The fear of making a wedding speech

LegacyUser

Above all else the idea of being the centre of attention, in the form of making a speech, on my forthcoming wedding day terrifies me. I'm an incredibly private person who is at his happiest sitting at home and reading a good book. My social interaction skills are not very honed. Much of my trepidation rests on a conference speech I made some time ago, which went wrong in every conceivable way. I joined Toastmasters after it and it helped somewhat but I was only talking to 10 or 15 people at one time there. I made a speech as a best man a couple of years ago and the stress was incredible. Horrible, horrible experience.

I really do not want to stand up in front of 200 people and talk. I'll say something stupid. I'll be too emotional particularly given the incredible pain my fiancée has endured in recent times. I told her years ago I didn't want to make a speech. She finally came around to accepting it but said that she's going to make a speech and her sisters also want to speak (She loves crowds and the entire big wedding thing is for her obviously).

Naturally enough that would look very odd if she spoke and I didn't. But now after all that she's gone through in the past year I feel I must stand up and tell everybody why I love her and how amazing she has been particularly since her accident. That she's my hero. It would make her wedding if I did it properly because she knows how much I dislike being the centre of attention. But I am absolutely terrified of it. I will say something stupid/inappropriate/emotional/that will be taken up the wrong way. I just don't know if I'd be able to get balance, to strike the right tone. And I'd rather not take the risk of destroying what should be a good day.

Is there any middle ground here/smart way to handle this? Thanks.

MissFlitworth

Nothing you could do, unless you're planning on breaking out a repertoire of racist jokes or some such, could possibly ruin the entire wedding day. People will expect you to be emotional, considering what's been going on with your fiancee over the last while you'll probably find the room is blubbing along with you. If I were you I'd write down 2 or 3 lines about your fiancee a good bit before the wedding & learn them off, carry them round with you on an index card if needs be. Start the speech off with something like 'I really don't enjoy speaking in public but I could never pass on a chance to tell so many people about how wonderful my wife is...' and just keep it brief.

Alternatively, could you try something else instead of a speech? A slideshow of photos, a singer singing something gorgeous & romantic, anything at all that shows how much you care about your wife

LegacyUser

You could have a videotape made of your speech and play it on the day. Say, a recording from the night before or the morning of the wedding, when you're on your own, and don't have a big crowd of people looking at you with bated breath! It'd give you the chance to say what you feel, and take all the pressure off re the speeches.

Eoin

The main thing to remember that as the groom, it's the easiest audience you'll ever have - they're all rooting for you. The best man's speech is a bit harder, as you're normally supposed to be the funny man.

I will say something stupid/inappropriate/emotional/that will be taken up the wrong way

That's most likely only a risk if you try and ad-lib it. There's nothing wrong at all with having every line scripted. Just rehearse it (even just by reading it over and over) so you are familiar with the lines.

shinikins

There are no rules that say you must make a speech on the day, or that it has to be a long one, or funny. The best speech I heard from a groom was from my own brother, who is like yourself-hates the idea of speaking in front of a room full of people. He stood up, took the mic, and spoke directly to his wife without looking at anyone else. He told her how happy he was that day, how proud he was to be her husband, and how beautiful she looked. Nothing more than that, and the entire room took to their feet in applause. I think because it was so simple and heartfelt, it meant more to everyone in the room.

In short OP, don't stress out over it. There are no hard and fast rules, if your fiance wants to make a speech on behalf of you both, let her. If your groomsman or parents want to do it, let them. It's your day-sit back and enjoy it and let everyone else do the hard work!

LovelyLottie

While i get that you're very nervous, i think you need to put this into some sort of perspective.

It's a speech in front of your friends and family.
It can be as short or long as you want.
It would mean a lot to your future wife.
What is the worst that can happen? Unless you have Tourettes, i can't imagine you'd say anything inappropriate or stupid.

If you're prepared, if you've written it out and you read it, if you've run it past someone close to you, if you've practised it, it will be fine. Maybe even good.

