How to break up with co-habiting partner

LegacyUser

I've got what I feel is a huge problem. I'm in a relationship for over 4 years. Living together with her for over 2 years, in my house.

I want to break up with her. But she doesn't. I know this because I tried to break up before. I told her, tears flowed, I backed down and said let's give it another go. Right well, nothing has really changed in the meantime. The problem is, I'm just not in love with her. I love her for sure. She's probably the single person in the world that I hold most dear, along with my parents, but I love her like a sister or a really great friend. For various reasons that I won't go into, I just know I'll never want to marry and have children with her. I've thought about this a lot over the last year, and the longer we stay together as a couple, the more time is being wasted when we could each be finding someone else who suits us better. The last thing I want to do is hurt her... but realise this is inevitable too.

Now the problem I have is, how do I break up with her? She lives here. As soon as I say something, she's not only going to be utterly distraught, but also she'll have to move out. Like, this is going to be horrible (for her primarily, but also for me!). She's going to have to find another place to live, move all her stuff etc. She doesn't have a car so will need me or a friend to help her with this. Even before she moves out though, as soon as I say this to her, we'll be sleeping in separate beds in the house? It's going to be such an alien situation given that we've been together for so long.

I guess I'm looking for anyone who has been in a similar situation and wondering how you dealt with it. And, whether you managed to stay friends with the other person afterwards (in the medium/long term). Thanks.

I am a friend

browse22 wrote: »

I told her, tears flowed, I backed down and said let's give it another go.

You did her a huge injustice here cos you took the easy route for you. Were you back having sex with her after this even though you think of her in such a platonic manner??? If so, you were well out of order.

Its tough but I have done it and lots of people have. you have to be firm and help her get moving as soon as possible. Give her space and maybe, if she cant, then you stay with friends for a couple of days to let her get her head around it but most importantly once you have broken up with her, dont back down again - its not fair on her.

seeker11

It's a tough situation. I was thinking back to that situation when I was in it. There is no easy way to do it. You just have to sit her down, tell her and hold tough! It will be tough on her of course as she will have to restart a whole part of her life, but she will. Just don't give her any hope for the future as she would cling onto it.
The guy I was with ended up playing total mind games with me,tried to convince me I was behaving unreasonably,wanted a break and then told me he slept with a prostitute so I would leave.maybe you don't want to go to these extremes! It turned out he was with someone else. And we were just married!
I would just advise you to be firm with and hold tough,keeping your goal in sight. There is no easy way to do it. Keep strong!

seeker11

Sorry, missed your post that you backed down! There was always going to be tears! You are making a rod for your own back in the long run, and she knows it and won't feel safe and secure with you but lull herself into a false sense of security.
I hope you will be brave enough to break up with her. Of course it's tough, but this is only short term compared to the other long term alternative.

Miss Fluff

Not being funny, and I appreciate that it is not easy but you are really going to have to grab your balls and get on with it. I've been in your situation and it's awful - you know you're going to inflict pain on the person (I was with the guy six years) and it makes you feel horrible. Of course moving out is going to cause upheavel but if you know that it is dead in the water you're just going to have to get on with it. You're also going to have to be very definite in your actions and language and make it clear in no uncertain terms that there will be no going back. Even this talk of being friends in the medium/long term - that may or may not happen but if you instill any false hope it will make it even more painful in the long term. Rip the plaster off. Give her 2-3 weeks to move out and make a clean break. No talk of taking a break or being best friends or occassional sleepovers. Break ups are never easy but if you know it's over you're just prolonging the agony. If you've made your mind up then follow through once and for all.

bouncebouncey

First off I totally agree with Iamfriend here. I sincerely hope that when you backed down you didn't get back in the sack with the woman you view only in a platonic manner.

I'd also agree about the other advice. You just have to do it. Not everything in life is easy. This certainly won't be but you just have go through with it as painful as it may be.

browse22 wrote: »

As soon as I say something, she's not only going to be utterly distraught, but also she'll have to move out.

This worries me a little to be honest, although, it could just be a deceptive bit of syntax rather than your true intentions.

As soon as you say something ... she'll have to move out? Now I know you two living together for any prolonged period of time after the break up wouldn't be the best thing in the world but that makes it sound like she'd be expected to be out the door as soon as it happened.

