unsure about future.

TheOphelia

Hi all,

Good advice seems to be given in this forum and am sick of bashing things around my own head, another opinion would be great. I know my problem might seem trivial in light of the struggles people are facing in the recession but here goes. It might sound like a relationship problem at first, but its not!

A few years back, I spent some time in Australia. I came home much earlier than I should have, firstly because I was not getting on with a girl who had joined our traveling party, and secondly (most stupidly) for a boy. After a relationship of a few years, things with my boyfriend ended as we did not want the same things. It was on bad terms for a while but while I was in Oz, we got back on speaking terms and I started to realise how much I missed him. He was telling me the same thing. To cut a long story short, I came home early to see him, met up with him, and he completely effed me over. Within a week of me coming home, he decided not to talk to me anymore.

That relationship however, is not the problem. I am well over now and as these few years have passed, I cannot help but bitterly bitterly regret coming home early from Australia for someone who turned out to be such a waste of time. At the time, I really believed we would get back together, I would never have come home on a whim.

The short time I spent in Australia was the absolute best time of my life. I met some of my best friends there, who despite maybe not living in Ireland, mean the world to me. I am constantly filled with regret that I could've spent double the time i did there if I had not have come home early over my ex. It was the best time of my life, and I often think how it could've been better if I stayed.

I can't seem to move on from this, even though I'm home a couple of years now. I seem to spend my time constantly looking through photos of my time there, or reminiscing about it with my best friend who traveled with me. It's like I can't move on from it.... Sometimes I feel that if I had've stayed for the duration, I would look back on it fondly as a life experience but because I didn't, I'm bitter that I could have experienced so much more...

I would literally give anything to go back. With the economic hardship we're living in, every second day I see someone on Facebook say they're off to Australia, or I see people already there putting up photos; to say I pretty much seethe with jealously would not be an understatement. Some people I know aren't even going to Australia out of choice, but necessity, and I'd still give anything to be them.

How do I move on from this? The simple answer is to go back and experience more but I recently returned to education after I lost my job so I have to concentrate on getting that degree now. It's getting me down being here, it's such a depressing time to be in Ireland and if I could afford even sun holidays to tide me over, that'd be great but I am a poor student now! My mind constantly drifts to a longing to just travel and experience. I know I need someone to tell me to just get over it.... I've tried, I just feel a bit lost. Any advice would be appreciated

Taltos

Hi OP - been thinking a bit about your post, and I think maybe you are stuck in a closed cycle here of wishing for what you don't have and regretting the decisions you have made. I think you need to relook at some of your choices and try to see them with a balanced eye.

1. Leaving Aus for the failed relationship at home.
Look - if you had stayed in Aus then this could possibly have been one of your life-long regrets. "Oh what if I had come home, me and Matt would be married by now with a house and children..." See what I did there, you made a choice to come home to try again on a relationship. That took some guts, leaving somewhere you were very happy to make sure later you had no regrets.
Next time you start feeling bad about coming home remind yourself you did it to give this relationship one last shot to ensure that you had no future regrets.
On a related note - I hope you have cut this messer 100% out of your life. Sounds like the kind of person who makes themselves feel better at the expense of others.

2. Returning to Aus & College
Stay in your course and finish it. However - set a goal for yourself - that of moving to Aus when you are finished in college. This goal should be what drives you on to do the best you can do on your course.
In the meantime start planning where you want to move to over there, put a little bit aside when you can afford to for the expense of travelling. Keep in touch with your friends there and use their support as the encouragement to complete your course and save what you can when you can.

Really do what you can to break the negative outlook you are stuck in. OK, you are not happy with some of your choices - but for better or worse they have now set you up to get a 3rd level qualification and nothing is stopping you from plannning for and achieving the life you want.

(as I said really hope you have cut that messer out though...)

Mr. Loverman

It sounds like you are both living in the past and living in the future... and trying not to live in the present.

You need to figure out what would make you happy right now, today, and also work out a long term plan which will get you where you want to be.

The long term plan is easy: after my degree I will go to Australia and have a great time.

But right now you need to fill your life with happy things. A good place to start would be to get rid of the things which are depressing you. For example, any negative friends. Maybe your Facebook account. And then replace them with positive things such as an exercise routine and no alcohol (you will be amazed how much happier you will feel if you cut out the booze and get healthy.)

But all in all it's really just a mindset change and a few tweaks here and there. You can do it, just stay positive and try to make your life better today.

TheOphelia

Thank you both so much for your replies, from the bottom of my heart I appreciate you taking the time to read, consider and reply to my problem.

A problem shared is a problem halved and I already feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. This just didn't ever seem the type of problem I'd share with my friends and family, I thought they'd think I was being silly but I'm so happy with the advice I got from you guys. You've shown me perspective.

Taltos I read your reply on the bus this morning through my phone and I immediately felt better. So much so, my eyes went a little glisten-like! It never occurred to me before to see me coming home in a positive light - it prevented what probably would have been an even bigger life regret. So next time I feel bad about cutting my time there short for him, I'll tell myself I gave it a shot and I did it so I'd have no future regrets regarding what could've happened with him and at least I tried. I often feel stupid when people ask me why I left Australia early and I just brush it off! But sure we live and learn. And don't worry, he's long gone!:D I've not seen him on a one to one basis since that one time I met up with him a few days after I came home from Australia a few years ago. Very seldom I might see him at opposite ends of various pubs but I happily walk in the other direction! And as you said, whatever has happened, it's led me to college and that's a great thing, which will give me greater potential afterwards. I just need to stop focusing on the negatives in what has happened.... For everything a reason

Mr. Loverman I think you hit the nail on the head when you said I am both living in the past and living in the future. I constantly think about the past (namely Australia) but at the same time, I rarely think about the "now". I'm constantly thinking about things that I should do in the future, usually the immediate future and these are plans that usually never come to be.... One day I'd be thinking "Oh maybe I should go to New York this summer on a J1 as I'm a student now" and another I'd be thinking "Maybe I'll go to London for the summer.".... I don't know where I do imagine I'd get the money for all these plans from! :rolleyes: I think you're right when you say I need a solid, long term plan, and not little sporadic, spur of the moment ones. I will really work on being happy now, today..... as a rule I already don't stand for any negativity or bitchiness in my life.... I've had this rule for about a year now and that in itself has helped me feel more content....I'll work on finding other things in my life that help me stay positive!:)

Thank you both again for your help, you'll never know how much I appreciate it, your advice has been very helpful xx