Relationship Advice??

Legend_Steph

Hey,
I'm hoping I'm allowed to post this here as I really need help. I'm a 20 year old lesbian and on Sunday got dumped by my girlfriend. Why? She thinks there is something still going on between me and one of my ex's and doesn't trust me. Even though there isn't anything going on at all. The girlfriend who dumped me on Sunday won't answer my texts (Only sent about 3 since then) and she deleted/blocked me on Facebook. I don't mean for this to sound cheesy/like a cliche but I really feel empty without her.

Should I just let it be or do I fight for her and prove to her that nothing is going on? If the police or a restraining order comes in I have my defence which is all true. I have done nothing wrong. I haven't cheated, I am not stalking her...I only want to win her back but without being annoying. How do I make her believe me?

Help would greatly be appreciated!!

Regards,
Stephanie (Steph.)

Moon Indigo

Hi Steph hope your holding up okay. This is all very very raw and I as easy as it is to say, I would try give her time and some space. I know it may sound old fashioned but if I was you I would probably put everything in a letter. I mean what you feel and explain the situation about you and the ex. I am wondering why she thought something was going on as just totally blocking you like this seems strange and very sudden and blunt.
It may not be great advice but like I said the more you chase and hound it may start to look like you are guilty. Give the girl space and email or send a letter as a letter can't be ignored and explain everything pour out your heart. Take it easy and best of luck

Legend_Steph

I agree with you completely. I have actually wrote a letter for her as I know at the moment as she is ignoring me face to face isn't the first option for her.
Blocking wouldn't be the answer but on why she did it: My ex who I am over added the new ex girlfriend and I just said to block her as I was afraid she may start causing trouble and saying things such as she still loves me/misses me etc. Then it all got a bit confusing as I got told the ex I'm over was saying the complete opposite and then the new ex girlfriend got suspicious and doesn't trust my ex or myself and thinks we're hiding something and thats why she presumes we've got something going on. The last thing that the new ex girlfriend said to me:

I cant believe I didnt see this coming. After everything iv been through I trust no one. And the way both of you are acting somethings not right I dunno which ones lying and I'm not sticking around to find out, I'm not getting rapped up in this because it will always be an issue. Goodbye

I never thought of that before when you mentioned if I keep chasing it'll look like I'm guilty. I'll stick to the letter and keep that in mind. Thank you!

stephen_n

"After everything iv been through I trust no one".

And there in lays your problem, this is not something you can fix as the problem or issue isn't with you. The problem lays with her and her own insecurities anything you say will only serve to antagonise her or make her more defensive. I would suggest that if you are going to write a letter that it be solely how you feel, about her and about the break up. Don't try and deal with the issues as your ex girlfriend is irrelevant. There is less chance of things getting misunderstood if you are just taking ownership of your own feelings.

Legend_Steph

Dear *New ex's name*,
I am so sorry for everything that has happened. I want you to know you mean the world to me. You've been there for me since day 1. You say you can't trust me but I want to prove to you that you can. No matter what it takes, I want to gain back that trust. I will literally do anything to have you back. I only want you to trust me again.
I am 110% faithful when I'm in a relationship. I would never even dream of cheating on you or talking to other people. I only want to be yours. I know we said we'd take the relationship slow but I feel lost without you. It isn't the same not having you to text/talk to. You always manage to put a smile on my face. Between calling me your Carebear coz you told me I'm

soft, full of love and cuddly

and then cuddling me when we meet up. I always feel like the luckiest girl ever.

Please just give me one more chance. I can promise you that you can trust me and that I'll treat you right. I want it to be just you and me. I don't want anyone else getting involved or tearing us apart. Who am I going to cuddle up to, to watch alien movies with? =/
(When I was at her house we'd cuddle and watch alien movies as she loves them)

One more chance is all I ask. Please just think about it Beautiful?
xxxxxx

This is just a draft but its all I can think of so far.

stephen_n

Your setting yourself up for a fall with that. Firstly you are accepting responsibilty for something you didn't do. Secondly you are basically promising to give up any right to a life of your own to attempt to placate her insecurities. Lastly how do you intend to prove you are trustworthy when by your own admission you never did anything in the first place to make yourself untrustworthy?

It's obvious you want her back but that Letter shows that you want it on any terms and are willing to sacrafice yourself in order to get it. You will NEVER be able to live up to what your offering and if you do get back together it will end up back here with in a short space of time because you are not the issue and as such no matter how hard you try she will never trust you especially if you keep accepting responsibility when you didn't do anything. If things were to work out between you she would need to take responsibility for her trust issues and accept that it wasn't you that caused this and learn to trust you. You can NEVER EVER make anyone trust you!

cynthiaortiz

Relationship - its all depend on you, if u want to b in relationship , so go ahead , but first of all , see what type of relationship u r looking for

Legend_Steph

stephen_n wrote: »

Lastly how do you intend to prove you are trustworthy when by your own admission you never did anything in the first place to make yourself untrustworthy?

I know what you mean. The only problem is that she thinks I am being unfaithful and I want to prove to her that I'm not. I'm not sure how to prove it though. Was gonna say the original checking my phone etc. but it shouldn't need to go that far. I only want her to believe me and know that I was telling the truth.

stephen_n wrote: »

If things were to work out between you she would need to take responsibility for her trust issues and accept that it wasn't you that caused this and learn to trust you.

I sincerely thank you for that. I've decided on giving her space and time to think. She has exams coming up soon so I may wait until after to see how she feels.

Thank you to all for the advice. It is greatly appreciated.

DubArk

I really don’t want to sound patronising but you were allowing the emotions of the whole breakup to cloud your better judgement. It’s all so real for you its all so raw and your hurting and you can’t get through to her! And as pointed out by Stephen_h “You will NEVER be able to live up to what your offering”.


My advice is for you to do exactly what you are and back off and no matter how difficult you find it take a deep breath and hold off for awhile to see if she is willing to connect with you again. If this is not the case, then do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who has so misjudged you? A relationship, a successful relationship is a two way street and you’re on a one way that’s been blocked off.


Life is full of experiences that shape us all in our futures; this may just be a stepping block that will see you on your way. Whatever the outcome I hope your distress eases and you find a resolution soon.

Shakti

You could always just find someone who is actually capable of having a mature relationship instead, facebook dramarama stay well clear.

Dwn Wth Vwls

She gave you a reason for breaking up with you, and so you're desperately trying to change her mind about that reason. You need to look at the bigger picture though, you didn't actually do anything wrong. She's the one with trust issues (clearly, from what she said) and throwing yourself at her feet is no way to go forward in a relationship.

The breakup is painful now, but you're better off moving on and letting yourself get over her. You'll find someone who does trust you, because you're trustworthy and worth trusting. It's her loss that she couldn't see that.

Legend_Steph

I've made my mind up and I'm going to move on. My heart skipped a beat when I got a text message from her today but when I read it, it dropped quickly. I will never be talking to her again. She's made up her mind and I've made mine.

Lastly thank you to all again for all the advice. You've genuinely all been so helpful. Greatly appreciated!

Steph.