Living a dead end life

LegacyUser

Lately I've been feeling like I've run my life into a dead end. I'm a 22 year old woman and I'm a single mother. At the moment I'm living with my parents in the middle of nowhere and getting lone parents allowence. I can't afford to move out into my own place but it isy dream to do so.
Even though I have a college qualification, it's not an area I can work in at the moment, actually I can't work anyway because I can't afford childcare. If I could work I would actually take any job, no matter what it was!
In september I went back to college to study something different. It was only a 20 day course over 20 weeks and I'll be finished that next week. However, I am not qualified to start working in that area untill I do another follow up course. The problem is that these courses are all located in Dublin, are mostly full time and way out of my league financially. They are totally impossible as if I were to do one I would have to move to Dublin and pay for childcare. It's just completely out of the question!
If I were to qualify in this area I could actually afford to go to work, move out of my parents and provide an independant life for myself and my child. I just can't do it though!
I'm living in the "sunny southeast", the nearest town has absolutly nothing to offer at the best of times and now in the recession it's just totally depressing. I have no friends left because the last few years have been pretty tough for me. All the young people in the area have left for college, jobs or Australia and have'nt come back so there's no oppertunity to make new friends.
I go out an occaisional weekend with my younger sister but the night out is expensive and the people are underage/ scumbags or both! I's just so depressing I could'nt be bothered going out anymore.
I joined a club recently but I had to leave it because I depended on lifts in and out from my parents and I had to organise babysitting. It was a pitty I had to leave as I actually enjoyed it.
Basically, I have no friends, I can't continue my education, move out, work etc. I'm litterally trapped in a dead end.
Any ideas what I can do?

Mully_2011

Would be possible for you to do the coursework from Home through online or distance learning ??

R.D. aka MR.D

What about the child's father? or it's grandparents on the other side? Can they not provide you with support?

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies, I'll look into an online course but the subject I'm studying is very practical so I don't know if it's possible. It's certainly worth a shot though!

My child's dad has passed away. His parents don't live nearby and we don't really get on so I'd rather not involve them in my life any more than I have to!

Nothingbetter2d

if you can drive perhaps ask your parents to put you as a named driver on their car... this would at least give you some freedom to go to your social group.

also if your child is old enough for school it would allow you choose a course in a college abit closer to home.

theg81der

Why can`t you move to the nearest town with a college? You have a housing need so would be put on the housing list and would get rent allowance. You could get back to education allowance to go to college, along with this you could work up to 20 hours part time as far as I know. I don`t see any reason why you couldn`t manage. Yes it would be hard but what do you expect? I hope your choosing wisely what college course to study. Having been through the system now I would advice computers and forgetting anything businessy.

edellc

theg81der wrote: »

Why can`t you move to the nearest town with a college? You have a housing need so would be put on the housing list and would get rent allowance. You could get back to education allowance to go to college, along with this you could work up to 20 hours part time as far as I know. I don`t see any reason why you couldn`t manage. Yes it would be hard but what do you expect? I hope your choosing wisely what college course to study. Having been through the system now I would advice computers and forgetting anything businessy.

she may have a housing need but she wouldnt get rent allowance as you have to be renting privately for 6mths and have proof of doing this in order to meet the criteria for RA, she could however talk to the CWO and see if they could help but it is purely at their discretion

she also has to be on the housing list and again this takes time once you apply you have to go for an interview with them to assess your need and depending on where the OP is this can take up to 3 mths

so its not as cut and dry as you make out, unless the OP has the means to support herself for at least 6mths with regards to rent then I can totally see her dilemma

the only other way around it is if she turns up at the CWO claiming to be homeless, that her parents kicked her and the baby out then she would be put into emergency accommodation until a suitable place can be found, usually they end up in b&b's and then put into a grubby flat until social housing comes through and again this can take quite a while to happen and realistically it is truly for the totally needy and you have to ask if any sane person who is living in a loving family unit would really put themselves and their child through this just for social house....I think not

theg81der

edellc wrote: »

she may have a housing need but she wouldnt get rent allowance as you have to be renting privately for 6mths and have proof of doing this in order to meet the criteria for RA, she could however talk to the CWO and see if they could help but it is purely at their discretion
Getting Rent Supplement

Rent Supplement will only be provided if the accommodation is suitable for your needs and the rent is below the maximum rent limit set for your county.
You may get Rent Supplement if you have been living for 6 months (183 days) out of the last 12 months in one, or a combination, of the following:

• Accommodation for homeless people.
• Private rented accommodation. You can combine time living in more than one rented accommodation to satisfy the 6 months (183 days). You must be able to show that you could afford the rent at the beginning of your tenancy and that you could have continued to pay rent but are unable to do so because of a change in your circumstances which occurred after you started renting.
• An institution, for example, a hospital, care home or place of detention.

