Unsure of what I should do?

LegacyUser

My ex and I broke up about 2 months ago. Things were difficult at first and I really missed her, I tried to work things out but it wasn't to be. I then cut all contact with her and was surprised with how much better I dealt with it all. We went a few weeks without contact and then she text me a few nights ago. She seemed really down, I assumed she was on a night out so i didn't respond. Then I had a missed call and a message apologising the next day. I'd be lying if I said I didn't still care for her so I called her to make sure everything was ok. She went on to say she was really upset and that she shouldn't have contacted me. I was worried about her so i went to see her. She was really lost, upset, she even said she wished that she had been pregnant by me so we wouldn't have broken up. There was still a lot of chemistry between us. We had a great day together and just had a lot of fun.

I left and then the next day she phoned wondering would it be possible for us to work things out. We spoke and I told her I still loved her and that we could work it out. She was so excited. The next few days she text quite a lot, telling me how she couldn't wait for everything to be back the way it was and that she was so happy. Then today she hits me with a bombshell, saying she isn't sure again. That she needs her space to think about it. I tried to talk some sense into her. I told her to remember how sad and upset she was when we weren't together but she just said she isn't sure and needs her space to think about it.

I don't know what to say to her now. I am at a loss on what the best thing to do next, to try win her back but without looking like an idiot, at the moment I have done all I can, but at the same time feel pretty helpless. I don't want to back her in to a corner either. Can we get past this and sort things out, can a woman really be unsure after all this time, and over think it to be something that its really not? Is there anything I can say or do to make her see? She's very lost at the moment but I can't keep doing this, if she decides now is not the time then I can't be there for her again. What do I do?

Miss Fluff

It seems like she doesn't know what she wants so I'd be very wary of a reunion if I were you. When couples split it is usually for a specific reason. Unless the issues that preciptated a breakup in the first place have been resolved then what really has changed? You obviously miss one another and that is only natural but why did you split up in the first place?

She sounds like a very confused girl and I'd be keeping my distance until she decides what she really wants and use that time for you to decide what YOU really want. You may need to enforce a bit of distance to really decide that. It's all too easy to don the rose-tinted glasses when feeling lonely and blue but there is no point in getting back into a relationship that is doomed to failure either.

mike0c

I'd agree with Miss Fluff on this one. She seems very confused. It's a tough decision for both of you. I'd advise no contact and give her space. You contacting her will only confuse her more. It's not up to you to be there for her. If she's unsure if she wants you in her life then she can't turn around and expect you to be there when other pastures don't turn out to be so green after all.

She can't have it both ways. I'm not sure if you have let her know this but your either her partner or your not. Don't accept anything else.

LegacyUser

Yes, she is telling me she is confused. We broke up about little things, little things that she wanted that I wasn't aware of. They were obviously important to her but I missed them. Little things like me not having her on my facebook profile or not being affectionate enough in public. They sound small I suppose but they were important to her. She felt like I was embaressed of her. I honestly wasn't, she's a beautiful looking girl,I guess looking back now thou it may have seemed that way to her. I promised her that they would change but she is afraid it'll be the same thing again. I know myself that they will change as I have no issue with any of them. I know we are good for each other, we're like best friends but we are still very much attracted to each other also. Something we both admitted to a few days ago.

My issue is do I call her and assure her that everything will be ok or do I stay strong and let her know that if she wants me then she will have to come get me, that I won't play these games.? Also it';s her birthday in a few days, do i contact her wishing her a Happy Birthday etc I know these sound like silly questions but I have a feeling my next move is critical and if I make the wrong one it could be trouble. Thank you

Beruthiel

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.

Honestly OP, from where I'm standing, she's messing with your head big time.

OK, she is confused, does that give her the right to treat you like this?
I couldn't take that kind of crap.
You either know you don't want to be with me or you don't. This 'I can't decide' crap is weak.
If you do not know for sure that this person is for you, than clearly, they are not.
Yes, I know I'm being very black and white, but when it comes to this kind of think, I am.

