Feel down

LegacyUser

I am getting down about my whole situation, unemployed (like so many) my girlfriend is now pregnant and we (I) was happy that is what we wanted, thought we were in it for the long haul. My girlfriend wants/ed to get married, I've tried for work but I cannot get anything, I got means tested and get very little, feel reliant on her and Im not happy about that, my girlfriend works and we agreed come the time the baby arrives I will look after the baby. Unfortunately she is spending like mad on her credit card and I am running out of savings, when I tried to bring it up, she lost it saying she will look after her baby and her own problems.
I feel so upset that she has turned on me like this, we live in my house and share costs, I cant understand how she see's things, she will be worse off if she has to try rent somewhere and pay to for creche, so much that she would be throwing money away,and then my savings will be gone, I will probably lose the house. I havent done extravagant things like frequent holidays, my car is pretty old, she has been talking about new this and that and a holiday?? wtf! I dont get it!

When I see people say people are then scrounging off the dole, it makes me sink to new lows, Im not in neg equity (currently) depending on prices, but I dont think I it would even sell as mortgages arent being given out (from what I gathered) I would have nothing left and in my late 30's, Id literally be on the street, I'd have nowhere to go, might not get to see my child??.
I cant understand why she is being so dissagreeable, she wanted a baby, to get married, I dont want to lose her, but she is hurting me when I feel down already, to the point its damaging how I care about her.
I feel like an idiot, she doesnt listen to me and I think she might be controlling things because she has the money, foolishly I even started praying, to win just 20K just to let me tide things over for a while , never mind the jackpot, what an idiot.

Reesy

Hey OP, sorry about your troubles.

A suggestion: If you find yourself some voluntary work a few hours a week, it would get you out of the house and give you something to keep you busy, and might help you find something paid.

Lola B

Hi OP,

I can't imagine how bad you feel that is a really awful situation to be in.. You don't mention what work experience you have or if you have a degree, I agree with Reezy about getting out of the house.. I don't know if this is a stupid suggestion because it depends on your experience/degree but maybe you could offer to work for free on a trial basis somewhere?

It's possible that your girlfriend has decided that you've completely lost hope, if you are constantly talking about how hopeless your job situation is you need to STOP, because she will probably decide that with that attitude there is no chance of you getting out of your situation. Even if you end up working for free on a trial basis or for charity it might show her that you are staying positive.

Could you and your girlfriend leave the country?

LegacyUser

I never really let on to her that I was losing any kind of hope,I was hopeful of a baby coming and thought I would have more purpose and she could keep her career, so it is something I kept to myself. I was actually really concerned about her spending and tried to get through to her that we would need to be careful especially with a baby coming, she doesnt seem to want to hear any input from me, thats the bit that mostly got me down as when I tried to make suggestions of how we might need to plan for the future, she has gotten annoyed on a number of occasions.
It isnt something I brought up regularly about finance but I felt the need to insist on it lately as she is living at her financial limits and when my savings run out that will be all I can contribute. Her telling me she would leave and take care of her baby really felt like a knife in me, I dont know why she would say that, I was stunned.
I dont have a degree, Id hoped to get a job to build up some cash or at least pay my way until her maternity leave is over, I feel we will be better off here than moving abroad, honestly I dont have the time to do free work with the hope of a paid job maybe, not meaning to sound unrealistic, but by the time that might materialise I might have to quit to look after the baby. Maybe doing volunteer work might be as good, I did some in the past but I felt some of the people were actually better off than me, of course some were in a terrible situation.

edellc

Look your GF is probably stressed to bits, imagine finding yourself pregnant, and the bread winner and feeling like it is all on your shoulders....I know I was her

The bright side is your better off than I was you own a house you own a car luxuries I could not afford. You need to sit down and have an adult conversation with your GF, about what is going to happen financially.

Since you are doing nothing all day why dont you go down to the social welfare or to your community welfare officer and speak to someone as to what you are entitled to once the baby gets here then at least you are more aware of what your finances are. You may also be entitled to money for help with a cot, buggy and so on.

As for your GF wanting new this and that I totally understand when its your first baby thats just natural to want new and clean and when you see everyone else trotting off to mothercare getting this and that and doing up a nursery you naturally want to provide that too...its normal

Also maybe its time to lower your standards regarding work, the baby isnt here yet so you need to try to do all you can to find employment of any kind so that you can put money by for the arrival.

