Grandmother with Dementia

snoreborewhore

Okay, so my Granny has dementia. She's been getting progressively worse over the years but is still relatively okay. She's been living in a Nursing Home for over a year now and absolutely loves it, the nurses there tell me and my Mam that she's always involving herself in all the activities and is generally having a great time there.
While that's absolutely fantastic for her, I can't help but get very upset over the whole issue. Her memory has been so bad that before she was actually diagnosed with dementia we thought it was Alzheimers. While it started off with just forgetting what day it is, it's gotten to the stage where she doesn't even recognise the time of the year, and finds it difficult to recognise myself or any of my siblings. She still recognises my Mam and all five of her brothers, but I'm worried that this won't last for long.
I'm finding it really hard to come to terms with the fact that my Granny can barely recognise me anymore, so much so, that I find it hard to visit her and am often making up excuses to avoid her. Am I a horrible person for doing this?

herisson

hey!!

no your not at all! ive been there before! My gran suffered with dementia for year before she died last november!

im not going to lie it is a very difficult thing to deal with. It is heartbreaking when she fails to recognize who you are. But ill give you one piece of advice that will help!

just go and see her...i know it is easier said than done...believe me i know but you need to face it head on...
you will come to terms with this eventually but for your sake and her sake just go see her.
occasionally she will have moments of lucidness where she does remember which is fantastic
if you keep at it visiting her there is a hope that with every visit she will slowly remember!
im not promising fully that she will remember exactly who you are but she will recognize your face..she will know that you are regular visitor and that you are connected to her in some way
keep saying your name and keep calling her gran/nan or whatever you like to call her!

this is what i did with my own gran and she could never remember what my name was sometimes but i let that slip coz she had 40+ other grandkids to remember!! but she recognized that we were connected in some way!

OP genuinely you are not a horrible or bad person for thinking this
it is just your way of dealing with it
it is a very difficult issue to deal with...
you can take or leave my advice i dont mind but im just speaking from experience!!

hope this helps in some way OP!!

snugglebear

hey op,
I went through a similar situation with my godmother- she had dementia for over 10 years before she passed away and it was horrible.
She was in a nursing home for most of that time and for the last few years for her life she didn't even recognise her own husband even though he visited up to four times a day right up until he passed away.
At first I would always go and visit and then over time as her memory started to fade and she became less and less coherent I visited less and less- it's something I've always felf guilty over because we were close when I was younger. I was there when she died.
It is a horrible situation for all involved and my heart goes out to you- even if you feel uncomfortable visiting maybe do it for your family- one of my biggest regrets is not visting enough.
Take care of yourself op x

Jennypops

Hi OP,

No you are not a horrible person at all, what you are feeling is totally natural. My grandmother had alzeimhers/vascular dementia and it is a very difficult thing for any family to go through.
I was exceptionally close to my grandmother and always found it really hard to go and see her, on one hand I really wanted to spend time with her but on the other I hated seeing her being ill like that.

I found it really important to talk to someone, just to let it all out and be able to speak freely about how you are feeling is really important. You all need to support each other as best you can.
Its not a nice illness and that feeling of a ticking clock and wondering how much longer she will recognise people is really hard, but you have to keep at the forefront of your mind that it is an illness, nothing can take away the memories you all made and share, you will all be in her heart forever and nothing can wipe that.
I remember my family all sat around her bed chatting and laughing and talking about old times with her, as well as just sitting with her reading to her or playing her some music..whilst at times it would be hard not to just cry I separated the illness from her if that makes sense.

What matters to her is that you are there, whether she recognises you or not I firmly believe that your love overcomes that and just being there is what matters.

LegacyUser

I hear ya. I know how you feel, only in my case it's my mother. When she started showing definite signs of dementia I found it very hard to cope with it. I'm better able to manage it now but it's not easy. She's in a nursing home now, in the late stages of her illness which is admittedly a different place to where your gran is. I sometimes have to fight back the tears when I go visit her. It has broken my heart in a way that nothing else in my life ever has.

