My girl told me she wants other guyS

LegacyUser

Hey, hows it.
Under the cover of anonymity here, thankfully, cause this is a handful for me to even talk about.

First off, I'm 26 years old.

I met my girl about three months ago.
We get on so great.
Not only as friends, but in every aspect of our relationship.

What she told me yesterday though, it took me completely by surprise.

She confessed to me that during love making, she sometimes fantasizes that there's another man present, along with myself of course.
She then went on to tell me that she had very strong desires to make this fantasy a reality.

We don't live together (thank God), although I was feeling that perhaps we were getting to that stage where it might happen shortly, but this has made me re-examine not only my feelings as regards this relationship, but to be perfectly honest, it's thrown my perspective on relationships (and even people) in general a little awry.

I'm mean, she's not the devious type (at least that was my perception of her).

She's very normal, very sweet, very loving.
She's young also (23 years old, just gone), and while I'm aware a she's most likely had quite a few sexual partners before me, I never sensed even a hint of what I would consider to be deviancy (which is what I genuinely feel this is).

My main problem is..... well, I just feel basically numb with shock at the whole idea of this!

Is it something I'm not providing?

I mean, I'm a good guy.
I work hard, I'm very conscious of being pleasant and considerate toward others, I stay in shape, I dress well, I eat well.
I figured I was doing what I needed to do and being who I needed to be to keep her happy.

And she seemed to be...
Until she unloaded this on me yesterday; and unloaded is the only way I can describe it, because I honestly feel as though I've been metaphorically bomb-shelled.

Am I looking for help/suggestions?

I don't know.
I honestly don't.

I can't imagine that anyone might suggest something to me that might bring me around to the idea, or even make me understand it a bit more.
As my name says, I'm just so terribly confused right now.

I don't even know what else to say...

dougieruggie

To be honest I'd run a mile. Any girl I've ever known who wanted a devil's threesome or who had one inevitably was an absolute slapper.

I am a friend

Well there doesnt seem to be middle ground here... Ye are both too young to settle for a scenario you dont want so its better to move on now..

BTW its no reflection on you - its just what she is into.

Lorna123

I would just think that this is a fantasy and not something that she would like in reality at all. If she said she would then I would not like that. Sometimes we say things in the heat of passion just to sound sexy but we would not carry out what we are saying. Make sure that it is not just something like that before you take any action. I really don't think you have anything to worry about. I bet if you suggested bringing along another man some evening she would run a mile.:D

bouncebouncey

I would warn against assumptions and advice that this is just a fantasy that she doesn't want to make reality and that she'd run a mile if you suggested it.

From they way you have described it didn't seem to be something she said in the 'heat of passion' to sound sexy. It sounds like something she explained to you she would like to try. You have to take her at face value on that IMO.

If and when she does try a threesome it may not be all she imagined or it may be ten times better for her. That's neither here nor there in your case.

You're not interested in this. You need to tell her that. If she isn't happy with that and feels its a deal breaker so be it. If the idea that she actively longs for other men sexually is a problem for you and thats a deal breaker so be it.

Her sexual preferences or appetite are no reflection on you. What shes into has nothing to do with you and how you behave.

I would add another thing too. I'd knock this talk of 'deviancy' on the head for a start. You may have meant it in the most literal of senses but it is a very pejorative term and is likely to be seen as such. She's into what she's into. It doesn't make her any more or less of a person. It doesn't make her a slapper. It doesn't make her anything other than a woman who has sexual preferences that don't align with your own.

To me it seems this is a total deal breaker for you and thats fair enough. You shouldn't be 'brought around' to her way of thinking nor should she be 'brought around' to yours.

ihsb

Would you ever suggest a threesome with another woman? Or if she had of suggested that would you have been bothered as much?

I have a problem with the girl being called a slapper, she wants to try what she wants to try. Maybe you should sit down with her, discuss other things she would like to try and then figure out if you are comfortable with it.

Maybe it is the feeling of being "full" (the only way I can think of describing it) with two penis'. Maybe she would be comfortable to use a dildo instead? Not the same as a man granted but maybe a little bit of a compromise?

TheIronyMaiden

dougieruggie wrote: »

To be honest I'd run a mile. Any girl I've ever known who wanted a devil's threesome or who had one inevitably was an absolute slapper.

Ridiculous. Would the same be said of a man who had a threesome with 2 girls? OP please avoid this kind of thinking!

