English Paper I Q.B Fairly Marked?

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Hey, i'm just wondering if some of you guys can take a look at this answer I gave in my Mock for a Part B (50 Marks). The question was to write a radio talk about the importance of education in your life and in today's world.

I'd just like to know where you guys think I lost marks and give a rough indication of the marks you think it should have received. I'll type it exactly as it was written on my script:

Good afternoon listeners and welcome back to 2FM,

My name is Daithi McSuibhne and I am here today to the discuss the importance of education in my life and in today's world. I am a Leaving Certificate student preparing for the final exams of my secondary school educational experience in June. Although Education can sometimes be extremely tough, (and I mean extremely), my Education is something which I would not trade for all the riches, fortunes and fame the world could offer me.

We are lucky enough in Ireland to have access to a free education. It is essential that we, as students, grasp on to any opportunity our schools, teachers and peers can offer us. This concept of 'free education' is something not practised in the vast majority of countries in our world, where in some countries, only the upper-class citizens have the appropriate funds to continue on in their educational careers. Some countries, in sharp contrast however, still only offer Males the opportunity to receive a minimal education, leaving all females to face the mundane, daily monotony of their cleaning, cooking and house-keeping duties that they will have to complete everyday with little, or no educational opportunities at all.

From an extremely young age, I was introduced to the fascinating world of literature and reading. This introduction to a world of imagination, excitement and adventures have coloured my appreciation of education, cultures, traditions and the entire world thoroughly. The opportunity to escape (what can sometimes be) a harsh and oppressive world and find myself in a world of beauty, creativity and new experiences has undoubtedly, in my personal opinion made my world a better and more enjoyable place to be a part of.

The world of education and literature has helped guide me through what have been extremely dark and difficult periods in my life. From my love of books and stories, I have seen protagonists and truly inspirational characters persevere through the most tedious of their days and continue to fight to improve their lives. Knowing that I am never the only person to deal with the problems and restrictions I have faced in my life has helped me to fight, to live, to want to survive.

Finally, I completely believe that Education is immeasurably important in helping others throughout today's world to defy the social conditions and discriminations many citizens in the world face everyday. Education can help you reach the highest point of your ability in life, regardless if your ethnicity, sex, religion or a multitude of other conditions against which discrimination is common on a daily basis in our ever-changing world.

In conclusion, I truly believe that education is essential in today's world, and has played a huge part and is a significant factor of importance in my daily life.

Thank you for listening, and I sincerely hope you may have gained some insight into the importance of education both in my life and in today's world.

Good afternoon.

*This spans about 2.5 pages in normal sized writing and achieved 31/50. Do you think this Mark was fair and if not, why?

Sorry for the Massive post, I really need to improve on this section and my Teacher is nothing if not unhelpful! Thanks guys! :pac:

Canard

Firstly, was it corrected externally? That alone probably brought down your mark! Secondly, maybe it was a typo but I dont know why you put a capital E on education in the middle of a sentence :P Also the good afternoon at the end could have cost you some clarity/purpose marks.

I wrote 3 pages for my letter (I had the other mock) and it was corrected internally and it got 46/50, and since you wrote pretty much the same amount (though its quality over quantity!) you could definitely get full marks. Maybe use some bigger words to improve on the language marks, imo the easiest ones to get besides mechanics

spurious

I'm not an English teacher, but I'm just going to highlight phrases and constructs that sound a bit peculiar to me. I hope its of some assistance.

There are a few over-flowery phrases and overuse of some words such as 'extremely'.
I realise I was at school in the Ice Age, but our teacher encouraged us to avoid using 'extremely' as most of the time we were using it incorrectly.

*******************************************************************
Good afternoon listeners and welcome back to 2FM,

My name is Daithi McSuibhne and I am here today to the discuss the importance of education in my life and in today's world. I am a Leaving Certificate student preparing for the final exams of my secondary school educational experience in June. Although Education can sometimes be extremely tough, (and I mean extremely), my Education is something which I would not trade for all the riches, fortunes and fame the world could offer me.

We are lucky enough in Ireland to have access to a free education. It is essential that we, as students, grasp on to any opportunity our schools, teachers and peers can offer us. This concept of 'free education' is something not practised in the vast majority of countries in our world, where in some countries, only the upper-class citizens have the appropriate funds to continue on in their educational careers. Some countries, in sharp contrast however, still only offer Males the opportunity to receive a minimal education, leaving all females to face the mundane, daily monotony of their cleaning, cooking and house-keeping duties that they will have to complete everyday with little, or no educational opportunities at all.

From an extremely young age, I was introduced to the fascinating world of literature and reading. This introduction to a world of imagination, excitement and adventures have coloured my appreciation of education, cultures, traditions and the entire world thoroughly. The opportunity to escape (what can sometimes be) a harsh and oppressive world and find myself in a world of beauty, creativity and new experiences has undoubtedly, in my personal opinion made my world a better and more enjoyable place to be a part of.

