Mother died feel like I want to contact bf

Amy74

My mother died this year. She told me 13 yrs ago my father wasn't my biological father against my fathers wishes. My stepfather has always been so good to me and I feel very guilty about wanting to contact my bf.i was 24 at the time and I met my bf but it caused huge problems in my own family between my parents so I ceased contact. I was 24 and rushed into it and my bf made a huge effort with me and I liked him but I didn't see how it could ever work as I knew my bf felt he was my father as did my step father. It was a mess. I had a son less than 2 yrs ago he is the image of my bf and it made me want to contact him again 13yrs later. I know he may not be interested and I can deal with that if it happens. Shortly after I had my son my mother only 58 became ill with cancer and died within 6 months. My stepfather is devastated as am I. I feel so torn I want to contact my bf but I know he won't be happy about it. And my stepfather has been through so much this year I don't want to add to it. However I think I am worried that my bf will die I heard he had a heart attack this year and I will never have gotten to know him properly or to reconcile things. Both of his sons have approached me this year pretending to be someone else I had never met them when I met my bf so they think I don't know who they are but I had seen pictures. I really don't know what the right thing to do is and would really appreciate any advice.

Victor

A few things come to mind.

Talk to your step father, explain what you have heard. Reassure him. Get his blessing to make contact.

Alternatively, you are your own person, an adult and don't need permission. Make contact.

Send your biological father a card with a photo of mother an baby and some summary details. Don't necessarily include a return address.

Is there some neutral party that you can make contact through?

Amy74

Thank you so much for your reply. I don't think my stepfather could handle this especially at the moment he is grieving and not himself at all. My bf is never mentioned it is as though it never happened. I have 3 sisters that strongly agree about this he would not understand. My bf never abandoned me my mother has an affair with him on my stepfather and my stepfather agreed to stay with her as long as they never told anyone I wasn't his. At the time my bf heard my mum was pregnant with me my bf broke down her door and was violent so they called the police and he was put in jail for a night.i know my bf felt wronged but he moved on.my mother had many reasons for doing this.I think to do this I need to keep it quiet and this puts me back in the same mess I was originally. I need to explain to my bf how my stepfather would feel if he knew and i don't know how my bf will react to that. But yes I can use an intermediary but I am wondering why you suggest this I am sure there is good reason. Thankyou again

mistereko

Im in a similar situation as your birthfather.I have a daughter that believes someone else is her father and i cant do anything only hope and wait that someday she will learn the truth.Even if she does learn the truth,she may have no interest in me.
The fact that your birthfather made a huge effort and that you liked him too must have been very hard on him when you stopped contact with him.Your stepfather and birth father have been through a lot in their lives over this mess.Your stepfather probably feels shame about the affair and lying to you.Your birthfather feels he has no right to interfere in this situation because he was never in your life and he will feel guilt over that.Your feelings and needs are what are important now and not your sisters or your stepfathers feelings.If your birthfather dies and you have not got to know him,it will haunt you forever.Im sure he would still love to meet you.
Dont waste any more time,this is your life to live.Your sisters and stepfather will get used to things.

sineadom

Hi Amy, it sounds like you want to contact your birth father and will regret it if you dont. So I would go with that gut instinct. However, if you're worried that your birth father may want you to be open with your stepfather, you need to explain to him from the beginning that your contact with him is conditional on the fact that your stepfather must not know about it. Then he can decide if he still wants to build a relationship with you. Just a word of warning though, secrets like that dont work out in the longterm, so while your stepfather may not be able to face this now, you should bear in mind that you will need to tell him someday. Your relationship with your birth father will be difficult to maintain as long as it is hidden. But I completely understand your reasons for wanting it to be that way at first. Very best of luck with everything.