Social discomfort, limits how much I get to know people

KyussBishop

I've been having big troubles with social phobia for quite a long time, which has kept me without any kind of social life and with degraded social skills, but I've made some decent advances in overcoming it in the last year (and previously before that), but am finding there are some problems I encounter.

My social skills are not the best so while I feel I can chat to people relatively ok, when getting to know someone I seem to hit a plateau after a time and then find they lose interest in talking to/knowing me; I never get past the 'barely acquainted' stage basically.

Perhaps generally when that happens we just don't have a lot to talk about, maybe just don't have enough similar interests etc. but it's something I encounter a lot and it is incredibly difficult for me to actually just put in the basic effort of conversation on a regular basis, so it's kind of frustrating and I feel a bit lost.


What makes things worse for me, is that I have a terrible tendency to overanalyze everything and minor embarrassments socially and the like just make my mind slowly implode over time; I can ignore stuff in the moment and it doesn't bother me so much, but it will be working away in the back of my mind unknown, to such an extent that it becomes a big discouragement to doing anything social later on.

The worst of that usually comes when I have my 'bad' days regarding anxiety, as sometimes I am physically incapable of relaxing for entire days at a time, and when I am in a state like that (which happens every once in a while), I can't avoid being on-edge constantly, and while I can suppress it, it really affects my ability to interact with people well and amplifies any tiny negative things that happen.

Something like this happened (a relatively minor social discomfort) 6 months ago, just me accidentally offending someone and them getting slightly irritated at me, and looking back at it I know logically it was nothing, but it got so worked up in my mind emotionally (over a long period of time) that I haven't really been out doing anything for about 6 months now (although in that time a family member passed, which I guess naturally prolonged that).


I'm getting back to doing social stuff again now after that long absence (thankfully I've found something semi-social I like doing on a regular basis), but I'm kind of worried things are going to follow the same pattern again; I don't want to be so fickle when it comes to minor/stupid stuff like that, and am worried about something similarly minor setting me back such a long time again, but I just can't help this stuff being massively overblown in my head.

If I had a consistent friend I could talk to in person or something, this stuff probably would be less of a big deal, but usually I just deal with this stuff on my own and thus my mind is free to warp things in whatever direction it wants.


Anyway, this is partially just venting, not sure what kind of replies will get but throwing it out there anyway.

smashedhat

I suffer severe social phobia, and like yourself, I analyse things to death and replay scenes where I was bad socially on a constant loop in my head, until I descend into severe depression and self-loathing. There was an incident a couple weeks ago where I had to give a class presentation and it didn't go well, and I've been giving myself severe abuse in my head ever since. Been severely isolated all my life, I'm a 30 yr old lad with just one male friend and absolutely no women in my life. I am so closed off and it seems impossible for me to meet people, I've given up all hope of ever having a relationship. Conversation is extremely difficult for me, I hate being in the company of just one other person, as there is so much more pressure to keep up your side of the conversation. I have a feeling of blankness in my head. it's not just nervousness that makes conversation difficult, even in the company of my one male friend who I've known most my life, I still struggle to make a reasonable contribution to conversations.
I wish I could be born again and start my personality from scratch. Social phobia/extreme shyness is a curse. I would rather be a loudmouth gobsh*te than a quiet lad cos at least the loudmouth will have friends and form relationships. Also it seems confidence is absolutely essential when it comes to attracting women and as I don't have any I feel there is no point ever even approaching anyone. I realise I've just kinda vented as well and haven't actually offered any advice to you, but I'm in no position to offer advice, just wanted U to know you're not the only one with these self-defeating thoughts

Sam Tyler

I've just stumbled upon this thread by pure coincidence and I'm so glad I did.
Both your stories seem to be so similar to mine. My social anxiety is starting to get out of control and I can't seem to stop it. I'm working my self into a frenzy over the simplest of things such as going to the shops but once I'm there I'm fine. The same with meeting people I love being in the company of people but I seem to have lost touch with so many. I seem to be dealing on my own with everything and wish I had a close friend to relate too.I too wish I could wipe the slate clean and start again.

For me I have suffered with self confidence issues all my life, that feeling of never being good enough. I've been single nearly 5 years now and worry that I will be alone forever.

Looks like I have vented too but I'm sharing my story so hope that helps some what.