While I know this is a shock for you, you need to take a deep breath and try not to freak out! Like some other posters have mentioned, this is not about you being inadequate. I can see from your post that you've taken this quite personally but that is not what your girlfriend intended. If she's into swinging then perhaps she is able to separate sex from emotions - a little adventure in the bedroom does not reflect how she feels about you and your relationship.

At the end of the day if you aren't into it, then you should tell her it makes you uncomfortable. But please don't pick a fight with her over it or anything like that - she just shared one of her sexual fantasies with you, which is obviously very personal. It's a compliment to you really that she felt comfortable enough to let you in on it.

Killed By Death

Hi OP. I think this is a case of two totally different sexual styles.

You talk about sex in terms of 'making love' and describe her fantasy as 'deviant' but in fact a threesome is one of the commonest fantasies there is.
In fact I think it may even be number one. (I'd rather not google that but you can check it yourself I'm sure!) -so as opposed to being 'deviant' it is in fact commonplace.

You also describe yourself very much as a people pleaser:

Is it something I'm not providing?
I mean, I'm a good guy.
I work hard, I'm very conscious of being pleasant and considerate toward others,
I figured I was doing what I needed to do and being who I needed to be to keep her happy.

Wheras I think she is more into pleasing herself. It's likely she doesn't make as much connection between emotion and sex as you do and there is nothing wrong with that, it's just a different outlook to yours.

You are more emotionally engaged. For her sex is physical.

I know you are shocked as you seem to have assumed her outlook was the same as yours but it's never a good idea to assume things like that about any person you are with. The best thing you can do is talk to her and explain where you are coming from and then you can both decide whether there is any point in trying to move forward together as a couple or breaking up.

blatantrereg

It doesn't reflect on you. It's just a kink.

I dont think it's a good idea to be with someone who wants to go off with other people.

Personally I'd find her repulsive for suggesting it. Even if I wasn't wired to react that way I'd just dump her outright. I'd feel she was trying to emasculate me tbh. Basic courtesy and respect are necessary.

You could easily deter her from the idea by making her feel claimed by you in some way. But women who need that to act decently aren't worth the trouble.

bouncebouncey

Easily deter her by making her feel claimed?

Jaysus wept. Shes a person not a possession. If she's into the idea of multiple guys thats what shes into. Trying to 'claim' her isn't going to change that IMO. I don't know many women who'd like to be treated as my property if I was dating them.

LegacyUser

Hey guys. Thanks for the replies; I appreciate it.

blatantrereg wrote: »

I'd feel she was trying to emasculate me tbh.

Basic courtesy and respect are necessary.

Whether it was her intention to do this or not, I can honestly say this is the most apt description of how I felt.
Completely emasculated.

Perhaps for some female posters that don't quite understand, try and put yourself in our position, and imagine basically being told "you're not man enough, so I'm looking elsewhere", but being told that from someone with whom you are in a position of trust and respect and caring (even dependence), and more-over, seemingly being expected to understand this and to maintain that position thereafter.

I guess that's what I was trying to convey when I said I felt as though I had taken a bombshell right to ground zero.

But this has been on my mind intensely over this last 24 hours.

I know a poster has mentioned that this isn't a reflection on me, and perhaps I'm somewhat of a people pleaser etc etc, but to me, basic logic dictates that if indeed our sex life was as genuinely and thoroughly fulfilling as perhaps I imagined it to be, then this would not be an issue.

It may be okay.
Hell, it's okay for me.
I'm perfectly happy with it.
But after examining my thoughts on the matter as clinically as possible, I know in my heart of hearts it's far from the wild spontaneous crazy *insert another multitude of affecting adjectives here* sex life that I know, not only a lot of girls, but people in general, think about and fantasize about.

I just...

Hmmm, how do I say...

I guess this has affected me to the point where I'm genuinely beginning to reconsider how I view myself.

Relationships haven't always been the easiest thing for me, and right when I find this girl who I think is perfect and she's so sweet and sensitive; it just makes total sense to me that it simply must be lacking on my part (as lovely and easy as it would be to think otherwise...), whether others are in accordance with that school of thought or not.

blatantrereg

Well she is objectifying herself in what she's suggesting. Often people who have bad boundaries feel a need for someone to impose boundaries on them. She really does have bad boundaries.

I'm not advocating that route anyway. And I respect that you disagree with my perception of things. So let's not discuss it more here in the interest of staying on topic.

