Feel so hurt - but is it just?

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm really upset, and would love some un-biased opinions on whether you think I'm over-reacting or not.

I'm late 20's married, and pregnant on our 3rd. My husband is loving, patient, and great with the children/housework.

I'm a very slim small framed woman, average height, and therefore am pretty flat chested - around A cup. He knows I've a bit of a complex about this, as I know he's a boobs kind of guy.

Yesterday I was changing his avatar for his work, and when I went to get his picture from his "my pictures" folder. I came across a pic entitled "*Name of gir*_boobs". When I opened it, it was a picture of a girl he was pretty much in love with before he met me. She was wearing a very low cut top with her big boobs pretty much hanging out.
With my whole breast complex, and the fact that this wasn't just some celeb or pornstar, but a girl he had real feelings for, I was very very upset, shocked and betrayed.

The last modified date was last year. We've been together 5 years. When confronted he admitted he came across it on her Facebook a few years ago (after we got together) and was just surprised to see her so revealing and it brought a little memory back (nothing ever happened between them). He says he doesn't know why he downloaded it, but that he doesn't have any feelings for her. He also says he never used it for personal satisfaction which I guess I believe seeing as it's his work laptop and he has only just gotten it recently, and not had it on other than yesterday.

He said that fact she's busty has no reflection on me, and he's very upset about the whole thing. Well upset he's caught more like I think.

At first I was going ape saying it was over, but I guess I can't throw everything away for the sake of a photo.

Do you think though this is a reason to doubt his true feelings for me? Would he be capable of cheating based on this?

Thanks for reading.

Neyite

Hey, I'm in the same boat as you, pretty flat, and currently preggers. My partner has always had a thing for voluptous latino women - Salma Hayek, Penelope Cruz, etc, yet I am their physical opposite - pale & fair haired Irish freckeled variety. I have no doubts in our relationship.

Now, if there was a photo of his ex, I would be less than impressed - but throw it all away on a picture? Dont do that. If you are sure he is not cheating, or would not, and he is genuinely upset that he hurt you, then work towards forgiveness.

I'd let him grovel a bit though

curlzy

If it hadn't been saved under the "girl'sname_boobs" then I wouldn't be quite so upset. But he did save it that way, so that's what it's about to him. Ask him how he would feel if he found a photo on your laptop, called Daves_c*ck and a picture of a guy you used to be mad about showing off his huge langer which is much bigger than you fella's. See what his answer is to that, how would he feel?

Seriously OP, I really do see this as a betrayal, she's a real person that he had real feelings for. My fella looks at porn but would never look at "real"* girls, an example of this was when a extremely sexy friend of mine stripped off to naked at the beach, my fella wouldn't even look at her, when I said it to him later he said that looking at pornstars is ok but looking at "real"* women isn't and he'd feel bad if he did as it would feel like cheating to him and he wouldn't like if I ogled a guy we know.

So yeah serious crawling would be needed for me to get over this and he'd be sleeping in the other room for a long long time. The fact you're pregnant makes it worse too, this is not a time you need to be doubting his loyalty. Not a dealbreaker, but I can see how you would be terribly upset and it really would take alot of crawling to get back in the good books if it were me.

* Disclaimer: I don't mean that porn stars aren't real people, by "real" I mean people you would/could know in real life*

stargazer 68

curlzy wrote: »

Seriously OP, I really do see this as a betrayal, she's a real person that he had real feelings for.

Have to agree with this. This is not your average porn or mag picture. This is a real person that he knows - not knew - he knows as he 'came across' her on Facebook!

P. Breathnach

bron1982 wrote: »

... I guess I can't throw everything away for the sake of a photo.

I should hope not! The fact that such an idea even enters your mind alarms me.

Do you think though this is a reason to doubt his true feelings for me?

No. I have a man's mind (accident of genetics, I think) and I can tell you that storing a picture like that falls into the range of "the sort of things men do". If you saw the pictures that some men had in their heads rather than in their computers, you might be horrified.

Would he be capable of cheating based on this?

I don't want to sound unsympathetic, but you are entering "come off it" territory. No, such a little bit of silliness is not strong evidence of a proclivity to cheat.

Let it go, and don't worry about it. Don't even talk to him about it any more. I can tell you that asking him to explain or justify such a silly thing as he did is unlikely to make either of you feel better.

mike0c

As others have stated OP, you have every right to be hurt by this. It's disrespectful and obviously unfair to you. It is just a photo at the end of the day, I wouldn't be considering throwing the relationship away or anything. We all have our little fantasies, him storing it on his computer is what was wrong. Let him know that it is completely unacceptable to have pictures of other women stored on his computer.