You've said yourself that you and your fiance have been through tough times in the recent past, that should give you the courage to know that a wedding speech pales into insignificance in comparison to other things you've been through.

Stop working yourself up into a state over this - accept that you will give the speech and start planning the steps you need to take to achieve this goal.

Good luck.

mr_edge_to_you

Don't worry about it chief. You'll be fine.

1. Thank the bridesmaids and refer to how well they look. Don't forgot your new wife.

2. Thank any friends that have helped out on the day.

3. Thanks the parents.

4. Thank the priest too if there's a religious ceremony.

5. Thank people who made a log journey from abroad at considerable expense. Also thank people for taking the time you celebrate the day with you and your wife - I made particular reference to people taking a days holidays to attend. People were very grateful for that comment.

6. Surely you can come up with a nice (doesn't have to be funny) about how you met your wife or the moment you realised she was the one.

7. Tell everyone to have a good time later and for those who have to leave wish them a safe trip.

8. hand over to the best man - its his job to have a joke or two.

Also, if it can be done. Do the speech before the meal. The whole place will relax then and you can enjoy the meal. Even though you'll be too tired to eat.

homerjay2005

to be honest, having been what youve been through, making a speech is easy for you both.keep it short and simple,its the one day of your life where your allowed to do things as you want. write it out and video yourself, see how you sound, but dont be critical. remember, the best man does 90% of the work, your speech should be about 3 minutes which is made up of thanking everybody for coming, presenting flowers to the parents, complimenting your wife and maybe one funny story from your time together.

relax and enjoy the day, you deserve it.

tinkerbell

OP, there are no rules on who speaks at a wedding reception. I've been to weddings where the groom said a few words and the groom didn't say a thing! If you do not feel comfortable making a speech then don't! You are not required to - it is YOUR wedding and why should your whole wedding day fill you with dread just because you think you're expected to make a speech? If your fiancée wishes to make a speech then let her work away, doesn't mean you have to too!

Beruthiel

Why have the speeches at all?

I didn't have any at mine. I wanted a relaxed, stress free day. So we cut out all the crap.

I actually have no idea what the point of them is.
They are just done at weddings because everyone else does them. How is that a reason?
Weddings can be quite boring at times because every single one of them are the exact same.

Change the formula of the day OP and do whatever you want.

I am a friend

Eoin wrote: »

The main thing to remember that as the groom, it's the easiest audience you'll ever have - they're all rooting for you.

This is very very true...

How about you train yourself to just speak to your wife on the day... Prepare the speech, learn it inside out but even though it will sound like you are speaking to all, in your own mind just say it to her..

Best of luck

St_Crispin

I was at a wedding years ago where the best man talked for over half an hour. Worst speech ever.

My two best friends and I each have a sibling getting married this year. We came to an agreement that it shouldn't last more than 3 minutes. A simple thanks to everyone for turning up. Thank the priest, cook etc... Aren't the bridesmaid beautiful. And a couple of sentences regarding the happy couple, or in your case "Aren't I lucky"

And that's it. No anecdotes. Maybe a one line joke if it's appropriate. But the rule is 3 minutes. The reason is that unless we're really good public speakers, we're probably not going to come off great.

If you have to make a speech, write it all down. Rehearse in front of a mirror whilst smiling. And then rehearse in front of a few friends. By the time you do it at the wedding, you'll feel confident in yourself and your material.

lazygal

You know you don't have to have a speech? If I was doing things again, I'd have ditched the speeches. All it did was make those who knew they were making one nervous. My poor dad was so jittery on the morning of my wedding because he had to give a speech. No one will miss them, seriously, I've never been at a wedding and thought "I really wish the speeches had gone on longer" but i've often thought (when best man number 3 gets up to recite anecdotes that aren't funny or interesting) "would they not have cut them out". I asked my dad after the wedding if he'd have minded not giving a speech but he said no, it really made him so nervous he didn't enjoy the day until they were over.

