Pregnant Friend Problem

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I hate writing this because I know it probably means I’m a terrible person but I want to get some perspective on the situation.

I’m 24 and one of my good friends is pregnant. Since she got pregnant it is all she can talk about. She is also getting married in 2014 and she wants me to be her chief bridesmaid.

Any time we get together all she talks about is being pregnant and getting married. Nothing else! She will ask me basic questions about myself and my boyf but then always brings the conversation back to her boyf or the baby.

Now heres the really really bad part: the thing that is upsetting me the most is the fact that she is constantly talking about how being pregnant feels physically and keeps talking about it moving around and stuff. I know this probably makes me a terrible person but the thought of it makes me feel sick.

She just wanted to meet up with me there and I lied to her and told her I was busy but I feel so bad about it now.

Would it be unreasonable for me to mention it to her? Say: Would you mind not talking about that as I don’t feel well. I just think that if she was talking to a guy or something she would never talk about half the stuff but I have to listen to it because I’m a girl? My SIL is pregnant too and we are very close and she wouldn’t dream of talking about any of that stuff.

Help!

Squiggler

I have a close friend who is really freaked out about the idea of pregnancy, little person growing, moving, kicking etc inside and the whole kaboodle. Because I knew this I didn't, and won't, discuss that stuff with her, it's not her thing. After she told me how freaked she was after seeing her sister-in-law's bump move I even made sure I wore baggy tops when I knew I would be meeting her.

Tell your friend that it makes you uncomfortable... if she is a true friend she will understand and stay off the subject. I'm sure she understands that not everyone wants to talk about it, maybe she just assumes you're interested because you haven't said anything.

tinkerbell

You just need to tell your friend to stop talking about stuff that is grossing you out. Also let her talk about the wedding, blah blah, for a bit and then change the subject. I can't stand people who talk about nothing but themselves, that is so annoying. But then again she's prob mega excited about the baby/wedding.

meganj

I think it's absolutely ok for you to say you're not comfortable talking about it, but I would be prepared for her not to take it well.

To her I'm sure her wedding and baby are the most interesting things in the world and her pregnancy is beautiful etc etc.

I myself am very freaked out by pregnancy. Not to be mean (because I know it's my own problem) but i find myself quite fearful of pregnant women.

When a friend was pregnant last year all our other friends were very eager to feel the bump etc etc but i just kept getting horrified. You do feel awful though so I get where you're coming from.

I should say, I never told my friend, but we live very far away and she only found out about 4months in so it was only for a short time. It is important you don't lose a friend over this, but it's also important that she respects your 'ick' factor so to speak, and also that you might like to talk about something else other then weddings or pregnancy!

Badfriend

Badfriend wrote: »

Any time we get together all she talks about is being pregnant and getting married. Nothing else! She will ask me basic questions about myself and my boyf but then always brings the conversation back to her boyf or the baby.

Well I'd allow her this to be honest. If you want to talk about yourself just do it, don't wait for her to ask, because you can't really blame her for being caught up in herself at such an exciting time.

Now heres the really really bad part: the thing that is upsetting me the most is the fact that she is constantly talking about how being pregnant feels physically and keeps talking about it moving around and stuff.

This is totally ok, loads of people are freaked out by pregnancy. Just say it to her. Maybe don't use the words "makes me sick", but just let her know you don't like having to hear the details. She should understand, just explain it as best you can. It's honestly nothing to feel bad about.

I am a friend

Badfriend wrote: »

Since she got pregnant it is all she can talk about.

I have jusdt had a baby and still dont feel the need to talk about him all the time... SOME women are such baby (and wedding bores).... I really think you need go say it to her in a nice way. Just because she is pregnant doesnt mean she has to get away with stuff - she isnt sick -just pregnant and TBH I knew that was interesting to a limited number of people other than us...

lazygal

I only talk about my pregnancy when people ask. I'm the first of my friends to have a baby. When people ask, its usually just to make conversation so i keep the information short and basic. Most of pregnancy is not that interesting to other people outside the couple expecting a baby and a lot of it is private and only for us to discuss. I was the same when planning our wedding, if people asked I told them things were going well and we'd sorted most things out.

I find people who only talk about their wedding go on to only talk about their pregnancy, and then to only talk about their children. There's a few couples I avoid if possible because their children are the main subject of conversation, no matter what else is going on in peoples' lives.

LegacyUser

I know how it is.

I have two friends who are pregnant... for one it is the only thing she talks about.

Every joke and facebook status update refers to "the bump" and it got tiresome after the first time she went on about eating for two (although it looks like she's eating for four).

The other friend has taken it in her stride, rarely mentions it and doesn't force it on anyone.

I feel that the former has so little else going on in her life that this has filled a void while the latter is working and has loads going.