Back to the OP, if she is trying to bring you around to this sort of idea, it might well be that "with you present of course" is not as necessary to her as she might suggest. If she's trying to bring you around to an idea, she might be doing so incrementally. It's not a path to go down tbh.

Not to judge people who do stuff like swinging, it's their own business and all. But it really doesn't sound like it's your cup of tea.

sunshiner

Soterriblyconfused wrote: »

Hey, hows it.
Under the cover of anonymity here, thankfully, cause this is a handful for me to even talk about.

First off, I'm 26 years old.

I met my girl about three months ago.
We get on so great.
Not only as friends, but in every aspect of our relationship.

What she told me yesterday though, it took me completely by surprise.

She confessed to me that during love making, she sometimes fantasizes that there's another man present, along with myself of course.
She then went on to tell me that she had very strong desires to make this fantasy a reality.

We don't live together (thank God), although I was feeling that perhaps we were getting to that stage where it might happen shortly, but this has made me re-examine not only my feelings as regards this relationship, but to be perfectly honest, it's thrown my perspective on relationships (and even people) in general a little awry.

I'm mean, she's not the devious type (at least that was my perception of her).

She's very normal, very sweet, very loving.
She's young also (23 years old, just gone), and while I'm aware a she's most likely had quite a few sexual partners before me, I never sensed even a hint of what I would consider to be deviancy (which is what I genuinely feel this is).

My main problem is..... well, I just feel basically numb with shock at the whole idea of this!

Is it something I'm not providing?

I mean, I'm a good guy.
I work hard, I'm very conscious of being pleasant and considerate toward others, I stay in shape, I dress well, I eat well.
I figured I was doing what I needed to do and being who I needed to be to keep her happy.

And she seemed to be...
Until she unloaded this on me yesterday; and unloaded is the only way I can describe it, because I honestly feel as though I've been metaphorically bomb-shelled.

Am I looking for help/suggestions?

I don't know.
I honestly don't.

I can't imagine that anyone might suggest something to me that might bring me around to the idea, or even make me understand it a bit more.
As my name says, I'm just so terribly confused right now.

I don't even know what else to say...

so are you saying OP that you have never had fantasies about other women?, maybe dreaming about threesomes and so forth? sometimes partners say it to get turned on, and or to get a reaction. i think you should tell her some of your fantasy's and see what happens. It doesnt mean that it will happen sometimes its all said in the heat of the moment and there is nothing wrong with that.

The Corinthian

blatantrereg wrote: »

Not to judge people who do stuff like swinging, it's their own business and all. But it really doesn't sound like it's your cup of tea.

I agree, but would also add that the thought of not being able to satisfy her is also a serious ego issue for the OP. This means that even if it is a fantasy that she would happily forgo incarnating, the the fact that the OP now knows it is there will become akin to a itch he cannot scratch and this could sour the longer-term relationship.

It's obvious that the OP considers this an irreparable damage to their relationship; that he's grateful that they've not taken the leap to live together betrays this as it would make breaking up more difficult.

My guess is that he has all but decided to break up with her. Perhaps he's here to seek validation for this decision. Perhaps he just wants to articulate his feelings so he can act upon them. Either way, Pandora's box is open and even if she had no problem never pursuing such fantasies, the affect on the OP's ego will remain.

@OP: Either you can get over with such feelings of inadequacy she's invoked or you cannot. If not, you're better off breaking up and moving on.

indough

she sounds like one of those who lacks the thoughts-to-speech filter. while i've heard much worse in my time, i still believe that people should just keep certain things to themselves. not every brain fart needs to see the light of day

Balmed Out

Its not an issue of whether what she wants is right or wrong. The issue is ye have very different core values and arent really compatible.

johnyrotten

Soterriblyconfused wrote: »

Hey guys. Thanks for the replies; I appreciate it.



Whether it was her intention to do this or not, I can honestly say this is the most apt description of how I felt.
Completely emasculated.

Perhaps for some female posters that don't quite understand, try and put yourself in our position, and imagine basically being told "you're not man enough, so I'm looking elsewhere", but being told that from someone with whom you are in a position of trust and respect and caring (even dependence), and more-over, seemingly being expected to understand this and to maintain that position thereafter.

I guess that's what I was trying to convey when I said I felt as though I had taken a bombshell right to ground zero.

But this has been on my mind intensely over this last 24 hours.

