Why do women cheat with me?

jack_sprat

Hi all, I'd rather not go with a new username for this one if possible to conceal my identity.

I'm wondering is there a particular type of guy that girls tend to cheat with (as opposed to cheat on)

I have now being with three different women who cheated with me on their boyfriend/ partner.

The first of these three girls was back in my younger days. I knew going into the relationship that she was seing someone. I understand that it does take two to tango but in retrospect I think she sort of manipulated me. Told me her boyfriend was treating her badly and she wanted to finish up with him. We didn't last too terribly long but as it happens she broke up with her boyfriend soon after. Part of me also thinks she hooked up with me just to get one over on her boyfriend before she finished with him as think she was quite a vindictive person. That period of my life was far from my finest hour.

The two women that cheated with me after that were both married. Hand on my heart I did not know they were married or in a relationship when we got together. With these two women, although they both came across as nice friendly outgoing people it would seem that they both got involved with me purely for the purpose of having sex. Again could have being to get one over on their spouses or they weren't happy in their realtionships. Don't know really, just surmising

With the last girl it happened just over a week ago and I found out that she was married in the last few days in a sort of a roundabout way through facebook. I'm pretty disturbed about the whole thing since this happened as it seems to be once too often and I'm annoyed as to why.

Funny thing about it is that in general I don't have great luck with women and don't tend to last too long in relationships as just tend to get cold feet when it gets too heavy. I like my own space and don't like being crowded. Although I consider myself socialable with friends and family and am very approachable I'm a quiet and shy fella and don't tend to approach women as freely as some of my friends might tend to. Other than that I am talkative and friendly once I do get talking to people.

Looks wise (if they are a factor) I'm probably average looking really. I keep in shape and am pretty thin and athletic. It has being remarked to me a few times that I have a nice body but I think I'm hardly a stud or anything, bit scrawny if anything maybe I tell myself sometimes. Pretty average looking in face too I would really think. The three girls that cheated with me were all pretty decent looking. If they really were going out of their way to cheat on their partner I'm sure they would not have had too much trouble finding another guy to do it with for that matter. For this reason I'm tending to think its something to do with my personality.

So folks would ye have any ideas why I might have found myself in this situation a number of times. Any ways of avoiding this situation in future?

sambuka41

[QUOTE=jack_sprat;77689463

Funny thing about it is that in general I don't have great luck with women and don't tend to last too long in relationships as just tend to get cold feet when it gets too heavy. I like my own space and don't like being crowded.

So folks would ye have any ideas why I might have found myself in this situation a number of times. Any ways of avoiding this situation in future?[/QUOTE]

This part stood out as it appears that a relationship with someone who is taken would suit you perfectly? No? On the surface it may seem like you are not actively seeking this but behind it all you may well be going after girls where there is no real possibility of a future relationship, because you don't want one?

CarlsBurg

jack_sprat wrote: »

..... I'm tending to think its something to do with my personality. So folks would ye have any ideas why I might have found myself in this situation a number of times. Any ways of avoiding this situation in future?

Absolutely nothing to do with you, mate
Just right time, right place, they were up for it, you were single and up for it. Thats it. If it wasnt you in those examples it would be been someone else.

And the amount of times you've been the "other guy" is nothing. If I could get 100 random guys in a room. Hook them up one by one to a lie dectector, you'd be shocked to see the amount of times people KNOWLING had sex with someone with a partner, let alone them not knowing.

LegacyUser

I used to be the female version of you OP. Like you I was shy and quiet and I think this for me was the problem. From my own observations I found that guys saw me as a 'challenge' and obviously if they were looking to cheat there were problems in their relationship so by 'pulling' me 'a challenge' it proved to them that they still 'had it'.

Also I think because I was shy I came across like the cold, dark, mysterious type. The type who would therefore be willing to be involved in an affair/cheat (not true on my part of course).

Doesn't happen me anymore now thankfully, the only thing that's changed for me is that I've become more outgoing. So personally I'd definitely put it down to my past shyness.

jack_sprat

sambuka41 wrote: »

This part stood out as it appears that a relationship with someone who is taken would suit you perfectly? No? On the surface it may seem like you are not actively seeking this but behind it all you may well be going after girls where there is no real possibility of a future relationship, because you don't want one?

Yes and no sambuka41. I think I have being unfortunate in a sense. In my time I have being with a few girls who were just a bit overbearing too. Constantly texting and ringing me even when I was at work and a panic on if I didn't answer within a few minutes, just generally crowding me that sort of thing. It probably rubbed off on me to a certain extent and I'm just a bit concious of being overcrowded.