Grayson

To be fair, a pregnancy is a huge deal. I mean it's one of those epic life changing things. I've never had kids, but I'd imagine if I do it will be one of the biggest and scariest things I've ever done.
I'd imagine that your friend feels this way.

If I were you, I'd ask her to tone down the biological talk because it makes you feel queesy. But talk about other baby stuff. names, clothes etc...

She's your friend and she's involving you in the biggest things that's ever happen to you. You should try to engage on some level.

gubbie

Grayson wrote: »

If I were you, I'd ask her to tone down the biological talk because it makes you feel queesy. But talk about other baby stuff. names, clothes etc...

The OP has mentioned that her problem is not with talk of the baby, but the constant talk of the baby and the fact that her friend is now only interested in it, and not interested at all in the OP's life

I think you should first try what the other poster said - if she brings up the topic, change it. If that doesn't work then you need to tell your friend. Tell her you're happy for her and that you understand she is excited about it, but it's not a topic you want to always be talking about.

It's like when you're a teenager and your friends really likes a guy and doesn't stop talking about it. The first time, you're happy and excited to hear about it, but if it's all they ever talk about they become like a broken record.

edellc

I think your not being a very nice friend..... you obviously have no idea how big a deal it is to be pregnant what it does to your body, how it feels and how much your life is going to change when baby arrives.

Your friend needs all the friends she can get because once baby is born its so called friends like you that disappear, grow up and be a friend if thats what you really are to her, life isn't all about you and if you ever find yourself pregnant and with a wedding to plan I hope you dont get treated the same way as your treating this girl.

I am a friend

edellc wrote: »

I think your not being a very nice friend..... you obviously have no idea how big a deal it is to be pregnant what it does to your body, how it feels and how much your life is going to change when baby arrives.

Your friend needs all the friends she can get because once baby is born its so called friends like you that disappear, grow up and be a friend if thats what you really are to her, life isn't all about you and if you ever find yourself pregnant and with a wedding to plan I hope you dont get treated the same way as your treating this girl.

Rubbish!!! I know how it feels to be pg and how big a deal it is FOR ME!!! This is the same as boring the head off someone about your job / hobby / life in general. There has to be give and take and if the 'friend' is not showing an interest in the OP's life then she is not being a good friend.

All this fuss about babies etc - women have been getting pregnant since the year dot and its not exactly like her friend developed the process... Baby bores as just as bad as all other bores except its harder to criticise them...

Neyite

edellc wrote: »

I think your not being a very nice friend..... you obviously have no idea how big a deal it is to be pregnant what it does to your body, how it feels and how much your life is going to change when baby arrives.

Your friend needs all the friends she can get because once baby is born its so called friends like you that disappear, grow up and be a friend if thats what you really are to her, life isn't all about you and if you ever find yourself pregnant and with a wedding to plan I hope you dont get treated the same way as your treating this girl.

I am currently pregnant and it took a long time and fertility treatment to get this far. Its massively exciting, and every new day brings new and exciting experiences - I could bang on for hours about they itsy-bitsy stuff I'm ironing for my hospital bag, or where baby kicked me last, but I am careful to recognise its my adventure, and make time in my life for my friends and what is going on in their lives.

You could excuse the OP's friend for being excited about events, but when she fobbs off the OP when she is talking about her life and brings the subject back to babies and weddings then she is being rude, a bad friend and a bore.

Balmed Out

Let her know what makes you feel uncomfortable or sick but other then that indulge her as best you can. Someones first pregnancy / marriage are once in a life time things and as shes fairly young there may not be anyone that shes able to talk about them to any degree.

Yeah Yeah Yeah

Tell her to change the subject. And keep telling her until she does.

Badfriend wrote: »

Hi all,

I hate writing this because I know it probably means I’m a terrible person but I want to get some perspective on the situation.

I’m 24 and one of my good friends is pregnant. Since she got pregnant it is all she can talk about. She is also getting married in 2014 and she wants me to be her chief bridesmaid.

Any time we get together all she talks about is being pregnant and getting married. Nothing else! She will ask me basic questions about myself and my boyf but then always brings the conversation back to her boyf or the baby.

Now heres the really really bad part: the thing that is upsetting me the most is the fact that she is constantly talking about how being pregnant feels physically and keeps talking about it moving around and stuff. I know this probably makes me a terrible person but the thought of it makes me feel sick.

She just wanted to meet up with me there and I lied to her and told her I was busy but I feel so bad about it now.

Would it be unreasonable for me to mention it to her? Say: Would you mind not talking about that as I don’t feel well. I just think that if she was talking to a guy or something she would never talk about half the stuff but I have to listen to it because I’m a girl? My SIL is pregnant too and we are very close and she wouldn’t dream of talking about any of that stuff.

Help!

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for your advice. You all have no idea how much it means to mean to hear that other women think that it is a little unreasonable to be going on like this.