One tip others have used from our wedding is to have the speeches at a drinks reception before dinner, everyone is just standing around with a drink so its a lot less intimidating than looking down at a huge room full of tables and means those giving the speeches are able to enjoy their dinner!

Acoshla

Just don't make a speech OP. My fiance is probably not going to say anything, he hates public speaking, my mother is making a speech because she wants to and my Dad would hate it, I'm probably going to say a few words again because I want to. It's *your* wedding day, not your guests, not anyone else but you and your bride, so if it would ruin it for you that much to make a speech just don't make one!

mikemac1

No pressure on the groom, everyone is happy for you and all you have to do is thank people

No witty stories or jokes required

It's completely different to what the best man has to do


I'd also say keep going to the Toastmasters, this is something you can work on for years
You got some help in the past, keep going, even if it's just one evening a month

LegacyUser

Write out what you are going to say and practice it every morning in the shower and every evening.

I had a best man's speech to do this year and that's what I did. By the time it came to the big day, I nearly had it learned off - and it was about fifteen minutes long.

Yours doesn't have to be long at all.

And remember, take a deep breath before you start and breath throughout.

ongarboy

OP - I suggest you don't make a speech at all. As others said, it's not imperative to follow this tradition just because it's the norm. If it's going to spoil your day, then it's not worth it. Most people don't like public speaking but will manage to get through the speech anyway even if they are nervous. The fact you are posting here suggests this is really bothering you more than it would bother most of us so I'd advise against it. Let your bride and her bridesmaids speak if that is what they want to do (that would be considered different to the norm as well so why not make it a wedding with a difference).

My sister was at a wedding last year and the groom got up at speech time, opened his mouth and nothing came out. He started shaking and sat down again. The whole room felt for him and gave him a big round of applause but their hearts went out to the poor guy. I'm sure he spent most of the day dreading that moment and then felt like an idiot after even though no-one would think that of him. He was definitely a candidate who should have opted out of this unnecessary pressure. I'm not sure if you fall into this category but I would consider it. Discuss it with your fiancee - I'm sure she will support you whatever you choose.

I guarantee you by the time they play Galway Girl, no-one will be talking about the fact you did or didn't make a speech.

Neyite

I have found as a listener, the best speeches were the ones that were sincere, and not the ones that were trying to be funny.

Toastmasters is a brilliant idea - I'd look them up OP.

Be sincere, dont Ad-lib, practice, practice, practice. Not only will practice mean that you will learn it off, and even if you are a bit nervous on the day you will still say what you need to, but it also means you will be so used to the lovely things you want to say to your wife that you will be in more control of your emotions.

Also, we tend to speed up when we are nervous speaking. So practice saying things in a slower tone, giving pauses between points.

BrookieD

I was asked to be a best man a few years back and was bricking it - really was not good at the stand up and talk / present stuff and was tied up in knots.

However i found a way to cope and get through it - best thing i did was listen to that McKenna fella ( first name escapes me - hypnotist) and what he said stuck with me to this day and changed my outlook on stuff like this.

before you get up to speak have a look around the room and pick various places to look at during the speech. for example doors at the back of the room, table center piece, fire extinguisher, light switch - by looking at these the impression is that you are connecting with the people at the tables your looking over at but your not making eye contact thus avoiding a personal contact and potential to stumble.

Works every time i have to present and the nerves never showed.... best of luck

boobar

Agdulamú wrote: »

Above all else the idea of being the centre of attention, in the form of making a speech, on my forthcoming wedding day terrifies me. I'm an incredibly private person who is at his happiest sitting at home and reading a good book. My social interaction skills are not very honed. Much of my trepidation rests on a conference speech I made some time ago, which went wrong in every conceivable way. I joined Toastmasters after it and it helped somewhat but I was only talking to 10 or 15 people at one time there. I made a speech as a best man a couple of years ago and the stress was incredible. Horrible, horrible experience.

