boyfriend hygiene

LegacyUser

Been seeing guy a few months now but only recently have put all the clues together and realised he doesn't have decent hygiene standards!
Hes an environmental scientist and passionate about sustainability, using natural things,avoiding chemicals which I admire(d )him for. .BUT he has pretty bad smelly underarms.I only discovered that he showers with water only,and doesn't use deodourant-up till then I reckoned he just sweated a lot.
Heres the complication! I have a slight ocd tendancy! Can be bit obsessive about contamination 5 degrees removed eg if someone has touched something unsavory,then everything they touch b4 washing their hands is ' contaminated' so if I touch even a few days later, then i should have to wash my hands!
Heres my dilemma.if I'm around someone whose standard of hygiene is at least average,I can fight my oddities,and know that I'm being extreme. Now I realise he believes that water on its own is sufficient to clean with, I can't deal with it and freaked out with him yesterday. Thing is,because of my obsession with cleanliness, I don't know whether I should ask him to live by my rules and use soap and shower gel or whether this is in fact me overreacting!
Even if I sorted the smelly armpits, I still have issue that he only uses water to shower!
Another problem for me is that after sex,he doesn't wash his hands.nearly had canary when saw him in kitchen filling kettle etc when knew that his hands were 'unclean'! He said that he felt that his hands didn't need washing as sex isn't dirty. After touching genitals I really have to wash my hands though, esp before eating. In this case,which of us is right?

IrishEyes19

isitmeorhim wrote: »

Been seeing guy a few months now but only recently have put all the clues together and realised he doesn't have decent hygiene standards!
Hes an environmental scientist and passionate about sustainability, using natural things,avoiding chemicals which I admire(d )him for. .BUT he has pretty bad smelly underarms.I only discovered that he showers with water only,and doesn't use deodourant-up till then I reckoned he just sweated a lot.
Heres the complication! I have a slight ocd tendancy! Can be bit obsessive about contamination 5 degrees removed eg if someone has touched something unsavory,then everything they touch b4 washing their hands is ' contaminated' so if I touch even a few days later, then i should have to wash my hands!
Heres my dilemma.if I'm around someone whose standard of hygiene is at least average,I can fight my oddities,and know that I'm being extreme. Now I realise he believes that water on its own is sufficient to clean with, I can't deal with it and freaked out with him yesterday. Thing is,because of my obsession with cleanliness, I don't know whether I should ask him to live by my rules and use soap and shower gel or whether this is in fact me overreacting!
Even if I sorted the smelly armpits, I still have issue that he only uses water to shower!
Another problem for me is that after sex,he doesn't wash his hands.nearly had canary when saw him in kitchen filling kettle etc when knew that his hands were 'unclean'! He said that he felt that his hands didn't need washing as sex isn't dirty. After touching genitals I really have to wash my hands though, esp before eating. In this case,which of us is right?

good hygiene skills are essential. I couldn't live with anyone who didn't meet my standards of hygiene either. There is nothing worse than dirtiness and bad hygiene practice, however you need to stop freaking out and getting angry. explain this calmly and why it upsets you. see what he thinks, and if he fails to meet your standards, maybe it would be best to end the relationship as it clearly upsets you

A0

isitmeorhim wrote: »

Been seeing guy a few months now but only recently have put all the clues together and realised he doesn't have decent hygiene standards!
Hes an environmental scientist and passionate about sustainability, using natural things,avoiding chemicals which I admire(d )him for. .BUT he has pretty bad smelly underarms.I only discovered that he showers with water only,and doesn't use deodourant-up till then I reckoned he just sweated a lot.
Heres the complication! I have a slight ocd tendancy! Can be bit obsessive about contamination 5 degrees removed eg if someone has touched something unsavory,then everything they touch b4 washing their hands is ' contaminated' so if I touch even a few days later, then i should have to wash my hands!
Heres my dilemma.if I'm around someone whose standard of hygiene is at least average,I can fight my oddities,and know that I'm being extreme. Now I realise he believes that water on its own is sufficient to clean with, I can't deal with it and freaked out with him yesterday. Thing is,because of my obsession with cleanliness, I don't know whether I should ask him to live by my rules and use soap and shower gel or whether this is in fact me overreacting!
Even if I sorted the smelly armpits, I still have issue that he only uses water to shower!
Another problem for me is that after sex,he doesn't wash his hands.nearly had canary when saw him in kitchen filling kettle etc when knew that his hands were 'unclean'! He said that he felt that his hands didn't need washing as sex isn't dirty. After touching genitals I really have to wash my hands though, esp before eating. In this case,which of us is right?