I hope you'd at least give her a little time to sort out a new place to live and all the different stuff that surrounds having to move home. Maybe the sentence isn't written properly because what you've written equates to you breaking up with her then saying 'alright see you later get out of here and into somewhere else'

Kiera

I was in the same situation but I was living in my BF’s mothers apt with him and her. He slept on the couch while I looked for somewhere else to live. These things happen. The fact we were 100% over meant I wanted to get the hell out of there ASAP. The sooner you finish it the sooner she’ll start looking for somewhere else. BUT you do have to make it 100% clear that you wont be getting back together or she might take her time finding somewhere in the hope you’ll change your mind like you have done in the past.

ash23

Look it's crap to be the one who was dumped and then have to move etc. It's happened to me and I had a child in tow.
From the moment he told me he slept in the spare room and we kept out of each others way for the most part. He also helped me with the deposit on the new house. I arranged the new place and the move.
It was hard at the time but it's life and he did me a massive favour in the long run.
Just don't be a sh1t, don't waver and wobble over your decision, don't have pity sex with her, don't invade her personal space (like when my ex moved into the spare room he left his stuff in our room and wandered in every morning to get clothes and take a shower etc). Don't do stuff like that. You need to be clear and consistant.
Don't let her drag her heels about moving out. Make sure she is actively house hunting and if necessary give her a deadline to be out by.

Squ

Bar the obvious tears and what not, have you thought about what happens when she claims 50% of the house?

I'd get that into a family members name before anything else.

LegacyUser

Kiera wrote: »

I was in the same situation but I was living in my BF’s mothers apt with him and her. He slept on the couch while I looked for somewhere else to live. These things happen. The fact we were 100% over meant I wanted to get the hell out of there ASAP. The sooner you finish it the sooner she’ll start looking for somewhere else. BUT you do have to make it 100% clear that you wont be getting back together or she might take her time finding somewhere in the hope you’ll change your mind like you have done in the past.

i agree with this. my partner of 7 years, whom i had a child with, just told me it was over. but then when we were discussing things it became "i dunno if it'll be for good", "i just need time" etc. which has now given me hope. so right now i rationally know i need to try and move on in case he doesnt want to get back together; but because of his lack of certainty about the break up i still feel in my heart that i cant move on if theres still a chance. DON'T do that to her. there needs to be no ambiguity surrouning it. it is so much easier to move on when you are certain that its what you HAVE to do. if you try to tell her what she wants to hear and ease the blow without making it certain that its all over then you're prolonging her agony. make your mind up 100% and then tell her in a clear and respectful way.

as for being friends we need to be for our child but right now its all still uncertain and raw so i cant give you an answer on that one im afraid. but id like to think after the initial hurt etc. you may be able to build things back up as friends.

remember that you are changing her world/home/lifestyle/everything that you both have built up so it does need to be dealt with respectfully and with sensitivity. and she will feel like you're ruining everything but that is not from rational thinking on her part. its her initial feelings that will ease with time so try not to take it to heart.

all the best. please treat her well even if she hurls abuse at you. you've had time to process these feelings. it wil be a blow to her. she'll need time to process everything which you've already had. i hope i helped.

I am a friend

sunflower27 wrote: »

Can she claim 50% of a house if it is not in her name?

Yep for any contributions she made...

Miss Fluff

I am a friend wrote: »

Yep for any contributions she made...

Is this based on legal knowledge? I don't think that's the case at all - unless there was some kind of agreement, implied or otherwise. OP if you're concerned about her rights I'd be asking a solicitor and not relying on the advice of the good people of Boards.

ash23

No she can't.
They're not married, she's not (I am assuming) on the deeds or the mortgage. They don't have children etc. I am also assuming she didn't contribute to the deposit when OP bought the house.
She has no claim on the house. She may have claim to contents etc if she co-purchased them but at the moment, the rights of co-habiting couples in Ireland are not recognised.

If she was paying half the mortgage she has unfortunately left herself in a bad predicament.
The link below is clear in relation to property rights of a co-habiting couple.

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/problems_in_marriages_and_other_relationships/property_rights_and_the_breakdown_of_a_cohabiting_relationship.html

For any redress scheme to apply the couple must be co-habiting for 5 years (or two if there is a child)

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses.

Not that it matters that much, as I'm staying anonymous here, but still want to clear up a couple of things...

When I "backed down" before, it was about a year ago, I genuinely thought at the time that maybe it could work again. Got really emotional myself at the thought of losing her. But then the months passed and the same apathy I had before started to creep back. I'm more resolute in my own mind now - enough is enough.

I have not posted about this before, here or anywhere else.

I suppose what I was looking for here was just other people's experiences of similar situations. I know it'll be tough to go through with this. I'm in the steeling myself phase right now but like has been said, I know I just need to man up and get it over with...

Absolutely agree with the person who said: "you've had time to process these feelings. it wil be a blow to her. she'll need time to process everything which you've already had" ... yep definitely, again this is the big problem, she's not expecting this at all (like I haven't been really distant or ignoring her or anything recently, so for her this will be a big WTF moment initially).