I hope ye get over this soon and you can move on with you life. All the best

LegacyUser

Hi guys, thanks for your responses.

I have been struggling emotionally since yesterday. I'm either angry/sad or feeling that maybe I'm making too much of a big deal. I feel like I don't know him like I thought I did.
My husband is very upset, but of course only now he was found out, he didn't seem too upset before this!

Just to clarify, him and the girl were never an item, but he had a huge crush on her.

I agree that answering "I don't know" as to why he did it is a cop out, and the response fuels my anger, but I'm going to have to try and get over it.

I had already said in my rage what if it were the other way around, and he said he wouldn't be happy, but he'd forgive me. I just don't know.

We're married and will have 3 kids. I just feel so inadequate, and feel I'm not good enough.

I'll try and get over it.

Thanks again.

Daisy M

I have to say I dont know if I could consider this to be as big a deal as other posters think. Sure if my husband had done the same thing I would be hurt and really upset, but looking at it from the outside I dont think it really means anything. He knew this girl but hadnt actually had a relationship with her, it probably was a crush.
You say you feel like you dont know him, but lets be realistic here he hasnt done anything that wrong, looking at a picture of a girls boobs that from what you say are only partially uncovered is not that big of a deal. I know he went out of his way to download and save the pic but thats it thats all he did. It sounds as if he is an ordinary run of the mill guy who doesnt buy porn mags/videos, who saw an image he liked and saved it without considering how you would feel about this.
You say he is a great husband and dad and I presume up unto this you were happy it would be silly to let this spoil your relationship.

paperclip2

I do think you have a right to be ticked off with him. What he did was insensitive and thoughtless and yes he should have thought how hurtful it would have been for you to see it.

But the name he saved the pics under, i.e. XXX_boobs makes me think it was more about the breasts than about the girl if you know what I mean.

He's married to you, you have 2 children and another on the way so obviously he fancies you

Unless you have other info I wouldn't take this as a sign that he's cheating or looking to cheat. But I would definitely tell him how horrible this made you feel and bin the pic.

LegacyUser

Op here again,
It is true, I already have issues with my confidence. I'm not sure why, I'm not that awful a human being to look at. I wouldn't go on and on about it, but he knows I'm not happy with my breasts especially after breastfeeding 2 kids.
Now I'm pregnant again, I was so pleased seeing them grow, and was happy to let him touch them again ( I sometimes got a bit self conscious before). Now I feel a bit silly as they are still only a C cup.
There is absolutely no evidence he's cheating, as we work in same company and travel up and back together. He's a bit of a nerd and hasn't got too many friends, so is never out without me ( not that I try stop him the rare time he does go out!)
I've just pointed out that the only acceptable thing to me is fleeting glances e.g. women walking by or on tv etc quick double take and nothing more leering, and whatever else he sees or thinks better be kept in his head without any permanent copies, as it's just a part of him I don't need to know more about!
I still feel very sad about the whole thing. I just keep looking at her facebook pics and I'm so jealous that she has such an affect on him, and I seemingly don't!
I need to work on my own issues too, thanks again everyone...

P. Breathnach

bron1982 wrote: »

... I feel like I don't know him like I thought I did.

Don't make too much of that. Men's minds (and hormones) work a bit differently from those of women. This stuff is in that zone of difference. I imagine that he is having a difficulty in understanding how upsetting you find this to be.

My husband is very upset, but of course only now he was found out, he didn't seem too upset before this!

Why would he have been upset before it became a problem between you? I am sure that he saw it as a harmless little amusement when he found and saved the picture. And I would be fairly confident that it was genuinely harmless until you found the picture and it bothered you.

... I agree that answering "I don't know" as to why he did it is a cop out

It might not be. It was the sort of silly behaviour of which very many men are capable, and which many would have great difficulty explaining. Would "because I am an idiot" be a better response?

and the response fuels my anger

Anger? I thought your real issue was feeling hurt. If your sense of hurt emerges as anger, it becomes more difficult for both of you to get back on track.

but I'm going to have to try and get over it.

Yesyesyes. And yes.

I had already said in my rage what if it were the other way around, and he said he wouldn't be happy, but he'd forgive me....

Been there, after a fashion. Herself reacted a little too positively to an athlete on television; it took me about half an hour to get over it. Men and women are different.

We're married and will have 3 kids. I just feel so inadequate, and feel I'm not good enough.

