Feel a fool - what to do?

allblack

Hi all,

Recently I was out with my girlfriend two weeks ago on a night out. This woman I had planned spend rest my life with. We were with friends another couple. Had a great night till night club. I went up to the bar got drinks, she was out dancing (quite drunk), then i spotted it! She was over far side from where i was kissing another man. She cheated. I left and went to my home. She been saying sorry she was hammered an no recollection but I feel numb.
We have been chit chatting since. I don't know how talk about it talk to anyone about it or her. I have no interest to dog her to people or get pay back. I love her but have completely lost trust and future with her seems further. She has an amazing child to which I don't want hurt too. views please? confused.

Missy Moo Moo

Sorry this has happened to you OP

This would throw up some serious red flags for me, she kissed another man in your presence? I'm sorry to say, but it would make me wonder what she would do if you weren't about.

I think you need space to think about it all. Stop "chit chatting" for now, take some space to get your head together and think about it all.

Is it common for her to get so drunk that she can't remember things? How long have you been going out?

allblack

Were going for weekend away next down the country so that doesn't help. She has got quite drunk before and on one occasion ignored me and danced with a lad for most of it. Really confused messed up about it all. An it's exactly what i thought as you said if I was not there what is she like!!
Lost all trust oh I dunno!

A0

I wouldn't stay with her.

Herrick

allblack wrote: »

She was over far side from where i was kissing another man. She cheated. I left and went to my home. She been saying sorry she was hammered an no recollection but I feel numb

Some people might forgive something like this if it only happened the once. Personally, I wouldn't be able to forgive even a once off "stupid mistake" as I'd never trust them again and my head would be wrecked thinking they might do it again.

I don't care how drunk she was, but kissing him, knowing you were there?

allblack wrote: »

She has got quite drunk before and on one occasion ignored me and danced with a lad for most of it

But this is down right fcuking cheek and disrespect.

I'd firmly tell her to fcuk right off. She either has serious drinking problems or she's a bitch, my guess is the second one.

OP, get rid of her and find yourself a girl who'll actually respect you. As for hurting her child, what are you gonna do? Stay with this wretch to avoid hurting him and live a life of misery yourself?

snafuk35

allblack wrote: »

Hi all,

Recently I was out with my girlfriend two weeks ago on a night out. This woman I had planned spend rest my life with. We were with friends another couple. Had a great night till night club. I went up to the bar got drinks, she was out dancing (quite drunk), then i spotted it! She was over far side from where i was kissing another man. She cheated. I left and went to my home. She been saying sorry she was hammered an no recollection but I feel numb.
We have been chit chatting since. I don't know how talk about it talk to anyone about it or her. I have no interest to dog her to people or get pay back. I love her but have completely lost trust and future with her seems further. She has an amazing child to which I don't want hurt too. views please? confused.

Did you put her on a pedestal. Was she the woman you wanted to spend your life with because she was your girlfriend? Have you had lots of women or have been unsuccessful and therefore latched onto a girl who you imagined as this amazing angel?

When you went to get the drinks were you performing a duty that you feel you must fall into? Are you obliged to buy drinks? Did you feel you became more of a waiter than a boyfriend?

You did the right thing just leave and go home. You should have no regrets.

You are man enough not to want revenge either. You shouldn't have to.

You should cut her out of your life and move on. Don't return her calls or communicate with her ever again.

If she comes crawling back don't give in for a second. You've learnt your lesson. Don't genuflect before a woman again until you know her inside out.

jellygems

fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me


u know what she is so from here on, its up to u how the deck falls

BraziliaNZ

I went out with a girl once who did this to me, stupidly I stayed with her after she convinced me it was just the drink, but looking back now it was clear she was just a selfish cow who didn't really care about me, all of which became evident in the months afterwards. I am now of the firm belief that this could just not happen in your other half's presence if you are properly into them, no matter how messed up you are.
You wont trust her again after this and you'll be looking for reassurance all the time, be the bigger man and walk away, she doesn't deserve you after that carry on.

Pebbles68

I can never go along with the "I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing" excuse. I think you just your lose your inhibitions and the real personality comes out. If cheating is in her make up that's when it's most likely going to happen. Drunk or not you were away for a weekend and she kissed a guy while out on a date with you. I feel for you but I think you know what to do. Sorry.

The child is a red herring here. You are not hurting it, she is by her behaviour.