But most importantly you need to sort out your differences with your partner believe me a baby makes a relationship harder not easier and sleep deprivation once baby is here is not fun and makes the smallest thing into the biggest arguments, write down your worries that gets things in prospective and sit down and talk...calmly tell her that first and for most you are partners equals and need to talk about the future sooner rather than later

As for marriage, worry about the baby finances first the rest will eventually happen but at the minute it should be the last thing on both of your minds

take care OP I really hope you get it all sorted out, peace and love

LegacyUser

Ive tried to lighten the burden but she wont allow me to do certain things like take care of the finances, something Im concerned about and which she seems bad at and hasn't the time,besides that I do a lot of the other stuff at home. The stuff money has been spent on is not baby stuff, we got some free stuff second hand, which I feel is more than ok and it saves us what I can tell is a fortune, some of it is nearly new. I just dont know what she is spending money on, just that she let it slip that she was overdrawn right after she got paid, but no explanation as to why?
I've tried to explain that owning the house is an advantage as we have something but she insists she could rent if I pry as to where the money is going? that would be a foolish waste in my mind for the sake of not coming clean of what is going on and would wreck things for us, I think it is an idle threat as she would need to scrape a deposit together, but still dont know why she would say it.

The car, so used to it I see it as a necessity, its nearly 15 years old so I dont see it as a luxury but I would be completely stuck without it, I dont drink (very rare) or smoke (at all) so I kinda see possible drink money (which would be a waste) is my insurance,tax and petrol, but it doesnt get used much,do my own work on it so thats a saving.

I'd take anything but I got disheartened after not getting replies or declined, didnt feel the jobs were really there.
I would love to sit down and talk about plans/finances but she refuses to, when I try bring it up she says I am always on about it, which is untrue, but I keep having to come back to it because she keeps deflecting it and not giving any answers either what to do about money or just what our priorities are? she was all mad for a wedding going to fairs (dragging me along) but this was before I was made aware she was overdrawn,has no savings and has other debt, the wedding is the last thing on my mind, Ive told her we need to postpone it, she got annoyed and said may as well cancel it, I just dont know?
I appreciate the advice, I feel like I am venting some frustration here, which helps, still feel a bit upset about it, I thought I was going so wrong, lot of people seem to be managing or even very well.

snafuk35

Maybe she should have an abortion and have the baby sometime later when it is affordable?

Ickle Magoo

snafuk35 Banned for a week.

If you cannot offer mature, inoffensive and constructive advice then you will have your posting rights to this forum permanently revoked.

WhyGoBald

I never really let on to her that I was losing any kind of hope,I was hopeful of a baby coming and thought I would have more purpose and she could keep her career, so it is something I kept to myself.

You really have to start talking to each other again.

There is a major communication failure between the two of you which is threatening the relationship, and you need to address it. You are focused on your girlfriend's spending, which may be a legitimate concern, but you are making it, and her, a scapegoat instead of dealing with the real issues. Your reaction to it, in postponing the wedding, seems to have been taken by her to mean that you're not really invested in the relationship any more. She is reading your loss of self-worth and lack of certainty about the future as disinterest in her.

You both need to straighten up and plan your futures in this time you have before the baby comes, which if you are both committed to a future together will require open and joint financial planning, which in turn will clarify your own situation somewhat. (And there's nothing stopping you from having a nice, small, no-frills wedding if that's what you both want.) You seem down, and that (I think) is giving you an overly pessimistic or distorted view, so I really think you need to address that.

Essentially, you are not acting as a team, and you need to make use of whatever resources you can to start communicating your plans and expectations. You each need to support the other, because you are going through some life-altering experiences right now, and your relationship needs to adjust. Even if the money you may have to spend on it is difficult to scrape together, consider it well-invested.

prinz

That's a tought situation to be in OP. You need to sit down and discuss it with her. It's true that what you see in her, maybe be a reflection of how you are viewing yourself at present... i.e. everything she buys is a reminder to you of how you are out of work etc. and things snowball and build up. You need to talk to her. If money management isn't great suggest you go talk to MABS with her. There's a lot of stress there it's no wonder you turn on each other to some degree.

Pawn wrote: »

foolishly I even started praying, to win just 20K just to let me tide things over for a while , never mind the jackpot, what an idiot.

Praying isn't a bad thing. Chances are you won't get 20K in your lap it's not an ATM service but it might help to have that time to yourself to reflect on things and think them over. Even if it's just on a park bench or somewhere to take a few minutes to contemplate.