Or

• Have been assessed by a local authority as being eligible for and in need of social housing in the last 12 months. If you don't have a housing need assessment, you must go to the local authority to have your housing need assessed. The local authority must be in the area that you intend to live and claim Rent Supplement. Only when you are assessed as eligible for and in need of housing can you apply for Rent Supplement. Rent Supplement is not payable while the local authority is carrying out a housing needs assessment.

she also has to be on the housing list and again this takes time once you apply you have to go for an interview with them to assess your need and depending on where the OP is this can take up to 3 mths

so its not as cut and dry as you make out, unless the OP has the means to support herself for at least 6mths with regards to rent then I can totally see her dilemma

the only other way around it is if she turns up at the CWO claiming to be homeless, that her parents kicked her and the baby out then she would be put into emergency accommodation until a suitable place can be found, usually they end up in b&b's and then put into a grubby flat until social housing comes through and again this can take quite a while to happen and realistically it is truly for the totally needy and you have to ask if any sane person who is living in a loving family unit would really put themselves and their child through this just for social house....I think not

So she has to go and be assessed, she can apply to college now and should be sorted by September. All you can see are problems if you want to see it that way.
If declaring herself homeless is what she needs to do to speed things up so be it. She has expressed a wish to get out of the situations she`s in - it is never going to be easy or a quick fix thats not life!

edellc

I know the link you posted and in writing all is great however my sister was in same situation and lived at home, she had a little boy not girl and lived in a single room in a single bed with her little boy for over three years before they moved her to her own apartment.

You sound terribly aggressive, and I just want to point out that I am not only seeing problems I am seeing the reality of the situation, do you actually think it is okay for someone to declare themselves homeless when in actual fact they are not just to get social housing or to be stuck in a b&b for god knows how long before a suitable place becomes available

Yes the OP needs to apply for college and work and so on but instead of trying to find ways to move out when she has a good support network at home why not learn to drive and save for a car, that gives her at least a bit of freedom but without the undue stress of a homeless situation that no one would wish on themselves nor their child.....

Oh and to point out if the OP has a baby girl and is sharing a room then that is not seen as a need for social housing, they look at the amount of room in the living facilities down stairs, the bedrooms are only looked at if say the op was sharing with her baby and other people in the family.

LegacyUser

Hi, op here again.

With regards to the council housing, I think if I apply for it I would get rent allowence to rent privately untill a space becomes available. I would need to be in need of housing though.
While I do have the support of my parents in terms of helping with my little one, the whole situation is tearing me apart emotionally.
I bought a car ages ago and though the car itself is not great, I am quite confident at driving. I am still a learner but I can't afford more lessons and nobody has the time to help me. Then my parents needed it and just kind of hijacked it so I rarely have it now. When it is there my mother won't let me drive with my daughter in the car and won't appove of me just practising apart from driving a small area around my house where I really am not improving anything.
I mentioned trying to move in with my only friend but they said I wouldn't be able to cope and that it was a bad idea.
The only thing they actually are on my side about is education but that's not possible untill I improve the driving and living situation.
I can't cope with the way things are anymore. There is heaps of arguments at home over lots of stuff so it's not a great enviornment for my child. I just wish my parents could be more supportive of my driving etc. I know I could go and do it anyway but there would be war over it. I would like them to support me in that way.
I'm going mental here, with no social contact really and it's making my depression worse.

theg81der

Everything you`ve said Op seems to indicate that you are still very much under your parents control. Your a mother yourself now, you need to take responsibility for yourself and your child. I`m not being aggressive or hostile I`m trying to be positive to motivate you into action. Come on you can do this - you can become an independant strong woman. This is going to be a hard road but at the end of it is something wonderful. The only way it will work will be if you live beside your college and a creche. It sounds to me like you might end out in a situation where you`ll never be good enough and your parent will manipulate things so they "have to" take your child and then they can use it against you forever - I`ve seen this happen. Maybe you are to dependant and you`re resisting taking responsibilty and clinging to your parents. I don`t know, only you do but if the current situation is not good for your child you need to live up to that as your main responsibility - you are not a child anymore and as such you need to assert yourself with regard to your parents.

Good luck!

solovely

I know things are pretty **** OP, and you're definitely not having an easy time of it, but you have to try concentrate on some positives and make a plan.

First off, you sound depressed, so maybe you should go to your GP and a counsellor to get your head cleared.

One of my best friends was in the same situation as you at your age, and I never once heard negativity like this from her. It was tough for a few years, but 9 years on she has a great life, lovely daughter, nice rented house, enough money to get by (she'll never be rich) and is very happy.

Learning from her and from others in similar situations, it sounds to me like you need to
- speak to your parents as adults. They need to realise you are not a child any more, so you can't act like one. No strops, no unreasonable demands, lots of gratitude for what they do, but also being firm and in control with regards to your life, your choices and your daughter.
- learn to drive. Again, that comes back to being firm with your parents. Try find a friend to go driving with. Practise as much as you can.
- reconnect with/ find new friends. So so important. I'm sure your friends haven't completely abandoned you. You will have let this happen, but I'm sure they still care. We made a huge effort with our friend cos we knew she needed us, but she also had to go out and make friends with other single mothers/ people in the area as we were all away at college. You'll do this through people, through clubs, through mother and toddler groups, playschool, etc. It's hard to put yourself out there, but needs to be done.
- keep fit and active, even if this is just taking your daughter for walks in the buggy, it'll really help your mental help.
- MAKE A PLAN!! Surely, when you found yourself pregnant, you made a plan as to how you would cope? I know things have changed, but you need to remember that plan and make a new/ altered realistic one, with 6 month, one year, five year, and 10 year goals. Write it down. Set yourself targets.
- speak to your CWO about housing and education. They will be able to advise you. I'm no expert, but I know from my friend she was able to go back and do FETAC childcare courses and get rent allowance and her single mother's allowance.
- find a hobby/ activity away from your child. Hopefully you can rely on your family/ a friend to take your daughter for a couple of hours a week to do something you are truly passionate about. Think about volunteering, running, camogie, there must be something in your area that's free and accessible. Again, look for solutions not problems.

Best of luck OP. You only have one life to live, as does your daughter, so it's up to you to make sure that is the best life possible for the two of you.