Also to the suggestion that I want to kick her out of the house immediately, jesus... nothing could be further from my mind. I believe I said, the last thing I want to do is hurt her. What I meant was, it's going to be a surreal feeling in that limbo stage until she finds some other place to live. We've slept in the same bed for the last few years. Now we're going to spend the last hours/days/weeks (however long it'll be) of our relationship sleeping in separate bedrooms in the house, until she finds another place. ...But, you know, still needing to share the same kitchen in the evenings, TV, radio blah blah. That's nearly what's freaking me out the most - someone suggested that I go live with some friends for a few days, sounds like a decent suggestion.

I suppose a closing comment is this: part of the reason I found it impossible to go through with this previously is because she's probably my best friend in the whole world. Again, I understand that it's dangerous and perhaps foolish to think this could be maintained, even in the long term. But it does mean that it's going to be hard for me to deal with (even after she's gone) as well as being horrible for her.

Yeah... okay, enough. I will do this. Thanks.

I am a friend

browse22 wrote: »

But it does mean that it's going to be hard for me to deal with (even after she's gone) as well as being horrible for her.
.

Yep it is - thats why you got back with her the last time but you need to be sure you wont go down that path again.

I am a friend

ash23 wrote: »

No she can't.
They're not married, she's not (I am assuming) on the deeds or the mortgage. They don't have children etc. I am also assuming she didn't contribute to the deposit when OP bought the house.
She has no claim on the house. She may have claim to contents etc if she co-purchased them but at the moment, the rights of co-habiting couples in Ireland are not recognised.

If she was paying half the mortgage she has unfortunately left herself in a bad predicament.
The link below is clear in relation to property rights of a co-habiting couple.

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/problems_in_marriages_and_other_relationships/property_rights_and_the_breakdown_of_a_cohabiting_relationship.html

For any redress scheme to apply the couple must be co-habiting for 5 years (or two if there is a child)

I know the law but i also know of two cases where the girl took the house owner to court and he had to sell the house to pay her 'rent money' back.

No harm checking it - forewarned etc

solovely

Hi Browse22

I've been in your situation twice, so I know what it's like, although I didn't own the house either time.

One break up was mutual. Like you and your girlfriend, we were best friends, but we knew the passion was gone. We decided to break up, but stayed sharing a bed for about a month or two and I moved out. I was much younger then and things were just easier, and when I look back now I can't remember any trauma.

The second time was a lot harder. He didn't want to break up. Like you, I'd tried to break up twice before and backed down both times. When I did finally do it, he was devastated, and the weeks that followed were pretty tough.

Based on my experience, here's a few tips....
do the breaking up outside the home. I did it in a restaurant (tactless maybe) but it just meant we were on neutral ground, nobody was kicking anybody else out, and there were no hysterics.
It was really weird going home afterwards though and him going into the spare room upset.
I went home for the weekend then and we didn't chat again til I came back up the following weekend. It was good to have the space to think I think. He decided he'd move out as he coudln't afford the rent on his own, but we decided he could stay as long as it took to find somewhere.
Those few weeks were akward. He tried to move to get back with me a few times, and even though I was feeling lonely and upset, I made sure nothing happened. I kept busy, stayed out working late or doing activities (and avoiding drink!!) most evenings. He stayed in every evening playing computer games!!

Sorry, I was rambling there, back to the tips...

• Break up in a public place
• Take a few days away to think
• Give her time and space to move out
• Make your evenings really busy so you are not in the same place and don't get tempted. If you do have to chat in the evenings, try to avoid going over the break up again and again. Have civil polite conversation about telly, etc. like you would with a normal housemate.
• Offer to help her move. My ex was in the same position, not driving, so I had to move his stuff into the new place. Ideally they'd do it when you're not there, but if it makes it easier, help.
• Don't let her take the piss
• Try get someone new in to take over the spare room as soon as she goes. You go a bit mad (trust me) living alone after a break up!!
• Avoid meeting new girls until long after she's moved out (an obvious one you'd think, but not always)

ManOfMystery

Browse22,

I was also in your exact situation, though I didn't own the house either.

Had been going out with a girl for 4yrs, living together for around 2-3yrs. A lot of the passion had gone from our relationship and although I loved and cared for her, I wasn't in love with her - like you put it, it was very much a brotherly love. She was starting to mention marriage and things and I had no notion of it - just couldn't see myself married to her.

To be honest, I felt like I did for almost a year before I grew a set and sat down for 'the talk' with her. We'd had rows beforehand and countless opportunities for me to bring it up, but I always took the easy route and put it off until a later time. That was a mistake, which I fully admit - I should have dealt with it there and then.