I know a poster has mentioned that this isn't a reflection on me, and perhaps I'm somewhat of a people pleaser etc etc, but to me, basic logic dictates that if indeed our sex life was as genuinely and thoroughly fulfilling as perhaps I imagined it to be, then this would not be an issue.

It may be okay.
Hell, it's okay for me.
I'm perfectly happy with it.
But after examining my thoughts on the matter as clinically as possible, I know in my heart of hearts it's far from the wild spontaneous crazy *insert another multitude of affecting adjectives here* sex life that I know, not only a lot of girls, but people in general, think about and fantasize about.

I just...

Hmmm, how do I say...

I guess this has affected me to the point where I'm genuinely beginning to reconsider how I view myself.

Relationships haven't always been the easiest thing for me, and right when I find this girl who I think is perfect and she's so sweet and sensitive; it just makes total sense to me that it simply must be lacking on my part (as lovely and easy as it would be to think otherwise...), whether others are in accordance with that school of thought or not.

You write like a woman thats making a drama story up for entertainment value. You dont sound like a man at all.

OP - honestly, I think you're overreacting somewhat. A lot of people have threesome fantasies, whether it be two girls or two guys in a straight relationship. There's nothing wrong with them. You say it emasculates you - I genuinely cannot see how it would. She's not saying, "you're not man enough". She's saying, "I want to experiment". That's all. If you were more confident in your own love making, then you wouldn't feel it were an issue.

Ickle Magoo

Welcome to Boards, johnyrotten.

Please note PI and it's subforums are strictly moderated and posts are expected to be civil, mature and constructive.

I'd advise that you take the time to read the forum charter here and Boards general posting rules and etiquette herebefore posting again.

Many thanks.

blatantrereg

Soterriblyconfused wrote: »

basic logic dictates that if indeed our sex life was as genuinely and thoroughly fulfilling as perhaps I imagined it to be, then this would not be an issue.

It's much more likely that she is very fulfilled, and is getting carried away as a result. If she wasn't happy with you she'd just dump you.

I find this girl who I think is perfect and she's so sweet and sensitive; it just makes total sense to me that it simply must be lacking on my part (as lovely and easy as it would be to think otherwise...),

Nobody's perfect. Dont idealise her. This is something unpleasant about her, not anything deficient in you.

Honestly I dont think you'd find it sweet and lovely to think it's not you. I think you'd rather turn your distaste towards yourself than acknowledge flaws in her.

LegacyUser

sunshiner wrote: »

so are you saying OP that you have never had fantasies about other women?, maybe dreaming about threesomes and so forth? sometimes partners say it to get turned on, and or to get a reaction.

I THINK YOU SHOULD TELL HER SOME OF YOUR FANTASY'S AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

It doesnt mean that it will happen sometimes its all said in the heat of the moment and there is nothing wrong with that.

lol - if I distinctly wanted to create some genuine bad blood, then perhaps that's something I might consider.

What I've been focusing my thoughts on most keenly over this last couple days however, has my own personal attitude.
The attitude I've had toward her, in our relationship, and really that which I decided to adopt and embody around people in general for most of my life I guess.

I think the poster that pointed out that I have been too much of a people pleaser has really probably highlighted a key issue for me.

I do try and be easy going and so forth, as the product I find is that it does make me approachable and seem more friendly, and this next part is key - I think one of the main reasons I believe there was the potential to form a relationship with this girl initially, is cause she seemed to find me unpretentious.
She genuinely seems irked by guys who have a fairly excessive sense of themselves.
I know that purely from experience of being around her in public and seeing her reactions.

But the unfortunate affect of this has also been, I guess, the character I embody also lacks a certain assertive nature.

I mean, if I had that, she surely would never have even brought up something of that texture, that she was bound to know would abrade or provoke me somewhat.

As the quoted poster even mentioned, getting a "reaction" is something that's inherent in sharing something so emotive; certainly given these circumstances.

I just sent her a text message today saying I've been busy and stuff, explaining why I haven't been in touch or asked to meet her or anything.
Obviously I'm basically trying to hold off on contact as much as possible until I have this figured out a bit better.

I'm not sure where to go from here really.

One thing is obvious to me now though.
This assertive nature is something that simply must tie in somewhere with sexuality, and therefore that aspect of the relationship I've been having with her, because it is very clear to me now that it has been lacking, both physically and personally.

I'm just terrified that I'll become overbearing and distant all at once if I begin to take steps in that direction, and that's certainly not going to do the relationship any favors either.
...