Five years together; a husband you describe as "loving, patient, and great with the children/housework". Looks to me as if you are good enough, although I recognise that feelings of inadequacy are very different to overcome.

I'll try and get over it.

I just wish, for your sake, that it didn't seem so difficult. It's a childish peccadillo, not a major betrayal.

LegacyUser

Hi op - again.

thanks P. Breathnach I appreciate a male perspective or at least someone with more understanding of the situation from my husbands side.

Yes I felt angry, I felt sad too, (still do) and then I feel I love him too much and it's not like he cheated on me.

Yes the main issue is that it's a woman he had a huge thing for - a real one. There was one or two pics of randomers, but although admittedly I'd have been a little jealous because again it was big boob pics, I'd accept that as just a little bit of something to look at, and no reflection on me, and I accept in those cases the jealousy would be more my issue and kept under wraps while I took a few hours to forget it.

Yes, as said he is very affectionate, loving, treats me like a queen - I'm almost spoilt ( not materialistically, but he give me lie ins, rubs me whenever I want, runs to get a drink when I'm thirsty, happy to mind kids if I want a break, says I love you lots - list goes on and on! )

So overall he is pretty perfect - writing the above helps put it in perspective I guess.

I really appreciate the feedback everyone, firstly knowing I'm not a nut for feeling betrayed and secondly getting some sense talked into me before I do something silly like kicking me out, thanks!

P. Breathnach

sunflower27 wrote: »

A partner saying 'phwoooaaaar' about an unattainable athlete/model on TV and a partner downloading a photo of someone he actually knows to look at when the mood takes him are two vastly different things, in my opinion.

I don't really see the relevance in comparing the two. I think if you were to have discovered your partner doing what the OP's husband did, you would be peeved for a little more than half an hour. At least I imagine you would?

I seriously wonder how childish you would find this if it happened to you. I suppose it is hard for anyone to know until they are actually faced with it and then have to deal with the emotions that it brings up.

We're not here to discuss my relationship, but I would be quite amused if I found Herself saving a picture of some woman with large boobs that she knows.

OP is telling us of a woman with whom her husband never had a relationship; it doesn't seem to me like a great threat.

dixiefly

I dont think it is as big a deal as many of the other situations outlined here on Boards. It is slightly more of an issue to be concerned with than viewing porn but only slightly. We are not talking about a situation in which the husband was emailing and exchanging pictures with the other woman. He saved the picture and it brought out some insecurities in the OP. We all have insecurities and unfortunately the pictre highlighted an issue the OP is sensitive about. Overall, the husband has demonstrated his committment to the OP over the years in all the important aspects of life and should be given the benefit of any doubt that may be there.

Daisy M

bron1982 wrote: »

Op here again,
It is true, I already have issues with my confidence. I'm not sure why, I'm not that awful a human being to look at. I wouldn't go on and on about it, but he knows I'm not happy with my breasts especially after breastfeeding 2 kids.
Now I'm pregnant again, I was so pleased seeing them grow, and was happy to let him touch them again ( I sometimes got a bit self conscious before). Now I feel a bit silly as they are still only a C cup.
There is absolutely no evidence he's cheating, as we work in same company and travel up and back together. He's a bit of a nerd and hasn't got too many friends, so is never out without me ( not that I try stop him the rare time he does go out!)
I've just pointed out that the only acceptable thing to me is fleeting glances e.g. women walking by or on tv etc quick double take and nothing more leering, and whatever else he sees or thinks better be kept in his head without any permanent copies, as it's just a part of him I don't need to know more about!
I still feel very sad about the whole thing. I just keep looking at her facebook pics and I'm so jealous that she has such an affect on him, and I seemingly don't!
I need to work on my own issues too, thanks again everyone...

This is probably the crux of the problem, hes a boob man and your not happy with your boobs. He married you he loves you, if he wants to touch your boobs then take his word for it that he wants to touch them, he is probably more of a boob man because they are usually off limits.

I have my own issues with my body, my husband says he loves me what ever size I am, he is with me 22 years during which time I have gone up and down but I have eventually learned that he accepts me and finds me attractive whatever size I am, I am the one with the issue not him so I have learned not to be self consious when it comes to "bedroom matters".:)

Good luck op, try and put this behind you and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and have a lovely mothers day!

P. Breathnach

sunflower27 wrote: »

You mentioned your relationship by saying how you reacted to what your partner had done...

Let it be understood that you and I see the world differently. I'm not interested in having an argument with you.