I know where you're coming from regarding the visits. I have to force myself to go see her in the nursing home she's now in because it is tough. I don't believe you are a bad person for not wanting to go visit. Why would you? It's a soul-sapping thing to see someone you love turn into something else. Different people cope with it in different ways. One of my aunts finds it very hard to visit my mum but I'd never judge her for that. I don't doubt that she loves my mum. She can't bear to see her the way she is now.

The reason why I force myself to go? The main one is pure selfishness from my point of view. I ask myself how would I feel if mam died in the morning and I'd not been in for ages? I also ask myself what would she do if the tables were turned. I'm pretty sure she'd come visit me. I don't want to regret not having gone to visit her.

The second is that I want to treasure what reasonably decent memories I have of my mam. The rare occasions when information does make its way through the fog and gets a reaction. These little moments are seldom but priceless. I'm glad my man knew for even 10 seconds that she's going to have a grandkid or that my sister was getting married.

I'm not telling you your business here but I think you should go visit her. You don't want to find yourself regretting not visiting her after she dies. You also might get more out of the visit than you think.

snoreborewhore

Thank you all so much for your advice! It really is tough, and it's comforting to know that others with the same experience can offer me first hand advice. She is such a lovely woman and while it is upsetting to see her memory get progressively worse I should really make the most of the time I have left with her
It's funny, she can forget who I am and even something that happened about 30 seconds ago, but can still remember vividly her own childhood memories. I'll be paying a visit to her today with my Mam for Mother's Day. Thanks everyone for the advice x

neil_18_

I'm in the same situation aswell, except I'm away from Ireland for a few months at a time for the last while. It's hard going back to see her and thinking she probably doesn't know who I am, despite being so close to her for 20 years and visiting her at least 3 times a week!

Its painful walking into her house when she doesn't recognise me and shes quiet and uncomfortable, but I always win her over, and then the next day I'll go back and do it all over again! The main thing is that I'm spending time with her so I just make the most of it!

tawnyowl

You're not horrible - you're only being human. Seeing a loved one suffer in this way is heartbreaking.

When my grandmother went into the hospital that took care of her for the last few years of her life, it was very difficult for me to see her there - I'm not even sure if she was conscious any of her time there. Still, they took very good care of her.

I found it too difficult to cope with seeing her there, so I stopped going, though my mother went every day until granny died.

bubbaloo

Hi SBW - there is a thread on dementia over on the Long Term Illness board: here's the link.... http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055762891

We haven't been active on it for a while but you'll find people there (including myself) who understand what you're going through. Maybe have a read throught the posts there and reply if you feel if you want to.

Nothingbetter2d

snoreborewhore wrote: »

Okay, so my Granny has dementia. She's been getting progressively worse over the years but is still relatively okay. She's been living in a Nursing Home for over a year now and absolutely loves it, the nurses there tell me and my Mam that she's always involving herself in all the activities and is generally having a great time there.
While that's absolutely fantastic for her, I can't help but get very upset over the whole issue. Her memory has been so bad that before she was actually diagnosed with dementia we thought it was Alzheimers. While it started off with just forgetting what day it is, it's gotten to the stage where she doesn't even recognise the time of the year, and finds it difficult to recognise myself or any of my siblings. She still recognises my Mam and all five of her brothers, but I'm worried that this won't last for long.
I'm finding it really hard to come to terms with the fact that my Granny can barely recognise me anymore, so much so, that I find it hard to visit her and am often making up excuses to avoid her. Am I a horrible person for doing this?

my father's mother went that way.... my granny would remember me but not anyone else. it used to upset my dad a bit but there is little anyone can do to stop it.

snoreborewhore

Thank you all for your replies, some great advice It'll definately be tough seeing her the way she is but hopefully visiting her as frequently as possible will trigger some kind of memory in her head! It's a terrible situation to be in and I completely empathise with those of you with the same experiences. Thank you all very much x