Okay.
Rant over.
I've unloaded enough for one night.

I appreciate those who have taken the time to read my posts and share your thoughts on the matter.
It really does help just to write this down and clear my head and get that feedback at the same time.

P. Breathnach

I take it that there is no doubt that she was making a proposition rather than playing mindgames.

I know what I would do in your place. First, I'd tell her that threesomes are not my scene. Second, I'd try to establish whether her suggestion was in the realm of silly talk, or something that is essential to her. I think I'd better clarify.

By "silly talk" I mean that she is playing with the idea, perhaps without giving sufficient thought to the consequences. If that's the case, then the idea is already in the dustbin. She got no encouragement from you when she said it, and you have backed off a bit, using the "I've been busy" excuse that, unless she is stupid, she will see through.

By "essential to her" I mean that this wish is at the core of her being, that her needs in a fulfilling sexual relationship include MMF threesomes. If that's the case, and you are not up for that, then you are facing a real problem.

You can't ignore what she said (well, you can, but I think it would be a big mistake). I don't think you should delay dealing with it. As soon as you can psych yourself up for it, I think you should ask her to meet you, and put her suggestion on the agenda - not in advance, but as soon as you are together, tell her that there is something you need to talk about. Ask her about her fantasy, and try to establish how important it is to her. Then tell her that that threesomes are not for you. Be prepared for the possibility that you might need to terminate the relationship.

There is one thing that I think you have wrong, and that is what you have said about assertiveness in your relationship. I really don't think that your being generally more assertive would have made a blind bit of difference to her sexual imagination, but it might have been a barrier to your getting together in the first place.

Note that I used the phrasing "generally more assertive". You can be gentle, mild-mannered, considerate, accommodating in nearly everything. I think they are good qualities. What you need is an awareness that there are some areas (not just the one that we are discussing here) where you know where you stand, and are not prepared to budge. You can be considerate, but not a pushover.

I don't read your girlfriend's suggestion as taking advantage of your considerate ways. It's a case of her either being a bit silly or being quite honest with you.

PS: Her suggestion has nothing to do with your adequacy as a person or as a lover.

CarlsBurg

Soterriblyconfused wrote: »

I don't even know what else to say...

RUN!
You are only with her 3 months!!!!!!!! She should be in the phase of wanting to sleep with you as much as possible... not suggesting threesomes with some other guy!

Mate, for what its worth. Sounds to me like you are being used. Run a mile. You cant have a relationship with someone who wants to sleep with other men...

johnr1

Deleted User wrote: »

OP - honestly, I think you're overreacting somewhat. A lot of people have threesome fantasies, whether it be two girls or two guys in a straight relationship. There's nothing wrong with them. You say it emasculates you - I genuinely cannot see how it would. She's not saying, "you're not man enough". She's saying, "I want to experiment". That's all. If you were more confident in your own love making, then you wouldn't feel it were an issue.

I have lots of respect for you as a poster, but this^^ is ill-though out.

Yes, many people have threesome fantasies, but just as many, probably more in fact don't.
For those guys who don't, there is nothing I'd imagine more scary than the idea that their OH wants to shag someone else especially at the same time as them. If she said she'd like to be able to try out other guys, - being young, that would be one thing, but along with him? Of course that's going to make him feel inadequate to satisfy her needs. Because if she is serious, then that is exactly how it is.
Can you genuinely not understand this?

We can all be as PC as we like on the Internet, but truthfully, what percentage of us would be ok with this in RL in a long term committed relationship?
Anonymous posts on this topic on boards before seem to indicate ; Not a high percent at all. Fine maybe for a bit of fun, if both are into it, but in reality, most of us feel a little like the OP whether we care to admit it or not.

Ickle Magoo

Can we stick to advice for the OP rather than pushing assumptions about other posters - which only serves to annoy.

Many thanks.

johnr1

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Can we stick to advice for the OP rather than pushing assumptions about other posters - which only serves to annoy.

Many thanks.

I presented a reasoned, reasonable, respectful difference of opinion to boneyarsebogman's advice, providing reference to this site. I didn't write "OP, ignore this advice" out of regard for the poster I disagree with. The OP can read and dismiss or take my opinion.

If my post was offensive or blatantly breaks the charter, - then card me for it or ban me or whatever, as you'll no doubt do for this post, and we'l take it up elsewhere, but otherwise, this post of yours was unnecessary sniping.

