Keep falling out with people

LegacyUser

Hi,
Sorry this is a bit of a rant and a bit long but here it is:

I keep falling out with people and find it hard to keep friends. I think I'm a nice and friendly guy and would do anything for friends but often find that this leads to people thinking I'm a push over and just take what they want.

I emigrated over 2 years ago with a big enough bunch of people I knew.

Shortly after we arrived I heard a rumour I had caused the breakup of one of the guys and his girlfriend as I had been seen chatting to her in a bar (meaning I was obviously getting with her!?!?). Truth is I spoke to her for 5 minutes at the bar when I saw her and only because I hadn't know they broke up a few days before. People only confronted me when drunk weeks later. I denied it but turns out everyone knew already and had taken it as fact so all the denials in the world didn't matter... "they knew...". So I'm not into drama, I just stopped talking with the guys who started the rumour. Since they are the type who like drama, I'd probably have kept them as friends if I went along and gave them the drama they wanted but thats not me.

Since I was the only one to buy a car to get to work, I became taxi driver for everyone. Again, I don'tmind doing it for friends but being woken at all hours of the day and night to come pick people up just finally got to me and I had to start saying no sometimes. So that of course led to more drama. I was a bad friend, etc... once the free lifts stopped so did any contact from them. I just felt they wanted me around to get free rides but then wanted nothing more if they wern't getting what they wanted. Just the occasional drunk text to tell me what a dick I was.

So gradually I was phased out of everything, no contact, no invites, no nothing. The group has its ring leaders and it all about drama. I'm the one who just didn't get involved. If someone starts drama with me I just walk away and don't give them what they want but it's lead to people believing the things said.

Next was my housemate. We had a falling out due to his new girlfriend. She treated him very badly and it was hard to see, she was still seeing other guys on the side and he was trying to win her over by falling all over her and trying to buy her love. I didn't get involved but it wasn't nice to see. She gradually moved herself into our apt and would be up until 3am having shouting matches with him, wouldn't acknowledge my existance in the house and the more she dislikeld me, the less and less he was talking to me. I eventually had to ask them to keep it down as I couldnt be up until all hours with work the next day and that it wasn't her apt. It obviously didn't go down well... he went behind my back to try break our lease and when he couldn't he just upped and left and I was left to pay out the rest of the lease on my own.

Shortly after my girlfriend broke up with me. To this day I was never given an explaination as she just sent me an email to say we are done and blocked all means of contact. But to be honest it was probably because with all that going on I wasn't exactly the center of the party anymore and it wasn't good enough. I don't know, but looking at things thats probably how it went.

I have to admit, all this left me feeling fairly low, I haven't really spoken with my family now either since Christmas. This one is probably due to my own stubbornness. I wasn't feling the best over Christmas and kept to myself a bit.They completely lost it with me. I tried explaining things werent going the best for me and just wanted some peace but because I wasn't being the life of the party they just werent having it. They left me with some nasty words in the airport. Have emailed me since looking to talk but insisting they have nothing to apologise for and if I do pick up the phone they just rant about "you did this, you said that..." and I come off the phone in tears. As much as I'd like contact with them, they just dont get it and make me feel so bad when we speak.

So here we are...it's Paddy's weekend. From what I can gather from facebook,most of the folks I know here are taking a trip away for the weekend. Of course I wasn't told or invited. Of the few people here, its not as if they'd even reply if I text or called them.
I met a new girl lately, and while she's lovely, I can't really tell her I have no friends and have fallen out with everyone. It doesn't come across well.

I've tried making other friends. But they only ever become acquaintances. I've joined groups and sports and so on but it's just all about the activity. Once it's over you won't see anyone again.

I really just wish I could meet up with a few people over the weekend, watch the matches, go to the pub, or whatever but its just not going to happen.

Sorry for the rant, not sure if there's any advice can be given,just needed to get it off my chest.

Tmeos

Hi op. all you have said sounds like you behaved quite reasonably however it is coincidental that all these people have treated you badly. I think you need to look at the common denominator in all this - you. Maybe you don't communicate your feelings as clearly as you have here. Do you have a tendency to bottle your feelings and lash out from frustration. Again I'm not putting the blame on you, you could just be unlucky to have attracted some very bad relationships lately. I'm just wondering if there is more to true than meets the eye

EGAR

There seems to be a bit of a theme there, OP. Everyone is falling out with you, including your girlfriend...?

Perhaps you ought to have a hard look at yourself and your actions as there are always two sides to a story like that?

Curry Addict

OP you sound like a well adjusted solid mature and independent minded person. maybe years ahead of your peers who sound like spinless fools. unfortunately you were just in a particularly spineless crowd, not all are like this just bad luck for you. take confidence in the fact these are all other peoples issues. you are doing all the right things to move on and it will pay off in time.

curlzy

Hey OP,

Going by your post you come across as really calm and collected and everyone you know from your girlfriend, to all your friends, to your family, are psychos, users and drama queens. Now either you have the misfortune of only know weirdos and *ssholes or there's something you're missing/not telling us. I'm sorry if it's exactly as you have said but I very much doubt it. Surely there's more to this. When you have had arguments, what is being said? What do they say you've done/said to upset them? Without that we really can't say anything other than try to move on and met new nicer and saner people.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hi,
Thanks for the feedback. Yes, I do agree that I seem to be the common denominator in all this which is so frustrating and the reason I posted.