I am a friend

Ah no, there is no excuse for either of those events. She can't be trusted op

fatmammycat

If you are dead set on giving her another chance see how she feels about not drinking again, she can't hide behind it then. Sorry OP, I don't buy drink as an excuse. I'd walk and find someone who appreciates you.

msg11

No way on this earth would I tolerate been on a date and then her hooking up with someone else in the same venue, drink or no drink. Add into the mix that your in a relationship with this girl, jump ship mate you deserve alot more.

LegacyUser

Sorry to hear what happened to you man. But I agree with the above the relationship is over. You could never trust her again.

Lets just be very realistic here. She kissed a guy while you are in the SAME place as her! Its bad enough if you werent there. But right under your nose as you went to get drinks. Her way of thinking was obviously "he is off side for the next few mins" but clearly didnt know you had a line of sight to see all.

Cut all contact mate. This isnt just a 'red flag' this is an air-raid horn going off here. Don't be a sucker and forgive all.

Dancer656

Sorry to hear what happened to you. I think you need to find someone that will treat you with respect and love you. The way she behaved is appalling and you really deserve better.

allblack

First of all I want to thank everyone for their views, advice and help. We had our chat and I took the decision along with everyone else's view to finish the relationship. At the end of the day she was out the SAME night an venue with me. An was TOTALLY unacceptable. Going forward I know I would be paranoid if she went out and basically lost complete trust. My views always to others friends, no trust no relationship, so why say it to other people and not follow it myself. Thankfully though I have.

I hold no bitterness towards her and have decided to head (as planned) on weekend down the country with her after that, cut all contact. I know some people may think that is silly choice to do but it's decided going only as friends and no more. Thanks again everyone. Hope you all have a good weekend.

A0

allblack wrote: »

First of all I want to thank everyone for their views, advice and help. We had our chat and I took the decision along with everyone else's view to finish the relationship. At the end of the day she was out the SAME night an venue with me. An was TOTALLY unacceptable. Going forward I know I would be paranoid if she went out and basically lost complete trust. My views always to others friends, no trust no relationship, so why say it to other people and not follow it myself. Thankfully though I have.

Good man...

I hold no bitterness towards her and have decided to head (as planned) on weekend down the country with her after that, cut all contact. I know some people may think that is silly choice to do but it's decided going only as friends and no more. Thanks again everyone. Hope you all have a good weekend.

:rolleyes: ... but still naive

Taltos

allblack wrote: »

... have decided to head (as planned) on weekend down the country with her after that, cut all contact.

OP - please reconsider this. Think about it for a moment - do you really think anything good can come out of this?

a) you have a drink or two and fight like cats and dogs throwing accusations mixed in with tears.
b) you both act as if nothing has happened and oh surprise surprise baby in a few months you might get tipped up for child support
c) you really are just friends with no ties - so what is to stop one of you from hooking up with someone else again?
d) you just have a good weekend together. I put this in as unlikely as it is it might happen and I can't ignore that - at best 1 in 5 chance for a good weekend.
Or
e) your resolve is broken down and you get back together - but without the trust and your fears eat into you over the coming weeks and months, until eventually you wake up one morning and don't recognise the person you have become

I really can't see a good way out of this - sometimes the end is just that...

allblack

I agree the weekend is silly. Yes I am silly to go ahead with it but I am. No sexual attachment will happen of any kind I can assure you of that! Maybe I am been to kind in going ahead with this but way I see it I rather end up on good terms so to speak than bad.
Come end of weekend. It's goodbye and best of luck with everything in your future. Believe me people there will be no change of mind I assure you that on my part. Not a chance!!

msg11

allblack wrote: »

I agree the weekend is silly. Yes I am silly to go ahead with it but I am. No sexual attachment will happen of any kind I can assure you of that! Maybe I am been to kind in going ahead with this but way I see it I rather end up on good terms so to speak than bad.
Come end of weekend. It's goodbye and best of luck with everything in your future. Believe me people there will be no change of mind I assure you that on my part. Not a chance!!