Ickle Magoo

johnr1 infracted.

As per site rules if you have an issue with any moderator action then you take it up via PM.

Back on-topic please with constructive advice for the OP

The Corinthian

CarlsBurg wrote: »

Mate, for what its worth. Sounds to me like you are being used.

Used? How?

You cant have a relationship with someone who wants to sleep with other men...

If we cannot have a relationship with someone who wants, likes or even thinks about sleeping with others, I suspect 99% of us would be single.

Angeles

Soterriblyconfused wrote: »

First off, I'm 26 years old. I met my girl about three months ago.
We don't live together (thank God),
She's young also (23 years old, just gone),

Well first off, i don't quite get your *thank god i don't live with her* statement, to me that sounds like you never intended to?
The relationship is 3 or so months give or take, the woman is 23 years old and is by the sounds of it, curious about sexual experience.

Now while you are in your right to take her curiosity very seriously,
I have to ask you the question, would you have preferred she told you this 2 years down the line, while living together? Because the way i see it she's opened up something about herself to you she may want/need to explore and shared that with [you]

So what do you think about this?
Well ask yourself if this a deal breaker for you, by the sounds of it, it is.
Ask yourself then what is it you want? Because OP at 23 a lot of people are still curious and in it for the fun and at 26 a lot are starting to consider settling down especially for guys. So are you looking for this girl to settle down with you? to which she has presented an option that goes against that?

Its very easy to over-analise a situation aswell and the only way to deal with it is to talk to her about it, sit down have a think and a chat, find out what you yourself want, because it sounds like you want a partner who's ready to settle down, and i'm not so sure this girl is ready to provide that without some more life experience yet.

Humria

Here is my view point on it.

I imagine if she had any idea that you'd react this way that she'd never have said it. As other posters have said, we all have our fantasies. Most of us realise though that they should probably remain fantasies. If you told your girlfriend some of the things you think about she might doubt you too.

As a woman I can tell you that it's not because you aren't "man" enough. That would be like saying that all men who want threesomes do so because their girlfriends don't satisfy them.

I'll let you in on something - in a world full of readily available porn and sexualised images everywhere, there are a lot of young women (as there are men as well) who don't know how to relate this world of "fake" sex to reality.
It's easy to think that men want the women in their lives to be like the women on the screens: that they want the kinky stuff they watch in porn. When some women see the porn that men watch they assume that they watch it because this is their sexual "ideal". It can understandably make women feel uncomfortable that they are nothing like the women in these videos.
Even if you have the awareness to know that porn isn't reality it can sometimes be confusing.

I'd hazard a guess that part of the reason that your girlfriend said this to you is that she thought you'd like to hear it. I'd be honest with her and say that you are completely uncomfortable with this idea and that you'd like it just to be the two of you. At best it could open communication between the two of you and clear up the matter. Otherwise it might be that you have different sexual preferences.

CarlsBurg

The Corinthian wrote: »

If we cannot have a relationship with someone who wants, likes or even thinks about sleeping with others, I suspect 99% of us would be single.

Who mentioned 'liking' or 'thinking' about someone else? She 'wants' to open the bedroom up. Wants to have sex with another man. How can anyone have a monogamous relationship if one party has a keen desire to sleep with others?

The Corinthian wrote: »

Used? How?

As for being used?
Well, i am just applying human psychology on this one.
Him and her are in a relationship. Its early days. Still only getting to know each other as its only 3 months in. But she wants to have a 3some? .. Is that the psychological behaviour of a person who currently wants to be with one man?
Heck man, i've seen so many girls that had boyfriends who, deep down, didnt really want a relationship. What eventually won? Their feelings to sleep with other men. So long to the BF.

So whats going to happen with the op? ... (1) they break up as they both want different things? (thats cool) (2) the op says he doesnt want that and she "accepts" it? then down the line her desire takes over and she cheats on him? or (3) she forgets about wanting it and they live happily ever after?


My money is on (2) ... i've seen it happen so many times. Can quote so many examples.

aidan24326

dougieruggie wrote: »

To be honest I'd run a mile. Any girl I've ever known who wanted a devil's threesome or who had one inevitably was an absolute slapper.

Really? By your twisted logic every Irish person is a drunk, every gay man a camp poofter, every Nigerian a scam artist etc etc

Stupid generalisations are just that, stupid. Her sexual preference for a threesome is a personal choice and doesn't make her a 'slapper'. That the OP has a problem with it is his problem. And to be fair I can understand how he'd be a bit uncomfortable with the idea.