In my opinion, you are right and not extreme, what you mention are normal standards. You are right also to wash you hands after sex. I am the same and as your bf, I try to mostly use environment friendly products.
I wouldn't suggest to finish the relationship though (it's not as bad as other issues, i.e., drug dependence, alcoholism, etc.). Just (re)educate him and tell him that it's really important for both of you to maintain good hygiene standards. Product wise, may be suggest him to get organic soaps or shower gels (free of chemicals)... I think he shouldn't shower with water only. Same story for deo.

woodchuck

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

I really hope he washes his hands (with soap!) after he's gone to the bathroom

I reckon have a talk with him about compromising... yous could look into organic/chemical-free products that he could use if he's not happy with regular shower gel etc.

seefin

I've had many an argument with my partner about washing his hands (and ideally showering) soon after sex .he maintains its just me being neurotic. Its nothing to do with germs per say,its more the ickyness factor. I also like to change sheets, a lot of sweat can be built up and don't fancy gettin into that the next night. I never considered this as ocd or extreme.luckily partner indulges me,if he refused to cooperate,who knows how id cope .
As for washing hands after toilet with soap, even if just pee, id still demand that ,no question.
Body odour is a total turn off and unacceptable in this day and age so use this as argument for gettin him to use soap in the shower

I think you need a compromise.

He should be using more than water to shower with. As an environmental scientist he should know a lot about things that dissolve in water, in particular, the fact that not everything does dissolve in water. Buy him some soap/shower gel that he might approve of. Simple does a shower gel with "no unnecessary ingredients" (http://www.simple.co.uk/products/kind-to-skin-refreshing-shower-gel-250ml-90.aspx) or maybe you might have to go a bit more far afield to find something even more basic.

I'd leave the deodorant thing alone for the moment. If he doesn't start using shower gel then there's no point him using deodorant, and if he does start using shower gel then wait and see if maybe that sorts the smell out itself. If he's washing properly and still has a genuine BO problem, then broach the subject.

As for the sex thing, and wanting him to wash his hands before eating, yes of course you should always wash your hands before eating or preparing food (including using the kettle), but that's got nothing to do with sex. Your attitude towards sex being dirty does seem a little over the top. Genitals are not sanitary, I agree with you there, but there's something about the way you talk about it that seems like you find it uncomfortably dirty in general. As you said yourself though you're aware that sometimes you react to germs and dirt badly so I'll leave that to you.

Stavro Mueller

I think you need to talk to him about this issue. Surely there have to be environmentally friendly products he can use. I know for example that you can get tea tree deodorant. I've no idea if it's any good but you get my drift. It can't be any fun for the people who work alongside him either if he's got a BO problem. Tell him sex is off the menu until he cleans up his act.

Beruthiel

Eco friendly shower gel.
There's no excuse for not washing properly.
Personally, I'd have no problem telling my partner that they smell and should get their ass into the shower.

blatantrereg

He's lazy and full of cr@p imo.

Meat consumption is a lot more damaging to the environment/has greater impact on resources than washing yourself. He obviously eats it since you dont get badly smelly underarms if you dont eat meat. [You can find academic papers about the phenomenon: It's fact, not just my opinion or personal observation.]

He ought to wash his hands before handling food as a matter of course. Doesn't matter what he's been doing before.

You're not obsessive to want basic hygiene standards. An obsessive person wouldn't let an unhygienic person near them.

aidan24326

Agree with the above. He's a bullsh1tter, and doesn't seem to have much of a clue for someone who calls himself an environmental scientist. There are plenty of products he can buy (shower gels, shampoos etc) that are naturally made and far less damaging to the environment than alot of the things he already does. His not using soaps and deodorants will make zero difference to the environment.