I really do not want to stand up in front of 200 people and talk. I'll say something stupid. I'll be too emotional particularly given the incredible pain my fiancée has endured in recent times. I told her years ago I didn't want to make a speech. She finally came around to accepting it but said that she's going to make a speech and her sisters also want to speak (She loves crowds and the entire big wedding thing is for her obviously).

Naturally enough that would look very odd if she spoke and I didn't. But now after all that she's gone through in the past year I feel I must stand up and tell everybody why I love her and how amazing she has been particularly since her accident. That she's my hero. It would make her wedding if I did it properly because she knows how much I dislike being the centre of attention. But I am absolutely terrified of it. I will say something stupid/inappropriate/emotional/that will be taken up the wrong way. I just don't know if I'd be able to get balance, to strike the right tone. And I'd rather not take the risk of destroying what should be a good day.

Is there any middle ground here/smart way to handle this? Thanks.

First of all congratulations on your forthcoming marriage.

I'm not into public speaking at all, but have to do a little in work, which I usually dread, but try and get on with it.

I used get very paniced about the thoughts of it, but have since accepted that some people come across as very polished and confident. Other don't and I fall intot this category. Once you accept this, it actually becomes a lot easier and you become more comfortable.

But as we're talking about weddings here, and I take it from your post that you are the groom, this is my view, everyone is on your side, your speech can be as long or as short as you like, you don't have to be funny, you just have to thank a few people and be nice to your bride.

So, my advice, keep it short, tell people at the start that speeches aren't your thing, say thanks to those that matter and compliment your bride and bridesmaids. Five minutes tops, and it will fly. Write it down and it will help as you'll know the content.

I've given the speech as a groom and a bestman. The groom's speech is straighforward.

The very best of luck to you and congratulations again.

going un-reg

OP,

The best speeches are the most memorable, for a speech to be rememberable, it has to be short. I was at a wedding a while ago and the best man speech was brilliant, because he made it short and funny.

If you can make the crowd laugh atleast once, it'll give you the motivational push to finish the speech.

When I've had to do public speaking in the past, I've been terrified also. However, the one thing that got me through it, was to write out what I needed to say, and re-read it, again and again and again.

Memorize your speech completely, that's half the battle. Once you know exactly what you want to say, dig deep and put out some fake confidence (if you don't have it naturally).

A good friend of mine once told me, that if you're not confident, yet pretend you are, people will perceive you as being actually confident.

saa

Wait a second this will be your wedding?
You're going to spend the time coming up to the wedding and the day in bits over the speech when you'll already be nervous and stressed enough just because it might look odd? Well it won't plenty of aspects of the modern wedding are not traditional, you do not have to say anything to the crowd because it will cause far more anxiety than its worth.

skinsuit

I would have to disagree with quite a few previous posters OP. Overcoming your intense fear is very possible and very rewarding.

I was terrified by the same prospect as you this time last year and didn't know how I would cope. The answer was simple - preparation and lots of it and practice, practice, practice. You cannot practice enough.

I drafted the speech over ten times over a 6 month period. I praticed saying the speech over and over and over. Read it out loud at first. Then stood up and delivered it to an empty room. Practiced in the mirror and in the car to and from work. Over a period of a month or so I knew it off by heart but retained cue cards just in case.

When the big moment came I was nervous alright, but not too bad. I had supreme confidence in what I was saying though and that relaxed me no end. Within a few seconds I was comfortable and though I had dreaded it there was no red face, no shaking, no quivering voice. I concentrated on the message and delivered it. Because I was so use to saying the words it didnt have that much emotional resonance with me and hence, I didn't get emotional when saying nice things whereas those around me were.

I was speaking for 10 mins, far more than I intended and didnt want to finish. Before that, I was every bit as scared as you and with zero experience of public speaking.

All you need to be beat your fears is time, discipline and practice. You won't be sorry.

Congratulations by the way, I hope you are blissfully happy together.