@edellc, I don't think that I am being a bad friend and I know that if I ever did get pregnant I would not go on like her, I'm quite a private person and not the sort to go around discussing my periods in detail or anything just as natural as having a baby.

I will say it to her the next time I see her. Hopefully she will understand but I doubt she will. Now she is getting married and having a baby it seems that she thinks that that is all she needs in her life.

Also I don't even care if she talks about me and my life, if she would talk about anything else- the weather, her work, her other family, her other friends, but it's just baby, wedding, baby, wedding.

Killed By Death

Grayson wrote: »

To be fair, a pregnancy is a huge deal. I mean it's one of those epic life changing things. I've never had kids, but I'd imagine if I do it will be one of the biggest and scariest things I've ever done.
I'd imagine that your friend feels this way.

If I were you, I'd ask her to tone down the biological talk because it makes you feel queesy. But talk about other baby stuff. names, clothes etc...

She's your friend and she's involving you in the biggest things that's ever happen to you. You should try to engage on some level.

Sorry I totally disagree. OP's friend is totally overdoing it. People only have limited interest in pregnancy/wedding etc.

I am pregnant now and although I am really exited I understand like Neyite says it's my adventure not everyone elses. I certainly have plenty of other things to talk about and often forget I'm pregnant. OP you need to tell your mate to put a sock in it once in a while and to stop with the TMI all the time.

Although I am pregnant I am really squemish of 'bumps' in fact they make me feel sick to look at, especially the belly button Urgh, I know it's silly but it's just how I feel. I certainly don't blab on about my bump or symptoms at at all. I keep that for the Doctor where it belongs.

I'd say be as good humoured as you can in changing the subject or gently slag her about being a baby bore but be prepared she might be offended. Some people just don't have much self awareness, she sounds like one. I think ultimately you'll have to avoid her or else she'll be wanting to give you a blow by blow acccount of the birth etc.

Jack B. Badd

You're not being a bad friend. The fact of the matter is she needs to realise that her wedding & pregnancy/child are never going to be as important to other people as they are to her (& presumably her OH). Things are going on outside her life & she needs to wise up to that & be willing to discuss something other than herself or she'll drive people away through coming across as narcassistic.

As for feeling physically ill, you're not the only one. I once almost fainted in my workplace because two of my male colleagues were discussing some particularly difficult aspect of childbirth that one's wife had gone through. I had to ask them to stop talking near me & ended up running away to the canteen before I keeled over

hollysf

just avoid her, once she has the baby you probably won't hear much from her anyway

greenteaicedtea

hollysf wrote: »

just avoid her, once she has the baby you probably won't hear much from her anyway

I agree! She will likely become lost in her little baby world.

greenteaicedtea

Badfriend wrote: »

Hi everyone,
Thank you so much for your advice. You all have no idea how much it means to mean to hear that other women think that it is a little unreasonable to be going on like this.

You know what though? For every reasonable person, there seems to be about 10 annoying mummies who would defend your friend, all they can talk about is their kids, and who will moan and go on about how single people should be happy about how they have their time all to themselves etc.

Occasionally I talk to a mother who is downright condescending about how much time I must have to myself and I still have my lovely figure and isn't it great to be single. This is hurtful to me because I would have loved to have had kids of my own. It's like they go into their universe populated only by parents, and they go soft in the head.

edellc

I dont know how old you all are but I think you are all over looking that the friend the Op is talking about is in her early 20's and although I myself are not into boring the ears off everyone about my kid, how many of you at that age where not me me me's seriously thats what someone in their 20's does

I understand that once the baby is born the "friend" wont have time for the op that happens whatever age, and I do think the gorey details are not up the OP alley but who of us are into gorey details of pregnancy either, however the OP needs to be there for her friend as its not all me me me either

Daisy M

greenteaicedtea wrote: »

You know what though? For every reasonable person, there seems to be about 10 annoying mummies who would defend your friend, all they can talk about is their kids, and who will moan and go on about how single people should be happy about how they have their time all to themselves etc.

Occasionally I talk to a mother who is downright condescending about how much time I must have to myself and I still have my lovely figure and isn't it great to be single. This is hurtful to me because I would have loved to have had kids of my own. It's like they go into their universe populated only by parents, and they go soft in the head.

I can never understand women who do this, it used to drive me mad before I had children and now that I have them it annoys me more. I choose to have children and I was lucky enough to be blessed with them, how someone else lives their life has no impact on mine and to even think of comparing would be stupid.

Op I think you need to thread lightly here but at the same time be firm. Change the subject after a the topic has been discussed, have yourself armed with a number of topics for conversation including what is going on in your own life. Be understanding that she is going through a huge life change and is excited and that as a person her priorities are changing but at the same time it should not what is going on in your life any less important. Does your friend have many other people in her life whom she can talk with, is it a case that she has limited family and friends and goes overboard on baby talk when she sees you as she is excited and wants to share?