The Corinthian

CarlsBurg wrote: »

Who mentioned 'liking' or 'thinking' about someone else? She 'wants' to open the bedroom up. Wants to have sex with another man. How can anyone have a monogamous relationship if one party has a keen desire to sleep with others?

Liking or thinking (in the sense of fantasizing) are both also expressions of desire. Wanting is not all that different in that it does not imply doing any more than the others.

Of course, the OP never used any of these words. He claimed that "she had very strong desires to make this fantasy a reality", which sounds more like his interpretation of what she said than what she actually said (who actually says "I have a very strong desire to make this fantasy a reality"?).

That's the thing about this thread, it's all based upon his interpretation which given his "don't live together (thank God)" comment sounds suspiciously like he's already made up his mind and his interpretation may be designed to illicit validation for this.

In reality this desire of hers may not so so critical that she wants it played out. He really should discuss it with her further, but unfortunately I think he's avoiding doing so.

As for being used?
Well, i am just applying human psychology on this one.
Him and her are in a relationship. Its early days. Still only getting to know each other as its only 3 months in. But she wants to have a 3some? .. Is that the psychological behaviour of a person who currently wants to be with one man?
Heck man, i've seen so many girls that had boyfriends who, deep down, didnt really want a relationship. What eventually won? Their feelings to sleep with other men. So long to the BF.

So whats going to happen with the op? ... (1) they break up as they both want different things? (thats cool) (2) the op says he doesnt want that and she "accepts" it? then down the line her desire takes over and she cheats on him? or (3) she forgets about wanting it and they live happily ever after?


My money is on (2) ... i've seen it happen so many times. Can quote so many examples.

All very good, but not what I asked. How is she using him?

Taltos

Folk - there have been numerous warnings on this thread about stopping pulling it off topic into discussion and focussing instead on providing the advice the OP has asked for.

At this point either we start issuing infractions/bans or we close the thread.

Please lets get back on topic. Remember - another posters opinion is just that - their opinion of the issue at hand. It is no less valid than your own and pulling the thread off topic disputing anothers viewpoint is only doing a disservice to the OP.

Taltos

LegacyUser

Hey.

We went out last night and spent the night together.
It didn't come up.
For what reason, I'm not sure, but in my gut I know it's just a matter of time.

Just to clear one aspect that people seem to be questioning; it was most definitely not a passing fancy that she happened to mention it.
Body language and means of expression says it all.
It's most definitely something which she has more than a slight inclination towards doing.

Personally though, I do believe this a means to end, in terms of more thorough sexual fulfillment.
I do believe that's what she's chasing; or her body is wanting.
She's young, she draws a lot of stares, and I'm left to suppose that a longing in that regard is natural in its own way.

Truth be told, there's no denying that I do feel a twinge of jealousy, even resentment.
I mean, if I could tell her to go kick rocks whilst I were to go out and pick up another stunner of a girlfriend, then I may feel somewhat inclined to do exactly that, just to make a point - i.e. vindicate my bruised ego somewhat.

Unfortunately, I'm not the type of guy that can just do that; in terms of it being just that easy for me (she however, could probably have another guy just by giving him the right look).

Ultimately that translates as: I'm not willing to just pack in the relationship on an issue that I haven't even made a reasonable effort to resolve yet, so to answer that question, this is not a total "deal breaker"; not at this stage anyway.


In my heart of hearts, despite my being friendly and approachable and unpretentious, I know what's being demanded of me here is that I need to become more... what?
Manly?
Masculine?
Alpha? (A term I have even sometimes used to ridicule some guys at my gym)

I may be approachable and so on, but what's that worth if it borders on benign?
Were like best friends, but the fire that I thought was there, is obviously not (not on her part anyway).

Even writing this now, I genuinely feel that this whole "threesome" desire on her part is something that could and should be easily mitigated if I were presenting a more fulfilling version of myself in terms of sexuality.

P. Breathnach

Soterriblyconfused wrote: »

...
Even writing this now, I genuinely feel that this whole "threesome" desire on her part is something that could and should be easily mitigated if I were presenting a more fulfilling version of myself in terms of sexuality.

I suspect not. Don't even entertain the idea that you are only half a man. That's not what this is about.