Does he have electricity in his house? Well the oil company that provides the oil that produces his electricity (and powers agricultural machinery so he can eat) undoubtedly do more environmental damage than he could ever counteract even in a hundred lifetimes. So his war aaginst shower gel is a rather pointless one. Tell him to wash himself or find a new girlfriend.

curlzy

blatantrereg wrote: »

He's lazy and full of cr@p imo.

Meat consumption is a lot more damaging to the environment/has greater impact on resources than washing yourself. He obviously eats it since you dont get badly smelly underarms if you dont eat meat. [You can find academic papers about the phenomenon: It's fact, not just my opinion or personal observation.]

(Blatantrereg, Could you PM me a link to that study please? I have several hippy veggie friends that defo have BO problems and some of them are vegan so I'd be fascintated by that study.)

OP at the end of the day this isn't a right/wrong kinda problem. It's totally subjective. However just because it isn't a black/white scenario doesn't mean you can't lay your cards on the table. When I first got with my BF he showered under duress once a week:eek: (his mother later told me). Once I realised that was why he smelled, I put my cards on the table, no sex unless he's showered that day. That wasn't me using sex as a weapon, I genuinely don't want to f*ck someone that doesn't smell good. Needless to say he now showers every day and my future MIL loves me

So yeah OP, just be honest and outright, tell him you aren't attracted to BO smells and that you'll go off him if it continues. You can be good to the planet and smell good if you put a bit of effort into finding the right products.

ash23

There are such things as natural deodorants and shower gels. I started buying the natural deo for my 9 year old daughter to use in summer as I don't like the idea of her using chemicals at such a young age but she needed something.
It's basically rock salt in water. But it does work as I've used it myself a few times.
There are loads of natural body products that won't impact on the environment - all it will take is a trip to a health food shop.

There's no reason for him to be whiffy at all.

bouncebouncey

I have to agree completely. First off some of the stuff he's spouted is miles off the mark. Him trying to waffle it up is neither here nor there though.

If he isn't cleanly then you can't be expected to put up with that. As has been said over and over there are loads of options for him out there. Be straight with him and tell him to sort it out.

LegacyUser

The Vikings used to make soap out of p*ss and animal fat ffs. It doesn't get much more "eco-friendly" than that.

Washing with only water is not "eco-friendly", it's laziness.

Gyalist

I know people who only use a mixture of 10% apple cider vinegar and water for all their personal hygiene needs. None of them have BO (or smell of vinegar).

Idle Passerby

You can also get deodorant in health food shops thats made from natural salt crystal. Even so, BO comes from old sweat. If he's washing daily and changing his clothes he shouldn't have BO. If he's got more than stubble on his head though he needs to use something to wash it. Water on its own cant get rid of grease (Im sure theres many natural methods involving more than just water). Unwashed greasy hair with bits of dead skin through it is foul.

dr gonzo

I think its important that you separate hygiene from perfume here. Your boyfriend does not sound fastidiously hygienic OP but if hes washing daily, brushing his teeth etc then he is (or should be) clean at least. As someone said above, a shower, regardless of the lack of a soap product, should still be sufficient for cleaning and removal of daily sweat.
However!
While I do know people that dont use deodorant and dont seem to need it, your bf obviously does and therefore should.

The real issue here is that the OP's boyfriends lifestyle is irrelevant, the only thing that matters is that the OP finds the scenario unpleasant. In my own case, if any aspect of my personal hygiene made my girlfriend uncomfortable enough to turn around and tell me you'd better believe i'd fix it. Not because I was bowing to her will but because I would know that she found something about me unpleasant to the point of not wanting to be physical with me! Its a no brainer really. Tell him OP.

ihsb

I was watching that Channel 4 Embarrassing Bodies programme the other night and your man said that you had to use soap to wash around your bottom because of the fat content in poo. You need to use the soap to break it up and clean it off, otherwise it will just stay there.

So he is full of sh!t. I would not want a dirty guy near me, never mind more intimate!

gubbie

ihsb wrote: »

...you had to use soap to wash around your bottom because of the fat content in poo...
So he is full of sh!t...

Literally

Try encouraging eco-friendly soaps. Or you could both make some!

eth0

Beruthiel wrote: »

Eco friendly shower gel.
There's no excuse for not washing properly.
Personally, I'd have no problem telling my partner that they smell and should get their ass into the shower.

Mighty stuff. Can be a rip off around here though, shop around