Anyway, we broke up but continued to live together, with separate sleeping arrangements, and we fell into a strange routine. There was no longer any bf/gf relationship between us, but we still went out as friends and (looking back in hindsight) I can see my ex was still in a position where she was semi-behaving like my gf - texting me to see where I was if I was out, getting a bit narky if I was coming in late, etc. I may have been a free agent, but it didn't feel that way. Eventually I met someone else (who I'm now getting married to) and that was the catalyst for me to finally get my finger out and get my own place, and cut that final tie to my ex.

Anyway, the advice I would offer you is this -

- Whatever you're going to do, don't procrastinate. Do it NOW. Forget about excuses like "her birthday is coming up, she'll be miserable" or "she's stressed at work", etc. There's never going to be a good time to do this. She doesn't need sympathy, she needs truth. I put it off for far too long for various reasons and wasted a year of both our lives. If you're 100% sure about how you feel, don't wait any longer
- When you make the break, make it clear that new living arrangements need to be sorted out sooner rather than later. We continued living together, but that routine soon becomes normal and 'easy' and it's difficult to start the whole process of finding somewhere new when you get settled into a routine
- When you break up, don't fall into the habit of becoming exes who still occasionally sleep together. I was adamant about that from the moment of the breakup and we never had any more intimacy from that day onwards, it was separate beds until the day I moved out. IMO it just complicates matters.

Miss Fluff

EXCELLENT post ManOfMystery - it's like a survival guide to break ups! I agree, there is never a good time. I broke that bloke's heart the day before our anniversary and two days before our birthday. Like you it had been welling up inside me for months so I think I grieved for the relationship while still in it and searching in vain for the right time - there's never a right time. For me I just came home from work one day and told him it was over and we shared the apartment for a month. It was so painful to see him so hurt BUT when you make the decision OP there is no going back. Now OP, the following statement concerns me:

Now we're going to spend the last hours/days/weeks (however long it'll be) of our relationship sleeping in separate bedrooms in the house, until she finds another place. ...But, you know, still needing to share the same kitchen in the evenings, TV, radio blah blah. That's nearly what's freaking me out the most - someone suggested that I go live with some friends for a few days, sounds like a decent suggestion.

This "however long it'll be"....that's entirely up to you and something you're going to have to be quite definite about. Have a deadline and in that time I would spend as much time with friends and outside of the place as possible. Cosy evenings watching TV together? No. That's what couples do. I get that to go from being together to being on civil terms may seem brutal but the lines get blurred and cause confusion if you don't have a steely resolve.

I really wish you well. It's **** BUT you're going to feel so much better when you've done it - you've done your grieving so time for a fresh start now. Good luck.

ManOfMystery

Bear in mind also OP that whilst you have this all figured out in your head, she doesn't. It will come as a shock. And she may be more inclined to want to stay on for longer than you would like in your home in the vain hope that the two of you might 'work it out', even though you know it's past that stage.

So you need to make it 200% clear to her that this is final and you're past the stage of wanting to try and fix it or work things out, otherwise this will drag on for months.

LegacyUser

I went through this a couple of years ago and heres a 'how not to do it' if you will...

I had had doubts for a long long time, was just finishing up a PhD. We were out on nye, and without any premeditation or preparation, I blurted it out at 6am that I couldnt go on any more. The two days that followed were a total daze. I actually felt completely weak and defeated and disconnected from life. I wouldnt have been able to pack up my stuff then as physically had no strength to do something like that. He came home two days later and we agreed that neither of us could face it right then, so we continued to live together. I never put my engagement ring back on. I submitted my thesis 6 weeks later and then went travelling for three months.

I came back did my viva and he was broaching the subject again of our future and asked me to start making a move on a site for a house. One night, I just couldnt sleep and again, at 6.00 am, woke him up, and told him I couldnt do it. We were finished. I moved home the next day and we were never intimate again. I left everything we had bought together behind, a whole house worth of furniture and contents, cars, the lot. And two dogs. We remained in contact and on reasonable terms for another year and then he told me he couldnt mind the dogs anymore so I took them back. And he has never asked about them since. We have completely lost contact now and I have never looked back.

The long drawn out thing was the only way we could do it at the time because of our circumstances but it was far from ideal. You'd be much better off ripping off that plaster and cutting contact as soon as possible. Keep an amicable relationship if you can and dont get drawn into any drama.

LegacyUser

I'm in the same position as you right now OP and I hate myself for it. My girlfriend is my best friend and I don't want to lose her. For her, she's unemployed and not an Irish national so our breakup will cause serious issues but as countless posters have mentioned, this just can't be used as an excuse, it makes things worse.

Like you, I did break up with her before and let her talk me in to making another go of it citing the above reasons.

I think she's just as afraid as I am of a future apart even though she knows we're not right for each other.