You and she really need to have a proper conversation about it.

ihsb

Soterriblyconfused wrote: »

In my heart of hearts, despite my being friendly and approachable and unpretentious, I know what's being demanded of me here is that I need to become more... what?
Manly?
Masculine?
Alpha? (A term I have even sometimes used to ridicule some guys at my gym)

I may be approachable and so on, but what's that worth if it borders on benign?
Were like best friends, but the fire that I thought was there, is obviously not (not on her part anyway).

Even writing this now, I genuinely feel that this whole "threesome" desire on her part is something that could and should be easily mitigated if I were presenting a more fulfilling version of myself in terms of sexuality.

OP. Don't change yourself for her. This has nothing to do with you. it is something that she wants to experience and it has nothing to do with how manly you are. She would not be with you if she thought of you as a boy. That much is guaranteed.

There may well be fire on her part. Maybe the fire is what made her think of her fantasies. I honestly think that unless you can suddenly grow into two separate men then nothing you can do will stop her thinking this way. Maybe if it were possible she would be more then happy with two of you? But again that is not possible so it would have to be with someone else.

Talk to her about it. There is nothing else to do.

LegacyUser

P. Breathnach wrote: »

I suspect not. Don't even entertain the idea that you are only half a man. That's not what this is about.

You and she really need to have a proper conversation about it.

Well, that's a nice thought.

I don't necessarily think this makes me less of a person, but it's something that's obviously impeding me somewhat.
That is to say, I think I'd do better if I were to be more fulfilled in this area.
That seems more than logical to me.
It's a fact.

As for having a conversation?

I dunno...
There's some things you can talk about, and there are some things best left unsaid, cause deep down, I think we know what they are anyway.

She could never be totally clinically honest about this, and I respect that fact.

I hope I can maintain this relationship with her, but over these last few days - in fact these last few hours - I've really become decided on what I'm going to set about doing.

I understand sexuality is a very powerful force in our attitude and personality as humans, and I've never been imposing with it.
But I know now that simply has to change.
Knowing what I know now, I can't go through the rest of my life taking a backseat role just so I can be perceived as a nice guy.

Striking the balance may be another challenge, as in playing it down when necessary, but I hope that's something I can learn as I go along.

I'm feeling better about this anyway.
My brain has been in over drive this last while, but I think I understand better the situation and what I'm gotta do.
It feels good that I know at least that I'm in control.

Well, I'm in control of what I can do.
What she can or will or won't do, well, we'll see what happens.


But... I'm slightly less confused, anyways.
That has to be a good thing

bouncebouncey

Soterriblyconfused wrote: »

Hey.

We went out last night and spent the night together.
It didn't come up.
For what reason, I'm not sure, but in my gut I know it's just a matter of time.

Why didn't you have a conversation with her about it? It's an issue and it needs to be discussed and cards need to be laid on the table. You both need to set out where you stand on this.

To be honest I didn't bother reading the rest of your post I just skimmed your theories as to where things stand and what you think will or won't happen. It's all pie in the sky pop psychology IMO.

All this can be eliminated by being an adult and having an adult conversation about it then moving on from there. You won't need to guess or project or any of the rest of it then. Try talking to her about it rather than posting theories and interpretations of 'body language and means of expression'. Honestly thats nonsense. If you want to know just ask her. It's that simple

Best of luck

LegacyUser

bouncebouncey wrote: »

To be honest I didn't bother reading the rest of your post I just skimmed your theories as to where things stand and what you think will or won't happen. It's all pie in the sky pop psychology IMO.

lol - I love the tact of the Irish.

Just kidding.

Really though, I understand your skepticism at my approach, but I have faith in it, for better or for worse.

As regards the issue at hand, I feel pretty cool with it now.
I mean, maybe some posters were right, in that perhaps I can't control her desires, but her very expression of them to me has highlighted a longstanding lacking on my part.

My aim now is to build on work on that area for myself, and what she wants to do after that is her choice entirely.
I suspect however that her feelings toward me will take a more positive turn, from my point of view at least.

As I said, I'm pretty decided on my course of action now in a sense.

If the mods leave this thread open I'd be happy to discuss more in depth my thoughts as regards the conclusion I've reached.
Otherwise, I guess I'll just get on with things, and again, if the thread is left open, I'd be happy to report back in over the next few weeks if I happen across any dramatic turn of events.

Taltos

OP

as you have decided on a firm course of action I am closing this thread. If you need it reopened please contact any of the mods and we will do the necessary.

best of luck
Taltos