Don't go down/away with her, this is her mess that she caused. I dunno each to there own, but no way would I be going away with someone who done that too me. She will take you for a ride in the long run, cut contact now would be my advise.

wivy

You owe her nothing OP..
If you walk away and never contact her again your not a bad or unkind person and I dont think anyone would think you are given the circumstances..
you sound like a genuinely nice person, someone who is eager to please others and perhaps doesnt like confrontation/bad feeling from other people
However I really think you should put yourself first here I think and whats best for you..

snafuk35

allblack wrote: »

I agree the weekend is silly. Yes I am silly to go ahead with it but I am. No sexual attachment will happen of any kind I can assure you of that! Maybe I am been to kind in going ahead with this but way I see it I rather end up on good terms so to speak than bad.
Come end of weekend. It's goodbye and best of luck with everything in your future. Believe me people there will be no change of mind I assure you that on my part. Not a chance!!

Cancel the weekend. Dump her NOW! For your own sake.

Chinafoot

allblack wrote: »

I agree the weekend is silly. Yes I am silly to go ahead with it but I am.

I am very confused here. You know it's not a clever thing to do and yet you are intent on doing it?

allblack wrote: »

No sexual attachment will happen of any kind I can assure you of that!

Are you staying in the same room? If so, you are kidding yourself.

allblack wrote: »

Maybe I am been to kind in going ahead with this but way I see it I rather end up on good terms so to speak than bad.

It is possible to end up on good terms without going away for the weekend with the woman who cheated on you while you were there.

allblack wrote: »

Come end of weekend. It's goodbye and best of luck with everything in your future. Believe me people there will be no change of mind I assure you that on my part. Not a chance!!

Sorry but I reckon the only person you're fooling here is yourself. Unless you've been seeing this woman for an extremely short period of time and have decided to revert back to an extremely solid friendship then this weekend away is a receipe for disaster. Unless of course you have no intention of actually ending the relationship.

If you stay with this woman then I wish the best of luck because you will need it. You'll have shown her that you will put up with her cheating so you should expect more of the same.

All the best.

blatantrereg

She broke faith. Relationship is broken. Very sad. Any attempts to continue or resolve things will just drag things out. Leave with dignity. Anything else adds extra unnecessary distress to what is already an extremely distressing state of affairs.

bouncebouncey

I don't know if you think you're fooling us or if you are trying to fool yourself. I think it might be the latter to be honest.

The weekend away is a horrendous idea and you seem to know that. Yet you are intent on going through with it? You could be on it right now for all I know.

You're insistent on it for no apparent reason. You're adamant that nothing will happen sexually too.

In which case you must be staying in separate rooms right? Because you wouldn't be sharing a bed on a weekend away with a woman you just broke up with and have no intention of having any sexual activity with right? So you're definitely staying in separate rooms?

I mean you're both single now. She has a penchant for sticking her tongue down guys throats in nightclubs. So as a newly single girl on a weekend away she might meet someone she fancies and want to bang his brains out back in her hotel room or his house or wherever. Which is well within her rights. So you'll be cool with that if it happens?

Honestly I've no idea why you'd want to go on a weekend away with someone who disrespected you, cheated on you and that you've just broken up and that you claim to have no intention of doing anything with unless you have an ulterior motive.

I just don't see the logic in the thinking 'oh that person that just treated me like dirt is just the person to have a jolly up on a weekend away with'. It makes less than zero sense.

allblack

As expected I know people that had given advice etc. would think was silly idea going away. The weekend went great, in sense that we chatted and we had alot of fun down in Clare. Walking the beach, enjoying the music, the banter and some stories from previous times away.(like 2 friends hanging out).
It was today, leaving for home after i dropped her off and getting my stuff, saying our goodbyes was the toughest and gutwrenching moment of all. There was no shouting, low digs or giving out from my part or hers. Just kind words and hugs. What was done was done and i cannot stay in a 'no trust' relationship. Closing the door an seen a helpless person whom you once loved and cared was very tough.
So i'm now single, that chapter of my life is over and i will move on. Every experince you take from life i feel has to be a learning curve and that was one for sure. I like to thank everyone for there advice, help and views. It was all very much appreciated. I have told friends we faded apart rather than the truth. What is the point sure?!
Thanks everyone and i hope you all had a good paddys weekend!!

Elmer Blooker

Feel a fool what to do?
Dont feel like a fool anymore - get away from this immature attention seeker as soon as possible.
That's what to do!

boomtown123

Walk away! I sense she's using you as her "comfort blanket". She wants the best of both worlds. If she did that to you in front of you, god only knows what she could be doing behind your back. Doing that to you, alcohol or no alcohol just goes to show how much respect she has for you. By keeping her - and not saying anything - she'll just think she can do it again and you'll always be there for her, no matter what she does.

Do yourself a favour and walk away!