However, I don't mean to sound like I'm being untruthful or not telling the full story. I just feel like things that have happened just weren't on but they just keep happening.

With my friends. It seems to be the group dynamic to be very gossipy. There's always a story about this person or that person, if one person starts something about another person. That person turns around and starts some other drama about the first person. It's constant drama. So when things were started with me I just walked away. I feel like if I fed into the drama instead of just walking away they'd probably still be my friends but I just don't work like that, but I don't see why thats so wrong? I don't want the drama.

With my roommate. In fairness, I put up with his girlfriend moving in unannounced, I put up with the 4am screaming matches, I put up with all his moods and tantrums, not paying bills or his share of things and put up with his girlfriend being disrespectful to me my my girlfriend but after a couple of months I had to say something. I felt I did it calmly, and didn't cause a big thing. Just asked that things calm down and asked why exactly there was a problem in the house but it was just taken completely badly.

As far as my ex goes. I've posted on it before so won't go into detail. I don't know what went wrong. There was a disagreement on something but nothing very big or important. Next thing an email tells me I'm dumped and we've not spoken or seen each other since. Only real thing I see was suggestions on her facebook that I was cheating but that isnt true in the slightest.

To be honest it's all of the above which have led to the fallout with my parents. But I can't seem to handle them. They want me on the phone to them all the time and stuff but if I do go on they want me to be there with all these great stories and telling them how great everything is over here in the States. To be honest, all this had me feeling a bit low over Christmas and they just don't get it. I need to be bubbly and on top of the world or they get annoyed with me. At the moment, if I talk to them, I put down the phone and am in tears which isn't right but they just keep having a go at me unless I'm talking like I'm on top of the world 24/7.

I don't know, the whole thing has me really bummed out. I'm stressed with no friends, stressed at a breakup I just didn't want. I'm stressed about my job relocating meaning I might lose it soon, stressed at financial things because of it, stressed I can't talk to my family about any of it, just stressed to my last. I feel really unhappy a lot but I don't know how to turn it around. This time last year things felt like they were going so well and right now I feel really alone and lacking a direction.

LegacyUser

You sound frustrated, stressed and overwhelmed. I am really sorry for that. But unfortunately, what is done is done and you have to learn from all of this and move on so you can be at peace with yourself.

You are in a different country and it can be scary. But at least you are in the States and you have language at your advantage. Go meet new and different people. There must be some people from work you get along with. Join a sports club and get out for goodness sakes. Clear your mind and get a new outlook on life. Maybe volunteer a few hours a week and meet more people.

You cannot change what has happened the only thing you can change is you. Stop hanging out with "drama queens" and don't let others treat you like a doormat. If there is one thing you need to learn from all of this is to be more assertive. Do not bottle things up until you can no longer handle it and then confront your issues. Confront them immediately. If there is something that you do not like, do something about it don't simply wait.

As far as your family, well you cannot change them they are the way they are I'm afraid. If you cannot share with them what's going on then write it down in a journal. They probably want you calling all the time because they are worried about you. If you cannot handle these conversations, tell them you are very busy and maybe call them once a week instead. If you sound remotely depressed or sad over the phone, no wonder they want you to call all the time. They want you to be happy and they are probably those people who think if you act happy you will be happy which is true to an extent. I was abroad before and it was scary. But if you do not give it a chance you are not going to get better. Take advantage of this opportunity because there may never be another one.

thefeatheredcat

Tbh OP, I think you might have had a stroke of good luck although right now it may not seem like it. Your friends don't sound like nice people. Maybe you never saw them in such an extreme light or tired of it but regardless, I think you'll be better off without them. Your housemate - look people are happy to take advantage and push the boundaries of what is tolerated....and will always turn it back on you. If you had behaved the same way to your housemate and done the same, even though they had behaved the way they did, most likely they would have been a tad angry about it towards you. And whatever about your ex-girlfriend, well, again I'd say lucky escape you got to find out who she was and you need to realise that how she broke up with you is a reflection of her, not you and speaks volumes about the person she was.

As for your parents.... all in not lost. Give it time and work on it. They probably expect to hear good things because they expect that you have fallen on your feet. Maybe they don't want to hear the opposite, maybe their circumstances here are not the best.... but I would say they most likely are also worried and stressed about you. But aside from worrying about you, there's probably more on their side you don't know about and perhaps they need to deal with it better.

Have you any agency or organisation nearby that you can talk to about it all? Even some of the Irish groups and organisations in the area? It might put you in touch with new people and they may be able just to help with the fall out you've experienced and the burden of expectation from your parents.

I think the best way forward is to rise above the obstacles you're facing, work through it with support from people who will be able to relate and understand it from your perspective. I wouldn't waste your time and energy dwelling on your friends, housemate and ex and what happened too extensively but to only find something to learn from it all and move on from it.

You've identified that you're unhappy and you know why, the next step is to do something about it. It takes a lot of strength to move to another country and even more to deal with isolation, particularly after what has just happened. Stress in a time of feeling alone is the worst...and remove the stress and it will look different. Don't let it break you, bend with it instead and let it make you grow stronger.