Taltos

Guys - take your discussion to PM.
Stop pulling this thread off topic or we will start issuing warnings.

If you are unsure at any time please review our Charter it does get updated regularly, but please remember we are here to provide civil and constructive advice to the OP. PI/RI is not a discussion forum.

Also sweeping generalisations are definitely not welcome.

Thanks
Taltos

I am a friend

bron1982 wrote: »

I just feel so inadequate, and feel I'm not good enough.

Its really not you... I was pregnant recently and know that the change of body can get in on you but he fancies you as you are - otherwise you would not be pregnant

He does need to cop on though

P. Breathnach

bron1982 wrote: »

...
Now I'm pregnant again, I was so pleased seeing them grow, and was happy to let him touch them again ( I sometimes got a bit self conscious before). Now I feel a bit silly as they are still only a C cup.
...

This has been bothering me.

Subject to the general condition that there is a time and place for everything, I think it regrettable if a woman feels unhappy about her husband or partner touching her breasts. I think that is something that you and he should try to work through - but possibly not immediately, before you have managed to overcome your recent upset.

Something else to consider: A man might allow his imagination to have a thing about a type of woman who is nothing like the real woman in his life. That does not mean that if such a woman was actually available to him, he would act out his fantasy. It can be a mindgame, just like a man can fantasize about scoring the winning goal in a football game even though he doesn't play football. [To round out the simile, he might not play football because he prefers to spend time with his wife and children.] Big breasted women might be part of his fantasy world, but he might prefer neat and tidy in the real world.

LegacyUser

Well it's not like I never let him touch them, or would flinch or anything too offputting. I guess in truth I like intimacy too much Might explain all the kids!! This has knocked me back a bit, and I hope I'll be ok with him touching them again the next time we're intimate.
Once things get going I tend to loose my inhibtions etc anyway, it's more when we're not doing stuff I think like this.
That said he well knows my confidence issues and I know that kind of thing can be a big turn-off.
It's so strange, I've always been naturally slim since I was born, I eat whatever I want and don't gain an ounce. Some other women envy that - all I think yeah well at least you've got a nice pair- even if other parts of her are too overweight, I focus just on the breasts! It seems the grass is always greener....
I kind of feel like trying to squeeze into whatever sexy outfit still fits at this point tonight, just for me to feel afterwards he definitely thinks I'm the better one

blatantrereg

I disagree with the generalisation too. Some people of both sexes do stuff like that. It's nothing to do with the way males are wired in general.

In my opinion it does suggest he might be unfaithful in certain ways - like breaking faith in how he commuinicates with women online. I dont think it indicates he'd break faith "in real life".

The thing about reality and fantasy is a valid point in general. However facebook pictures of someone you know are in the "real" category, not the fantasy one. It was very creepy and inappropriate of him to do that.

The reality/fantasy division comes into play when you want to do things that you dont consider acceptable in real life. Someone might like to play Grand Theft Auto, but feel no desire to rob vehicles for example. It can apply to choice of partners too: A guy might fantasise about a celebrity he finds actively annoying, while finding the idea of being with her in real life horrifying. Or maybe a woman might have similar imaginings about some "bad boy" type famous person. The thing is that fantasies are largely abstracted from emotional and social factors. What might be attractive without them, might be abhorrent in the context of reality.

People you know whom you "had" a crush on are very much in the context of real life. There are emotional factors there. There's also social factors there, though your partner has chosen to ignore social boundaries in his behaviour. This is someone he genuinely wanted to be with, and someone he has some sort of social connection with. That's not harmless fantasy, that's inappropriate and dodgy.

On a side note, I wouldn't dismiss all interest in celebrities as harmless fantasy. They are real people. I've known them to appear in real life and flirt with, or in one case actively pursue, previous gfs while I was with them. One girl was overly pleased about a couple of instances of that, and that just made me feel great contempt for her.

P. Breathnach

bron1982 wrote: »

...
I kind of feel like trying to squeeze into whatever sexy outfit still fits at this point tonight, just for me to feel afterwards he definitely thinks I'm the better one

He married you, a real person rather than a creature of his imagination; you have many good things to say about him and, by implication, your relationship; it looks as if you, he, and the children have a good family life. It seems to me that he already thinks you are the better one.

So he did something silly, and it upset you. And he is upset that you have been upset. Take things gently: don't put too much pressure on yourself or him. If you make one evening into a test of your appeal to him, you might build a problem in your head.

I hope to see you posting again in a few days to report that you feel good about yourself and about your relationship.