When I met any of these attached girls I never knew they were married at the time (apart from the first girl years back who was in a relationship and which was before the overbearing realtionships I had). Even when I met the married girls and before I knew they were married I was hoping things would flourish with them. So can't say that I was subconciously saying oh fantastic I'm going to have a fling or anything like that.

I must say if the right girl came along I wouldn't have any issue with committing as long as she didn't overcrowd me.

jack_sprat

CarlsBurg wrote: »

Absolutely nothing to do with you, mate
Just right time, right place, they were up for it, you were single and up for it. Thats it. If it wasnt you in those examples it would be been someone else.

And the amount of times you've been the "other guy" is nothing. If I could get 100 random guys in a room. Hook them up one by one to a lie dectector, you'd be shocked to see the amount of times people KNOWLING had sex with someone with a partner, let alone them not knowing.

I think (hope) your right and that I'm not doomed in romance in the future CarlsBurg. Out of interest at what stage might you ask a girl if she was attached if you were talking to her and getting on well and it seemed like things might progress.

I am a friend

jack_sprat wrote: »

I found out that she was married in the last few days in a sort of a roundabout way through facebook.

I would bawl her out of it.... How dare she drag you into this unwittingly... Dont take it personally, it says all about them, not you.

Idle Passerby

The women that are attracted to you can probably in some way sense you not interested in being in a full committed relationship. The married ones would take that as perfect as it suits both parties, and the other girls who are looking to have a real relationship might see you as a sort of bad boy whose hard to get and try to "reel you in" (not very healthy girls obviously).

I had a period where I thought I wanted a loving committed relationship and it really upset me that the only people interested in me were either only looking for something casual or completely clingy. In hindsight, I was not willing to commit and others also not willing to commit recognised that. Whereas the clingers were by and large needy and insecure and would have probably latched onto anyone that was nice to them.

PerlenBacher

Idle Passerby wrote: »

The women that are attracted to you can probably in some way sense you not interested in being in a full committed relationship. The married ones would take that as perfect as it suits both parties, and the other girls who are looking to have a real relationship might see you as a sort of bad boy whose hard to get and try to "reel you in" (not very healthy girls obviously).

Sorry to quote you
But that don't happen majority of the time.

Would a cheating partner really look for guys who aint interested in nothing more than sex?
Or look for guys that would be so unlikely to ever come into contact with their partner/friends/etc?

IMO, the second happens WAY MORE than the first.

beks101

Of course it could all be purely coincidental, but I tend to think that often in dating, you get what you're looking for, even if it's on a subconscious level.

I was single for years and years and used to bemoan the type of guys I always ended up hooking up with, guys who never wanted anything more than a fling or guys who just weren't bothered enough to pursue beyond the first or second date. I'd bemoan my single status, and then on the rare occasion that a guy showed a genuine interest and made an effort, I self sabotaged, found a reason to dismiss him as incompatible, and get back to my comfortable single life. What I learned about myself was that I was emotionally unavailable, scared of committing, set in my ways and just too stuck in them to be open to really meeting someone.

I read your post, and your little paragraph about not really being bothered about relationships, liking your own space, and it immediately reminded me of me. Body language and demeanour say it all when it comes to flirting and romance, and if your body language is reflecting how you really feel about relationships, then this could be a factor in the 'unavailable' women you're attracting.

Obviously you haven't known they weren't single off the bat, but what would have appealed to you was probably their lack of 'clinginess', maybe a more laidback, not-overly-bothered attitude towards you that reflects yours towards them. And of course the willingness to get sexual so soon, without any willingness to develop anything more meaningful with you...it's the perfect set-up for someone who needs to get his sexual needs met like anyone else, but isn't really looking for anything 'too heavy'? Just as it's ideal for someone whose relationship has gone stale and is looking for the thrill and excitement of someone new, without the inconvenience of ending their dull-but-comfortable long-term relationship?

Think about it. Because on some level, what's happening to you makes sense.

jack_sprat

Thanks for all yer comments and input folks which is much appreciated by me. Many of yer comments made perfect sense and even made things somewhat clearer for me. In particular I can relate to much of what beks101 says. I don't thinks its necessairly an inherent part of my personality which makes me subconsciously seek committment free relationships. I think its more down to being with a few girls who were way too full on and overbearing which rubbed off on me to a certain extent.

If the right girl came along I don't think I'd have any problem committing but she would need to understand that other committments and in particular work are hugh draws on my time. As I say though if the right girl did come along I would make time for a relationship, could foresee myself moving in together in time and what not. Just not into the idea of living in each others pockets 24/7 either and would find it a bit of turn off for that matter.

One things for sure...any girl I meet from now on I will make damned sure shes not in a relationship before I get involved. I nearly would be as blunt as to ask straight out in future.