Atheism and death

take everything

Hi
I'm agnostic.
Just wondering how atheists deal with death.
Reason i ask is my uncle died recently (i wasn't very close but it's enough to affect me somewhat) and it's the first time a close-ish relative has passed away where i identify as non-religious. (I still believed something when my grandparents passed when i was younger).

It's just my first impulse was to say a prayer for the guy. But then i stopped myself trying to reconcile it with the idea this might be a bit silly (haven't said a prayer in i dunno how long, not even if i'm worried about someone- always able to rationalise the doubtful use of same).

But this is a bit different. It's like i thought- religion must be a great comfort for bereaved who are religious. I thought- what's wrong with thinking the guy is in a happy place now, still conscious in some form.
But all i had was agnosticism and i wondered how much use it was to me in dealing with this. I felt a bit annoyed that i stopped myself from saying a prayer. Psychologically, i felt a bit lacking (if that makes sense).

As i say, i wasn't very close to the man (knew him as a kid) but it still affects me enough to write this post wondering how do atheists deal with bereavement. It struck me that even if it is what some might describe as delusional, religion's primary purpose is probably how to reconcile death in our minds. What can someone of an atheist/agnostic "bent" do.

Anyway, just wanted to get thoughts on this.
Thanks.

Fortyniner

One very good way is to consider that the individual lives on in your memories, and in the genes of relatives. My uncle's humanist funeral was brilliant, by the way.

You still have to accept that he's gone, though. End of.

Zombrex

take everything wrote: »

Hi
I'm agnostic.
Just wondering how atheists deal with death.
Reason i ask is my uncle died recently (i wasn't very close but it's enough to affect me somewhat) and it's the first time a close-ish relative has passed away where i identify as non-religious. (I still believed something when my grandparents passed when i was younger).

It's just my first impulse was to say a prayer for the guy. But then i stopped myself trying to reconcile it with the idea this might be a bit silly (haven't said a prayer in i dunno how long, not even if i'm worried about someone- always able to rationalise the doubtful use of same).

But this is a bit different. It's like i thought- religion must be a great comfort for bereaved who are religious. I thought- what's wrong with thinking the guy is in a happy place now, still conscious in some form.
But all i had was agnosticism and i wondered how much use it was to me in dealing with this. I felt a bit annoyed that i stopped myself from saying a prayer. Psychologically, i felt a bit lacking (if that makes sense).

As i say, i wasn't very close to the man (knew him as a kid) but it still affects me enough to write this post wondering how do atheists deal with bereavement. It struck me that even if it is what some might describe as delusional, religion's primary purpose is probably how to reconcile death in our minds. What can someone of an atheist/agnostic "bent" do.

Anyway, just wanted to get thoughts on this.
Thanks.

It is a natural human instinct to continue to think about a person (ie their person-hood, their mind, rather than their physical body) after they have died. It is an extension of the "theory of mind", the ability to humans to think about people who are not physically present, which allows us to ponder what Mary is doing in Galway, and where Bill went when he left the room.

So the first thing I would say is such instincts are natural and I wouldn't beat yourself up over feeling them. I still talk to loved ones in graveyards for example. I know nothing is physically happening, but it makes me feel better.

That is the key difference I think. You enter into a whole other realm of issues if you start believing that the person really does actually still exist some where else floating around. When I am chatting to my grandmother by her grave I know I am not actually chatting to my grandmother. It is simply a mental action that I allow myself to engage in because it makes me feel better.

The second thing I would say is that honouring the memory of a person who is gone by living your life to the fullest is the best way to deal with death. It can be tough being an atheist who does not believe in an after life, but one thing it does is re-enforce how utterly utterly special this life is. Wasting it is a crime.

Every time I think about friends and family who have died I think what am I doing to get the most out of this life and what am I doing to help others get the most out of it. It is sad to recognize but I know many of my family who have died who lead lives with regret, and I do not want to look back at my life when I am at deaths door and regret the life I have lived and the choices I've made.

If there was ever an atheist motto it is Carpe diem. Living your life like you might be dead tomorrow is not just a quaint saying like it is for religious people, it is the crushing and beautiful reality of atheist life because ultimately and eventually it will be true.

Do everything.

Delirium

Fortyniner wrote: »

One very good way is to consider that the individual lives on in your memories, and in the genes of relatives.

My aunt, who I was very close to, died last year. She was a surrogate mother to me and my siblings after our mother died when we were kids.

And what Fortyniner says is a very true based on the experience at the wake. My siblings, myself and my dad spent it taking about how great a woman she was and basically told each other fond memories of her. And over time, more and more relatives joined in the conversation.

There was a period where people seemed to hurt less as they told their stories.

I basically came away thinking that we should all be grateful for whatever time we get to spend with those that we love in this life. The time will always seem too short when we lose a loved one, so make the most of the time you have with them.

lynski

My dad passed away last year and for me I know that he is part of me, part of all my family and he exists in a very real way for me as part of my life.
My children were told that Grandad was in our hearts and our memories. They are find with that. They remember going to the graveyard a few days after the funeral and putting flowers there. and they know he is in the ground. The 3yr old asks the odd question and makes a comment sometimes, ( her first reaction is priceless tho, at 2 yrs and 4mths, i told her grandad had died, eyes wide she replied 'who shot Grandad?')
While going to the worst of the grieving last year I did think it would be great to believe in a god or a heavan or an afterlife, the comfort of it, that there was no end. But i didn't and still dont.
I have heard various family members talk about him being in heaven, with his mother/father/nephew/niece/ and it always makes me laugh. If there is a heaven, then by any rules of any religion I have ever heard of there is no way he is there. Loved him to bits, but philandering, alcoholic, blasphemers generally dont make it and he never said sorry to anyone. I, obviously, keep this belief to myself.

Nervous Wreck

A dear friend of mine killed himself last year. He wasn't a religious man and, obviously, neither am I. The only way I found to deal with his death was to acknowledge that it was what he wanted. Though he had depressive tendencies, he was still a very level-headed and logical person. It was just what he wanted. I don't believe he was 'sick' when he did it. I believe it was something he gave real thought to and decided was the right thing for him to do. It makes me very sad that he's gone. But it relieves me, in some way, that he did things his way and, typical of his nature, was unapologetic of his beliefs. As for missing him, I do. Every day, I do. My friend is gone. I don't believe he's gone anywhere in particular but he's gone from his life and from mine. He's left a significant gap. And I'm really thankful for that too.

amacachi

Most of us are doomed to spending our lives watching everyone around us die. Hopefully first it'll be older relatives, then our parents and mates' parents and then people we went to school with or worked with or we grew towards over the course of our lives. I say "hopefully" because it'd be nice to have a pattern. When one of those happen out of sequence it knocks everyone for 6. Even when it's expected it's still the ultimate kick in the nuts. When my Granda died I was alright. A week and a bit later while I was on a school tour in Germany I lay awake crying that he was gone. It was stupid, we weren't close, he was a dick but somehow part of what I am went away.

I dunno, one just has be straightforward and stick to it as much as possible. Like I said, the vast majority of us will see a lot of people die before us, just have to get back up, dust yourself down and keep on going.

Galvasean

Might be worth reading David Attenborough's thoughts on the subject:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/8831565/Sir-David-Attenboroughs-comfort-from-grief-in-natural-world.html