I think very little of myself

Lola B

Hi guys, I just wanted to see if anyone has advice for me or has been through a similar situation.

I think very little of myself, in fact I couldn't think of any reason why someone would want to know me.

I know why I think like this, I grew up with an alcoholic stepdad who often told me I was a worthless piece of ****, waste of space etc etc. My mother let him say these things because "there is no point arguing with him when he is drunk". Because my stepdad hated me so much I moved in with my real dad permanently a few years ago. I only see my mother once a week when she can fit me into her schedule. I went to counseling a while ago I the councillor told me that my mum doesn't love me. This is true (I know people might find it hard to believe) and I know I need to go through a "grieving" process and accept that I will not get the love from my mam that I want .

My real dad is also quite horrible but in a different way. He is depressed and uses me as his "therapy". He gives out to me for little things like using the heating (anything involving money), he screams and shouts until I am really really upset. I am constantly on edge in his house.

One good thing is that my mothers friend said I can move in with her during the summer. After that I am going to do a masters in Dublin, then I will be able to get a job (hopefully) and be independent of my parents.

The only problem is that I have absolutely no confidence. (I was also bullied really badly as an teenager for years) I assume that people will find me boring or think that I am a loser. Even if people seem to like me I just assume it will only be a matter of time until they change their mind. I try so hard to be nice to people, and they probably think I am a very happy person.

I also put myself under amazing pressure to be "perfect". I am one of the top students in my class. I also hate how I look and am planning to get a nose job and jaw surgery when I get a job. I spends hours every week exercising, which I don't think is a bad thing but it's part of this attempt to try and be perfect.

I feel like I am so worthless compared to everyone else, so I am constantly trying to make myself prettier, smarter and more successful. I constantly compare myself to other people and think of how inadequate I am compared to them.

I am not on any social networking sites because I can't imagine how anyone would want to be friends with me or have interest in anything I am doing.

Today I met a friend in town, she is very popular and was telling me about this CD her other friends made for her with songs they recorded. I just got so jealous that people are so fond of her that they would make something so lovely for her. I really hate what I am turning into I am jealous and enjoy when other people have problems.

The one really good thing I have is my boyfriend, but I also try to keep him happy all of the time and try not to talk about my feelings to him. I don't want him to have to be my councillor.

Thanks for reading this I just want to know if there is anything that might help? Do I need more counseling or something? I know that technically I have a good life, I am doing well at college, I don't have any illnesses, overall I don't have any major problems. I just need to like myself!

LegacyUser

O.k.. I'm hoping this post will help you a little. I've been through something similar and have received some very good help. I feel for you, I really do. It's not easy, but only YOU can change if you want to.


So I take it that you don't live with your real Dad?? If not, I suggest that you only visit you're Dad when you're feeling like a strong person. There's no point in seeing him when you're down.. because it seems that he's only going to drag you down further.

Don't try to be "nice" or anything that you're not. Just try to be yourself. People can sense that you are trying too hard to make friends. It doesn't work. There are some people that you don't like.. it's just the way it is. Same can be said that there are some people that don't like you. That's THEIR business. So what if they don't like you. It's their loss. Focus on the people that do like you, like your boyfriend, your friends. Even if there is only one person that does like you (boyfriend) than so be it.

You need to try to be confident in yourself. I know it's hard but believe in yourself. Here's a few things you could try... I know they might sound silly, but they've worked for me. First thing, attach three positive affirmations to your mirror- with one of those post-it notes. Something like- "I am smart. (you're going to do a masters), "I am strong" (because you posted on this looking for help... shows you want to do something about it) and "I am caring" (you have a boyfried.. he loves you... you love him). They are just examples. Say those every day when you stand in front of the mirror... preferably every morning so you can start the day feeling positive about yourself.

I am sorry to hear that you were bullied when you were in school. So was I. It's tough. What you need to do is imagine putting all those bad memories into a box in your head, closing the box, lock it and push it far far into the back of your mind. Don't try to open it again. Thinking back about bad memories really isn't getting you anywhere.

Start writing a gratitude journal. Every day write down at least one thing that you are grateful for. I keep one and it's a really nice and positive thing to do. Like it doesn't have to be big. Maybe something like "I am grateful for someone smiling at me today" or bigger ones.. like "i'm grateful for being healthy.. " I garauntee you it will make you feel better.

Next thing you need to do is to say STOP to you're negative thoughts. Make out a little sign with a tape recorder. Place it in places that you frequent- like above the sink, in your bedroom, in the car. It will remind you to STOP thinking those negative thoughts. So, say for example you are washing the dished and you are thinking to yourself- the mental "tape recorder is playing.... a negative thought/ memory enters into your head.. say STOP. Even better if you can say it aloud. Then, start thinking something positive. Hum or sing if you have to. The more you do it the easier it will get. I promise.

Also, stop comparing yourself to other people. They are not perfect and neither are you. You will only depress yourself from comparing yourself to others. So, why bother? The friend you met in town with the C.D. might have other problems, how do you know??

Good luck.. I hope this post was of some help to you.

Lola B

Thank you for the advice sunflower I read the start of that book, I think my parents would come under the "inadequate" categorie! It makes me feel better to see that people have taken the time to give advice, although it is true that I'm the only one who can make myself change.. the gratitude journal sounds like it might help change my negative thoughts so i'll try that

LegacyUser

I would add to the above, don't be too hard on yourself. Being a perfectionist you will have a tendency to do this. I know from experience! Celebrate each small victory on your road to appreciating yourself.

I was not in such a difficult situation as you are, but I did have to deal with the fact that my mother (who suffers from mental illness) would never be the mother I craved - someone who would watch out for me and give me advice when I didn't know what to do. Instead I am her crutch when things go wrong in her life and I am her emotional support. One day, though, I woke up and realised I had had lots of mothers during my life - my big sister, my aunts and uncles, friends' parents and various other people I had met during my life - even books that I had read! It would have been nice, of course, if my mother were in that list, but that was not to be the course of my life. Also, having to cope with this issue has made me a much stronger person than most people I know. There are advantages to living through challenging situations during your formative years.

Best of luck with your journey to self appreciation. And don't forget to be nice to yourself! (I don't know you, but the fact that you wrote this post in the first place proves that you are a remarkable human being...)