Were I you, I'd move on with my life and leave her to it.
In fact, I believe I'd tell her that she's not to bother contacting you again until she is 100% sure. Maybe you'll be available at that time, maybe you won't. That's a risk she'll have to take and you intend to consider yourself single.
That should focus her attention.
Then, go out and enjoy yourself.

Herrick

veryconfused... wrote: »

Little things like me not having her on my facebook profile or not being affectionate enough in public

Ah here, it seems like she was more worried about how outsiders perceived your relationship than about how she felt in it.

If she really wanted to be with you, why didn't she just ask you to work on small things like being affectionate in public? But instead she chose to break up?

Unless there were more serious issues, she sounds like a very immature girl OP, who'll do nothing but wreck your head.

BunShopVoyeur

Short and sweet OP. Forget about her. Its completely unfair to do that to you. As soon as she knew that you'd take her back she went running again.

LegacyUser

She admits to being very conscious of what others think, I've told her it shouldn't matter but it does to her.

I appreciate all the advice. I didn't want to pressurise her but maybe if i contact her and tell her that she's not to contact me until she's 100% and until then I'm just going to get on with my life?

I do want to be with this woman. I love her and I know deep down she loves me, she's not usually like this so I hope once she gets her head sorted it will all pass.

P. Breathnach

veryconfused... wrote: »

She admits to being very conscious of what others think, I've told her it shouldn't matter but it does to her.

That's the way it is with feelings. If something matters to somebody you love, and not very much to you, then it does not hurt to indulge those feelings.

I appreciate all the advice. I didn't want to pressurise her but maybe if i contact her and tell her that she's not to contact me until she's 100% and until then I'm just going to get on with my life?

That seems to me like the best thing you can do. You would both need to recognise the possibility that you might not get together again, because one or both of you might come to the view that it is not right for you.

I do want to be with this woman. I love her and I know deep down she loves me, she's not usually like this so I hope once she gets her head sorted it will all pass.

Try to avoid half-measures, or picking things up again and hoping for the best. If you decide to try to make a go of things, try to talk out all the issues and proceed with a clear understanding of the other's needs, and how much can and will be done to meet them. Not a ten-minute "I'll try to be more considerate" conversation: a major talking-through of issues. And if all you do is address her concerns, you are doing only half the job.

leightheone

SHE'S MESSING WITH YOUR HEAD!!!!!!

LegacyUser

I know she is genuinely confused because she has told some people we were back together, I don't think she would have done that had she been trying to mess with my head. It still doesn't excuse the fact that she is right now.

I'm just confused myself now. Can some really not be sure what they want? We know if we get back together our lives will take a very different path because of circumstances, I'm moving country in the very near future because of a very good job, but if you love someone is that not always enough? I'd understand if she wasn't prepared to move also but she tells me that she's just not sure of how she feels about me.

It's being tough the last couple of weeks and I'm feeling down about it. I just want to know. I don't want to pressurise her but I need to know if she's going to be in my life or not.

leightheone

get the **** over it, you sound like a crazy person,,,,,,

Maple

leightheone wrote: »

get the **** over it, you sound like a crazy person,,,,,,

Infracted.

Keep the advice constructive going forward

Maple

kev_s88

ive been through the same thing, some aspects probably more serious, while some aspects are very similar. I also got the whole "wish id gotten pregnant" line. One thing you have to realise, is that anyone who has that train of thought is a must-avoid-at-all-costs kinda person.

I know how hard it is to do, but for your own sake you need to move on with your own life and just forget the past. Do what you did before, cut off all contact, ignore any attempted contact from her, and in time things will get better and revert to normal. Dont do what I did!!! I spent the guts of 7 months after I broke up with my ex trying to make things work as friends, and i got used and abused We were friends when she wanted to be, we were the biggest enemies when she wasnt happy with something in her life. Sent my whole life into a spiral. You will effictively become a Pin Cushion for her. Dont let her do this to you, get away while you can