The world of education and literature has helped guide me through what have been extremely dark and difficult periods in my life. From my love of books and stories, I have seen protagonists and truly inspirational characters persevere through the most tedious of their days and continue to fight to improve their lives. Knowing that I am never the only person to deal with the problems and restrictions I have faced in my life has helped me to fight, to live, to want to survive.

Finally, I completely believe that Education is immeasurably important in helping others throughout today's world to defy the social conditions and discriminations many citizens in the world face everyday. Education can help you reach the highest point of your ability in life, regardless of your ethnicity, sex, religion or a multitude of other conditions against which discrimination is common on a daily basis in our ever-changing world.

In conclusion, I truly believe that education is essential in today's world, and has played a huge part and is a significant factor of importance in my daily life.

Thank you for listening, and I sincerely hope you may have gained some insight into the importance of education both in my life and in today's world.

Good afternoon.

finality

Ok, so I've been very thorough and extremely pedantic about this, I don't mean to cause offense or anything like that. I would say most marks were lost for language, as quite a few points aren't expressed as well as they could've been. You've answered the question quite well and you've dealt with both sides of it. I actually got 49/50 in this question in my pre, so I have some experience of answering it at least. :P A few tips below:


I am a Leaving Certificate student preparing for the final exams of my secondary school educational experience in June.
I would say that this is expressed awkwardly.


something not practised in
the vast majority of countries in our world,
where in some countries,
This could be expressed better, I'd be hesitant about the repetition of 'countries' here. I'd also start a new sentence after 'world', you've a slight tendency to use run-on sentences.


Some countries, in sharp contrast however, still only offer Males the opportunity to receive a minimal education, leaving all females to face the mundane, daily monotony of their cleaning, cooking and house-keeping duties that they will have to complete everyday with little, or no
educational opportunities at all.
Why capitalize 'males'? This sentence is also way too long. :P Also, "daily monotony...that they will have to complete every day" - you're essentially saying it's daily twice. In addition, mundane and monotony essentially mean the same thing, it's pretty much "boring boredom". :P I'd rewrite this as

"Some countries, in sharp contrast, still offer only males the opportunity to receive a minimal education. This has a devastating impact on women, leaving them to face mundane domestic tasks on a daily basis, with no opportunity to escape this monotony."


This introduction to a world of imagination, excitement and adventures have coloured my appreciation of education, cultures, traditions and the entire world thoroughly.
Should be 'has', not 'have'. "Coloured my appreciation" isn't the best way of expressing that, I'd use "enhanced". I'd also say "thoroughly enhanced" as opposed to leaving thoroughly until the end of the sentence.


place to be a part of.
I'd just say "place to be", good sentence otherwise.


From my love of books and stories, I
have seen protagonists and truly
inspirational characters persevere through
the most tedious of their days and continue
to fight to improve their lives.
"From my love of books and stories" doesn't make sense in light of the rest of the sentence. I think you'd actually be better to leave it out here. I'd also leave out "protagonists" and just say "I have seen truly inspirational characters".


important in helping
others throughout today's world to defy the
social conditions and discriminations many
citizens in the world face everyday.
Awkwardly expressed. I'd just say "to defy the social conditions and discrimination they face".


regardless if
regardless of


played a huge part and is a significant
factor of importance in my daily life.
Just say "has played a hugely significant role in my life" - you're repeating yourself pretty much 3 times here.

Coeurdepirate

I sort of felt as if it was a bit too colloquial in parts and too technical in others. Also the syntax leaves a lot to be desired, I found that some sentences were phrased awkwardly. I did the same as you and wrote a page and a half, got it correctly externally and got 46/50. I think you tend to focus so much on how much you write, and think that if you write 100 pages you'll get more marks, but it's quality over quantity all the time!

snoreborewhore

Definately shorten your sentence length. It keeps the readers attention, because very convoluted sentences come off a little long and awkward to read. That can bring clarity down quite a bit.

implausible

Your mark in all long sections of the exam is determined by P (purpose). Your purpose was to write a radio talk, but as I read through, it read more like an essay than a talk.

The key things to remember when writing speeches/talks in LC English are:

1. Context: Who are you (student, teacher, expert, psychologist, celebrity) and why are you speaking on this topic (fame, student programme, focus week...). If you spend 5 minutes thinking up a scenario in which you would be asked to give a talk on radio, the whole thing will be far more engaging for the examiner to read, more believable and far easier to write.

2. Audience: never forget that a speech has an audience. You should regularly reach out to and engage the listener - use 'you' and 'we' regularly, ask rhetorical questions, bring the audience on a trip down memory lane etc.

I probably would have given you higher than 31, as you have addressed all of the points and engaged with the task - probably 35, but it's not an A grade answer.

Don't get bogged down in one question though, you've another 350 marks to worry about too!